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It’s Time to Stop Fighting
It’s healthy to say uncle when your bone’s about to break.
—jonathan franzen, how to be alone
Surrender is a word we interpret to mean giving up. Surrendering to where you are now, though, is very different from giving up. It’s the opposite. It’s acknowledging the starting point of “here.” In this chapter, you’ll understand what surrender really entails, read examples of what it means to surrender, and learn important techniques to help you surrender. By using the techniques of Chanting and of Graceful Begging (my version of non-denominational prayer), you’ll be well on your way to not just understanding surrender but actually doing it, too.
While it’s a very human reaction, when facing challenges, to immediately find a way to escape them or hurry through them, there is immense importance in being in the place you most want to run from. Surrender does not mean giving up; it’s simply releasing the energy of struggle and deciding to heal instead of fight. Being where you are is incredibly vital because it, too, is part of your healing. You are not here, in this place, to find that perfect doctor who will reconstruct your body and extract all of the bad feelings you have. You are here to talk to your soul. You are here to practice being kind to yourself, no matter where you are. You are here to transform your life into the enjoyable experience it is meant to be.
Surrendering is the act of simply allowing what is to be okay for now. Getting to a place of not feeling so bad about feeling bad is a massive first step. When we surrender to just “being,” we immediately put ourselves in a state of ease. When we are at ease, we are in healing mode. We can get stuck in the mindset that healing is “doing,” when often it’s a matter of “being” instead. Rigid action is not always necessary or beneficial. Healing can find its way into your experience through something inspiring you read, a gentle awareness, finding compassion for yourself, or a silent moment that brings new insight or guidance. These types of healing experiences are impossible to have if we are in mental or physical overdrive.
Through the process of surrendering to the discomfort that life brings, we are also able to honor the incredible opportunity that I call “the silver lining of suffering.” We get to release all that no longer serves us and transform ourselves into all we are meant to be. We get to come out of this stronger and better in ways we wouldn’t have ever dreamt for ourselves. Jenny Rush of the Lyme Thriving website said something that I couldn’t say any better: “Illness and suffering seem to go hand in hand. However, if we turn to face our suffering thoughts, dig down through them to their source, they dissipate as we come into a fresh clearing where our essence abides. Illness and the struggle with it can be used to find our way in and out. The illness is already there, might as well use it rather than be used by it. You deserve to know the wonder of who you are.”
But to use this journey, you must surrender to it fully, just for the moment.
Examples of Surrender Experiences
The energy of surrender itself has proved, in my own journey, to be exceptionally healing. When I was first diagnosed with Lyme disease, there was a very concentrated effort by my doctors to “fight and kill” the bacteria. From the day the tests came back, it was all about the eradication of the “invader.” I’m not sure if it was by example or of my own doing, but soon I found myself, too, in “killer” mode. My doctors and I would pow-wow about “obliterating” the disease, “beating” it, and “kicking” it to the curb. I sought out the strongest medications and the most powerful treatments, and embraced the extreme struggle of each protocol because I perceived that the harshness of it all kept me “winning.” I learned everything under the sun about how to kill the various viruses and bacteria in my body, and I used my life as a control center to do so. I had charts and supplements and drugs, and controlled each and every move I made to use my weapons in the war on Lyme. In part, this is the Western medicine mentality, but I also adopted it because I had no other awareness of how things could be.
In India, I had an experience that provided the backdrop for my love affair with surrender. I wouldn’t fully understand and embrace it until later, but I now see that the seeds were planted during this time.
Each day in the hospital, I panicked during IV time. The protocol and practices varied greatly in comparison to standard practices in the US. My fears heightened because I was so used to dictating every little part of my medical care at home, from self-injecting my prescription antibiotics to suggesting what blood tests my doctors should order. Every time it was time for an IV in this new country, my body would tighten and I would obsessively watch every move the nurses made, compare things to home, and create abundant scenarios in my head of things that could go wrong during the process.
