Chapter Seven

THE SWITCH

It’s like a switch that just turns on. I guess for me it’s always on. I just have a really flirtatious personality. I’m like that everywhere. Even though it might not mean I want something more, that’s just how it comes off or how I come off. I don’t actually try to flirt with everyone I see. It just sort of happens.

—Tyler, 23 years old

With most people, it just isn’t happening. People have a right to their own space. There are so many people out there I don’t care to have any romantic interest in. If that’s true, there’s no point in me flirting with you. Or you flirting with me, I guess. Flirting is purely for romance. I’ve seen people who flirt with everybody, it doesn’t matter who. They just like doing it. I don’t really think about flirting. Ever.

—Maria, 25 years old

Just for a moment, imagine what it would feel like to be Tyler. If you already have a flirtatious personality, as he calls it, maybe you have no trouble relating to what he is saying. Imagine what it would feel like if people were constantly tuning in to your flirtatious vibe, even when you weren’t really trying. What would all of that attention feel like? Would it feel exciting? Would it be overwhelming? Would it feel fake or genuine? How would you feel about approaching someone you found attractive? Would it be easier or harder?

What if you walked a mile in Maria’s shoes? Consider what it might be like to find only a few people interesting and attractive. And when you were attracted to someone, imagine what it would feel like to keep your interest safely bottled up. What if only the people you really liked could see a flirtatious side of you? Would that feel right? Would it feel secure? Would it feel dull or unexciting? How would you feel about approaching someone you liked? Confident or concerned? This is the switch, an internal button of sorts. When it’s turned on, it charges up our flirting engines and makes us more receptive to others’ advances. When it’s off, it makes us less likely to flirt and to perceive attraction from others.

The switch isn’t a matter of being good or bad at flirting. In fact, the switch has a lot to do with your flirting style. This chapter will introduce you to a new way of thinking about flirting and explain how employing the switch will make you more effective at using your own particular flirting style to your advantage.

To start, I am going to offer you three ideas that will help clarify exactly what the switch is and why it is crucial to making your flirting style work for you.

THE SWITCH IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP FRAME

Far and away the most common question people ask me is this: How do I know whether someone is flirting with me? This, my friends, is the million-dollar question. It is incredibly difficult to answer. If there is anything you have picked up from this book so far, it is the fact that everyone flirts differently. Unless someone just comes right out and says he is flirting with you (and the chances of that happening are exceedingly low), you may never know whether or not he is really flirting with you. (The long answer to this question can be found in Chapter 8, “Perceptions and Misperceptions.”) Instead, because your flirting style captures how you act when you flirt, it tells the other person what type of relationship you are seeking when you flirt. The switch is all about creating a frame so you can interpret a flirtatious conversation or action.

Body Language and Ambiguity

This concept of a relationship frame is not my idea. Communication researchers have long known that body language plays a key role in making sense of the implicit relationship behind the conversation. The nonverbal part of communication, which includes everything from tone of voice to posture and eye contact, is estimated to deliver over 65 percent of the meaning in any given conversation. As the old saying goes, what you say is less important than how you say it.

Nowhere is this more important than in situations that are full of ambiguity. The thing that makes flirting so difficult to decode is that it thrives on mystery. People want to be ambiguous and indirect, play hard to get, all the while hoping that the other person correctly interprets these subtle cues. In fact, nobody ever just comes out and says, “I am attracted to you.” This is because no one wants to look needy or creepy. So people use a whole arsenal of nonverbal behaviors to try to entice interest and keep it vague at the same time. Flirting is hint, hint, hinting, but saying nothing clearly.

The switch is the part of your flirting style that frames where the relationship is going. When you want to know whether a particular person is flirting, what you really want to know is, What type of relationship is this person looking for? And your switch does exactly that–it clarifies and amplifies your relationship message and your interpretation of others’ messages when they’re flirting.

Where do flirting styles fit in?

We know that some flirting styles are more likely to convey a message of attraction than others. The Physical style clearly frames the relationship around sexual attraction. Similarly, if you are a Playful flirt, you can use flirting to make someone do something nice for you. It frames the relationship around communicating attraction for a particular purpose (although it may hint at something more sensual). On the other hand, the Sincere and Polite flirting styles frame the relationship differently. When you are talking to a Sincere or Polite flirt, it is hard to answer the questions, Is it attraction or friendship? and Does she really like me or is she just being nice? The switch of the Sincere or Polite flirt is framing the relationship around closeness or respect, not sexual attraction.

