part0022

People look for a spouse in our culture predominantly by dating. This relatively recent historical phenomenon is defined as “a part of [the] human mating process whereby two people meet socially for companionship, beyond the level of friendship, or with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or marriage.” 1 While dating seems very normal to us, arranged marriages have actually been the norm in most cultures throughout history. In recent years, many Christians, recognizing dangers in “dating” as it is practiced in our culture, have begun promoting the idea of courtship—“the period in a couple’s relationship which precedes their engagement and marriage, or establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind.” 2 Numerous Christians have advocated significant parental control over the courtship process, often claiming that they are following the practices found in Scripture. 3 Does Scripture actually endorse one of these practices above the other ?

Scripture does teach principles that single people should consider as they seek a mate, but the Bible does not explicitly prescribe a particular approach to dating or courtship. While we have examples of how marriages were made in biblical times—Isaac with Rebekah (Gen. 24), Jacob with Rachel and Leah (Gen. 29), Boaz with Ruth (Ruth 4), and Joseph with Mary (Matt. 1:18)—we are never told to imitate these examples. The provision of Rebekah for Isaac was a unique event in redemption history—the son of promise had to be married and have a son, so that the godly line could continue. God gave Abraham’s servant supernatural guidance, but we are never told to expect such supernatural intervention in our day. Jacob’s acquisition of Rachel and Leah was also a crucial part of Israel’s history as we recognize the origins of the twelve tribes, but the deceit of Laban and the polygamy of Jacob are not examples to be imitated. Ruth and Boaz were married under a provision of the old covenant law that a near relative had the responsibility to provide offspring through the widow of a man who died, so that his name would not perish and his inheritance in the land would remain in the family. Because we are no longer under the old covenant, the provision for such marriages is no longer in force. While Joseph and Mary were betrothed, the betrothal process is neither described in detail nor mandated in Scripture. Upon examination of all these cases, it becomes clear that they were never intended to be prescriptive of how Christians ought to seek a spouse.

While no specific methodology for courtship or dating is mandated in Scripture, important principles are applicable as one seeks a spouse. One such principle is that sexual relations are to be enjoyed only within the covenant of marriage. Whatever approach people take to finding a spouse, they must take care to preserve the moral purity of their relationship. Fornication (sex between two unmarried people) is sin and comes under God’s judgment (Heb. 13:4). Sexual sin is not limited merely to intercourse. God designed every aspect of physical intimacy between a man and a woman to be enjoyed only within marriage. Using someone’s body for sexual pleasure intrudes on what God intended only for a spouse. First Corinthians 7:3–4 says that your body belongs to your spouse and that your spouse’s body belongs to you. If you are not yet married, you belong to the spouse whom God will give you one day. When I was single, a wise friend told me, “When you get married, you will wish that you had never kissed anyone other than your wife.” He continued, “Treat the girl you take out on a date as if one day she will be married to your best friend. Or treat her the way you hope the guy who is out with your future wife is treating her.”

There are other dangers to becoming physically involved while dating or courting. Kindled sexual desire is quite difficult to control (James 1:15). I have counseled many young people who never intended to “go all the way” and claimed to have been shocked when they fell into fornication. Another problem is that premature physical involvement stirs one’s emotions and desires in such a way that it is very hard to objectively evaluate whether this person has the godly character for a suitable spouse. If someone is leading you into fleshly sin, it is probably an indication that this person is not ready for marriage.

Another potential danger of dating relationships is that strong emotional attachments are formed prematurely—that is, before a couple is ready to make a commitment to marriage. This is the reason that many Christians object to dating as it is practiced in our culture. A man and a woman in a dating relationship become a couple without any plan to pursue marriage. This couple create what is, in effect, a minimarriage, in which they pull away from their families (leave) and are united emotionally (cleave), and in which there is some physical component (one flesh). God’s design, in contrast, is that a man and a woman first enter into the covenant of marriage before leaving, cleaving, and uniting physically (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:5). Exclusive dating relationships, which are in effect minimarriages, usually end in minidivorces that cause both hurt and regret, especially for Christian young people .

