Chapter Four
THE PLAYFUL STYLE
Jared, Melissa, Marco and Emma met early on a Friday night for drinks at their favorite club. It was still early and the place was pretty empty. After the first round, the four friends started swapping stories about past conquests. Melissa was giving Jared a hard time about the type of women he meets at bars.
“I saw you last week with that one girl. You know, the one who is always coming up to talk to you,” Melissa said.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jared laughed.
Melissa shot him a look. “You know, the girl with caked-on makeup. She looks a little like an orange. You went home with her, didn’t you?”
“She does not look like that,” Jared protested.
“Yeah, right. Whatever, man. I saw her, too,” said Marco.
“Please!” Jared said. “You can’t say she isn’t hot. She may be obnoxious, but she is definitely hot. I’ll admit, even though this may sound rude, that girls like her love to talk about themselves.”
“Oh, come on,” said Emma, “You are so clearly trying to change the subject.”
But Melissa persisted, “So did you take her home or not?”
“No matter where I went, she always seemed to be hanging around. So last week I was drinking pretty hard and I was pretty wasted. I asked her to drive me to Taco Bell to get some food. I also made her buy my food because I said I was out of cash. Then I had her drop me off at home. She wanted to kiss me. So we did. Then, I said, ‘Thanks,’ and got out of the car.”
“You expect me to believe that was it?” Melissa asked incredulously.
“Believe it or not, but that was it. The next day she called me. She wanted to make sure I had her number. She left a message, ‘Just in case you need anymore Taco Bell.’ It was hilarious.”
“Guys think they are so smooth,” said Emma. “I have a better story. Maybe a month or so ago, I was hanging out at The Well, and I happened to run into this guy that I had kinda been blowing off. Long story, but whatever. That night, it was pretty late and it started pouring. I couldn’t find any of my friends to get a ride home.”
“Was that the same night you texted me about a ride?” Marco asked.
“Yeah,” Emma replied. “And by the way, I still hate you for that. You are not forgiven! Anyway, I started to flirt with that guy—the one I had blown off. I asked if he hated me; I played like I was sorry, so he offered me a ride home. The guy I blew off ended up taking me across town. Guys are such pushovers.”
Jared smiled. “I’d say you are a pro.”
“You two are terrible,” Marco chimed in.
“Like you are any better,” said Melissa. “What about that time you went up to that girl just to tell her she was dumb.”
“I didn’t tell her she was dumb,” Marco objected. “I told her she was being dumb for talking with this other guy. He was a total loser. I was doing her a favor. I hate girls who think they’re all that, like they’re supermodels or something. I can’t be around anyone who thinks she’s better than everyone else. I like to knock girls like that down a peg. Besides I did the whole thing with a smile on my face, so she knew I was just kidding.”
“Why do guys think that girls like it when a guy acts like a jerk?” complained Melissa.
“Because it works,” Marco boasted. “That dumb girl totally loved it. The moment I told her she was dumb, that’s when she started liking me. She gave me her number that night. Some guys don’t have the personality to pull that off, so they come off as colossal jerks. But I flirt with my winning personality.”
Emma laughed, “What do you mean, your winning personality? You are a total jerk around girls.”
“Don’t lie. You like it,” Marco laughed. “Look, I can be mean to people without them even realizing I’m being mean. I used to call my ex-girlfriend ugly. She was totally gorgeous and she knew it. Sometimes she needed to be told that she was ugly. I did that for her.”
“That’s probably why she is your ex-girlfriend now,” Jared pointed out. “But I’m with Marco on this one. Everyone knows the whole thing is a total game. Girls play the game. Guys play along, too. That’s what it’s all about.”
“Yeah, picking on a girl’s looks is the same thing as using some line. It’s all part of the game,” Marco agreed. “And, girls, you know you like it when guys let you know that you look good, with all that ‘You are the most beautiful girl in the room’ stuff. You like to know that whatever it is you are doing is working.”