If you think about it in this way, you can see how the switch frames the relationship. It is sort of like a picture frame. It creates boundaries and limits on what is going on. The switch is like a decoder ring that tells you how to interpret the meaning of the whole conversation or, for that matter, a sweet smile or a light touch. In that sense, your particular style of flirting creates a relational frame that makes sense of the words that your new crush is saying. It makes sense of what you are saying for the other person, too. Some styles of flirting make clear that you’re interested in something physical and romantic. Other styles of flirting keep that added info under lock and key, because expressing such things goes against your way of doing things. The switch is your main (relational) frame when it comes to attraction.

When you are switched on, you are strongly communicating and highly receptive to messages of attraction–particularly physical attraction. When you are switched off, the signal you send to others is that you are being nice or friendly or you’re just uninterested. And when you are switched off, you interpret someone else’s messages the same way.

CYBER-FLIRTING

Physical flirts can get really personal really fast when chatting online. They will put a lot of intimate details out there and try to get their partners to do the same.

SEXUAL NEUTRALITY: THE SWITZERLAND OF FLIRTING

The second concept that helps explain the switch is the concept of sexual neutrality. Researchers of human sexuality typically identify sexual neutrality as a state when you are “not consciously thinking about or wanting to have sex, but also not being completely averse to the idea.” It is sort of an in-between zone. The idea is that a good sexual partner should be able to steer you out of neutrality to a special, happy place (you fill in the specifics).

However, when I think of sexual neutrality, I think of it as a state of being. Are you normally sexually neutral–not thinking about sex–or are you already in gear–thinking about sex constantly? Some people are sexually neutral by disposition and some are quite the opposite. Remember in the Physical flirting style chapter where I told you about the idea of having sex on the brain? Physical flirts see romantic potential all around them. They believe that people are flirting with them everywhere they go. Physical flirts always have their switch turned on.

Sexual neutrality is a state of being for people whose switch is always in the off position. It isn’t that they are against having sex. It isn’t that they don’t ever feel attracted to people. But sexually neutral people just aren’t thinking about sex, the possibility of sex or the sexual tempest that potentially lies beneath people’s boring or routine actions. The people who have their switches turned off are just going about their day treating interactions with people at face value. They don’t read extra sexual content into conversations. They probably miss most of the more obvious cues of romantic interest given off by others. They simply aren’t considering the world this way. And to them, it is OK to be Swiss. They have no problem with their own neutrality–they probably even have a very good reason for being that way.

Sexy Thoughts

Another way to think about sexual neutrality is to consider how often people are consciously thinking about sex. You may have heard that men think about sex every seven seconds. (Research says: This simply isn’t true for the vast majority of men or women!) What is true is that there is a huge range in the number of times people think about sex on any given day. Now, you don’t have to actively be thinking about sex to interpret a flirtatious glance or conversation as potentially signaling sexual or romantic interest. Thinking about sex may not make you accurate in assessing others’ intentions, but it certainly makes sure that you don’t miss out.

The FSI Survey gave me an even more to-the-point answer to this question. While you can think about sex in your dreams, in response to advertisements or in the context of a committed relationship, you can also think about sex as a consequence of interactions with real people with whom you are not romantically involved. Thinking about sex in reaction to an everyday interaction with an acquaintance or stranger is a good indicator of whether or not your switch is in the off or on position.

I asked 4,500 people how often they are turned on after interacting with an acquaintance or stranger. Between 35 percent and 45 percent said never or very rarely, which is a good indication that they are switched off. About 10 percent said they felt that way nearly every single day, and another 20 percent experienced it each week. These people are clearly switched on. Of the remaining people, about 20 percent had this experience monthly or so. These folks are in the middle–something that I’m going to get back to later.

What does this all mean?

When our switch is turned on, it is like we are letting our attraction flow out of us without reservation. We are sensitive to and perceptive of attraction from another person flowing back. We are open to feeling turned on sexually by another person (even if it is only in our imagination). The bottom line is whether or not our switch is on or off plays a very important role in whether we are open to communicating our sexual interest and whether or not we accurately perceive (or just imagine) sexual interest emanating from another person.

Relationship Buffer

Another interesting way of thinking about sexual neutrality is considering how being in a relationship affects this state of mind. Being in a relationship heavily dampens sexual desire for new sexual partners–in other words, your switch gets turned off. People who are in relationships, especially happy relationships, don’t seek opportunities to cheat and are even less attracted to their opposite-sex friends. Once your switch is in the off position, you are in a state of sexual neutrality. Listen to what two people I interviewed said about how being in a relationship affected their switch:

I’m in a relationship, so that is probably why it’s off all the time.

—Xavier, 20 years old

I noticed when I was single and went out with the girls, I was ready to party. Now when I go out, I notice it’s just an ugly meat market out there and I want no part of it.