It is far better to wait for romance until you are ready for marriage. Lust demands what it wants right now and is unwilling to postpone gratification. Godly love is mostly concerned about pleasing God and trusts that his ways, including reserving physical and emotional intimacy for marriage, are best. Moreover, godly love seeks what is best for others (Phil. 2:3–4) by being careful not to do what hurts the person you are dating or violates the rights of a future spouse. Love “does not seek its own” (1 Cor. 13:5).

It is wise to set standards before entering into any dating/courting relationship. Paul warns, “Flee from youthful lusts” (2 Tim. 2:22). Touching should be kept to a minimum, also realizing that what may be a friendship hug to one person may feel like sexual foreplay or an expression of undying love to the other. In the interests of maintaining moral purity, don’t get into such a private situation that sin would be possible if both parties are weak. In the interest of protecting your hearts, it is vital to maintain a measure of emotional reserve. Avoid creating and expressing a strong emotional bond before you both are prepared to make a commitment to each other. Furthermore, my wise friend told me, “When you get married, you will wish that you never said ‘I love you’ to anyone other than your wife.” Again, he was right.

Within the Christian community, many different practices and expectations exist for singles who are interested in getting to know one another. Some young women have made arrangements with their fathers that they would speak to any young men who would like to get to know them, even as friends. Other fathers might find it very strange and somewhat off-putting for a man to speak to them, unless engagement was already in view. In light of this, a friend of mine once counseled a young man to ask the question, “What are the customs in your tribe?” A young man who is interested in a young lady should seek to know what expectations she and her family have as he pursues a relationship with her.

Another scenario for young people in certain Christian communities is that they are so sheltered that they have virtually no contact with the opposite sex, other than family members, before a serious courtship begins. In such cases, I think it is best for single men and women to get to know many members of the opposite sex in informal (and safe) group settings. This allows them to learn about gender differences in general, while additionally recognizing what qualities they might desire in a spouse. It also helps them, as discussed above, to avoid pairing up in intense romantic relationships before being ready to pursue marriage. This does not mean that we can expect young people to avoid being attracted to one another before they are mature enough for marriage. The point is to constrain, rather than to prematurely unleash, these romantic desires (Song 8:4).

In contrast to worldly approaches to dating, which often have no deeper objective than to enjoy having a boyfriend or girlfriend, courtship or purposeful dating takes place when a man and woman take time to get to know each other to determine whether they would be suitable for each other in marriage. It is vital that there be honesty and openness in these situations. Both parties should understand the nature and intent of their relationship. Both must be honest about where they stand with each other. A decision to explore the possibility of marriage does not mean that the couple are, in effect, engaged (though, in some circles, courtship is unhelpfully regarded in this way). One or both parties may realize that the relationship will not be able to progress further, which should be communicated in a kind and timely manner.

Our culture has swung from the extreme of marriages’ being arranged by parents to the other extreme, in which parents do not have any involvement in their children’s selection of a spouse. In an ideal situation, two people would explore the possibility of marriage with significant helpful involvement from each of their families. Parents typically have wisdom that may be able to identify problems in the prospective fiancée’s character or difficulties in the relationship, which their children may not recognize. I have seen cases in which young adults have been spared a very hard marriage because they listened to their parents. Parents can also help to maintain accountability for the emotional and physical purity of the relationship. Many a family has a happy memory of a young man’s respectfully approaching the father of the girl whom he loves to ask for her hand in marriage. Parents and children should work out well in advance their mutual expectations for the role that Mom and Dad will play during the process. The success of this involvement will largely rest on the quality of the relationship and the level of mutual trust that has been built over many years. If parents are unavailable or unwilling to offer guidance, a couple may look to church leaders to fulfill this role.

