Fantasize Freely
Fantasies, like masturbation, are controversial. In the 1970s sexual exploration was a vibrant part of American culture, and during that time Nancy Friday raised public awareness about the role of fantasy.11 Friday’s books made it socially acceptable to acknowledge having sexual fantasies. Although cultural attitudes regarding sexual orientation and same-sex marriage have evolved rapidly in recent years, generally speaking we are living in a less adventurous, more conservative time, and attitudes toward fantasizing are not as positive as they once were.
In our years of teaching, we have met a significant number of people who feel that fantasizing about a person other than a beloved is tantamount to cheating. We have encountered others who feel ashamed of their fantasy lives. These attitudes seem to reflect a cultural trend that includes the movement to define compulsive sexual behaviors of various sorts as “sex addiction.”
Many sex-addiction counselors consider fantasizing as a “boundary” or warning sign that a so-called sex addict is on the brink of relapse.12 The founder of the sex-addiction movement, Patrick Carnes, identifies fantasy as the first of his ten “types” of sexual addiction and also considers fantasy a primary coping strategy for the sexually addicted. According to Carnes, “Lapsing into voyeurism in fantasy or visiting an old lover may not cause an immediate relapse, but it will certainly grease the slide to get there.”13 Many conservative Christians view fantasy as sinful in itself and corrosive to the marriage bond.14
For those who believe in “manifesting” (using the mind to make your desires real), the line between fantasy and reality is often blurry, and fantasizing about something may be seen as inviting that something into your life. These are all beliefs that find little or no support in the scientific literature on fantasy. In fact, one recent British study of sex offenders found evidence that contact pedophiles, those who actively engage in sex with children (as opposed to Internet offenders), often suffer from “fantasy deficit.”15
Another study, of 19,000 people in Great Britain, found that the vast majority of adults fantasize frequently (96 percent of males and 90 percent of females self-reported as doing so). Most fantasies were about someone other than a current long-term partner; fantasies often involved sadism (inflicting pain on others), masochism (experiencing physical pain, submission, or humiliation), and even illegal violent acts.16 In our view, there is no harm in having any fantasy, unless it leaves you with bad feelings about yourself or is accompanied by a strong desire or compulsion to act in harmful ways. For normal, mentally healthy people, the purpose of fantasy is to build sexual arousal—that intrinsically mystical, altered state of consciousness. Beyond that, fantasy is an imaginative act, and the richer and more complex our imaginative lives, the fuller and more flexible we will be as human beings.
While the author of the second British study suggested that basic fantasy structures stay the same over the course of a lifetime, it is safe to assume that the overwhelming majority of his respondents had no familiarity with the experimental Tantric approach, with its emphasis on consciousness and awareness. Most people have tried-and-true fantasies that have worked for them for years, and the most common reason for attempting to change a pattern is quite likely guilt over the fantasy itself. We propose an entirely different way of working—the intentional use of fantasy to expand the spectrum of erotic experience (including purely mental experience) that is available to you.
This brings an element of choice and therefore greater freedom into your fantasy life. If you stick with your tried and true, which is tried and true because it works for you, know that you are actively making this choice. When you try out something new, whether it is a kinky scenario, group sex, an encounter that goes against your general orientation, or imagining your body as possessing both male and female genitalia with which you can make love to yourself, think the fantasy through before using it in masturbation. Then do your best to observe how the experience feels for you. Make this a regular practice, and you are likely to become more flexible in your capacity for erotic response. If the preceding suggestions seem a little daunting, it may be easier to begin by adding a new element to one of your favorite scenarios; you can bring the variation in just before orgasm.
We have a couple of additional thoughts regarding fantasy in long-term relationships. Sharing fantasies can be a huge turn-on, but it can be delicate and even threatening for some. If you want to share your fantasies, be sure to do so kindly and in unthreatening terms. Also be sure that your lover is both open to hearing what you have to say and prepared to be kind to you in return.
In the realm of partnered sexual activity, fantasy is a bit more complex, since the Tantric approach to lovemaking involves presence and a collaborative attitude. If relying on fantasy in this context is a way of retreating and interferes with your ability to engage, it is probably not helpful. If you use fantasy to increase your arousal or focus your mind on being sexual, it can be a very effective way to improve your lovemaking experience. This is also true of mutual fantasies, which can be a delightful way to take each other higher.
These few caveats aside, there are no limitations in the realm of fantasy. Virtually anything is possible. Your mind is the place where true expansion can happen, so allow yourself to fantasize and do so skillfully.