Melissa looked at Emma, nodded and said, “Yeah, but everybody likes compliments, not just girls. I do like it when guys tell me, ‘I like your hair,’ ‘Your eyes are pretty’ or ‘You girls look like fun.’ But so what?”
Emma agreed, “Meeting people and having fun is what it’s all about. Besides, most of the time when I go out, I’m with a group of my girlfriends. Not with you two,” she said, pointing to Marco and Jared with a laugh. “Last weekend Melissa and I went to The Well with some girlfriends and we had no trouble attracting the guys,” she laughed.
“Ahh, how easy it is to be a woman,” Jared said. “Guys have to buy the drinks, have to start the conversation and have to approach women.”
“Except for the last time we were here,” said Marco. “Remember that girl at another table who kept looking over at us? I pointed straight at her the next time she did that and told her ‘Stop judging!’ She came over with her friend to ask what was that about. She did all the work.”
“And I guess my Taco Bell girl did all the work, too,” said Jared. “Whatever, it’s all in good fun.”
“Well, yeah,” Emma admitted. “A lot of my flirting is just for fun. It’s not because I want to find a boy to go home with. Besides, I don’t need a boyfriend—I have you guys.”
All three nodded in agreement, and Marco got up to get them another round.
HOW TO SPOT A PLAYFUL FLIRT
1. A Playful flirt will flirt even when there is obviously no relationship potential.
2. A Playful flirt might flirt to try to get something from you.
3. A Playful flirt will joke around with you to try to get to know you better.
4. If you are at a bar, a Playful flirt might tease you a little to try to pick you up.
5. Playful flirts will initiate some sarcastic back-and-forth banter. If you like it, send it right back at them.
6. If you are in a friends-with-benefits relationship with someone, she is probably a Playful flirt (you might be the Playful flirt in this situation, too!).
7. Playful flirts will flirt with you while wearing a wedding ring (and you aren’t their spouse).
8. It is pretty clear that a Playful flirt is interested in tonight, not tomorrow or forever.
9. Playful flirts will send you sexy texts when they flirt.
10. If you find out after meeting a guy that he fudged some of the facts about his past relationships on his online dating profile, he is probably a Playful flirt.
These four friends give us some pretty clear insights into the world of the Playful flirt. Marco uses some playful put-downs to meet women, Emma can get a guy she treats badly to take her home on a rainy night, Melissa isn’t looking for a relationship and Jared can get a free meal from a persistent girl. Playful flirts know that flirting is a means to an end, and they have a good time getting to that end.
QUOTABLE
“I’ll flirt with anyone from garbagemen to grandmothers.”
—Madonna
The Playful flirt sees flirting as a game. For Playful flirts, it is fun to meet people, to chat them up and to try to get other people to fall for them, or at least like them. The Playful flirting style reflects a flippant attitude toward flirting. The Playful flirt thinks that flirting is a fun, esteem-boosting thing to do—something that shouldn’t be taken too seriously. It is done for its own sake–no (romantic) ties required. Playful flirts flirt with people for the sake of flirting, even people they aren’t interested in hooking up with or dating. Playful flirts are not worried about how other people may interpret their behavior because they believe everyone knows that flirting shouldn’t be taken so seriously.
At heart, Playful flirts recognize that flirting is a way to feel sexy, exciting, inviting and desirable. They like to attract attention, play little games and have a good time. Compared with all the others styles, the Playful flirt understands that flirting is a powerful tool to get what you want—a free drink or special attention—or to avoid things you don’t want—like a bad grade. For Playful flirts, these are little added bonuses that come along with flirting. They have absolutely no problem with using flirting to get what they want. And this isn’t always done consciously. Playful flirts react to situations in a playful way. They may not always be planning the things that come along with Playful flirting; they just behave in a way that makes others want to play along.
WHO IS A PLAYFUL FLIRT?
Both Men and Women
The Playful flirting style is equally distributed among both men and women. When it comes to the singles scene, men and women both benefit by developing a Playful style because so much of it is inherently fun. But Playful flirts see flirting as something to do at a bar, or with waiters and waitresses, cops, teachers and anyone else they think they can charm with their Playful style. That is, they know flirting can be used to get something—even if it is just attention from the opposite sex.
