Pleasure Yourself
in Front of Your Partner
We have already pointed out that most of us began masturbating as teenagers. Adolescence is an awkward time, a stage when people are confused and perhaps overwhelmed by sexuality. Even if your parents were not shaming or sex-negative, the chances are that you began masturbating in secret and received messages from others that masturbation was at best distasteful, perhaps disgusting, or even sinful. There is a pretty good chance that you often did it in the bathroom, a place associated with excretion and washing up, not an intrinsically erotic space. You may well have tended to rush toward a quick orgasm to avoid detection.
This kind of hurried, secretive activity is perfectly normal and understandable, given these deeply ingrained cultural attitudes and the nature of adolescence. Normal is not necessarily desirable, however, and adolescent patterns can leave a behavioral legacy that is less than optimal, both emotionally and sexually. Secretiveness is often accompanied by shame, and being overly focused on quickly achieving orgasm limits the spectrum of your sexual response and the amount of pleasure that is available to you. While masturbating privately, going for those quick orgasms from time to time, and even using shame as an erotic intensifier are all perfectly fine, sharing your masturbatory experiences can be very liberating, provided your partner is on board and supportive.
Human beings are visual creatures and have been creating erotic art since time immemorial. Almost as soon as new technologies are developed—from the printing press, to photography, to the Internet—they are used to disseminate erotic material, much of it visual.8 Whether we acknowledge it or not, we are fascinated and turned on by visual erotic stimuli. If we are able to see, we almost certainly want to watch.
Similarly, most of us have some exhibitionistic tendencies, some desire to be seen. We may be quiet, shy, and reluctant to admit these proclivities to ourselves, but they are present in most of us. Masturbating in front of your lover is an opportunity to explore this voyeuristic-exhibitionistic dynamic, and it can be a turn-on for both of you. Pleasuring yourself in front of a mirror can also be a very powerful experience, in part because you are playing the roles of both the observer and the observed.
Beyond the erotic charge you are likely to experience as you pleasure yourself before your partner’s eyes (or as you watch), this is also an opportunity to learn and explore. Everyone has a unique way of experiencing sexual pleasure; it doesn’t always look like what you see in Hollywood movies (if it is depicted at all) or especially in porn. Watching your partner’s way of masturbating can be a wonderful opportunity to learn and to become a more effective lover, and by watching yourself in the mirror, you may discover new things about your own sexual response.
The best way to do this is to set aside a block of time, a half-hour or so, and create an erotic ambiance. Make sure you have plenty of lube on hand and allow this to be an extended session in which you make love to yourself. Do whatever it takes to ensure that the experience is safe, supportive, and mutually enriching. If you wish to talk about your fantasies, that’s great; however, some people may find this to be too much sharing.
The person who is watching should maintain an attitude of both interest and tenderness. Getting turned on as you watch is fine, too. After the session is over, take some time to bask in the afterglow. There is a good chance you will want to talk about the experience, but we recommend saving most of the debriefing for the next day, since people are particularly vulnerable after orgasm. For this reason, it is always good to express positive emotions, but keep it simple and upbeat. The in-depth conversations can come later.
It is important to make sure that each of you has the chance both to see and be seen, but schedule your sessions on different days. This is a great way to bring masturbation out of the closet and reduce or eliminate the negative feelings we have been conditioned to associate with self-pleasuring.