part0051

Jesus teaches that divorce is permitted when one’s spouse has been sexually immoral. But there are still questions regarding exactly what level of sexual sin is sufficient to warrant ending a marriage and what proof of marital unfaithfulness is required.

The Greek word porneia, which is translated “immorality,” has a broad range of meanings and can include various sexual sins, including adultery and homosexuality. 1 It is clear that sexual intercourse with a man or a woman would qualify as porneia, as would other acts that involve sexual contact (heterosexual or homosexual), such as oral sex, sexual petting, etc. Pastors and counselors will face many different, heartbreaking situations and will need much wisdom from God as they seek to advise one who has been sinned against sexually .

Some acts are clearly sinful, but are not fully sexual. For instance, I counseled a married man who had reconnected with a former high school girlfriend through social media. On two occasions, they met at a public park and “made out,” but claimed that they did not have intercourse. His wife kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce. Did she have grounds? While his acts were adulterous, my desire was to try to help them work toward repentance and forgiveness about this issue and to address other problems in their marriage that had led to the breakdown of trust.

In addition, people get into adulterous situations by going to strip clubs (including situations in which there is contact with the performers), receiving massages that are of an inappropriately sexual nature, etc.

Another common problem is the emotional affair, in which one’s spouse becomes deeply connected (though not physically) to someone of the opposite sex in a way that threatens the one-flesh intimacy of marriage. 2 A spouse may rightly say, “I believe that your friendship with this other person violates our marriage covenant made under God. I am asking you to choose our marriage over this dangerous relationship.”

Many years ago, I received a phone call from a woman who had been coming to us with her husband for counseling. She explained, “When we were at the mall, I saw my husband’s eyes go toward a younger woman in a short dress. He was lusting after her. Jesus says that is adultery [referring to Matthew 5:28]. I want a divorce.” This example illustrates the danger of expanding the grounds for divorce and remarriage. While the instruction of our Lord powerfully makes the point that lust is adulterous and dangerous, he does not teach that every spouse whose partner lusts has a right to divorce as if one had committed the act of adultery. Otherwise, virtually every spouse would have the right to divorce. Similarly, when Jesus teaches that anger is murder (Matt. 5:21–22), he is not saying that everyone guilty of anger should receive the ultimate penalty that God has prescribed for murderers (death). In the case of the woman on the phone, I was tempted to reply, “You are as much a murderer as your husband is an adulterer. Now go, and show some gospel mercy to each other!”

Technology affords the opportunity for porneia through phone sex, video sex, Internet chat rooms, etc. 3 Someone who is truly repentant will address the sins of the heart that lead to such sin (Mark 7:21–23), as well as taking radical steps to cut off temptation (Matt. 5:29–30). Usually when one spouse struggles with private lust, the other should seek to come alongside the struggler as a helper as they seek to fight this sin together, instead of condemning or judging.

On the other hand, there is a difference between a spouse who fights against lust but occasionally stumbles and a person who relentlessly pursues sexual sin through pornography and masturbation without apology or effort to change. I have known men who had no interest in their wives sexually because of their willful addiction to private sexual sin (which may also constitute the sin of abandonment). Some men’s pornography habits involve bizarre (or illegal) perversions, including child pornography and torture. For example, one woman was convinced that her husband was guilty of porneia after he was caught in acts of voyeurism, including installing a hidden camera in their shower, by which he viewed female houseguests and family members. While every effort should be made to save a marriage affected by sinful lust, I believe there are rare cases so severe that they may qualify as porneia and would be grounds for divorce. 4

Can the innocent spouse divorce if porneia (i.e., a pattern of promiscuous fornication) that occurred before marriage and was deliberately and deceitfully hidden has later been exposed? Certainly, the guilty spouse should seek forgiveness for both the sexual sin and even more for the lies (Eph. 4:25). While I would encourage the innocent party to forgive (see the next question), I understand why one would say that this is porneia that might provide grounds for divorce. 5

Another situation that comes up is past sexual sin that took place during the marriage without the knowledge of the innocent spouse. I have had men confess a one-night stand while they were traveling years ago, or past inappropriate sexual contact with a woman at a strip club. They didn’t want to tell their wives because it would upset them. My answer was they had committed acts that were in grave violation of the marriage covenant (which Jesus labels porneia). These husbands have the duty to seek forgiveness from their wives. Their wives have a right to know and to decide whether to forgive. Of course, it would be my hope that the wives would forgive, but these men must trust God for the outcome.