—Nikki, 24 years old

It’s not that romantic relationships completely kill your sex drive or make you utterly unresponsive to attraction expressed by other people (if it did kill desire, then there would be no TV show Cheaters and the world would be an emptier place). Without a doubt, people cheat and seek attention from other people. However, being in a committed relationship changes the way we interpret interactions with opposite-sex friends and attractive strangers alike. We aren’t actively looking for signs of interest because we have shifted gears into sexual neutrality.

This means that the position of your switch can be changed. I won’t go so far as to say your switch can be turned off if you are usually on or vice versa. It probably cannot be set in a fundamentally different gear than the way you usually are. However, as a good friend of mine put it, you might not be able to switch completely on or off, but you can put a dimmer on it.

RESEARCH SAYS

When people are in unhappy relationships, they flirt back more in conversations with attractive strangers than people in happy relationships.

EMBRACING THE POSSIBILITY OF ATTRACTION

The third idea is to embrace the possibility of attraction. The switch is the essence of attraction. Everyone, everywhere wants to feel attractive, desirable and interesting. It is not just about wanting to feel attractive, it is about accepting the possibility that someone is attracted to us and would like it if we showed our attraction to them. There are some important reasons we don’t feel that way: (1) We don’t want to make other people uncomfortable, (2) we don’t want to be rejected, and (3) we don’t want to be delusional about how attractive we really are. To turn your switch on, you must get into the mind-set that expressing your romantic interest is less an imposition and more a gift. If you don’t already believe this is true, I’m going to try to convince you when and why it is.

Why Being Attracted to Someone Matters

Have you ever wondered why it is that beautiful people are treated differently than others? In a classic episode of 30 Rock, Liz Lemon is dating Mad Men’s Don Draper–the terrific Jon Hamm. The joke on this particular 30 Rock episode is that Jon Hamm’s character has no idea that he is exceedingly handsome. Instead, he thinks that he is exceptional at all kinds of things that he actually really sucks at. He is crap at tennis and is asked by ladies at the tennis club if he gives private lessons. Without question, he is the stupidest doctor in New York City. Because he is Jon Hamm, everyone wants to be with him and he can get away with nearly anything.

When we think people are attractive, we treat them differently. We believe that attractive people are more interesting, funnier and more socially adept than unattractive people. Crucially, when we are in a conversation with an attractive person, we act in a way that conveys more warmth toward them and confidence in ourselves. We are simply more sociable people when we are talking to attractive partners. As a consequence, we make it easy for attractive people to be charming or funny because we treat them like interesting and hilarious people. We ask a bunch of follow-up questions and laugh at their jokes a little harder (“Wow, you are funny!”). This gives attractive people the impression that they are funny, interesting and important. But they are not necessarily that way inherently. They feel that way because of the way we act.

The point that I am trying to make is this: deep down everyone knows that being attracted to someone tends to make us behave in a more attractive manner. This may be a consequence of the conscious attempt to put our best foot forward. It may be just a happy side effect of the heady feeling of attraction. In either case, giving in to our feelings of attraction makes us warmer and more engaged during a conversation. But what about the other way around–thinking that someone is attracted to us?

Why Perceiving Attraction Matters

Easily one of the top-rated, most important qualities we seek in other people is that they are attracted to us. It tops nearly every list when it is included as an option. Wanting mutual attraction in a romantic relationship is so obvious, in fact, that a lot of times people don’t even bother to mention it as a desirable quality. People will rattle off their favorite features in a romantic partner: sense of humor, warmth, being a good kisser and intelligence, but will totally forget a big one: she is attracted to me. When that’s brought to their attention, people think, Well, duh, isn’t that a given?

No, it isn’t a given! Instead, we work hard when we are flirting and dating to get our crush to like us. Whether he seems to be attracted to us really matters when it comes to how we behave and how we feel about ourselves. It matters when it comes to what we think and feel about our crush, too. Knowing someone is attracted to us seriously influences how we evaluate his potential as both a hookup and a spouse. This means that the perception that someone likes us makes a big difference in how we feel and how we treat others.

Topping 10

The discovery of interest from another person changes her from an 8 to a 10. The discovery of mutual attraction makes her seem like she’d be a good person to take home tonight, a good catch to start dating and just maybe someone you’d like to marry. Once you believe that someone is attracted to you, you change, too. You begin to share more about yourself. You begin to actively seek common interests and similarities with her. You start feeling better and better about everything in general and that person in particular. So why don’t we go around thinking, Everyone is totally into me all the time?

Those people do exist and they are called narcissists. People don’t like narcissists. Even though we might be initially impressed by their strong self-confidence and clearheaded self-assurance, it starts to wear thin as soon as we get past the get-to-know-ya stage. Instead, we prefer people who have a pretty accurate estimate of how attractive they are and how much people like them.