Then, one random day, in a moment of deliberate surrender, I chose to just give up. I turned my head away and … I let the fuck go. I decided that if I were to die because someone was putting in an IV that wasn’t “my way,” so be it! I just couldn’t keep it up anymore; the struggle to fight “what was” was draining my last ounce of energy. In fact, this was a pattern of mine that my body had been trying to warn me about for a long time. But it wasn’t until then, suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere, that I really got what my fight was doing to me. It was making my life hard—and healing even harder.
Every day from then on, I got to practice surrendering when it was IV time. Deep breath, turn head. This ritual went on for weeks before I started to settle into the routine, slowly coming to terms with the fact that I probably wasn’t going to die from either the IV or the letting go. It was quite possibly my first baby step in the direction of freedom. I saw in that moment that I had the ability to create relief for myself, just by choosing to relax. Later, I’d come back to this example many times as a reminder of the energy I could save by surrendering again and again, even and especially when it was uncomfortable.
Now I realize that all the years I was eagerly fueling “the war on Lyme”—symptom tracking, trying to control each moment, and angrily “beating” the disease—I was actually throwing the energy of a fight into my very own body. I was stuck in a process of fighting against everything, including myself. There is no way, when you hold the energy of attack and fight, not to absorb that into all of your cells, the diseased ones and the healthy ones too.
The act of surrender will take great courage. You are going to have to do this very difficult thing, and that is, let go of how you thought things should be—just for now. That won’t be easy, either. But to set the wheels in motion, you need only ask yourself this one question, as many times as it takes: Do I want to fight my way to healing or do I want to flow there? It’s all in your energy. Choose wisely.
I’d like to share one of my favorite client examples of surrender as inspiration for you.
When I first started working with Susan, she was more frustrated than any client I had ever seen. She had a list that was pages and pages long of every doctor, symptom, ailment, medication, treatment, and approach that had filled the last ten years of her life. She didn’t understand why she wasn’t better; neither did anyone she’d gone to for help. The fight that was in this woman was fierce, and for good reason. But the problem was, she was so sick of being sick that she was wearing herself out trying not to be sick. She hated herself every day that she wasn’t healed, which put her into fight, flight, or freeze mode—and then made it even harder for her to heal. We spent several sessions just working with some techniques (which you will learn shortly) to get her to a place of feeling okay with where she was and being nice to herself in spite of not being well. While she wasn’t sure about it at first, she woke up one day and said she just felt different. When I asked her to explain it, she said she felt clear and calm for the first time in ten years. It was like she had been relieved of this enormous pressure-filled job to “hurry up and get somewhere else or be someone else.”
This was the beginning of Susan’s path toward feeling better not only emotionally but physically, too. It certainly wasn’t coincidental that once she started to accept herself and her starting point, she freed up energy for her healing.
Sometimes when we don’t like how our lives are looking, we get to decide to take things for what and how they are, right now. And often that’s exactly what we need.
Knowing it’s beneficial to surrender and knowing how to surrender are vastly different things, so let me offer you some ideas on just how to do it. The end game here is to become comfortable enough with where you are that your body can relax. That’s it. Simple!
My first introduction to chanting was in Delhi, where you can hear its reverberation throughout the city. Kneeling in front of something shrine-like, with my sister-in-law Tatiana, who was visiting from the States, we were strangers to it. There was no opportunity to ask questions or express our emotions before the chanting service began.
The energy shifted around me as we began to follow along, first slowly and then much faster. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo. This, I learned, was the practice of daimoku—chanting with specific words that reveal one’s state of inner Buddhahood.
Our synchronous chanting created a steady hum in the room. The presence of something transformational was palpable. When I finally opened my eyes after losing complete awareness of time, I suddenly felt at peace with where I was in my journey.
