Acceptance of bad habits leads to their legitimization. Observe, for example, how road rage has now been redefined clinically, as a condition called Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). Does everyone who claims to have IED actually have it, or are they just having a bad day or a bad week or a bad drive home? This legitimization of IED has been met with skepticism from some mental health professionals and social psychologists alike. The problem, they say, is that accepting road rage as a clinical condition tends to take the accountability for such behavior away from the individual and place it somewhere in the misty realms of society at large.

But why am I discussing road rage here, in a section about dining together as a family? Because the clinical legitimization of IED symbolizes a growing trend in the erosion of personal accountability, a trend that can be countered through simple, slow rituals such as pausing for dinner.

Let’s see if there are other connections that can be made to support this idea:

• Email. We’ve talked a lot about email in this book. One of the major problems with email is that people send letters and attachments before they’re truly thought-out and ready, so as to get that particular task off their desk in order to make room for the next one. The decision as to whether the letter is ready, appropriate, and serves the purpose is moot. It’s now out there in the system—the loop. It’s somebody else’s problem. The accountability for the appropriateness of that letter has been eliminated through the ambient momentum of the workplace. But will this letter elicit a proper, timely response? Will it do its job effectively?

• Meetings. A person needs to schedule a meeting with a number of her colleagues. Knowing that no-one will be happy being forced into a meeting, she books the meeting online, allowing the software itself to inform the participants about the meeting. The potential difficulty of confronting these people has now been avoided. Accountability for ensuring a level of buy-in and participation from those around the table has been avoided. But will such techniques foster true collaboration and trust in the future?

• The accountant described in Chapter 3 puts off delivering bad news to his client by occupying himself with other tasks. Anything to avoid the confrontation with his client that he knows will be difficult. Accountability for creative human problem solving has been ducked. But will it lead to further business or referrals?

High-speed pressure tends to squeeze out of people the willingness and ability to account for their own actions and to be responsible for both the good and the bad in life. Is it any surprise, then, that accountability for road rage has now conveniently been shifted away from the individual himself? Or that coffee shops and fast food restaurants can be successfully sued for serving hot beverages? The loss of personal accountability threatens to rob society of innovators, leaders, and motivated individuals, and to rob individuals themselves of the gifts of self-determination and of questioning the world around them. We can prevent a great deal of this evasion of responsibility simply by ensuring time is spent with people we care about. This solution applies equally well to large families as it does to singles, and everyone in between. Make sure to make time to talk with people who can hear you, while you simultaneously hear yourself. Let the pressures of life find a slower, safer escape route.

NO TIME TO BE THE “BAD GUY”

Consider also the dilemma many overworked parents face in having to be the “bad guy” when discipline is required. When you come home from work late and there’s only half an hour between the time you pull into the driveway and the time the kids go to bed, who wants to spend that time being stern? Well-intentioned parents know that discipline and guidance is necessary, of course, but that doesn’t make it any easier. When there’s little time to transition from the pressures of the workplace and those of home, the quality of the parent-child relationship suffers.

Discipline, like accountability, is like medicine inside a bitter pill—hard to take but essential to well-being. Children who do not grow up with the discipline of regular homework, supper, and bedtime hours, and then miss out on the rules and corrections that parents are duty-bound to give, will emerge unwittingly with a gaping hole where personal accountability should be. This is already evident in the spate of lawsuits recently launched against teachers and schools who fail a student or who giveaBwhen an A was desired. Is a low mark the fault of the student or the school? A loss of personal accountability guarantees that blame will be placed in someone else’s hands.

Though the above examples focus largely on the relationship between kids and their parents, the same principles apply to other types of relationships, too. Observe the following case study:

Case Study: The Hit-and-Run Cyclist

In the summer of 2006, an elderly man exited from a health club where he had been enjoying his daily seniors’ exercise workout. As he did so, a cyclist who was traveling on the sidewalk, crashed into him. The senior was knocked to the ground and suffered injuries to his head and face. Instead of apologizing or offering to help, the cyclist berated the old man, accusing him of getting in his way, and criticizing him for walking so slowly. The cyclist then took off, and it was left to a couple of good Samaritans to help the man to a hospital, where he was admitted for observation. This is certainly not an isolated case, but it highlights the type of thing that easily happens when immediate reactionism rules.

NO TIME TO BE A KID

Another reason for the need to cool down within the family portion of the 24-hour day has to do simply with overload. Children of all ages have schedules and distractions as much as any adult.

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Kids have already learned the addictive ways of the high-speed life and they don’t want to (or can’t) give it up. Sixty percent of children over eight years old in the UK carry cell phones, as do 90 percent of kids over age 12. There’s even a special ringtone used by kids who desire unfettered access, set at a frequency that adults over the age of 20 can’t hear.² Such devices are being used by kids all day—during class, and especially after bed-time, when active chatting and text messaging take the place of sleep.

A story in the Globe and Mail newspaper described the problem like this:

“Even before they get off the bus, they’re already tired, and in class … they’re kind of dragging their heels and not as alert,” said Vancouver teacher Sharon Wyatt. …Yet parents themselves may be partly responsible for their children being constantly sleepy. … Many who work late will deliberately keep their youngsters up so they can spend time together. Studies show [that sleep-deprived children] are more likely to suffer higher rates of learning difficulties, behavioral problems, obesity, illness, accidents … lower levels of concentration, attention spans and creativity, a loss of short-term memory and an increase in hyperactivity.

Some sleep-deprived youngsters are even misdiagnosed with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and could be unnecessarily medicated, said Dr. Val Kirk, medical director of the Pediatric Sleep Service at Alberta Children’s Hospital in Calgary. “There’s a lot of overlap … between some of the symptoms.” ³

It’s hard to keep up with all of this, but that’s why slowing down is so important. Think what a mom or dad who adopts some of the principles of slow could do for the kids at home:

• Developing the skills to manage at-work workload becomes the ability to help a child plan for and complete homework, assignments, and study for exams.

• Establishing pace and balance to ensure the right work gets done the right way becomes the ability to teach a child the art of prioritization and clear thinking.

• Recognizing and discussing the value of having a mentor becomes an opportunity for the child to understand that she, too, can open up and talk with her parents about problems or difficulties.

• Eating a good morning breakfast becomes proof of its importance and legitimacy.

• Preparing and packing a good lunch into Mom and Dad’s briefcase becomes a demonstration that eating and preparing meals is not a tedious chore but a legitimate and important component of the day.

• Eliminating the temptation to bring work home or to spend home time reading emails and text messages becomes a demonstration that work and life need balance and that it is in everyone’s grasp.

• Eliminating the temptation to bring work home or to spend home time reading emails and text messages also becomes an opportunity to help a child’s study efforts by asking him what he now knows about what he’s just read. Learning is best achieved not by simply reading something but by talking about it after.

• Eliminating the temptation to bring work home or to spend home time reading emails and text messages also becomes an opportunity to observe a child’s Internet usage, especially when chat rooms are involved.

Tips for Transitioning between Work and Home

• Use the commute or the drive as decompression time. Leave the cell phone in the briefcase and listen to music, or just blue-sky.

• Develop a habit of closure at the office. Use the last few minutes at work to close down your email and to change your daily voice mail greeting to tomorrow’s date. This helps define the end of a day.

• If tensions from work follow you home, use a “trouble tree.” Based on a traditional poem, a trouble tree is a tree, a bush, or any other object located just outside the front door upon which people “hang” their work troubles before entering the house. Pause a moment to picture this before you walk through the door. Not only does this help avoid bringing stresses upon the family, but, as the parable goes, many of the troubles tend to get blown off the tree overnight.