On the other hand, there are lots of people who drastically underestimate their own appeal. They might have low self-esteem or they may not want to draw attention to themselves, either physically or socially. They may be particularly worried about being disappointed if their own self-image turns out to be false. So what does all this have to do with flirting?

Perceiving Attraction and Flirting

Let’s say that someone is flirting with you. For whatever reason, she is making it clear she is interested in you. In knowing and accepting this information, you start acting in a more confident and more charming way. One man I interviewed described it this way, “If my switch were off, I would feel less attention. I would give less attention, too.” If your switch were totally off and you never perceived flirting, not only would you miss out on every possible relationship or love interest that came your way, you’d miss out on a lot of potential attention. Consequently, you’d give a lot less attention than you would if you simply acknowledged that you were considered attractive in the eyes of another person.

When I asked her why her flirting switch was turned on, one young woman I interviewed told me: “I guess it makes me happy. I see flirting and friendliness as being really close together. I’m an open and happy person and I guess I like flirting. But it’s not like I’m always looking for a guy. For me, flirting makes me feel happy.” Getting caught up in the feeling of perceiving attraction from another person makes us feel good. It is reassuring and enjoyable. To experience this, we have to be open to the possibility that others are romantically interested in us.

I want to be very clear; it isn’t that flirting is always a pathway to sex, intimacy or romance. It isn’t that it is always done for selfish gain or for a purely egocentric boost. Without question, flirting is tied to giving and receiving attention and attraction. This is exactly what it feels like to turn your switch on. When your switch is on, you express the interest you feel and you are open to the interest that others express toward you.

WHY SHOWING ATTENTION MATTERS

If you can accept that flirting doesn’t just have to be about romance, then you can begin to see that flirting is also a way of expressing your interest in others. A young man I interviewed told me that his switch was definitely on. When I asked why, he said, “I think flirting is borderline being friendly. It’s easy to cross over into flirting when you’re already being nice.” A woman agreed: “It’s kinda fun. People like you more if you’re flirting with them, so it makes you more likable. Being flirtatious with someone can make you more interesting in their eyes.” In showing our interest in other people, we draw attention to ourselves. Flirting enables us to elicit that attention from other people.

One friend of mine told me he used to flirt with the older ladies at his church. Every week he’d walk up to them after church to compliment them on their dresses and attempt to charm them. “Of course, it was all completely innocent,” he told me. “My wife was there the whole time. For me, it was just a way of showing them that I cared. I guess I wanted to let them know that I noticed them.” Flirting is acknowledgment and it’s validation. It says, “I see you there looking good.” It also sends the message, “Now see me” or “Look for me later.” Not necessarily for anything other than a little more innocent, affectionate communication of interest.

REASONS TO SWITCH OFF

When I interviewed people about their own flirting switch, I found a lot of people who were always on and a lot who were always off. There were two very common reasons that people kept their switch off: flirting is an imposition or they don’t trust people who flirt for no reason. These are both important positions to consider.

Is flirting an imposition?

The first point of view is fascinating to me because it makes so much sense and applies to so many situations. Essentially, these people were telling me that flirting obliges someone to respond to you. No doubt, this may be a problem. In the case of flirting with someone at work, it could get you fired because flirting may be construed as a form of sexual harassment. Therefore, isn’t flirting an imposition on another person’s privacy or personal bubble?

There are two sides to this coin. On one side, you respect the other person’s privacy and always maintain an appropriate distance. On the other, you privilege your own desire to express attraction. This two-sided dilemma is intensely felt by people who are trying to muster up the courage to ask someone out. They don’t want to put pressure on the person they’re interested in if that person doesn’t reciprocate their interest, so they err on the side of privacy, caution and indirectness. They typically beat around the bush when asking someone for a date.

When thinking about it this way, people with more direct styles of flirting tend to put their own needs over those of the other person, even at risk of making the other person uncomfortable. And this is not always a good thing. As one young man told me in explaining why his switch was off: “I just prefer to err on the safe side.” Not expressing your romantic interest is undoubtedly safer for both you and the other person. In some places, like work, it may be absolutely necessary to keep your job.

I Don’t Trust the Player

The other reason people keep their switch in the off position is that they want to protect themselves from unwanted sexual advances because they mistrust other people’s motives. A college-aged female explained it to me this way: “What would it be like to have my switch turned on? I think I’d have to be a completely different person. I’d have to look at social interactions completely differently. If your switch were on, you’d have to look at social interactions basically from a sexual standpoint. If I were switched on, I would think, What are their motives? Whereas now I’m looking at it from a different point of view. I am like, What interests me about what they are saying? What she means is that by framing the conversation around a particular topic and ignoring what might be the other person’s sexual or romantic intentions, you keep your switch off. You keep your distance and respect his privacy, but you also might miss out on cues indicating that he is having more than a polite or friendly conversation with you.