We were told to continue the practice and stay “aware of miracles.” We packed up to leave, still buzzing with energy. Still unsure of the significance of the experience on the way home, Tatiana and I agreed it was, at a minimum, super cool. When I got back to my hospital room, I googled “daimoku” and found that we’d just chanted words from Tina Turner’s religion. I watched a clip of her from Larry King Live, and her seamless chanting became my new aspiration.
I chanted whenever I was terrified or angry or simply lost. In times of pain, the chants welled up from within me. Chanting helped me surrender because it both distracted me from the fight and kept me present, actually making the moments bearable.
For thousands of years, singing or chanting has been a spiritual practice among many cultures and religions. With each word, chanting creates special vibratory sounds that hold the power to clear energy. The repetition directs the mind out of its usual craziness and into a higher vibration. That vibration rings throughout the body, clearing blocks. This is important because fighting against and having resistance to where you are can be caused by an energy imbalance and can also create one.
Because every molecule, cell, tissue, organ, gland, bone, and so on in our bodies has its own specific vibration, any sound or vibration that interplays with those can have a profound impact on us. Because we often feel uncomfortable if we can’t “do” something to change our situation immediately, the added benefit of chanting is that it gives us something to “do” that is healthy. It offers us active practice to help us shift away from trying so darn hard to fix things right now.
The repetition of a phrase is called a mantra. In many practices, a mantra is chosen based on the name of God, but you can use any positive phrase, from ancient religious or spiritual words to affirmations that you are in alignment with. Words are just energy, like everything else. Because of that, they have a direct impact on our bodies. With this knowledge in mind, it would be beneficial for you to choose a phrase for your chanting that either feels good to you or means something to you that helps you feel good.
Because there are endless possibilities for mantras, my list is wildly incomplete but is still a great starting place. You’ll find your own chanting groove in no time.
Om—Om is a word that comes from the Sanskrit language and is often described as the sound of the universe or the sound of creation. You can think of it as a symbolic “seed” from which anything can come. While it has roots in Hinduism and Buddhism, it’s a word that can be chanted by those from all faiths.
Om Mani Padme Hum—This is a Tibetan mantra and it means, roughly, “Hail to the jewel in the lotus.” The jewel in this case is the Buddha of Compassion, and self-directed compassion is always beneficial for our healing.
Ho’oponopono—This Hawaiian mantra means “I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.” These are all wonderful things to say to yourself !
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo—While this mantra translates as “I devote myself to the Lotus Sutra,” Nichiren, its creator, encouraged the chanting of Nam Myoho Renge Kyo as a practice by which chanters could spark their inherent Buddha nature—strengthening their capacity for wisdom, courage, confidence, vitality, and compassion. This is the first one I learned, and I just love the feel of it.
Om Gum Ganapataye Namaha—This is a salutation to the Hindu Lord Ganesha (the elephant god), said to be the “remover of obstacles.” The meaning behind this one is soothing. Who doesn’t want some of their obstacles removed, right?
I am—While this phrase is powerful on its own—because as I interpret it, it means “I am enough”—you can easily add an affirmation to this, making it I am getting stronger, I am peace, I am healing, and more.
I can—I can is a very impactful mantra, as it allows us to remind ourselves of our infinite power and capability. Some of my favorite extensions for this one are I can handle this and I can heal.
All is well—This is a favorite I learned from studying the works of Louise Hay. Even during the times I didn’t believe it, I sensed it was true.
Be here now—This one keeps us in the present moment, where it is impossible to regret, resent, or worry, as can tend to happen when we focus on the past or the future.
This too shall pass—This mantra is a personal favorite. I remind myself often that everything is fleeting, from this time in my life to this emotion and beyond. Everything blows just like the wind and moves, if I allow it.
I am well, I am whole—Taken from the little book Scientific Healing Affirmations by Paramahansa Yogananda, author of the famous Autobiography of a Yogi, this affirmation has become one of my all-time favorites. When we are experiencing illness or challenge, we tend to see ourselves as broken. This affirmation reverses that trained thinking.