Some claim that parents have the right to choose whom their children (especially daughters) will marry, or at least to veto any prospective suitor. They base this on the requirement that children obey their parents (Ex. 20:12; Eph. 6:2) and the references to parents’ giving their children in marriage (Deut. 7:3; Matt. 24:38; possibly 1 Cor. 7:36 4 ). While I believe that it is very important to have the enthusiastic approval of both families, I cannot say that it is an absolute biblical requirement. A girl who has converted from Islam will never obtain approval from her Muslim father to marry a godly Christian man. I have also known of situations in which selfish parents didn’t want their child to marry because the parents wanted the child to remain at home and take care of them. I have encountered a father who was completely unreasonable as he tried, without any biblical basis, to end a courtship, simply stating that he had the right to do so and that he didn’t have to tell anyone his reason. Approaches like these completely overlook Paul’s admonition that fathers not provoke their children to anger (Eph. 6:4a).

Scripture teaches that when children reach adulthood, they come of age and become responsible for their own adult decisions (John 9:21). We have already seen that single men and women may choose to devote their lives to the Lord, which implies that they are acting as independent adults no longer under the authority of parents (1 Cor. 7:32–34). A widow is told that she is free to be married “to whom she wishes” (1 Cor. 7:39), not to whom her father or brothers tell her to marry. Any decision to pursue a relationship, become engaged, or marry apart from parental approval, however, should be taken with great caution and ideally with counsel from church leaders. Every effort should be made to make peace between children and their parents before the marriage takes place (Rom. 12:18), though, in some rare cases, peace may prove to be impossible.

The purpose of courtship (or intentional dating) is to explore whether a couple can be convinced that they can joyfully glorify God in a marriage together. Frequently, there are deal-breakers. He can’t get over and forgive her sexual past. She can’t deal with his financial irresponsibility and debt. She likes him, but does not feel physically and romantically attracted to him. He likes spending time with her, but is reluctant to make a commitment. He wonders if he is merely her Mr. Right Now, while she waits for Mr. Right. Several questions should be considered to help couples navigate through the issues that may arise during courtship.

The foundational question for each person to consider is whether the other demonstrates evidence of love for the gospel. Do they each perceive themselves as the chief of sinners, saved only by God’s grace in Christ (1 Tim. 1:15)? Do they both love Christ and his free grace? Does the experience of his love and grace affect how they treat others (Eph. 5:1–2)? Is he willing to confess his own faults and sins? Is she willing to be honest about her own weaknesses and sins? Are both willing to show grace to the other in these areas?

In addition, both parties need to evaluate whether the other person’s character measures up to what the Scripture says is desirable in a husband or wife. Is he a spiritual leader? Is he a man to whom she can submit for the rest of her life? Can she trust him to lead her and their children? Would she make a suitable helper for the vocation and ministry to which he is called? Does he have a sinful temper? Is she insecure? Does she have a quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:3–4)? Are both hardworking and responsible with money? Is she a woman of excellence who loves and fears the Lord (Ruth 3:11; Prov. 31:10)? Can he trust her (Prov. 31:11; Eph. 4:25)?

Any couple contemplating marriage should also take the time to discuss their goals for the future. I once had a case in which the man wanted to be an overseas missionary, and the woman was determined to live in the same town with her parents. Neither would budge, so the courtship ended. In another situation, the young lady wanted to have many children, starting immediately after they were married, while the young man strongly preferred to have one or two, and then only after they had been married at least five years. He may want to be involved in the Baptist Church, while she prefers Presbyterianism. How would they plan to work out these differences and others that will come up through the course of a marriage?

Another key indicator to consider is how well the couple functions when they are with other people. Do they work well together as a team in public? Does he make efforts to get along with her family and friends? Does she have godly friends who are a good influence on her? Do they like each other’s families? Do they enjoy being with each other’s friends? What do their families and friends think about their relationship? Any concerns should be taken seriously.

