Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously
Coal mining has always been a dangerous way to make a living, and it was more so in the 1950s. Dad suffered a broken back on three occasions while digging coal from the earth. He was one of the lucky ones; during Dad’s last year underground, 294 miners lost their lives on the job. That’s an average of more than five fatalities each week.
One of those fatalities was Kester McKinney, a good friend of the Toler family. The McKinneys were our neighbors, living in the same coal camp we did. In fact, the Kester McKinneys’ teenage daughter, Judy, often babysat for Mark, Terry, and me. The news of Mr. McKinney’s death was a huge blow to everyone in our circle of friends.
In those days, big companies operated quite differently from today. We’re used to large corporations having well-developed human resource departments and offering a variety of services to their employees and families, such as grief counseling. Back then such things just didn’t happen. When a miner was killed, it usually fell to his coworkers to deliver the news to the family. This case was no different. I don’t know whether Dad was selected by his friends to pay a call on the McKinney family or if he simply volunteered. Neither would surprise me. He was a leader in our little community, and he would never shy away from a difficult task. In either case, he had the burden of going to the McKinney home to inform the family that their husband and father had been killed.
I didn’t go along, of course, but I remember it was a solemn evening in the Toler house. Dad didn’t say much when he returned home that night. The one thing I do recall is hearing the well-known saying, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” It was a sobering moment and probably the first time I’d ever thought about my own mortality. Dad understood, and quietly communicated to us that all people share this common, fragile bond called life. Little did I realize that within a year’s time Dad would pass away. Before he went, he’d already passed on to his children the valued gift of humility.
Recently I had an opportunity to reconnect with some members of the McKinney family. It was great to renew old acquaintances, especially with Judy, our babysitter from all those years ago. During our conversation, Judy mentioned her dad’s passing and the fact that my father was the one who broke the news to her family. “I’ll never forget that moment,” she said. “Your father’s tenderness and humility in talking with us touched me deeply.” Dad’s tears, compassion, and prayer for her family had a profound and lasting impact on her.
Humility Springs from a Positive Attitude
Humility is the ability to see your commonality with all other people. It’s knowing and taking your rightful place alongside all others in the human family, neither better nor worse than the greatest or least. Many people wrongly believe that humility is a kind of poor-me attitude, which sees yourself as somehow worse than others. That isn’t it at all. I love this definition of humility, which I think nails the concept: “Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others too.”1 That’s it exactly. Humble people don’t get their ego wrapped up in everything they do. They draw healthy self-esteem from positive relationships with family and friends, so they don’t need constant affirmation from everyone else. They can acknowledge their faults, admit their mistakes, and ask for forgiveness.
The opposite of humility is pride, which dooms you to a life of judging yourself against others and manipulating them to give you respect or approval.
Negative Thinking Produces a Poor Self-Image
We’ve already noticed that a negative attitude produces negative results in every area of life. Negative thinking seeps into your words and actions, it manifests itself in your habits and lifestyle, and it ultimately determines your future. A scarcity mindset and a victim mentality are two of the most destructive thought patterns imaginable. And they take their toll upon your image of yourself. Remember that your thoughts shape your identity. When you think negative thoughts about the world, other people, and your future possibilities, you’re really thinking negative thoughts about yourself. Negative thinkers are constantly saying to themselves, I can’t. I’m not smart enough. Other people get all the breaks. Why do bad things always happen to me?
All that adds up to a tremendously poor self-image. Negative thinking produces low self-esteem. Remember, simply thinking ill of yourself is not humility, as some people mistakenly believe. In fact, constantly putting yourself down through the subtle action of negative thinking results in another terribly destructive behavior.
Negative Thinkers Put Themselves First
We’re all a bit selfish at heart. There’s something in us that wants to put ourselves first and get ahead of everyone else. How else do you explain the instinct you have to step on the gas when you see someone else headed for a parking spot you had your eye on?
Negative thinking puts such selfish impulse on steroids. Negative thinkers constantly have a recording in the back of their heads saying, You’re not good enough. Other people always win, and there’s nothing you can do about it. That’s why they’re incredibly anxious to prove themselves, demonstrating to others—and mostly to themselves—that they have worth.
That urge results in some incredibly damaging and unattractive social behaviors. I’m talking about cheating, bragging, taunting, gloating, and even begging for compliments. All these are born from a feeling of inferiority. When you don’t see yourself as worthy, you’ll do almost anything to force others to acknowledge your worth. Negative thinking produces a relentless attempt to put yourself ahead of others. In other words, it results in pride.