Moreover, it is entirely possible that the innocent spouses may already know, or that they will find out in the future. I have been amazed to see how sexual sins from many years before have been exposed through God’s providence. It would have been much better for the guilty parties to have confessed their unfaithfulness before getting caught, which would have given them opportunity to begin rebuilding trust. By hiding their sin, they only delayed and increased the pain and the consequences .

I have encountered several situations in which one spouse suspected the other of infidelity, but did not have ironclad proof. What should be done? For example, a man’s wife accused him of infidelity, claiming that her feminine intuition told her that he was having an affair. She had forgiven him for an actual affair years earlier, but was convinced of his guilt this time because she was feeling the same way she had felt when he was in the last sinful relationship. I have counseled others who had reason to suspect that their spouses were being unfaithful because they were acting strangely and were unable to account for large amounts of time. Also, suspicious expenditures were appearing on bank statements and credit-card bills.

Scripture teaches that we cannot treat people as guilty unless we have proof (see Deut. 19:15). Hannah was falsely accused of sin based on appearances (1 Sam. 1:12–16). Scripture tells us that love “believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:7); in other words, love assumes the best. This does not, however, prevent a suspicious spouse from gently asking questions and conducting reasonable investigation into the activities of a potentially wayward mate. This should be done not with a motive to discover grounds so that he or she can get out of the marriage, but rather with the hope of restoring a spouse who has wandered from the truth (Gal. 6:1; James 5:20).

Spouses who are involved in sexual immorality typically go to great lengths to hide their sin. Innocent spouses can be tempted to fear that they will forever remain in the dark, but must learn to trust God to bring everything to light in due time. As Moses warns, “Be sure your sin will find you out” (Num. 32:23).

If your spouse has been involved in sexual sin, first turn to the Lord to ask for wisdom and grace. Prayerfully seek answers in his Word. Because these situations are extremely painful and emotional, I strongly advise that you seek godly counsel, ideally from your church leaders, as you seek to sort out whether your spouse has given you grounds for divorce through his or her sexual sin and what you should do next. According to Proverbs, “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel” (Prov. 12:15). Your church leaders have been appointed by God to shepherd your soul, and you are accountable to them (Heb. 13:17). They can help you to evaluate the situation biblically and to avoid making impulsive decisions, which could make things worse. They can help you try to work with your spouse toward some kind of peaceful solution—preferably reconciliation. You will probably have to humble yourself to be open to their advice, which may go against some of your own thoughts and feelings. Their involvement can also protect your future reputation because they will be able to bear witness that you sought to do God’s will and listened to wise counsel as you worked through your response to your spouse’s sin.

The word Jesus uses to describe the sexual sins that constitute grounds for divorce covers a range of serious sexual sins. Just because a sin may be potential grounds for divorce does not mean that a divorce must take place. As we will see in the next chapter, God often repairs badly broken marriages.

1. “Later Judaism shows how the use of porneia broadens out to include not only fornication or adultery, but incest, sodomy, unlawful marriage, and sexual intercourse in general.” Geoffrey Bromiley, Theological Dictionary of the New Testament: Abridged in One Volume (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 1985), 919.

4. John M. Frame quotes from the report of the PCA Ad Interim Committee on Divorce or Remarriage, which states that “the committee would argue that masturbation and the destructive sin of pornography per se are not grounds for divorce, because they do not unmistakably break the one-flesh relationship; but if a person becomes so obsessed with them that they become a substitute for fulfilling the conjugal rights of the spouse, then they could be understood to break the one flesh union.” The Doctrine of the Christian Life (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2008), 775.