Give and Receive Kisses
People tend to engage in kissing (and most sexual activity for that matter) without giving much thought to what they are doing. This means that there are numerous unspoken assumptions. While this approach can be satisfactory, if people are well matched and reasonably well attuned to each other, it has its intrinsic limitations. For one thing, it means that we are groping for a good experience and are not doing all we can to ensure we will have one. More importantly, this way of engaging sexually never allows us to test our ability to give and receive pleasure. A more Tantric approach affords us the opportunity to explore the full spectrum of sensation.
Many Tantric meditative practices involve working with the interplay between external and internal stimuli. Remember that in Hindu Tantric cosmology, the universe is seen as an ongoing process of union between energy (which is conceptualized as the feminine principle) and consciousness (which is represented as masculine). On one level, Tantric sexual ritual is an attempt to re-enact this macrocosmic process on a microcosmic level. To go even deeper: this cosmic process of union between masculine and feminine polarities can be re-created internally by an individual practitioner, by means of visualization or a variety of other meditative techniques. Masculine and feminine in this context do not refer to our genitalia or to culturally constructed ideas about how “men” and “women” behave. We can, however, use our physical embodiment and our imaginations to enact and explore these energetic traits.
Kissing affords an opportunity to explore giving and receiving and also to play around with these polarities, by allowing yourself to be penetrated by your partner’s tongue and then by doing the penetrating yourself. The experience of allowing oneself to be penetrated is very valuable for people who identify as male, especially those who have been well schooled in being aggressive and hard. By allowing someone to enter you, you are not only experiencing what it is like to be entered, you are deliberately taking on a role that is perceived as “feminine.” Even though the Tantric polarities are energetic and not physiological, this act of playing around with and reversing gender roles is a way to make your sexuality broader, more fluid, more full spectrum. We think it is valuable for anyone, regardless of anatomy and/or identity, to experience as much of this spectrum as is possible.
We have already suggested that people often kiss back and forth without much awareness. This is partly because it is an unspoken expectation—just the way things are normally done—and partly because it can be uncomfortable to receive without giving back. We encourage you try a very different way of kissing.
Before you begin, decide who will be the kisser and who will be the kissed. If you are being kissed, simply allow your mouth to go soft, relax, be explored, and penetrated. Do not kiss back. This may be easier if you are lying on your back. Just allow yourself to have the experience, and see what you can notice in the process. If you are taking the active role, begin gently, just grazing the lips; bring your tongue into play but not too quickly; and don’t penetrate your partner’s mouth until you feel you have been invited (nonverbally) to do so.
After you have entered, probe tenderly. Experiment with deep and shallow penetration. Run your tongue along the teeth, both in front and behind. Pay attention to the different textures and tastes as you are kissing. See what it feels like to be tender, but also explore being more aggressive, using your tongue as if it were a phallus. Try alternating between the two styles.
Spend several minutes in your predetermined roles, and then reverse them. You may wish to combine this practice with the preceding one. Kiss for ten minutes, and reverse roles at approximately the five-minute mark, if you can keep track of the time.