Step 6

Relaxing

Experience deep whole body muscle relaxation during sex

“Relaxation means releasing all concerns and tensions and letting the natural order of life flow through one’s being.”

—Donald Curtis. ⁴¹

“It’s totally amazing… they go through one stage of relaxation after another, and every stage releases tension.”

—Leonard Orr. ⁴²

Where Step 5—Meditation was about learning how to train your mind until you find peace and focus, Step 6 is about learning how to totally relax the muscles of your body.

Like Step 5 , at first glance Step 6 doesn’t seem to make sense. After all, isn’t sex and making love active and energetic? Remember all those big core muscles in Step 3 —the back, oblique and abdominal muscles, the gluteals, thighs and hamstrings—working in harmony to deliver those familiar pelvic thrusts? Sex gets our heart pounding. Our lungs suck in huge amounts of oxygen. Vast amounts of energy can be expended having sex and making love.

So why was learning to relax my muscles so important, so vital, to becoming a Sex God?

In the past, when I suffered badly from a bout of performance anxiety, I noticed all my body muscles were tense. As I lay next to my partner, full of anxiety and unable to get a good erection, my shoulder, neck and even jaw muscles were tense. And instead of all those big core muscles working in smooth harmony, they seemed locked in spasm, making movement awkward and difficult.

Not the picture of a Sex God!

If I was to become a Sex God, I had to cure this awful muscle tension.

So I wondered whether muscle relaxation could reduce the risk of performance anxiety and perhaps premature ejaculation. (I could experience both in rapid succession.)

My partner has a favourite expression: “Flip it around.” In other words, see the other side. See the positive instead of the negative side. So I thought if excess muscle tension was bad for perfect sex, could a high level of muscle relaxation be good for sex?

Before I continue, I need to make a distinction between what we would normally think of as relaxation, and…

Level 10 deep whole body relaxation

Imagine you are lying down on a couch, and I am sitting opposite you. I say to you, “Relax…”

Probably your shoulders would sag, and you might take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Let’s call that Level 1 relaxation.

Then I say to you, “Close your eyes and take a slower, deeper breath.”

You might feel some tension drop from your body. Let’s call that Level 2 relaxation.

Compared with Levels 1 and 2 relaxation, I shall be describing Level 10 relaxation. I call Level 10 deep, whole body relaxation. (This is not to be confused with Levels 0–10 of sexual arousal.)

I was in the lucky position to have already experienced Level 10—deep, whole body relaxation. I wondered if this skill could be applied to sex and making love?

So I tried it out. Success wasn’t immediate. Initially anxiety overwhelmed all attempts at relaxation. Like other key steps in this guidebook, practice is absolutely essential, but with time, I began to focus on muscle relaxation.

Suddenly, one night, I achieved deep, whole body relaxation while making love. My sexual world exploded. It felt as though I was floating, like being suspended in a pool of dark water, weightless, dream-like. I was free, free from anxiety, free from the past, free from care. Every movement I made was silken, smooth, sexy. It was like watching a sex god in a movie, except I was the star!

In that moment, I had crossed a bridge from being a sometimes nervous, sometimes unsuccessful lover to being a Sex God.

I felt the change in my mind and body, and knew I’d be able to get into this state of deep, whole body relaxation again.

Why is deep, whole body relaxation important?

Before I tell you how I learned to achieve deep, whole body relaxation, I will clarify three important points for you.

1. Energy vs relaxation

Sex is often energetic— with all those big core muscles in action—so why is deep, whole body relaxation critical? And how does it work if sex is so active and energetic?

When you achieve deep, whole body relaxation, you can select any muscle movement, or combination of movements, of any part of your body that you desire, because the rest of your body is totally relaxed. Choose tiny movements or big movements, fast or tantalisingly slow movements, relaxed or passionate movements. All your muscles work in smooth, silky, sexy harmony.

Time seems to expand and stretch, as if you are in a trance. In foreplay or in sex, there is no hurry. Every movement is designed in your mind with meditation (see Step 5 ), then becomes reality, through relaxation, for the exquisite and wondrous pleasure of you and your partner. One movement after another, like a magnificent symphony, glorious sex unfolding.

The goal is a focussed state of mind and perfect control of your body enabling blissful, mind-blowing ecstasy.

To paraphrase Donald Curtis, “The natural order of life flowing through your being.”

2. It takes practice to reach level 10 relaxation

Just saying to yourself, “I must relax” before or during sex might make you relaxed for a moment or even for the whole session of sex, but it’s possibly only Level 1 or Level 2 relaxation.

As I said in the introduction to Sex God Status , I visited websites telling me to try to relax. Relax? It really was like telling someone who couldn’t swim to relax when they were drowning.

You have to learn how to get to Level 10, then just as importantly, learn to reach Level 10 during sex. This takes practice. For me, it took a lot of practice!

As you learn to drop through deeper levels of muscle relaxation, closer to Level 10, you get nearer to perfect control of your body. This delivers exquisite pleasure for your mind, and ecstasy for your partner.

To paraphrase Leonard Orr, “You go through one stage of relaxation after another and every stage releases tension.”

3. Gaining perfect control

We have already looked at controlling the level of arousal and sexual tension to control the timing of ejaculation and to separate orgasm from ejaculation. Sexual tension involves muscle tension, and learning to relax your whole body during sex helps you to take intentional control of individual movements of your body, the level of arousal and sexual tension .

How I learned Level 10 deep, whole body relaxation

A long time ago, I was hypnotised by a psychologist to see if I could help police solve a murder investigation. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to help the police with their enquiries, but the experience stayed with me.

The psychologist led me to a quiet and darkened room in the police station, and asked me to lie back on a very comfortable couch.

He told me he was going to place me in a very relaxed state, that I could not enter this state unless I wanted to, and at the conclusion of the session, I would feel both happy and relaxed. I agreed to the process.

Initially he shone a pencil-thin beam of light into my eyes and asked me to keep my eyes open until he instructed me to close them.

Then he asked me to think of the little toe of my right foot, to wriggle it, and then relax it. At that stage I really didn’t understand why he made this seemingly unrelated request but I obeyed.

Taking his time, he asked me to do the same thing with the other toes of my foot, one by one, then my ankle, calf, knee, and leg muscles. At this stage my right leg felt heavy. The psychologist repeated the process with my left leg, toe by toe then up the leg. Both legs then felt like lead.

Next he focused on my fingers, wrists, elbows, arm muscles and shoulder joints, still at the slow, deliberate pace.

He moved to my back, abdominal and chest muscles, relaxing, relaxing, relaxing. I became aware my breathing was very deep, slow and calm.

He asked me to relax the muscles of my face, my lips, my cheeks, my eyes, my forehead…

At some point, the thin beam of light went out. I don’t know if he turned the light out, or I just couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.

Finally, he told me he was going to take me down from Level 1 to Level 10. He began to count, again with the same agonising slowness: “One… two… three…”.

I’m convinced at that point the psychologist had his foot on the couch, and was gently rocking it, because it felt like I was in an old-fashioned lift, slowly descending down into the depths of a dark but safe building.

“Four… five… six…”.

Never had I experienced such tranquil relaxation.

“Seven… eight… nine…”.

We reached Level 10. Welcome to Level 10 deep, whole body relaxation ⁴³ a dark, liquid, beautiful place; sacred, still and safe.

I had never known such a place. I didn’t even know it existed.

I decided then that I would visit this place again and again. However, at that point in my life, I never dreamt I would visit it during my journey to reaching Sex God status. Never did I dream it would make such a big difference to having sex, to making love, indeed to my whole life.

You can combine the energy of the big core muscles with deep, whole body relaxation, alternating your powerful muscle movements with deeper and deeper levels of relaxation, counting down from 1 to 10, feeling the layers of tension fall away until… Ahhhh! You reach that sublime, magnificent, dreamy, ecstatic, blissful state.

Make any move you like. For exquisite pleasure you can flex or contract one of your pelvic floor muscles. Wow! Released and floating free.

Sex God status!

As with meditation, there are compelling reasons why deep, whole body relaxation is an essential step to Sex God status.

Again, the bloodstream is flooded with feel-good sex hormones. Again, with relief from anxieties and stresses, the flight-or-fight and stress hormones subside, optimising performance.

And once again, positive neuroplastic changes lead to the creation of stunning new neural circuits and maps. Slowly, slowly, the mind of the Sex God is created!

If you would like to experience Level 10 deep, whole body relaxation there are a range of steps you can take.

I can’t take you back to that police station and introduce you to the psychologist who gave me such a life-changing experience, but if you want to, you can try reaching Level 10.

• Try the exact same process I experienced, and as I described. However this may be difficult alone. A sensitive partner may be able to help you.

• Purchase CDs to teach you progressive relaxation.

• Ask for a consultation with a qualified clinical psychologist trained in hypnotherapy.

• You may be able to reach similar levels of muscle relaxation with a traditional non-sexual massage.

• Alternatively, a tantric goddess may provide deep, whole body relaxation followed by a sexual massage.

• Meditation and deep, whole body relaxation are skills that can be learned, then used in many different circumstances: at work, in sport, during sex and love-making, on holiday or when going to sleep.

I invite you to try them out.

Enjoy!

The key points.. .

• It’s not enough to say, “I must relax”, or “I feel really relaxed.” At worst, trying to relax might make things worse because you are focussing on the problem.

• It takes practice, and perhaps help, to reach Level 10 deep, whole body relaxation.Instead of trying to relax, become and be relaxed. The focus is changed.

• Muscle relaxation is progressive—you drop from one level to the next until—in sex and making love—you reach an ecstatic, blissful state.

• When your muscles are totally relaxed, as in deep, whole body relaxation, the muscles used in sex are released to work in perfect harmony.

• Deep, whole body relaxation works in synergy with the other key elements of this guidebook—the realisation of full sexual potential, freedom of expression, a focussed mind, and love—so that Sex God status may be achieved.

• It floods the bloodstream with feel-good sex hormones, and creates positive neuroplastic changes.

• Relaxation facilitates the intentional control of the level of arousal.

• Then you have all the time in the world to give your partner and yourself the most wonderful pleasure.