What does God expect of a mother? Does the Bible disclose His will to her in relationship to her son?
Yes, God calls you to do six things as a mother:
1. Give so a child’s basic physical needs can be met.
2. Understand so a child is not provoked or exasperated.
3. Instruct so your child can know and apply God’s wisdom.
4. Discipline so your child can correct poor choices.
5. Encourage so your child can courageously develop God-given gifts.
6. Supplicate in prayer so your child can experience God’s touch and truth.
I put these in an acronym called G.U.I.D.E.S. When it comes to your son, you can be a mother who G.U.I.D.E.S. with respect. Each concept revolves around a foundational teaching in the Bible for moms and dads. I based my book Love & Respect in the Family on what Scripture reveals to parents about parenting, not just random texts that might fit. I’ve taken the same approach with this book.
G.U.I.D.E.S. serves as a template to enable a mother to apply respect with wisdom and impact. This checklist excites me because it supplies her with the means to quickly and successfully assess her approach over the ages and stages in the life of her son (and daughter). It awakens her to the immediate opportunity to use Respect-Talk, whereas before she might innocently fail to spot vulnerable moments.
Please use this in the same way you might review information when your son falls ill. Mothers learn to review a list of the symptoms to determine what might be behind an ailment. Though mothers consult with a doctor when they cannot bring healing, most mothers do quite well at restoring their kids back to health.
G.U.I.D.E.S. reflects the heart of Abba Father, and it helps a mom determine the symptoms so she may get at the root issue quickly. What I found fascinating as I reviewed this biblical teaching to parents on parenting is that it captures the major dimensions of every child.
1. Giving the physical
• Is your son negatively reacting due to a physical need, such as feeling hungry?
2. Understanding the emotional
• Is he having an emotional meltdown because he feels exasperated and is losing heart and needs your understanding?
3. Instructing the mental
• Is he feeling stupid because you forgot to instruct him on what to do?
4. Disciplining the volitional
• Is he unruly and exerting his will against your will, which demands discipline so he can learn self-discipline?
5. Encouraging the social
• Is he feeling rejected by friends on the soccer team and wants to quit, and you need to encourage him to stay committed through this tough time?
6. Supplicating the spiritual
• Is he in need of seeing you genuinely pray for him as he struggles emotionally and socially?
If you follow G.U.I.D.E.S., you can be assured that you will quickly discern what ails your precious son. As you enact these principles, you will touch the heart of God and the heart of your boy.
On the next several pages I will explain the scriptures behind each concept. Understand that this is just an overview. I will apply each one later in greater depth.
So what is the biblical teaching behind G.U.I.D.E.S.?
G for Giving
Give so a child’s basic physical needs can be met.
What mother can neglect the physical needs of her son? If anything is nearly impossible, it is a mother’s refusal to meet her son’s need for food, clothing, and shelter. Isaiah 49:15 says, “Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb?” The answer is no. Even so, Isaiah makes the point that such a mother could forget her child: “Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.” The rule is she would not forget, but there are exceptions to all rules. There are anomalies. Though not impossible for her to forget her child, it is nearly so, which is why Isaiah’s deeper point about God’s constant love for us penetrates our hearts more profoundly. His love never, ever fails.
So what is the rule about mothers? A mother has compassion on her child. She cannot forget meeting the needs of her nursing child. Next to impossible. What better picture of love is there than that of “a nursing mother [who] tenderly cares for her own children” (1 Thess. 2:7)? None.
Notice that Jesus assumes that a father will meet the physical needs of his child. The father represents both parents in Matthew 7:9–11:
Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!
When your son asks you for breakfast or a snack because he is “starving,” you feel compelled and compassionate to respond. Nurturing and nourishing is in your nature. Other than the pleasant breakfast in bed for mom on Mother’s Day, you do not expect your son to feed you. Mom takes care of her son, not vice versa. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:14: “For children are not responsible to save up for their parents, but parents for their children.”
Having said that, neglect is not absolutely impossible, as Isaiah 49:15 stated. Mothers do walk out on their families. For this reason we read Paul’s warning against a refusal to provide for one’s family. First Timothy 5: 8 states, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Rarely does any mom remotely come close to such neglect.