RESEARCH SAYS
Men and women are equally motivated to flirt to get something (like a free drink) and to boost their self-esteem.
25–35-Year-Olds
You could call this the decade of Playful flirting. The late 20s to early 30s are basically the time for flirting for fun. This may be because of what you can get away with at that age—it’s easier for a younger person to flirt casually and tease playfully. This behavior may be considered awkward or unseemly in someone 35 or older. Playfulness generally seems to be reserved for people who are young enough to pull it off. It could also be highest at this time in life because 25–35-year-olds are likely out of school, independent and hanging out in their own little urban tribe. People that age believe they still have time to figure out what committed relationships are all about.
Physical and Not Very Polite
As discussed in the Physical flirting chapter, the connection between the Playful and Physical flirting styles is pretty strong. Playful flirts are comfortable expressing their physical interest, but, as we shall see, that doesn’t mean they actually mean anything by it. Unlike the Physical style, which leads to some pretty intense experiences of physical attraction and romantic chemistry, the Playful flirt doesn’t feel flirting is about romance. Playful flirts might pretend they feel that way, but there is a good chance they are faking it. This would be like when a guy says to a girl he barely knows, “Girl, you know you are totally gorgeous and I can’t get over you.” The Playful flirt clearly doesn’t mean it. He’s just being a player.
The Playful flirt is not very Polite, either. The Playful flirt thinks all the hand-wringing anxieties of the Polite flirt are nonsense. This is especially true for female Playful flirts. Women are characteristically more Polite than men, and men are characteristically more, to borrow some British terminology, caddish with the birds. As a result, women who adopt a more Playful style are particularly impolite flirts. They are less likely to adhere to norms of politeness and social grace. As you might guess, this also means that women who are Playful flirts are not very Traditional. They are not very ladylike. For men, this Playful but not Traditional link just isn’t there. A Traditional man can be Playful, if he wants. Think of the guy who is all buttons and collars and proper manners at his job, but he also likes to tease and pick on the younger women around the office. He can be Playful and Traditional, too.
THE SURVEY SAYS
Playful women are much more likely to say, “I don’t think it makes a difference who makes the first move. I think if you’re interested in a guy, you should pursue him.”
Rebellious, Haphazard and Cool
The story of the four Playful friends at the opening of this chapter shows that you have to be a rule breaker to be a Playful flirt. Playful flirts tend to adopt a devil-may-care attitude about almost everything. You generally have to believe that getting your way is more important than making other people happy or avoiding hurting their feelings. If someone’s ego gets bruised or his feelings are hurt, the Playful flirt would defend herself by saying, “Well, that just goes with the territory. It is really your fault for taking it so seriously.” Just as Marco said, the Playful flirt thinks that sometimes people need to be put in their place, even at the cost of hurt feelings.
At the same time, Playful flirts are quite socially adept. They are able to put on a good social performance and can act a part, if they need to. Playful flirts can change the way they act or how they do things if it gives them some social advantage. If all this sounds like the classic John Malkovich and Glenn Close drama Dangerous Liaisons, you are getting the right idea. Love is a game that Playful flirts can play successfully to their advantage. But to play this game, you can’t be too concerned with other people or their feelings. Niceness is for suckers, when it comes to the game of love as played by the Playful flirt.
CYBER-FLIRTING
A woman with a Playful style might shoot you a sexy text message just for fun.
WHERE THE PLAYFUL FLIRT FINDS LOVE
The Playful flirt is hard to pin down when it comes to having a home field advantage. The tricky thing about Playful flirts is that they like being at bars and clubs and they like being single. So much so that they don’t really care about trying to meet people. When they do meet people, it certainly isn’t for the purpose of forming a meaningful relationship or seeking a committed partner. As a consequence, their home turf is being used for a different game entirely. They aren’t looking to find a boyfriend or girlfriend, a husband or wife. They are there to have fun.
Consider the following:
• The Playful flirt loves being single.