Thank you— Gratitude is one of the highest healing vibrations. You may hear of stories where gratitude alone has helped people heal from incredible challenges. Many of us have a hard time being grateful when we are in the midst of struggle. However, saying these simple words over and over is powerful in itself. If English is not your primary language, I suggest you say it in whatever language has the most meaning to you.
Bird by bird—Author Anne Lamott tells a powerful story in her book Bird By Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life. Her brother, who was ten years old, was struggling to finish a report on birds for school by the next day. Her father sat down with him, put his arm around her brother’s shoulder, and said, ‘Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.’ The bird-by-bird concept is extremely comforting. You can chant it to release the overwhelming feeling of needing to fix everything, especially all at once.
Before you begin chanting to help you feel better about where you are at this moment, I suggest you set an intention. Here is my short-and-sweet intention prayer for surrender chanting:
Universe and inner being, please allow these vibrations to move through me, clearing away resistance to where I am in this moment.
Help me find peace.
And so it is done.
You will begin and remain chanting (repeating the phrase in whatever rhythm feels good to you) for as long as you can. When first learning a chant that’s not in English, it’s sometimes helpful to look them up online and listen to a video or an audio so you can hear how they are chanted. You can also chant right along. It’s okay to start slowly. When I first started, I was a very short-term chanter. I lasted only a minute or two before I became bored or distracted. But I grew from there. I now set my phone timer for several minutes at a time and then continue from there, resetting it again and again.
Chants often start softly and slowly, then get louder and faster. However, chant so the vibration feels good to your body because that will be the most healing. Always chant quietly if you are lying down or if you are very low on energy. If you find it difficult to sit down and chant, you can also do it while pacing or walking.
Chanting is so easy that it almost feels too simple. Whatever approach you decide to try, remember to find your own rhythm and go your own way.
Tip: I love to use chanting for surrender. However, chanting while focusing on moving energy blockages in specific parts of the body is excellent, too. Remember how the vibration of your chant moves through your cells? You can really use that to your advantage by directing your focus to whatever in your body or mind needs it most. Simply set your intention or say a short prayer stating what you intend for the chanting vibration to clear. Choose a mantra that feels good to you, and chant away!
While I didn’t grow up praying, and even rebelled against the idea, sometimes during my deepest, darkest days, I just begged. I called out in the dark and I begged for help from no one in particular. Over and over when I reached places of despair, I’d beg. Not gracefully (at the time), but from a place of total rawness, with a mixture of tears and snot dripping down my face. When I had sunken into places I believed I couldn’t pull myself from, I’d reach for this and it would bring me the reprieve I so desperately needed.
Just knowing that this was available to me, void of rules and full of organic and creative liberty, helped to solidify my love affair with it. Over time, it became a dedicated practice where I could feel my energy shift even before I started. I began to wonder why. How did this help?
It’s all in the surrendering. It’s the throwing of it from your hands and your heart and soul and simply moving beyond that heaviness of “I have to fix this in this moment.” It’s the energy of handing it over to a force greater than yourself.
In the practice of surrendering, we are eliciting the ever-so-important relaxation response. Surrender is the ultimate space for relaxation, for there is nothing to do but simply be. In fact, I believe that the positive benefits linked to prayer, which are now being studied more than ever, are based largely upon the relaxation response, too.
My original practice of screaming out and crying is now the technique of Graceful Begging, which has a resemblance to prayer but is free from any negative religious associations. In fact, at some point I discovered that the word prayer comes from the Latin precarius, which means “obtained by begging.” It makes this practice available to and relatable for everyone. It works best for me when I’m in a place of total willingness to let go—which often isn’t until I’ve exhausted all of my options for trying to control my current circumstance.
While the goal of this practice, whether praying or begging, is not necessarily to induce healing, it seems to be a common byproduct.
The Gerontological Society of America published a study of the role of prayer in psychological recovery following surgery. The effects of private prayer on a group of 151 older patients following cardiac surgery were observed.3 Results showed that most patients pray about their post-operative problems and that prayer seems to significantly decrease depression and general distress.
