Break Your Patterns
to Discover New Sensations
By now you should have a very clear sense that expanding the range of one’s sexual response, both mentally and physiologically, is an important aspect of the Tantric approach. We have discussed the value of engaging additional erogenous zones in conjunction with genital stimulation, both as a way of creating energetic circuits and as a way of developing a richer erotic palette. If you add stimulation and/or change the manner of stimulation at the point of climax, you may find that you have new orgasmic experiences that are different from the familiar ones.
The conventional model of heterosexual sex involves “foreplay,” which may include kissing, stimulation of the erogenous zones, and manual or oral genital contact, all leading up to genital intercourse. Even if this is not your personal model, people in general tend to narrow their focus as orgasm approaches and will often keep doing the same thing, perhaps a little more vigorously, to bring themselves or their partners to orgasm. There is nothing wrong with having sex this way. It can be very enjoyable, but interesting things can happen if you break the pattern and try something different.
This is an advanced technique, and it may not be for everyone, especially people who are, as Nina Hartley refers to them, “hard comes.”57 That is to say, they require a lot of stimulation and may need everything to be just right in order to experience orgasm. Even if you are not a hard come, this technique may not always work for you, since it can short-circuit the orgasmic response. It is probably best to begin exploring this through self-pleasuring, but it can be very interesting in the context of partnered sex as well, provided you have a solid relationship founded on trust, share an experimental attitude, and recognize that experiments are not always successful. Know that if you are not thrilled with the outcome, it is nobody’s fault.
Changing the rate, intensity, or manner of genital stimulation can be distracting for some, resulting in a drop of arousal and perhaps in frustration, but again, if you are in a trusting relationship that embraces experimentation, give it a try. For example, during penetrative intercourse, go completely still and relax all your muscles as the sensation of orgasmic inevitability hits you. If you are performing cunnilingus, shift from licking to sucking on the clitoris at the last possible moment (this may require the receiver to alert you). If you are performing fellatio, switch from oral stimulation to manual when you feel your partner is about to ejaculate. While many people have the idea that the ideal blowjob involves swallowing, this change in stimulation can result in a very intense orgasm, especially if you have kept your partner on the brink for a while. There are numerous possibilities for changing the pattern and pace of stimulation, and if you don’t find it frustrating, it is a great way to add variety and new sensations to your sex life.
Whether or not changing stimulation in the way we’ve just described is something you enjoy, the easiest approach is to add something new. We have alluded to this previously in the context of self-pleasuring and in creating energetic circuits using erotic trigger points. When you bring this into play as your partner reaches the point of no return, it can serve to intensify orgasm, and sometimes taking a person by surprise in this context can be an added enhancement. The mind can get somewhat boggled, and this creates an opening for discovering new sensations, moving us beyond our preconceptions about what we like and what we don’t.
You can use some of the points we have already described, and just bring them in at the very apex. Sucking on something at this moment—for instance, your lover’s fingers—can be very effective, since oral pleasures are so primal. Playing with the nipples also works well, as does slapping the buttocks. Of course, people do this kind of thing in the context of regular lovemaking (and multiplying the stimulation is one of the reasons that many people enjoy group sex), but we’re talking about something very specific here—waiting until the last possible moment to add the secondary contact.
These practices may be particularly helpful for those who have difficulty experiencing orgasm as anything more than a genital phenomenon. Engaging other parts of the body, just as you are approaching the peak, creates a whole new series of sensations that you will begin to associate with orgasm. If you can visualize or imagine that the orgasm is happening not only in your genitals but also in the other area being stimulated, you may eventually be able to feel it there as well.