• The Playful flirt likes to go dancing and to dance seductively, maybe to even put on a little show to see what kind of attention it brings.
• The Playful flirt likes going to bars to meet people, but is not there to try to form any type of relationship—either a hookup or a long-term romance.
• Playful flirts don’t approach people at bars—not even someone they consider attractive.
• Playful flirts think they are better than their friends at flirting, and they think their friends are really good at it, too.
Taking all that in, what is the real story? Playful flirts have the ability to hook up with someone they meet, but they don’t really want to use it. They like to go out dancing and get attention, but they don’t go out of their way to try to pick up strangers. To get into the mind of the Playful flirt, you have to remember that, for them, flirting is done nearly exclusively for its own sake, or for the perks it brings. Flirting makes the Playful flirt feel good. It has nearly nothing to do with romance.
In the eHarmony Survey, we asked how it feels to flirt. Playful flirts were off the charts when it came to this answer: Flirting makes me feel attractive! Interestingly, flirting was also their way of feeling closer to people. This means that flirting helps Playful flirts feel a sense of connection with someone. But the second half of our question really drove home the point. We asked whether or not it felt good if someone flirted back, and Playful flirts responded with an overwhelming, Meh? Or I don’t know, sort of, I guess. That is, they don’t care that much if someone flirts back with them. They want to flirt because of what it does for them, but they aren’t looking to flirt because of what it does for someone else. They don’t want to spend time trying to figure out what other people are trying to communicate when they flirt. It is the buzz they feel when flirting that makes them feel good, not the buzz they get from others being attracted to them.
THE SURVEY SAYS
The Playful flirt is the only one of the five flirting styles who said “No” when asked, “Do you communicate your romantic interest when you flirt?”
THE PLAYFUL TACTIC
Playful Men Use the Neg
The term neg became part of everyday talk about flirting thanks to the Mystery Method and VH1’s The Pickup Artist, and there are lots of good examples of guys using negs on women from the reality show. But the best one was in the movie Crazy Stupid Love. The ultradreamy Ryan Gosling plays a self-created pickup artist named Jacob. He decides to initiate the recently dumped Cal, played by Steve Carell, into his pickup artist dojo and teach his protégé the ways of love. In one scene in the movie, Jacob is talking to a beautiful woman as Cal looks on. After she starts talking about her family, Jacob interrupts and tells her it is boring…at least for his purposes. Because, Jacob says, he has a bet with Cal that she is entirely too gorgeous to be interesting. This is a perfectly executed neg. It pays a compliment while at the same time forcing a woman to defend herself. She has to explain or show how she is interesting if she really wants the compliment. The attention Jacob is giving her is contingent on her impressing him. So why does this work?
As you might have guessed, men who are Playful flirts do this all the time. Like Marco’s strategy of telling beautiful women they are ugly or dumb, the Playful flirt thinks it is all in good fun. A graduate student at the University of Kansas named Melanie Canterberry and I took on these very questions about negs in a study looking at a set of aggressive pickup strategies. We found that by far the Playful flirting style was the style most strongly associated with men who tease women. Men who are Playful flirts aren’t overly persistent or pushy with women—they can take it or leave it—so they aren’t that competitive. They aren’t trying to get a girl alone or take her home. But they constantly tease women because it is fun for them.
Playful Ladies Love to be Teased
Now the real shocker, at least for Melanie and me, was that women who are Playful flirts like it when men use aggressive pickup strategies across the board. Women who are Playful flirts like it when men are competitive and try to outfox or outmaneuver other guys. They like it when men try to get them alone and get them in bed. These girls love cheesy pickup lines. They think the teasing is adorable and inviting. From the point of view of the Playful girl, it is all in good fun. Playful guys are content to pull a Jacob from Crazy Stupid Love and simply tease and neg a woman for the fun of it. But the Playful ladies like it when guys take it to another level. They enjoy it when men are teasing and competing and being persistent throughout the night. For the Playful ladies, it is pleasurable to have that kind of attention.