Being switched on makes you more aware of a person’s sexual motives, which may be a bit uncomfortable for you. For women, particularly, doubting the honesty or purity of men’s motives is a major concern when it comes to flirting (and for good reason). However, being switched off isn’t just about mistrusting his motives; it is about whether you are paying attention to what is being said in an interaction and whether it might be flirting. People whose switch is off prefer to keep conversations on topic and about the things they are clearly about. As a consequence, they tend to be rather literal about conveying and interpreting interest. What this means is that they completely ignore many hints or fail to respond to them.

SWITCH ON

Drawing from my interviews with people about their own switch, I’d like to give you a quick rundown about what it feels like to have your switch turned on and turned off. Here are some quotes from men and women I interviewed. Their names have been changed, but these quotes are real. The first group are those who would describe their switch as turned on.

What does it feel like to have your switch on?

• Flirting is a way of socializing for me. If it’s off, I’m not being as social.” –Eric, 20 years old, Physical and Traditional flirting style

• “It’s like I’ve got a lot of personality, I guess. It makes me feel more lively. If my switch were off, it’d be like a rainy day in a person.” –Maya, 24 years old, Playful and Physical flirting style

• “I’m always playful with people, even ones I don’t know. I grew up around girls, so I always kind of know how to act around them. I’ve been trained. [laughs]” –Logan, 30 years old, Playful and Sincere flirting style

• “I flirt a lot, but it’s not so much that I flirt with everyone I see. Flirting makes me feel attractive, and I feel that is true for everyone. Flirting makes you comfortable. You feel better about yourself.” –Marcia, 37 years old, Playful flirting style

What are the good parts of being on?

• “I am a waiter, so it helps to have my switch on. I compliment everyone, unless it’s a table full of dudes. It’s part of the job. Some of it isn’t flirting; it’s being extra nice.” –Carl, 25 years old, Playful flirting style

• “I’m usually really talkative at a bar, always laughing, so maybe that attracts guys. I don’t really shove guys off, as some girls do when they don’t want to talk to a guy. I’m open to talking to anyone. Maybe that makes me attractive.” –Anna, 40 years old, Sincere flirting style

• “Not that I flirt to make myself feel better, but I feel like it comes with the territory. It is something that I can do if I need to.” –Mauricio, 28 years old, Physical and Traditional flirting style

What are the drawbacks?

• “I’m just kinda known to be flirtatious with guys and stuff like that. A lot of my guy friends have said that and it drives my boyfriend insane.” –Robin, 21 years old, Physical and Traditional flirting style

• “Sometimes I feel like I can’t talk to someone without flirting or without somebody getting the wrong idea. Even when I’m working in a group, I can see that there’s flirting going on.” –Kathryn, 23 years old, Physical flirting style

• “Oh my God, I’ve bombed so many times. Should I just pick one? [laughs]” –Marcus, 29 years old, Playful flirting style

There are a couple of key things about these quotes that I want to emphasize. Having your switch on isn’t a choice, exactly. It certainly has consequences, but it isn’t something that a person just does or doesn’t do at will or with conscious intent. A lot of people with their switch on just accept being that way. They understand that it gives them benefits of attention, confidence and being social. But they also know that being switched on isn’t without consequences. A person with her switch on also runs into the problem of someone getting the wrong idea or getting rejected. She is just more comfortable with the feeling of being switched on–both the good and the bad that come with it. People switched on will often use it to their advantage. They might flirt to feel better or get the attention they want. The Playful flirting style is particularly tied into being switched on that way. Flirting is a means to an end.

SWITCH OFF

What does it feel like to have your switch off?

• “I’m really comfortable around people and I like talking to new people. I am the guy who is always the perfect gentlemen to my friends’ girlfriends. I think that’s a major advantage. I’m not a threat; I’m I good friend.” –Adam, 47 years old, Sincere and Traditional flirting style

• “Generally it is off because when I go out, I’m not trying to meet anyone special. Mostly because I think it’s pointless. It’s not like you ever have a meaningful conversation with someone at a bar. That’s the real way to get to know someone.” –Kelly, 36 years old, Traditional flirting style

• “I feel that anytime I can get a girl comfortable enough to talk about herself and share personal information, then it is successful. It isn’t about flirting, it is about being comfortable with people.” –Raj, 23 years old, Polite and Sincere flirting style

What are the good parts of being off?

• “When I go out with my friends, I mainly talk to the people I came with. It is important to me that nobody gets left out because other guys are trying to pick up on some chick.” –Russell, 32 years old, Polite and Traditional flirting style

• “I’m really outgoing and friendly, but flirting is rarely on my mind. That means I can be comfortable with guys in conversations where there might be something else going on. A lot of times I’ll just think a guy is being friendly and then later realize he might have been flirting. From my perspective, that is a good thing. Being switched off means I wasn’t overly nervous or trying to impress anyone–I was just being myself.” –Michelle, 25 years old, Playful and Sincere flirting style

What are the drawbacks?