It is important that two people who are seriously considering marriage talk through their past romantic and sexual history, both for the sake of honesty and so that they can decide whether they can forgive the past and leave it behind. To what degree have they been involved with others in the past? Do they have any present struggles with sexual sin, such as pornography or masturbation? When the relationship is becoming serious, the other person has a right to know. We have seen cases in which, following marriage, one party feels betrayed when he or she discovers the spouse’s present or past struggles with sexual sin. She might say, “I wouldn’t have married him if I had known.” Or, “I certainly would have delayed the marriage until this issue had been resolved.”

Early in a dating relationship, both people typically put their best foot forward as they try to create the best possible impression to attract the other person. As a courtship progresses, conflicts may arise, and sin will be exposed. Are both parties able to admit when they are wrong? Is she a peacemaker? Is he quick to forgive? Are both of them aware of their own areas of sin as they strive to become more like Christ?

Sometimes one or both parties unwisely enter into marriage with expectations that the other person will be different after the wedding. They need to ask themselves honestly whether they can love and accept their partners just as they are. Do they expect that the other will change after marriage? Do they think that marriage will solve all his anger and lust problems and will end her financial irresponsibility and laziness? While they may rightfully hope that God will continue to sanctify each of them (Phil. 1:6), the marriage vows call us to be prepared to love “for better or for worse.”

Many couples marry for the wrong reasons. Have they honestly asked themselves whether they are attracted to each other for the right reasons? Can they express their reasons for wanting to get married in a clear and convincing way? Boaz was attracted to Ruth because of her excellent character (Ruth 3:11). There is no reference to her physical appearance. Outward beauty will fade (Prov. 31:30); godly character will grow more attractive over time.

It has been said that a woman gets married expecting that her husband will change and that a man gets married expecting that his wife will never change. Before entering marriage, both the husband and wife should evaluate their expectations for marriage. Are they realistic? Do they want to be married so that someone else will take care of all their wants and desires? Are they expecting their spouse to meet needs and desires that only God can satisfy (Jer. 17:5–8)? Are they prepared to stick it out through conflicts and trials that are bound to come? Are they convinced that the other person will endure in keeping the vows of marriage even when it may become very difficult?

Some people “fall in love” without knowing nearly enough about the other person. Many people, after having been married for a short time, realize that they hardly knew their spouse before marriage. One way to get to know another person is to learn more about him or her through close friends, pastors, and family members. Wayne Mack’s book Preparing for Marriage God’s Way 5 includes some excel lent diagnostic quizzes that can help couples determine how well they know each other and enable them to get to know each other better. Pre-engagement counseling can also be a means to test a budding relationship.

Christians recognize that marriage is the God-ordained place for personal and physical intimacy between a man and a woman. Those who are committed to Christ will be careful in relationships with the opposite sex out of respect for God and out of concern for whomever they may marry in the future. The purpose for a single man and woman to spend intense time together, whether it be labeled courtship or purposeful dating, is to carefully explore whether God may be leading them into marriage. Honesty and openness are essential throughout the process. Ideally, one must not progress too far ahead of the other in terms of emotional attachment and commitment. The one who is more committed will have to be patient while waiting on the other person and, ultimately, on the Lord. If one party realizes that marriage is unlikely or impossible, this should be communicated honestly so that the other person will not be hurt any more than is necessary, and so that both can be free to explore other possibilities. Reasons for the breakup should be explained honestly and kindly. In such cases, the courtship/purposeful dating relationship has not failed. They set out to determine whether they were compatible for marriage, and discovered that they were not. Ideally, as they conducted themselves honorably during the courtship, they can pray God’s blessing on each other.

4. The NASB reads, “But if any man thinks that he is acting unbecomingly toward his virgin daughter, if she is past her youth, and if it must be so, let him do what he wishes, he does not sin; let her marry.” This translation would imply that Paul is assuming that the father has authority to let his daughter marry or not marry. The word daughter does not, however, appear in the Greek text. Other translations (including the ESV and the NIV ) interpret this passage to refer to one’s betrothed—that is, the woman to whom one is engaged.