A study funded by the National Institutes of Health showed that people who prayed at least once a day were 40 percent less likely to have high blood pressure than those who did so infrequently.4
A study conducted by researchers at the University of Cincinnati revealed that inner-city kids with asthma who prayed and meditated had fewer symptoms than those who did not.5
As I healed, I turned much of the begging I did into more formulated, purposeful requests that I made and then let go of. Here, I’m offering you some of my own scripts that have a little more method than my original scream-it-out-to-no-one madness.
Let this practice be a way for you to ask for help from outside of your current control, for surrendering, allowing you to feel better about where you actually are. It will make it far easier to then flow or float into the next space you are meant to be in.
Just remember to be gentle with yourself during this process. You have been conditioned by society, the media, and probably the medical community to “fight.” We have the “war” on cancer, we “beat” heart disease, and the list goes on. We are subconsciously being trained to fight till the death—our own death, if necessary. Changing takes bravery. We are all born brave, though. You’ll do just great.
Most importantly, feel free to beg loud and proud and repeat the words that feel best to your soul. Place your hands over your heart, a calming position for most, then take a big, deep breath and recite any or all of the following suggestions. Take deep breaths in between each round, and repeat until you feel relief.
Directed at the universe:
Dear universe, please help me surrender to where I am in this moment. Please help me surrender to this process. Please help me trust that I am exactly where I need to be, and when I need to be somewhere else, I will be guided in getting there. I leave it all with you. Thank you and so it is done!
Directed at your own inner being or higher power:
Dear inner being, please help to reassure me that I am okay exactly where I am at this moment. Please help me release this energy of overwhelm. I need to do nothing more than allow what “should be” to unfold for me. Thank you and so it is done!
A “graceful begging” with no particular receiver in mind:
In this moment, I ask to release all resistance to where I am. I ask to release myself of all fighting energy so that I can harness it for my healing. I ask to feel that I am okay right where I am at this moment, and trust that clarity, ease, and abundance are making their way to me. Thank you and so it is done!
Now that you’ve got the hang of it, feel free to come up with your own versions of graceful begging. Alternatively, if my original ape-style craziness feels like it would be a better energy release, then beg and cry and scream out loud. I can tell you from experience that definitely works, too. When the need arises, go for it!
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You now have two tools to help you start your surrender process: Chanting and Graceful Begging. In part three, you will learn Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), which applies most fully to changing your relationship to stress. However, if you are still struggling with surrender, EFT tapping may be a handy technique for this as well. It may also be helpful to remember the story about my IV experience, because when all else fails, you really can choose to let go.
Now that you understand what good a healthy dose of surrender can be, let me reassure you of something. From this place of feeling more comfortable with where you currently are, you will see that it’s easier to flow naturally to a better feeling place. In the next chapter, you will learn how, from this more relaxed state, to build a solid foundation for your healing.
3. Amy L. Ai, PhD, Ruth E. Dunkle, PhD, Christopher Peterson, PhD, and Steven F. Bolling, MD, “The Role of Private Prayer in Psychological Recovery Among Midlife and Aged Patients Following Cardiac Surgery,” The Gerontologist Vol. 38, No. 5 (Oct. 1998): 591–601, http://gerontologist.oxfordjournals.org/content/38/5/591.full.pdf.
4. Harold G. Koenig, MD, “Religion and Medicine II: Religion, Mental Health, and Related Behaviors,” The International Journal of Psychiatry in Medicine Vol. 31, No. 1 (2001): 97–109, www.rish.ch/mm/Koenig_%282001%29_Rel_and_Medi_II_Rel_Mental_Health_and_Related_Behaviours_IJPM_31%281%29.pdf.
5. Richard Schiffman, “Why People Who Pray Are Healthier Than Those Who Don’t,” Huffington Post, January 18, 2012, www.huffingtonpost.com/richard-schiffman/why-people-who-pray-are-heathier_b_1197313.html.