• “The downside? It takes a lot of effort for me to try to flirt with someone. I need a pep talk. [laughs]” –Ryan, 24 years old, Polite flirting style

• “In most situations, I’m not open to being hit on. If I’m in a social outing, then I’d probably notice. But if I were in a grocery store and somebody was flirting with me, I wouldn’t even notice. I wouldn’t be aware that’s what they were doing.”–Jamie, 36 years old, Sincere flirting style

• “I’d like to be more aware that it’s happening, when it’s happening. I’ve found myself in situations where after I left the conversation, I’m like, ‘He was totally flirting with me!’ and ‘He was good-looking! How could I have missed it?’” –Jada, 42 years old, Polite flirting style

Here are a couple of things to keep in mind about those who have switches that are generally off. Being switched off is partly a mind-set, but it is also part of a self-image. People who are off can be quite friendly and social, but they just aren’t paying attention to the attraction coming back at them. Sometimes they are making a conscious choice not to put themselves out there, because they think it is needy or inappropriate. Some flirts in the off position are very charming people, but they pride themselves in playing it safe around their friends’ girlfriends or boyfriends or maybe just around other people in general. You might be tempted to say that people who are in the off position aren’t good at flirting. This is simply not true. It is probably more accurate to say they just aren’t using their natural flirting style and innate abilities to actively attempt to flirt.

USE THE SWITCH TO FLIRT SMARTER

As I’ve said, there is no one right way to flirt. Certain flirting styles are associated with having your switch on; people with these styles tend to send a more overt message of attraction and pick up potential interest in others. Other styles are associated with having their switch off; people with these styles tend to flirt less obviously or aggressively and don’t always pick up on the signals that others send out.

The beauty of the switch is that all flirting styles can use the power of the switch to flirt more effectively, to use what they’ve got to their advantage. Step one to doing this is getting to know whether your switch is on or off, then figuring out how to loosen it up.

KNOW YOUR SWITCH

Being aware of how we communicate romantic interest and attraction gives us insight into how our own flirting style may not always work for us. If you’re not “lucky in love” or your flirting style doesn’t produce the desired results, you should know that flirting is inherently complicated and most people struggle with the same frustration you do. This can manifest itself in different ways–you might have trouble attracting your crushes, you might not recognize when someone has a crush on you or you might have no problem getting attention, but you always get it from the “wrong” people–those who aren’t looking for the same thing you are.

The good news is that because all people are a mix of styles, you can tailor your flirting style to suit your needs. Emphasize the aspects of your flirting style that match your relationship goals and tone down the styles that do not. It is easier to emphasize or minimize parts of our behavior that are already inherent to our nature, than to change them completely.

The switch is an important part of this because it changes the message you send out and the way you receive messages. If you are very high on the Playful or Physical styles, then you are probably switched on. If you are very high on the Polite style or if you are a woman and high on the Traditional style, then you are likely switched off. If those quick rules of thumb aren’t enough and you still aren’t sure whether you are switched on or off, answer each of these four questions for yourself:

1. Do other people often think you are flirting, even when you don’t mean to?

2. Do you find yourself considering how sexually attractive or exciting opposite-sex strangers are when first meeting them?

3. Do you often intentionally put the brakes on showing your romantic interest in other people for their sake (or for your own)?

4. When you meet new people, are you more likely to consider whether they’d make a good friend or a good lover?

If you said yes to questions 1 and 2, no to question 3 and good lover to question 4, then chances are your switch is on. If you said no to questions 1 and 2, yes to 3 and good friend to 4, then chances are your switch is off. If you answered some combination of the above questions, then your switch is somewhere in the middle. For you, both of the next sections might apply. You also have an advantage because you are already aware that your internal attraction needs to be appropriate to the context and managed.

Now that you know whether your switch is on or off, I’m going to help you figure out how to turn it up or down to get the results you want when you flirt. Switching on isn’t always the best thing, nor is switching off. Based on the information you’ve read in this chapter, you should have a good sense of when you need to be more on and when you need to be more off. You can use the following exercises to dim or brighten your own switch as needed.

SWITCHING ON

If you are switched off, you know how hard it is to flirt on command. You don’t have a lot of practice putting yourself out there or approaching attractive members of the opposite sex. However, there are things you can do that can help you get started turning your switch on. Below is a list of tips and exercises that can help you get your switch loosened up.