Positive Thinking Results in a High Self-Image
Positive thinkers, on the other hand, have an accurate view of the world and themselves. They understand that while some people have advantages that others don’t, each of us is given a free will and the ability to make choices that either improve or degrade ourselves. They realize that rich people aren’t morally superior to poor people, and those who’ve failed aren’t worse than those who seem to have escaped failure. We all breathe the same air, have similar longings and desires, and need the same basic necessities each day to stay alive. And for all of us, this life will someday be over.
Positive thinkers view themselves as blessed, happy, capable, and free. That positive self-image produces one particularly spectacular result.
Positive Thinkers Are Willing to Put Others First
People who feel good about themselves have nothing to prove. Because they already feel competent, they don’t need to boast or beg for compliments from others. Because they feel blessed, they’re not prone to lie or cheat in order to gain an advantage over other people. Though they may not have all the advantages others do, they see themselves as having enough. Therefore, they don’t always need to be first in line or get the biggest slice of the pie. They’re content.
If you doubt that connection, consider the story of a homeless man in Langford, British Columbia, who found more than $2000 in cash. If that had been you, what would have been your reaction? Given your obvious need for money, you might have been tempted to keep it for yourself. This homeless man, however, was more concerned about the rightful owner of the lost money. So he went to a nearby station of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and turned the money in. The man, who preferred not to be identified, was in his sixties and living on the street. Despite that, he turned in the money because he felt it was the right thing to do. “This is an incredible display of honesty and selflessness,” said Constable Alex Bérubé, a spokesperson of the RCMP.2
This incredible tale doesn’t end there. When the story became known to the public, well-wishers established a fund to help the homeless man. The next challenge was to find him again. “It’s not easy tracking down a person of no fixed address and no phone, but I kept trying because I needed to tell him about how the community had rallied together to help him,” Constable Bérubé said. When the officer told the homeless man he had thousands of dollars in reward money waiting for him, the man replied that he didn’t want the money for himself; he asked that it be donated to local agencies that shelter and feed the homeless. Investigators told the man to think about it overnight and give them a final answer the next day. When he returned, he again insisted they donate the funds, but he told police that what he really wanted was a job.3
This is humility in action. Humble people see themselves as blessed and capable, therefore they have no need to seek unfair advantage over others or put their own needs first. Their positive attitude allows them to see others as just as important as themselves, and to put the needs of others first.
Humility Is an Attractive Trait
Positive people draw positive reactions from others, and that’s especially true for those who display humility. Though they may not wish to be singled out as more virtuous than others, humble people are well liked and easy to be around.
If you’re wondering what humility looks like in action, here are some marks of a humble person. If you want to make the decision to choose humility, you’ll be choosing behaviors like these.
They Don’t Take Themselves Too Seriously
Humble people have a healthy sense of humor and generally don’t mind poking a bit of fun at themselves. Winston Churchill was once asked, “Doesn’t it thrill you to know that every time you make a speech, the hall is packed to overflowing?” Churchill replied, “It’s quite flattering. But whenever I feel that way, I always remember that if instead of making a political speech I was being hanged, the crowd would be twice as big.”4 Humility allows a person to acknowledge their faults, admit their mistakes, and remain in a positive frame of mind.
They Avoid Taking Credit
Humility goes beyond saying “Aw shucks” to deflect a compliment. Humble people genuinely don’t want to be singled out as being more talented, more important, or more successful than others. This isn’t because they don’t appreciate their worth; rather, they simply don’t need to hear it repeated, and they’re mindful of how such honors can distance them from others. Often, humble people practice the discipline of secrecy by keeping their good deeds from being known to others. They don’t say things like “I took out the trash; you’re welcome,” but simply do their best regardless of whether anyone notices.
They Praise Others
Negative thinkers are stingy with compliments. They somehow feel that if other people get noticed for their talents or achievements, then they’ll somehow miss out on the thanks. Humble people are quick with a compliment. “Great job on the presentation.” “You look great, is that a new outfit?” “Thanks so much for that delicious meal.”
Humble people are quick to point out what’s good, especially in other people. They don’t pass up an opportunity to give praise.
They Help Others Succeed
Few things attack the ego quite as much as helping others succeed. Pride hoards knowledge and resources; humility shares them. This may be the acid test of humility. Negative thinkers are seldom willing to help others advance, especially ahead of themselves. Humble people are free to share information and opportunities. They’re willing to put the needs—and sometimes even the desires—of other people ahead of their own.