So there you have it, good evidence that Playful men and women are made for each other. This explains why men’s teasing tactics work so well. The men and women out there who share a Playful flirting style speak the same flirting language. They get a kick out of playing little games and they both agree that it is all in good fun. As long as one Playful flirt finds another Playful flirt, it probably doesn’t end all too badly. Neither person is in it for a long-term, committed relationship. No one is confused about what it is all about. Now, when the Playful flirt uses those tactics with another flirting style, it will end badly. Hurt feelings, broken hearts, confusion and outright drama are all likely consequences. Good thing that Emma Stone’s character in Crazy Stupid Love avoided Jacob when he first tried to pick her up. It makes for a much better story that way.
CYBER-FLIRTING
Because she thinks you like her and want to meet her, a Playful woman can really get into online chatting.
SEX AND THE CASUAL FLING
The Playful flirt tends to have casual attitudes about sex, too. You can probably imagine why. If flirting is no big deal, it would make sense that sex isn’t a big deal, either. My research provides some solid evidence that this is exactly the case for the Playful flirt. In the FSI Survey, I found that Playful flirts believe that sex without love is totally fine. They don’t have a problem getting into a purely physical relationship without the rules and restrictions of a committed relationship. They don’t judge other people who sleep around, either. However, there were some key differences when comparing Playful men and Playful women.
Women who are Playful flirts seem to act on these sexually permissive attitudes a bit more than men do. Playful women were more likely than Playful men to have one-night stands. Also, women who were more Playful flirts had more sexual desire than men who were Playful flirts. Playful women liked to consider what kind of sexual possibilities might arise when meeting a new guy. Although Playful flirts in general are open to no-strings-attached sex, women who are Playful flirts are more likely to have done it and are more likely to want to do it again than are men.
The bottom line: a Playful flirting style tells you more about a woman’s sexual past and her sexual future than it does for a man.
THE SURVEY SAYS
Playful flirts don’t think that meeting in bars precludes them from developing a long-term romance.
Just for a moment, let’s consider what would happen if a Playful flirt just happened to stumble into a committed relationship. What is that experience like for her? One way a Playful flirt might start a relationship is through a night of casual sex turning into something more. My research shows that the Playful flirt isn’t as well suited to a committed relationship as other flirting styles are. In the eHarmony Survey, we asked people what their most recent romantic relationship was like, and the Playful flirt was fairly noncommittal across the board. By a long shot, the Playful flirt was the most likely to describe her last romantic relationship as a casual fling. In fact, nearly half of those who said their last relationship was a fling were Playful flirts. When describing their last relationship, Playful flirts had a weak emotional and a weak physical connection with their last boyfriend or girlfriend. They were not terribly attracted to their last boyfriend or girlfriend all that much, either. Being a Playful flirt was not related to feeling particularly physically or sexually attracted to the individual’s last partner. So why were they in that relationship to begin with? The only good thing that a Playful flirt could say about her last relationship was that she had fun! Hey, at least it was good while it lasted.
THE SURVEY SAYS
Playful flirts are 13 percent more likely to use sex to try to start a long-term relationship.
This cavalier attitude about flirting and sex also translates into the Playful flirt’s feelings about love. Research tells us that there are six types of love. The one and only type of love that is related to the Playful flirting style is called ludic, or game players. Like a lone wolf out on the mountainside, the ludic lover tends to like to play games, keep secrets and go behind his lover’s back to keep things interesting. Ludic lovers keep their romantic lives as uncommitted as possible. They do not try to get very close or intimate with their partners throughout the duration of the relationship. To keep the game going and the sense of excitement and newness alive, they don’t like to share their personal thoughts and feelings. The ludic lover also sees sex as something done for pleasure, not for intimacy.
Given this player mentality, what other sorts of games might the Playful flirt engage in? In the FSI Survey, I found out some startling statistics. Playful flirts were 38 percent more likely than other flirting styles to flirt with other people while in a committed relationship, and were 17 percent more likely to date more than one person at once. Talk about needing to keep secrets!
THE SURVEY SAYS
Playful flirts are 15 percent more likely to lie to get someone interested in them.