But here is a key question: “While meeting his physical needs, can she neglect his need for respect? Can a mom, though taking care of her boy because her love compels her, attitudinally convey disrespect while feeding, clothing, and bathing him?” Can she forget his deepest need?
Alas, yes. She can call him to breakfast, saying, “Your eggs, bacon, toast, and hash browns are ready, plus freshly squeezed orange juice. What? Who dressed you? A street person has more sense about what to wear than you do. Going to school looking like that would humiliate me. What would people think of me as your mother? If I were not here, I cannot imagine the horrible choices you’d make!” She loves him by feeding him. She disrespects him as she criticizes him. If not careful, she can speak out of both sides of her mouth: “I love you. I do not respect you.”
U for Understanding
Understand so a child is not provoked or exasperated.
Mothers naturally nurture and empathize. Mothers actively listen and seek to understand. However, moms grow weary in doing good. Frankly, there are days when she does not want to be understanding but wishes he and everyone else understood her. Wiped out from a “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day,” she feels disrespected and has no interest in showing respect to a disrespectful boy. Her anger provokes his anger. Her exasperation exasperates him. Feeling misunderstood, she misunderstands. Though afterward she appeases him by trying to compensate, she finds herself in a pattern of provocation then reconciliation. But she wonders if she is closing off his heart to her.
We find in Ephesians 6:4 this admonition: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger.” Why would a dad (or mom) provoke a son to anger? A dad’s anger evokes anger.
We read in 1 Samuel 20:30 about King Saul, the father of Jonathan: “Then Saul’s anger burned against Jonathan and he said to him, ‘You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do I not know that you are choosing the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness?’ ”
How did Jonathan respond to Saul’s anger? We read in verse 34: “Then Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger . . . because his father had dishonored him.” This is seen by many to mean that Jonathan had been humiliated by his own father. A dad’s over-the-line anger that dishonors and humiliates the child, provokes the child to anger. It riles the child. Saul should have understood and empathized with the heart of his son, but Saul’s vexation and disrespect provoked Jonathan to fierce anger.
A contentious mother can ignite the same in her son. Many women have read the following scriptures:
• Proverbs 21:19: “It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman.”
• Proverbs 25:24: “It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”
• Proverbs 21:9: “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.”
The above is not a mistake. The warning against living with a contentious woman appears two different places in Proverbs 21.
A vexed mother vexes her son. A contentious mom provokes arguments. Like Jonathan, in those moments, a son feels misunderstood and disrespected. He feels dishonored and humiliated. Not every angry son can rightly claim his mother does not empathize and honor him. Boys manipulate and guilt-trip a mother. However, a habitually vexing and contentious mother must acknowledge that this is more her problem than her son’s. As indignant as she feels and as much as she feels the need to contend with him about some matter, she must deliver her message respectfully and for the purpose of understanding his heart.
Some sons are not angry but exasperated to the point they lack confidence to move forward. We read in Colossians 3:21, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” Irritated by a faultfinding parent, he gives up. He deflates in defeat. “What’s the use? Mom and dad will never be happy with me. I cannot please them. I cannot be good enough.”
Instead of understanding the age limits of the child, the parent expects him to perform at a level he cannot reach. They expect the four-year-old to swing a golf club when he dreams of butterflies. They expect him to do what he may not have the hand-eye coordination to do. This isn’t about his unwillingness to swing a club but his inability at this stage of development. He throws himself down on the ground in exasperation and loss of heart due to an undeveloped little body. Even mom and dad shank the ball but expect him to be the prodigy.
We must understand the age and stage of a boy. I love 1 Corinthians 13:11: “When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” Kids will be kids. God designed little people to be un-adult. A mother must understand her son’s childishness. He will talk to her in immature ways, think without wisdom, and reason with her in ways that are not reasonable. But she is the adult whom God calls to be the understanding one and to be respectful to this little person. He was created in God’s image and designed to be the way he is at this stage. She must not take all of this so personally. Yes, he sins and needs correction. But much of his behavior is childish irresponsibility. Mom is wired too tight and expects too much from him and too little of herself. Every mother must take this challenge: “A woman’s family is held together by her wisdom, but it can be destroyed by her foolishness” (Prov. 14:1 CEV).
