Be Present
Being present can be a slippery term. It is widely used in both spiritual and psychological contexts—being present in the moment or being present to what feelings come up for you. One of our teachers, Bhagavan Das, famously advised Ram Dass to “be here now.” Ironically, in absolute terms, scientific research shows that this is impossible—by the time we process any experience or sensation, it is actually in the past.6
It is sometimes worth trying to do the impossible. This is especially true because we live in an age of distraction. People read while exercising, check email while talking on the telephone, or even worse, text while driving. No one is exempt from the realities of modern life, and thus it is even more important to develop your capacity to be present, even if you are actually being present in a moment that has just passed.
It is probably easier to find examples of being present than to define it. Think of times in your life when you have been totally absorbed in some activity, when you have been completely focused on and aware of what you are doing, with no intrusive thoughts. Think of conversations you’ve had with someone who seemed to be thoroughly immersed in your exchange and how that person’s complete attention affected you. Think of the best sex you’ve had in your life, when you and your partner were so absorbed by your lovemaking that time seemed to stop and everything else disappeared. Think of those moments of pure feeling, good or bad, when the feeling was all that existed for you. That is what being present is all about. Many Tantric practices are designed to develop and refine this ability, to make it possible for you to choose to be present when you wish to do so, in a sexual context or in any other aspect of your life.
Tantric practitioners strive to become facile with their awareness, cultivating the ability to be in tune with their inner states while also being attentive to their partners. Many nonsexual Tantric meditations involve exploring the interplay between being outwardly focused and withdrawing one’s awareness as fully as one can. Some involve reversing figure and ground by focusing on the spaces between objects (what artists call “negative space”) rather than on the objects themselves. Other forms of meditation, such as gazing at a candle flame, are designed to develop one-pointed concentration (that is, complete and undistracted focus). It’s valuable to cultivate these skills, since life is an ongoing dance between the internal and the external. Relationships always require finding a balance between connectedness and solitude, and life requires finding a balance between presence and absence.
People often wonder what it takes to become a better lover. They may believe that there are specific techniques that can be learned and that mastering them will guarantee success. Techniques can be useful, but even if we know where the buttons are located and which ones to push, merely pressing them over and over won’t make the elevator arrive any faster.
The key to becoming a better lover lies in developing the ability to pay attention. This may sound simple, but arousal can be intense. It is easy to be so absorbed by your own excitement or so consumed by your desire for gratification that you lose awareness of your partner’s state.
Paying attention is worth the effort. By remaining attentive and more focused on your partner’s pleasure than on your own, you will become a more skillful lover than anyone who has learned a variety of moves by rote.
If you learn to observe the way your partner responds, you can orchestrate your encounters so that you both reach new heights of ecstasy. Without attentiveness, technical skills are likely to fail you, but in the hands and body of a lover who is truly present, techniques can be the tools of a master.