This game-playing attitude toward love, the persistent flirting while in a relationship and the multiple dating partners all go together. These things are all about the hookup pathway to romance and a hookup disposition in general. In an extensive study of hooking up on college campuses, Elizabeth Paul and her colleagues found that students with a ludic love style were hooking up quite a bit—easily in excess of once every two weeks. And many, but not all, of these hookups included some fooling around or sexual contact with someone they never saw again. It all makes sense. You can’t expect Playful flirts to pass up on the opportunity to hook up when they are so good at playing the game.
Flirting or friendly?
All this points a pretty rough picture for Playful flirts who come to the conclusion that they want something more romantic. Moving past having multiple hookup partners to having a steady boyfriend or girlfriend is tough for the Playful flirt. What happens if and when a Playful flirt tries to transition into a more serious relationship?
The first thing to keep in mind is that Playful flirts are not just effective in a bar or club. They use their flirting style to their advantage nearly all the time. In fact, Playful flirts are more likely than any other flirting style to have the experience that people think they are flirting even when they aren’t. This happens when they are actually trying to be friendly. It seems that they just have a flirtatious disposition. This makes a lot of sense if you remember that, for the Playful flirt, making a connection with people through flirting feels good. They just can’t turn off these good feelings so easily. I had a friend who was a Playful flirt and he told me that he felt as if flirting were a way of just showing someone attention—in a good way. When he paid attention to a lady by flirting, he felt good and he thought it made her feel good, too—sexier, more interesting, and maybe a little frisky.
Flirting and being friendly are totally tangled up for the Playful flirt. In the eHarmony Survey, we asked whether or not Playful flirts had this experience: they tried to seriously flirt with someone, but it was misinterpreted as being friendly. Interestingly, this happens to Playful flirts all the time. If you have a good friend who is a highly Playful flirt, it is probably a good idea to realize she doesn’t mean much by flirting. If you see someone who is always flirtatious with everyone around her—a person who uses flirting to get her way—and she starts flirting with you, it would probably be best to doubt it was sincere. It would be safer for you to think of it as friendly. But because the Playful flirt is known for being flirtatious like this, it can be hard for the Playful flirt to flirt with romantic intent when she wants to.
Unlike Polite flirts, Playful flirts don’t typically flirt with people they know very well and they don’t use friendship as a way to start a romantic relationship. They are interested in lots of people, and they flirt with lots of people, but they don’t tend to seek out romance through friendship. So where do they find love?
The Workplace
The good news for Playful flirts is that there is one place that might give them a slight advantage: the workplace. Although it is taboo to flirt at work, especially between superiors and subordinates, work is one of the most common places for people to meet their future husband or wife. In the FSI Survey, I found that Playful flirts were 12 percent more likely to have met their last serious relationship partner at work. This is because the work environment gives the Playful flirt several advantages. To start with, Playful flirts are willing to break some rules, so workplace taboos won’t inhibit them. Because they are always coming off as flirtatious, they have the advantage of putting themselves out there in a relatively low relationship-seeking environment. Essentially, they stand apart as being more flirtatious than other, more restrained employees.
THE SURVEY SAYS
Nearly 16 percent of the 4,500 people surveyed met their most recent romantic partner at work.
RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE
When I am interviewed, I am often asked which flirting style is the best. I always answer that it depends on what you want. The Playful flirting style is a perfect example of this. Playful flirts may be naturally flirtatious, but when they decide they actually want to meet someone or get close to him, their approach gets misinterpreted. People around Playful flirts can’t seem to figure out whether they are flirting to get another boost to their self-esteem or they’re flirting with more serious romantic intent. Their regular, everyday behavior looks so much like flirting that they can’t get any other message across. They are so naturally flirtatious that it is hard for them to find a pathway to start a meaningful relationship.
Once in a relationship, people tend to stop prowling the hookup scene.