1. Practice feeling interested. There are a lot of people who think flirting is a skill that people have either got or not. They also don’t realize that those who have the most success in flirting also have most of the failures. You’ve got to be rejected to be accepted. Now I’m not going to throw you to the wolves and just say, “Go do it.” Instead, you need to practice something much simpler: you must practice feeling interested. You can do this by accepting and being aware of feeling attracted or interested in someone and letting it affect how you act. One way to practice this is to accept feeling interested in people you don’t know and probably won’t see again. When you interact with a cashier, waiter or store clerk who is attractive to you, take a moment and pause. Smile to yourself and recognize that you are attracted to her. Then, for the rest of your meal, sale or interaction, keep that recognition in your head. Embrace feeling interested. This does not mean that you tell her or try to flirt with her. (For goodness sake, do not try out some awful pickup line.) Instead, I want you to be able to know what that feeling is like and observe how it influences your actions. Practice feeling interested and being comfortable with that feeling.

2. Adopt an open mind-set. As children, we were much more comfortable playing make-believe (thank you, Mr. Rogers). We could pretend we were riding a motorcycle while on a tricycle. Pretending is imaginative and it changes our mind-set about ourselves and those around us. To begin to flip your switch on, you may have to do the same thing. You need to start actively seeking signs of attraction. Even if you think this is only a bit of make-believe. This self-doubt is your off switch talking. Accept the possibility that someone you know is interested in you. Once you have identified that person, the next time you talk to him try imagining that he is really interested in you. Accept that interest as if it were completely true. Be open to it. The consequences of this activity should be revelatory. How does that knowledge change you? What does it feel like to believe it? Once you can convince yourself through imagining his interest, you will be much more alert to what it feels like when it actually happens. You might have the happy consequence of finding a partner whose flirting style is more Polite and appropriate, that is, switched off.

3. Know the context. One insight that people with their switch on can give those who are off is that context matters. Here is a choice quote about whether or not a guy is flirting or just being friendly when he is talking to a girl at a bar: “If you’re talking to a stranger, then it’s probably flirting. I mean, not too many guys at the bar talk to strange women to form a friendship.” Often this little insight is lost on women with their switch off. They are paying close attention to the topic of the conversation, worried about whether or not he is just being friendly, or they are simply oblivious to his cues. It is best in such a place to believe that it is always flirting. More importantly, you need to remember and act on that knowledge the moment it happens. In other places, like the grocery store or your workplace, this rule does not apply. When you are at a bar or a club, it is simply flirting, plain and simple. Practice being aware of how your surroundings influence the meaning of interactions–the context frames the relationship!

4. Watch carefully. Research tells us that men don’t know that they approach women who signal them to come over. Women don’t know they are signaling the men who are approaching them. There is a long history of research that shows that people are just not particularly aware of their own nonverbal actions and others’ responses to those actions. To get your switch loosened up, start being a people watcher. Students of nonverbal communication begin to see nonverbal behavior all around them that they tended not to notice before. You must do that with flirting. Notice how women flirt with men. Notice how men flirt with women. Watch couples interact at a bar and try to guess if they are on a first date or already in a relationship. Practice being more aware of flirting in general. People who are switched off lack awareness. They often complain that they are oblivious to the interest of others. By noticing it more in others, you will be less oblivious when it happens to you.

5. Pump yourself up. In the stories I told at the beginning of the flirting styles chapters, you may have noticed that people with certain flirting styles were more likely to preparty and get pumped up before going out. Getting pumped up doesn’t have to mean taking tequila shots with friends before hitting the bar. It means pumping yourself up mentally by telling yourself, “I look really good today.” Recognize that the way you dress matters when it comes to first impressions and dress accordingly. But the most important thing is to adopt the mind-set that people want to flirt with you. Begin to believe that they want you. One of the most exciting sexual fantasies you can entertain is the belief that other people want you. That fantasy is a good way to start adjusting your switch. If you don’t feel comfortable believing that people want you, then your fantasy can be “I have a dazzling personality” or “I own this party. This is my place.” The bottom line is to get pumped up. Do what it takes to make yourself believe that other people are interested in getting to know you better.

6. Remember your other strengths. A recent study on women who initiate romantic relationships found that assertive women tend to achieve more success and control in other aspects of their lives. By having women write down and think about the things they were good at in their lives, like their studies or careers, researchers found that women were more willing to put effort into controlling their dating destiny. I believe this is probably true for men as well. Remembering the things you are good at not only makes you feel confident, but it gives you some good talking points when you are presenting yourself to someone new. Let’s face it: flirting is about some honest self-promotion, too.

By practicing these tips, you will get to know what it feels like to turn your switch on. When your switch is on, you express the interest you genuinely feel and you are open to the interest that others express to you.