I can say this with certainty: when fear controls a mother, she seeks to control. In controlling her son from that which could harm him physically or hurt her emotionally, she feels less fear. Control reduces her anxiety and insecurity. Control, then, is a good thing in her way of thinking. But something unhealthy happens on the way to his manhood as she exercises her motherhood. For some mothers, domination enables her to control. This is why vexation and contention become part and parcel of her personality. She seeks to “protect” her son. She seeks to “help” him. His compliance is for the greater good of the two of them.
But it is here a boy loses heart. He turns passive. He loses confidence in himself, in his maleness. She does not see him as the conqueror, protector, provider, authority, strong one, problem-solver, or friend-maker. She pushes back against many of these qualities, even suppressing them. He loses touch with who he is and should be. He lacks self-understanding in the face of a mother who refuses to understand the desires God embedded in her son. He evolves into a soft male. But that’s okay to her as long as she can minimize her fears. Of course, other boys, the alpha types, erupt in rebellion at such a mother. They do not deflate in defeat but fight to the end. The soft male, though, loses his way in life.
I for Instructing
Instruct so your child can know and apply God’s wisdom.
We read the refrain in Proverbs 1:8 and 6:20: “Do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” God expects mothers to instruct their sons. Nevertheless, God does not expect a mother to lecture her son on being respectful while delivering her message with a spirit of contempt for him. She must be an instructor who possesses an attitude of respect in keeping with her dignity as a woman.
Did you know that Proverbs 31, which describes the noble wife and mother, was penned by King Lemuel? We read in 31:1, “The words of King Lemuel, the oracle which his mother taught him.” Lemuel could have been Solomon himself by another name or another king that Solomon quotes because of the effect Lemuel’s mother had on him. Regardless, the wisest man on the planet found himself profoundly inspired by this mother’s wisdom! Her instruction was passed on to billions of people. The teaching of a mother matters.
We read in Ephesians 6:4 about kids: “Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Beyond the three Rs of education, reading, ’riting, and ’rithmetic, parents are to coach their kids in the ways and words of Jesus—the instruction of the Lord. Timothy was the recipient of this kind of instruction. Paul stated in 2 Timothy 3:15 –16:
From childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness.
Timothy’s mother and grandmother made sure he received this kind of instruction since his Greek father did not have this worldview (Acts 16:1). All Jews lived under this call: “You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up” (Deut. 6:7).
Though all of us feel inadequate to represent God’s truth on any given day, bringing Jesus into your teaching moments is foundational. However, this needs to be honoring to your boy, not shaming. Some mothers inadvertently use Jesus to hammer their sons. Whatever it takes to get him to do what she wants is fair game. That’s a colossal misstep. She needs to convey a positive message.
For instance, during a moment when her son doubts God’s being there or that He cares or has the power to act, she can say,
“I share with you that Jesus loves you and is for you because He taught that He loved us and came to serve and to die for us. I know you feel that God is against you right now or is ignoring you. You see no miracles. I have felt the same way. This is a good struggle. I wish I could make this doubt go away, but this is part of the struggle that an honorable man must go through.
“Because I believe in you and am excited about your future, I want to challenge you to trust in God’s love for you though He seems far away. Some of the more godly followers of Jesus have gone through what they call the dark night of the soul. Even Jesus on the cross cried out, ‘My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?’ [Mark 15:34 KJV]. But I am confident you have the strength as a man to get through this disappointment. Thanks for sharing your doubts. You honor me.”
This is instruction with Respect-Talk. In this instance mom acts on verse 22 of Jude: “Be merciful to those who doubt” (NIV).
D for Disciplining
Discipline so your child can correct poor choices.
Proverbs 29:15 declares, “A child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.” How true! You have observed this with other mothers and their sons. For you, it will be different. You will not spoil your boy. You will not subject him to the indulgence that can ruin him or yourself to the shame he brings to you. However, for some moms, the technique used to ensure a boy’s obedience is disrespect. She gets him to do what he is supposed to do by dishonoring him. For many mothers, it works, but it works because the pain is so great to him that he obeys in order to stop her words of contempt. She can be compared to the dad who uses hostility and unloving looks to get his daughter to obey. She obeys to stop the pain she feels from his unloving words.