Playful Flirts in Love
Of the four Playful friends introduced at the beginning of the chapter, two ended up together. Melissa gave Jared such a hard time about the women he met because she was always trying to figure out what those girls had that she didn’t have. Melissa had been interested in Jared for a while, but nothing ever seemed to happen between the two of them. Jared liked Melissa, too. For her sake, he always held back a little with women at bars and clubs, especially when he was out with Melissa. The two of them just couldn’t figure out how to make it work. That is, until one cold night.
RESEARCH SAYS
Women who like to date Playful and flirty guys are looking to have fun on that date, but they are also open to the possibility of an exclusive relationship.
It was a cold, cold Friday night. Jared and Melissa were out on the town, as usual. They had had some drinks together and neither had met anyone interesting. As they shared a cab ride home, Melissa asked Jared, “Do you want to come inside? We could get some Taco Bell.”
Jared laughed and said, “I wouldn’t mind eating something with you. But, please, no more Taco Bell!”
That night, one thing led to another and they hooked up. Jared began putting his clothes back on to go home, as he always did with women. One of his rules for himself was he never slept over. Melissa looked at the window and said, “It’s snowing outside. You could stay if you wanted.” Jared looked back at Melissa and knew that she was serious. This wasn’t just a line or a game. He stayed the night and long into the next day.
That snow day marked the beginning of their relationship. You could say they were friends with benefits before that point, but neither were ready before that snowy night to take it to the next level. After that night, they started hanging out more and it very gradually became more serious. Neither wanted to talk about it. Neither wanted to have any expectations for their relationship. Neither wanted the fun, casual thing they had together to come to an end.
Soon afterward, rather than going to the clubs, Melissa and Jared decided to stay in. One night they went to Jared’s place for a change. While watching a movie together on the couch, Jared said to Melissa, “Is this us? Are we a thing now?” Melissa thought about it and without looking away from the TV, said, “Yeah, I guess we are.” Then, she smiled to herself and snuggled into Jared to get a little more comfortable.
 | ASK THE DOCTOR: When Playful Flirting Hurts |
Dear Dr. Hall,
My husband has a hurtful habit of flagrantly flirting with young waitresses. It makes me feel bad, especially when he does this in front of our kids. I know he loves me. Why is he doing this?
—Anonymous
For most people, flirting is romantic, novel and unpredictable, which is exciting and inviting. But flirting can also be hurtful when someone you love or your partner is flirting with someone else. The good news is that your husband isn’t necessarily flirting to be mean-spirited.
My first take on this situation is cut-and-dried: your husband is a classic Playful flirt. Playful flirts see flirting as harmless fun. They don’t think that flirting has anything to do with seeking a relationship, but often flirt for a boost of self-esteem or because they want to get something out of the exchange. If your husband is flirtatious with lots of people, not just young waitresses, and if he was a Playful flirt when you two first started dating, then you have a Playful flirt on your hands. If you ask Playful flirts why they flirt, they’ll likely say, “I didn’t mean anything by it.” And that is true for them.
However, you are being hurt by his actions and I expect that you are worried about two important things: (1) It makes you look bad in front of your family, and (2) you’re concerned about what it might mean to your relationship.
First things first: I actually think that your husband’s flirting while you and the kids are around is not a danger sign. The conventional wisdom is that people who are in relationships flirt because they are unhappy, and there is some research to support this. However, I believe that if he is flirting with you and the kids present, it has little to do with how happy he is with you—it’s more likely just in his nature to flirt that way. This doesn’t excuse his behavior, but it gives you a way of understanding it.
And the waitress is probably flirting back with him to get a better tip. Research says that when a female waitress lightly touches a male patron’s hand or shoulder, it increases her tip significantly. In fact, if your kids are right there, the waitress is on particularly safe ground. Unlike a creepy guy by himself or a guy on the prowl with a group of friends, a family man is unlikely to cause trouble or make her work life uncomfortable. All this points to a harmless exchange from your husband’s and from the waitress’s point of view.
But from your point of view, this is simply unacceptable. His style of flirting may be something he views as harmless and fun, but you need to let him know that while you understand that he doesn’t mean anything by it, his behavior upsets you.