Chapter 6
Dating and Relationships
I’m not a lesbian, but my girlfriend is.
Depending on where you live, the dating scene for GLBTQ teens may be quite happening—or it may seem like it’s not happening. But regardless of whether you’re in an urban, a suburban, or even a rural area, options do exist. Maybe your town doesn’t hold events like queer proms, but GLBTQ teens still find ways to get together and have fun. As you become more comfortable with your sexuality, you might even start dating a little . . . or maybe a lot. The important thing to remember: whether you’re experienced with dating, just beginning, or only starting to think about it, you decide how to run your love life.
Soul Searching: Figuring Out If You’re Ready to Date
When you’re a teen, there can be a lot of pressure to date. But not everyone is ready. It all depends on where you are mentally and emotionally, and no two people are the same in that regard. If you’re still trying to figure out who you are, it can be difficult to try to start a relationship with someone else. Still, for all teens—gay and straight—dating can be a normal and healthy part of developing positive personal relationships with others.
Been There:
“To be honest, I haven’t really dated anyone. I’ve only ever kissed one girl, and I don’t even speak to her now. I have found a few people through GLBTQ websites and such, but mostly people to talk to. A few have become my friends.”
—Kelly, 19
Trying to Fit In
Dating can be a lot of fun, but it can also feel like torture if you don’t feel free to date the people you’re really interested in. Many queer people end up in straight relationships or dating situations because they feel it’s expected of them. Some may be attempting to fit in or trying to change their feelings of being queer.
It’s common for GLBTQ teens to try to change or fit in. Some teens date people of the opposite sex in an attempt to hide their sexual orientation or in the hopes that it will make them heterosexual. Some even engage in heterosexual sex to try to deny their true identities.
If you find yourself in a situation where you’re doing something that doesn’t feel right, ask yourself if you’re dating contrary to your wants and needs because you feel like you have to. If it’s making you unhappy, you don’t have to go on these dates. If, on the other hand, these dates are more about friends hanging out, then it’s okay. The key is to be true to yourself and honest with the person you’re spending time with.
Dating to Figure Things Out
If you’re questioning, dating might be a positive way for you to explore your sexual orientation. You can meet new people, have some fun, and figure some things out. But while dating can help you answer some questions, sex won’t. Engaging in sexual activity for the purpose of figuring out who you are is a bad idea, and it’s not necessary. Being GLBTQ is about a lot more than who you sleep with. It’s about your personal identity, so you don’t need to have sex to become certain of your sexual orientation.
And you don’t even have to date. If you’re really feeling conflicted about your identity, the thought of dating might not appeal to you right now. The important thing is to listen to yourself. Don’t do anything you’re not ready for, because if you push yourself, things will just become more stressful. Remember, everything will sort itself out if you give it (and yourself) a chance.
Am I Ready? Dating Checklist
This checklist can help you figure out if you’re ready. So, before you check out the dating scene, be sure to check off each of these items:
I’m confident in myself.
I don’t feel like I need someone else’s approval, and I don’t feel the need to please others to the detriment of myself.
I’m confident I can say “no” if someone pressures me to do something I don’t want to do or am not sure about.
I can be respectful of others’ feelings and beliefs and won’t try to force them to do something they’re not comfortable with.
If things don’t work out with one person, I know plenty of others are out there.
Who Gets the Check? GLBTQ Dating Basics
Most of us get our ideas about romance from movies and TV, and there aren’t that many examples of Lance sweeping Hector off his feet and living happily ever after, or of LaTisha and Gabrielle waltzing off into the sunset (although there are a lot more than there used to be). When queer relationships are shown, sometimes they’re amplified versions of unhealthy relationship patterns. The lack of positive GLBTQ dating role models can make some teens nervous about the idea of dating.
Queer Dating Q&A
It’s natural to have a lot of questions and some confusion as you enter the queer dating scene. Most likely, a lot of what you’ve learned is probably modeled after boy-girl dating. So what happens if it’s boy-boy or girl-girl? Here are some common questions and answers:
Q: What’s a GLBTQ relationship supposed to be like? How do I know what to do if we’re both boys/girls?
A: What’s any relationship supposed to be like? Starting to date is a confusing time for everyone, but it might feel a lot more confusing if you’re GLBTQ. A lot of our behavior is based on long-held ideas about female and male roles in relationships. Being GLBTQ is a great opportunity to throw those stereotypes out the window and just be yourself. Let the personalities of you and the other person dictate what the relationship is like. As long as you’re true to yourself and the relationship is healthy, you’re off to a good start.
Been There:
“The best thing about my boyfriend is that I don’t feel like I have to worry what he’ll think about anything. We’re just cool with each other, and that’s the most amazing feeling-when someone likes you just how you are.”
—Troy, 17
Q: How do I figure out who should pay?
A: More and more people are going Dutch—each person pays for his or her share. Many teens don’t have a lot of pocket money to start with, so it helps if you split the tab. If only one person is going to pay, it’s usually the person who initiated the date. But who says dates have to cost a lot of money? See the next answer for some cheap or free options.
Q: Where is a good place to go on a date?
A: The standards are dinner, a movie, or someplace like a coffee shop, mall, or arcade where you can hang out. Nothing wrong with those—they’re classics. GLBTQ-friendly places like social events at queer community centers and underage clubs are great though, too, because you can be yourself. Really, when it comes to what to do on the date, you’re limited only by your creativity. Museums, a picnic in the park, or a hike are also great cheap or free options. (If you’re doing something like going for a hike, bike ride, or similar outdoor activity, make sure you choose a well-traveled path and that someone else knows where you’re going to be. Safety first!)
Q: Is it true that GLBTQ people are more promiscuous? Should I expect physical contact on the date?
A: Myth alert! That’s not true. Queer people are, by nature, no more promiscuous than their straight counterparts. And you certainly shouldn’t feel like you have to engage in sexual activity to find out if you’re GLBTQ, to prove something to someone (even yourself), to make another person happy, or for any other reason. Just like anyone else, you should take the time you need to be sure you’re absolutely, positively ready and that the other person is the one you’re ready to share that part of yourself with.
Q: If I don’t know a lot of GLBTQ people, will I just have to settle for dating whoever is around?
A: Absolutely not. One of the downsides of being GLBTQ in middle or high school is that you probably have fewer dating options than some of your straight friends. Nevertheless, you don’t have to settle. If someone doesn’t particularly interest you, you don’t have to date him or her just because he or she is one of the only GLBTQ people you know.
What’s My Type?
Among the most common misconceptions about GLBTQ people is that we always pair off according to type—butch with femme. Thankfully, with today’s younger generation, these ideas are starting to change. Words like butch (people having a traditionally masculine gender expression) and femme (people having a traditionally feminine gender expression) don’t even begin to take into account the full spectrum of GLBTQ people; many don’t consider themselves to be one or the other. Also, attraction just is, whether you’re GLBTQ or straight. Even if your taste leans one way or the other, who you end up with may very well surprise you.
The concepts of butch and femme have been around a long time. In the past, they were often used as a visible means of declaring an interest in the same sex. The roles of butch and femme continue to influence some GLBTQ relationships, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But they definitely don’t have to.
These stereotypes also color the perception many straight people have about GLBTQ relationships. Many of the ideas are based on the concept that there has to be a male and a female in every relationship, and regardless of the sex or gender of those involved, each must take one of these roles. The truth is, so many people have been operating with these traditions for so long that they started to think of them as laws of nature. But they’re not.
Some people choose this kind of dynamic in their relationships. But you also have a choice—you can be in a relationship with anyone regardless of what labels you take for yourselves, even if you don’t take any labels at all.
Been There:
“The dynamics of queer relationships aren’t talked about very often. Ideas of butch and femme within relationships are things that are stereotyped about the queer community, but rarely addressed in a plain way. At least in my experience of being bisexual, it can be really confusing to feel like there are specific male/female roles in a different-sex relationship and then not to have that framework, or familiarity, in same-sex relationships.”
—Gwen, 18
The GLBTQ Dating Scene: A Word of Caution
Meeting other queer teens can be difficult, but it also might not be as hard as you think. If you decide that it’s time to date, be sure that you’re safe in how and where you meet people. Some young people, distressed about being GLBTQ or just desperate to meet someone else who is, hook up with the first person who pays them attention.
Just like any dating situation, sometimes people don’t have your best interests at heart. Although it’s the exception rather than the rule, sometimes older and more experienced GLBTQ people take advantage of those who are younger or less experienced. These older individuals might offer teens sympathy and compassion while luring them into sexual situations. Sometimes they try to convince others that having sex will make them feel better or help them figure out who they are. It can be very comforting and flattering to have someone listen and pay attention to you—maybe he’s the first queer person who’s shown an interest in you. But take time to think about whether that person is thinking about you or about his own interests and agenda.
Being “Out” on a Date
It’s great to hold hands with your sweetie or give her a little kiss while you’re walking down the street. Unfortunately, public displays of affection (PDA) aren’t something that queer people can always take for granted. It’s important, especially as a young person, to be aware of where you are and who else is around.
It’s one thing for your hand-holding to cause Grandma’s jaw to drop in surprise. It’s another for the action to attract the attention of people who might want to hurt you. That’s not to say you can never give a smooch or put your arm around your guy in public. Just be smart about where you are and who is around. If PDA could cause a safety issue, you may want to give it a second thought. It’s a lot better if the date is memorable because it went so well than because someone got hurt.
Assessing the Situation
Homophobes aren’t lurking in every shadow, but they are out there—including some who are dangerous. Unless you’re on extremely familiar or otherwise safe turf, like a GLBTQ establishment or event, before leaning in for a peck, do a quick check of your surroundings.
- Are a lot of people close by?
- What’s the feeling you get from them by looking at them? What are your instincts telling you?
- Are people minding their own business, or do they seem a little too interested in yours?
- Are you in a place that’s open or easily accessible, or are you in a confined space where it would be tough to leave quickly?
Keep in mind that the degree to which you’re open about your identity will always be up to you. Be realistic about your safety. Hopefully, before too long, society will discover other things to worry about and a little queer PDA won’t cause a second glance.
Showing a Little Affection: If can be nice to show a little affection. It’s normal and healthy to want to express your feelings for your sweetie. But it’s just bad manners to explore your partner’s tonsils with your tongue in public. Queer or straight, no one wants to see that.
Knowing Looks and Open Stares
Even if you’re not overtly displaying affection, people might know by looking at you and a date that you’re out together. It might draw some attention. For example, maybe the woman at the table next to you nearly dropped her fork when you reached over and touched your date’s hand. Assuming you’re in a safe situation, it’s up to you to decide whether you’re comfortable with that.
Maybe you couldn’t care less and say, “Let them stare until their eyes dry out.” But if you’re uncomfortable, this might be one of those times to remind yourself that there is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with being GLBTQ. It’s natural to feel self-conscious when you start dating. In fact, queer or straight, young or old, most people feel self-conscious on first dates. Don’t worry—it will get better. The longer you’re out, the more comfortable with yourself you’ll be.
And don’t assume people are looking because they’re upset or shocked. Maybe they think you make a cute couple, or perhaps the woman who almost dropped her fork became lost in thought wishing her daughter could find such a nice girl. You never know.
Singing the Breakup Blues
Sadly, not all love stories end happily. All romantic relationships can run into problems, and those between GLBTQ people are no different. Dealing with a breakup can be rough. Sometimes it can be tougher for queer teens because you might have limited options for people to talk with about the breakup.
If you’re going through a breakup, it’s important to do things to take care of yourself. Here are some tips for getting through what can be a difficult time.
1. Don’t act like it didn’t happen. Breakups hurt—that’s why the word starts with “break.” It’s okay and natural to be upset.
2. Let it out. It’s important not to bottle up your feelings. Write a top 10 list in your journal of why you’re upset. Turn up your MP3 player and sing along at the top of your lungs to the most depressing or empowering songs you can find. Go for a run and tackle the toughest hill in the neighborhood. Express your feelings and release strong emotions in healthy ways.
3. Talk a good friend’s ear off. Sharing your thoughts with another person can help you decompress. Don’t forget your friends online, too. Reach out for some cyber support.
4. Take care of yourself. The worse you feel, the more important it is to show yourself some TLC. Try to eat well, stay hydrated, exercise, and get enough sleep. Maybe pamper yourself with a bubble bath and a good book or try yoga and meditation—whatever helps you relax and process the intense emotions you’re experiencing.
5. Take it one day at a time. You won’t be over a breakup in a day, or even two. But time does help, and you will start to feel better. You might even be ready to stop sticking pins into that little doll named after your ex. Seriously, though, breakups are part of life. They’re hard, but they provide learning experiences and help shape who you are. Reflect on what you can learn from the experience.
In addition to the usual breakup complications, GLBTQ teens sometimes have another issue to face—people who know about the breakup might be pretty insensitive. Unfortunately, some people don’t think queer relationships are as meaningful and valid as straight relationships. When you go through a breakup, they may not understand why you’re so upset.
These people might say uninformed things, like encourage you to give being straight “another chance.” Dealing with issues like that can be annoying and painful when you’re trying to mend a broken heart.
Here are possible responses to some insensitive comments:
“It didn’t work because you’re not queer in the first place.”
Possible Response: “It didn’t work because we weren’t right for each other. I’m having a tough time dealing with this and I could use your support.”
“Good—you can go back to dating girls now.”
Possible Response: “If you and Dad split up, would you start dating women?”
“It’s not like it was a real relationship anyway.”
Possible Response: “It hurts when you belittle how I feel. Whether you approved of the relationship isn’t the issue. This isn’t about you, it’s about me.”
Abusive Relationships: Recognizing Them and Getting Help
Dating violence can involve physical harm and sexual assault, such as nonconsensual sexual activity and rape. It can also include psychological or emotional abuse—including controlling behaviors or jealousy. Both female and male teens can be victims and/or perpetrators of dating violence. Although little research exists on dating violence among queer teens, research on same-gender violence among GLBTQ adults shows violence patterns similar to those among heterosexual adults.
More than 20 percent of adolescents say they’ve experienced emotional abuse or physical violence from an intimate partner. And this number is thought to be underreported, perhaps due to shame about being in an abusive relationship, concern about the abusive partner finding out, or fear of losing the relationship. Those in same-sex relationships sometimes are reluctant to report abuse because they aren’t ready to come out about their sexual orientation. Some researchers estimate that it’s closer to 30 percent of adolescents who have been harmed by partners.
Abuse between male partners may be overlooked because a conflict between men might be considered a fair fight. This is simply not true. Abuse of any kind is never acceptable. According to data from the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs, those who reported abuse in GLBTQ relationships are almost equally divided between male and female.
Dating violence for GLBTQ young people is very similar to abuse and violence in straight teen relationships, but queer teens may face additional challenges. They may have to deal with homophobia and ignorance about GLBTQ relationships. Abusive partners also might threaten to out the person being abused.
GLBTQ teens might struggle with ideas of what relationships should be like because relatively few positive queer role models are available. This can make abuse harder to recognize because victims don’t expect it or see it addressed in GLBTQ relationships. No matter who you’re dating, you have the right to be treated with respect by your partner. There is no excuse for abusive behavior of any kind, period.
Been There:
“The healthiest relationships are based on mutual respect. They are partnerships that give you energy and bring intimacy into life without harming your other relationships.”
—Jeremy, 20
Here are some facts about dating violence and relationship abuse for GLBTQ teens:
- You never deserve to be abused. No one does.
- The abuse is not your fault. It’s the fault of the abuser, no matter how much that person might blame you. (“You shouldn’t have said that. You know I have a temper.”)
- Abuse can take many different forms. It can be physical, emotional, sexual, psychological, verbal, or even social (like trying to turn friends against you or posting harassing comments about you on a website).
- Abuse usually happens in cycles. There might be a lot of kissing and making up afterwards, but eventually the abuse starts all over again.
- Abusers often try to isolate their partners from family, friends, and teammates. The person being abused often feels scared and alone.
- Abuse is about control and power, not love.
Dating violence and relationship abuse are serious problems for queer and straight teens alike. The good news is many more domestic violence resources are available today for GLBTQ people. If you’re in an abusive relationship and need help getting out, many organizations can provide assistance.
Kinds of Dating Violence and Relationship Abuse
Many types of abuse happen in relationships. It’s good to know what they are so you can recognize them right away if they occur.
Emotional Abuse. Emotional abuse can be harder to recognize than other forms of abuse, because it is often less obvious than physical abuse. Emotional abuse can include name-calling, insults, your partner putting you and your interests down, jealousy and possessiveness, and attempts to control who you see, what you do, what you wear, even what you eat.
A partner might tell you that you’re fat or stupid or that no one else would ever want you. If you complain about this treatment, he might tell you it’s not a big deal or you’re too sensitive. Maybe your partner is extremely jealous and always demands to know where you are and who you’re with. Or maybe he controls you with the fear of what he will do if he loses his temper (like breaking things, humiliating you in public, or hurting you). Perhaps he makes extreme demands on your time (even when you have important school or family commitments) and flirts, pouts, and eventually loses his temper if he doesn’t get his way. Maybe he tells you in subtle or obvious ways that you could never find someone better than him. Whatever the method, it’s all abuse. Emotional abuse can take a lot of different forms, but they all have the same result—they make you feel bad about yourself.
Physical Abuse. Physical abuse often is the first thing that comes to mind when people think about abusive relationships. Such abuse can include hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, kicking, hair pulling, biting, pinching, and throwing things. Physical abuse often is accompanied by threats of violence or an ongoing fear that violence will erupt if the abused partner does or says the wrong thing.
Sexual Abuse. Physical abuse can also be sexual in nature. Sexual abuse can include being forced or coerced into doing sexual activities you don’t want to do or aren’t ready for. The abusive partner might use emotional blackmail like, “If you really love me . . .” to pressure you into sexual activity.
It’s important to remember that even if you have a sexual relationship with your partner, you always have the right to say no to physical or sexual contact of any kind. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been dating. It’s your body. Even if you’ve been sexual with your partner before, you still have the right to say no now. If your partner doesn’t respect that and tries to force or coerce you, that’s abuse.
Been There:
“I was in a relationship for a few years and I actually thought it was a good one. I mean, we loved each other—what else do you need? Periodically, though, she’d tell me stuff like that I was difficult or that other people didn’t really like me that much. If I told her I was hurt by what she said, she’d tell me, ‘You’re just too sensitive.’ She’d also imply that I was lucky she put up with me. I eventually broke up with her and it wasn’t until I was out of the relationship for a while and had a new, healthy one that I realized just how unhealthy that other relationship was. I think because she never hit me and she was so fun a lot of the time I just overlooked the other stuff. But it took me a long time to repair the damage to my self-esteem that relationship had done.”
—Carmen, 19
An Abusive Relationship Self-Test
It can be hard to recognize abuse when you’re close to someone. Here are some questions to help you take a closer look at your situation. If you answer “yes” to any of these questions, you could be in an abusive relationship:
- Does your partner call you names, insult you, or make you feel bad about yourself?
- Does your partner often demand to know where you’ve been (or are going) and who you talk to, call, email, or text?
- Does your partner try to control who you connect with online at social networking sites?
- Does your partner humiliate you, including in public or at school?
- Does your partner make all of the decisions in the relationship or get ugly when you disagree with what he wants?
- Do you make decisions about what you’ll do or who you’ll talk to based on how you think your partner will react?
- Does your partner try to control what you wear and/or what you eat? Does she make negative comments about your appearance?
- Are you ever afraid of your partner?
- Does your partner ever blame you for his behavior, telling you that it’s your fault he hit you, scared you, or lost his temper?
- Do you find yourself making excuses to others for your partner’s behavior, especially how she treats you?
- Does your partner try to keep you from spending time with your family or friends?
- Is your partner inconsiderate of your feelings? Does he tell you that you’re blowing things out of proportion or that you’re overreacting when you try to discuss his behavior?
- Is your partner jealous of your time? Does she insist on being with you constantly?
- Does your partner ever force or coerce you into engaging in intimate physical contact?
- Has your partner ever physically assaulted you, regardless of whether he caused a bruise or other injury?
- Has your partner ever verbally assaulted or threatened you?
- Has your partner ever destroyed any of your possessions or done something else to “punish” you?
- Has your partner ever threatened to hurt you or herself if you leave the relationship?
If one or more of these sounds familiar, you might be in an abusive relationship.
Stopping Abuse
Abuse is never acceptable. It is your right to leave an abusive (or any) relationship immediately. If you identify abuse (or patterns that could lead to it) in your relationship and want to address it with your partner, here is some guidance that could help.
1. Tell him how his words or actions make you feel. Emphasize that it’s your right to feel safe and supported in relationships.
2. If he is apologetic and seems genuinely remorseful, it’s up to you whether you want to give him another chance. But be very careful. Abusive relationships often have cycles. The abusive person is very apologetic for what he’s done and swears he will “never do it again.” Things are good for a while, but then the old pattern of abuse can start again.
3. If the abuse starts again, it’s time to get out. Everyone makes mistakes, but chances are the abuse is part of a cycle, and it’s only a matter of time before that behavior shows itself again.
What If It’s You? What if you’re worried that you are the one treating your partner disrespectfully or abusively? Recognizing this is a very important step. Consider these questions: Is this the type of person you want to be? Is this the kind of relationship you want to have, instead of one built on mutual respect and trust? There can be a lot of reasons why you’re treating your partner abusively. Maybe this is the kind of relationship your parents or other family members have. You might need to get support for emotional issues you’re dealing with. It’s not too late to get help. You, too, can call any of the resources listed in this chapter or talk to a trusted adult. Do it not just for your partner, but also for yourself.
If you decide to get out of the relationship entirely, you have options. You can call national hotlines (like the ones listed under “Abusive Relationships: Getting Help”) or identify local resources by looking in a phone directory or searching online. Domestic violence organizations, rape crisis centers, and GLBTQ resource centers are all good places to start.
It can be difficult to reach out to people you know, but trusted adults can also provide support. Adults at home, older siblings, GSA sponsors, or trusted school officials are all possibilities. If you’re not out to anyone, talking with someone in your life might not be an option. You can talk to someone anonymously at a local or national organization.
You Deserve R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Soul singer Aretha Franklin had it right. Respect is the word to remember in relationships. Keep these tips in mind to be sure your relationships are healthy.
React to your partner’s negative behavior by talking to her or getting out of the relationship.
Express your ideas and thoughts. If your partner tries to make you think or act a certain way, he’s bad news.
Spend your time only with people who are supportive and positive. If this doesn’t include your partner, leave her behind.
Pledge to yourself that you value your own well-being too much to tolerate an abusive relationship.
Expect to have a partner who respects you and who you respect in turn.
Choose for yourself. Don’t let your partner dictate your decisions about who you talk to, what you eat, how you dress, or anything else.
Talk to someone if you are in an abusive relationship. Tell this person you need help putting a stop to the abuse. It’s okay to ask for help.