Some moms conclude that her disrespect and outburst of anger cause the boy to obey. But a son responds not to the disrespect and anger per se but to what he thinks is about to come next: her action. Unfortunately, some moms think the disrespect makes him behave, but it is the fear that she is about to “kill” him that causes him to obey.
See the difference? It is her potential action, not her disrespect and anger that drives his action. He is uncertain about what will follow her contempt, which motivates him to pick up his toys and make his bed or quit bouncing on the couch or start studying or hand over the car keys. How sad that a mom fools herself into thinking that she needs to use disrespect sooner and more often with great anger to get her boy to do what she expects. But ill temper and contempt never cause heartfelt affection, connection, or transformation. Respectful confrontation with clear and fair consequences motivates a son to behave over the marathon of a mother’s parenting.
The Bible says in Ephesians 6:4, “Bring them up in the discipline . . . of the Lord.” As the Lord disciplines, so must a mother. Jesus does not dishonor those He disciplines with an outburst of anger. He loves those He disciplines (Heb. 12: 6), and according to the Bible’s love chapter, “[love] does not dishonor others . . . it is not easily angered” (1 Cor. 13:5 NIV). How much clearer can it be? Such dishonor and angry disgust is unloving.
Discipline entails a subjective element. None of us discipline perfectly. Only God disciplines perfectly. As parents, we must let Hebrews 12:10 comfort and guide us. About parents it says, “They disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them.” I savor this verse and the phrase “seemed best to them.” This reveals the subjective aspect of discipline. A mother moves forward based on what seems the best discipline for the situation with her son. Though she will second-guess herself, she must not be overly bothered by the thought, I have no absolute certainty here. She must move forward doing what seems best.
It is highly unlikely you are wrong if you respectfully confront and correct your son and enact consequences. I discuss this in more depth in chapter 7, “Authority: Respecting His Desire to Be Strong and to Lead and Make Decisions.” When it comes to Respect-Talk and discipline, the key is to say,
“I discipline you because I love you. In fact, I discipline you because I believe in you and the man you are becoming. Truth is, I discipline you as a way of honoring you. This discipline helps you become more self-disciplined, and eventually my discipline will end. You will be a disciplined, honorable man. I am not disciplining you because I want to punish you. I discipline you to put you back on the path that men of honor walk.”
When disciplining, will Respect-Talk always work? No. Throughout the Old Testament the sad truth is demonstrated, and twice the New Testament states that children will be “disobedient to parents” (Rom. 1:30; 2 Tim. 3:2).
A father and mother can discipline a child with respect and love, but the child, as a moral and spiritual being granted freedom by God, can choose to disobey. Even when a mother can control her preschooler, she can only control external behaviors. Though a mother demands her son to say, “Thank you,” she cannot coerce him into possessing a grateful heart. Though she takes him to church and demands that he sing, she cannot force him to be a true worshipper from his soul. Though she prohibits him from driving the car for a month due to his recklessness, she cannot create in him a genuinely submissive heart in the face of discipline. Though she commands him to memorize the golden rule (Luke 6:31), she cannot engineer within him a teachable spirit.
A parent cannot control these internal and ultimate outcomes within the child. The child himself is the one who must finally choose a parent’s faith and values. The parent, for example, cannot order the child to believe in Jesus. All that mom can do, particularly as the child ages, is control her actions and reactions to her child. That means she seeks to create a loving and respectful environment that best motivates her son to choose her faith and values.
I once wrote an article titled “Why Biblical Parenting Has Nothing to Do with the Kids,” which was picked up by a national news network. I make the point that the father of the prodigal has two sons. As you recall, the prodigal is the secondborn who demands his inheritance, leaves home, and squanders his newfound wealth on sensual, indulgent living. The firstborn remains at home but displays a self-righteous, angry, and judgmental spirit, especially when the secondborn comes to his senses and humbly returns home to confess his wrongdoing. The firstborn wants nothing to do with his hedonistic-turned-humble brother.
My question is this: Would we invite this dad to our church for a two-day parenting conference to lecture us on parenting? No. Yet Jesus prizes this father as the replica of Abba, