Breathe Together
We have already introduced you to some basic Tantric concepts related to the breath and to our view that breathing consciously during self-pleasuring and intercourse is one of the most effective ways to create an expanded experience of sex and orgasm. We will return to this subject and examine it in greater detail more than once in later chapters. If breathing is one of the most effective ways to regulate and direct energy during sexual activity, it is useful in many other contexts as well, including before and after sex. In addition, breathing together intentionally is another very effective way to connect and harmonize.
In the late 1990s, country music star Faith Hill had a huge hit with the song “Breathe.” Whether or not this song appeals to you personally, the popularity of Hill’s recording reveals not only how intimate breathing together can be, but also the yearning that many people have for the kind of connection this practice inspires. It is another way you can consciously and deliberately act to strengthen your bond, without saying a word.
It can be exquisite to lie quietly in the afterglow of making love and breathe together. You can allow the rise and fall of your lover’s abdomen to set the rhythm. This is deeply relaxing and can be far more intimate than most conversation.
You can also use breathing together as a form of fore-foreplay. If you want to be intimate but are feeling a little stressed or out of sorts, taking time to synchronize your breathing can help ease you both into the mood.
There are many different ways to do this. You can do it lying down, as we’ve already described; you can breathe together in a standing or seated embrace, either face to face or with one of you behind the other; or you can do it standing a couple of feet apart, facing each other. This is often the easiest approach for beginners, because you can use both visual and auditory cues to determine when you are in synch. Allowing yourself to sigh on the exhalation is a clear signal that you are exhaling. It has a very grounding effect and will bring your focus back to your body.
You can also use breathing together while standing face to face in the early stages of the eye-gazing practice, especially if you are feeling strong emotions. Inhale deeply and audibly, through either the nose or the mouth, and then exhale through the mouth with a sigh. This will make it easier for you to match up. It will also help clear your mind and dissipate (or at least take your focus away from) whatever emotions you may be feeling, making it less challenging to eye-gaze, and facilitating your transition into a meditative state.
Initially, making sounds may feel awkward, and that’s understandable. Some of the popular portrayals of contemporary Tantra have mocked this very sort of breathing. People are often made uncomfortable by expressive vocalizations, especially when there are no words involved, both in a sexual context and in general. We will have more to say about making noise during sex later, but even in the context of simple exercises like these, inhibition can be a factor.
It may help to think that making sounds is just another way of moving energy. Sighing leads to the release of tension in your body and will make it easier to match up your breathing. The feelings of awkwardness should disappear with a little practice, but if they persist, just try to follow your partner’s patterns by relying on visual cues.
Whatever approach you take, synchronizing your breathing is a way to harmonize and to create a calming, peaceful intimacy. This can help defuse conflict, set the mood for a sexual encounter, and be the perfect coda after you make love.