They Admit Their Mistakes
Nobody likes to acknowledge mistakes and shortcomings, but humble people are quick to do so. They don’t fear the judgment of others. They already see themselves accurately, so they neither need praise nor shy away from criticism. “I’m sorry.” “I was wrong.” “You’re right, that’s my mistake.” Humble people have no problem with statements like those because their ego isn’t wrapped up in their performance.
They Don’t Angle for Compliments
On the flip side of admitting error, humble people don’t wallow in their shortcomings or beg others to praise them. You’ve probably seen people who react to correction by saying things like, “I’m such an idiot. How can you ever put up with me?” or “You’re right, I’m such a burden to the team.” Their over-the-top admission of blame is really a veiled request for validation. They’re saying, “I admitted that I was wrong; now please say something good about me.” Humble people don’t get caught in that trap.
While everyone enjoys a compliment, the humble have a healthy self-image and don’t require continual affirmation.
They’re Willing to Learn
Closely related to the ability to compliment others is the willingness to learn from them. Negative thinkers are seldom willing to admit that other people have good ideas or are worth listening to. Their defensiveness and protectiveness of their own ego makes them closed to the knowledge and experience that others could share with them.
Learning from others is another way to appreciate their value. When you acknowledge that someone else has advanced beyond you, you must humble yourself.
They Go Last
People who are caught in the trap of negative thinking always feel the need to advance themselves. We all face the subtle temptation to grab the limelight, but to those with a fragile sense of self-worth that desire is like a raging inferno. They must have their voice heard and their ideas considered. They must be the one to choose the restaurant or to get the biggest present.
Humble people are able to resist the urge to put their own needs first. They’re willing to let others pick the movie. They don’t have to speak in every meeting. They would just as soon take the last seat. They can do that because their sense of worth doesn’t depend on being first, having the most, or being in control.
They Practice the Golden Rule
Everyone knows it’s better to treat others as you would like to be treated, but it’s devilishly difficult to do in the rough and tumble of everyday life. We’re more likely to treat others as they treat us, or as we think they deserve to be treated. Humble people are able to practice grace, give others a break, and treat them with the courtesy and respect they’d like to receive themselves.
Someone has said that the essence of humility is to see yourself accurately, and there’s truth in that. People who have a negative view of the world wind up with a negative self-image. As a result, their every interaction with other people is bent on proving their self-worth. A positive attitude toward the world has the happy byproduct of producing a positive view of oneself. As a result, positive-thinking people are able to be humble. They don’t need to prove their worth by comparison to others. If anything, they’re bent on helping others feel the same sense of blessing that they enjoy. That’s a tremendously attractive way to live.
Choose Humility
Each of the seven choices that forever shape your life are really a series of choices. To choose humility means making the major decision to put off selfishness and give preference to others. But that one big decision must be played out in the thousands of little choices we make when dealing with people day after day and year after year. Humility is both a choice and a lifestyle.
Perhaps no one in recent memory exemplifies that lifestyle more than Mother Teresa of Calcutta. Mother Teresa had been a nun serving in India for over 20 years when she founded the Sisters of Charity in 1950. From then until her death in 1997, she worked among the poorest of the poor on the streets of Calcutta. Her humble life inspired countless people, including Shane Claiborne, who as a young man spent a summer working with Mother Teresa in the slums. He later wrote about that experience, giving this portrait of the great woman’s humility.
People often ask me what Mother Teresa was like. Did she glow in the dark or have a halo? She was short, wrinkled, and precious, maybe even a little ornery—like a beautiful, wise old granny. But there is one thing I will never forget—her feet were deformed. Each morning during Mass, I would stare at those feet. I wondered if Mother Teresa had leprosy. But I wasn’t going to ask, of course.
One day a sister asked us, “Have you noticed Mother’s feet?” We nodded, curious. She said, “Her feet are deformed because we get just enough donated shoes for everyone, and Mother does not want anyone to get stuck with the worst pair, so she digs through and finds those. Years of wearing bad shoes have deformed her feet.”5
This is the result of humility—not a version of self-punishment but a willingness to see others as important, even more important, than yourself. Humility springs from a positive attitude because it takes a tremendously positive view of the world and oneself to make that kind of sacrifice.
Shane Claiborne, by the way, went on to found the Simple Way, an intentional community aimed at serving the urban poor in the city of Philadelphia. When you choose to be humble, you impact the world.