Remember, flirting isn’t about sex or being promiscuous. It is about perceiving interest in another person for all their distinctive qualities–physical, mental, spiritual and otherwise–and giving that attention right back to them. People love seeing that other people are aware of their good qualities.

SWITCHING OFF

The challenges of flirts with their switch in the on position are utterly different than those whose switch is turned off. Rather than a lack of sexual thoughts or a lack of willingness to be available, switched-on flirts are quite attuned to the attraction and interest communicated all around them. My advice about turning it down a notch focuses on things that people who are switched on may not be aware of or are not paying attention to when they flirt. Being always switched on has its drawbacks, and knowing how to control intense feelings of attraction is definitely beneficial.

1. People have a right to their bubble. Everyone has a personal space bubble that extends about 1½ feet around them on all sides. In some cultures that bubble is bigger, and in some cultures it is smaller. (The American bubble is a bit bigger than that in Southern Europe and Latin America.) However, people generally prefer to keep their bubble free of strangers, whether on an airplane or at their job. People who are switched on touch others freely and are a type of space invader. Even at clubs or bars, where people are open to being flirted with, one of the top complaints voiced by women is that guys may invade their personal space or are too touchy and grabby. Touch is one of our most powerful ways to communicate because it expresses both love and hate, both affection and domination. Those who are switched on need to develop a better awareness of other people’s personal bubble and remember that even a little touch can be an unwelcome space invasion.

2. Location, location, location. Consider the old saying: There is a time and a place for everything. This is a good lesson for those who are switched on. There is no problem with being friendly, laughing and enjoying the company of others. This is true pretty much no matter where you are. Whether or not you take it too far, however, depends on where you are. There is a very different level of politeness expected in the office than at the club. Finding out where you easily keep your switch off is a good way to learn how to control it. One young woman whose switch was usually on told me, “The only time I’d say it’s off is when I’m around my family. I’m more conscious of how I talk when I’m around my family.” This is sort of like using your inside voice. Sometimes you need to keep that sexual and physical energy out of the picture, just as you would if you were around your mother or father. If you need a little extra help doing this, imagine that your grandmother were there, watching you. The feeling that you might want to restrict your behavior is a good way to learn what it feels like to turn down your bright lights.

3. Stepping on toes. Part of the difficulty for people who are switched on is that they value attracting the attention of others and expressing their own interest, sometimes over the needs of others. It is no surprise that many naturally switched-on flirts had issues with their partner feeling jealous. Each of us has a choice about how we interact. Just because you could capture the attention of the hot guy/girl at the office doesn’t mean you should. It is not only disrespectful to that person’s partner, it confuses the working relationship. Not stepping on toes doesn’t just apply to men and women already in a relationship. It applies to everyone. Part of switching off means recognizing that many people don’t want your compliment, don’t want your attention and would like to keep things as professional as possible.

4. Stay sober. It probably comes as no surprise that the hookup culture is fueled by alcohol. A lot of hookups occur under the influence, and in the vast majority of hookups people regretted the most, alcohol was involved. If this is something you can relate to, then it might be time to think about developing your flirting style without a drink in your hand. Staying sober is a good way to avoid getting into a bad situation (or putting someone else in a bad situation), but it is also a good way to cultivate a bit of self-reflection when it comes to flirting. Take one night to go out and not drink. Watch how your own interpretation of people changes. What are you uncomfortable doing sober that you would be willing to do if you had several shots of Goldschläger? By watching how other people act and noticing the way they look under the influence, you can gain some insight about how you probably look, too. There is nothing like realizing the look of foolishness to make you want to avoid it.

5. What sort of attention are you seeking? There is a difference between being interested in someone as a person and being interested in someone solely to attract attention. Flirts who are chronically switched on have the misconception that missing out on attention is unthinkable. One young man said, “If I were off, I wouldn’t be as interesting.” This kind of thinking–that being off means you’re being rude, boring or downbeat–simply is not true. You need to recognize that not all attention is good attention. People who seek attention above all else are often much more interested in casual sex, rather than sex in the context of a relationship. This isn’t a problem in itself, but it may not match your relationship goals. Sometimes it is a good idea to avoid garnering potential attention because not everyone is someone you want attention from. Furthermore, attention seekers are fun at a party, but they can also be a drag when they drain attention from everyone else. Getting attention from other people can become like a drug that you don’t want to stop taking. Practice accepting what it feels like not to seek it out.

BE FLEXIBLE

The last key to being able to control your switch is to recognize when to turn it on and when to turn it off. Like mood lighting or a dimmer switch, you will want to be able to freely turn on and off your bright light. Good communicators are flexible. They recognize that context matters and that they can change how they act depending on what is called for in a particular situation. Flirting works the same way. When you know how the switch feels, and what it takes to kick it up a notch or tone it down, you’ll be able to use your switch when you need it most.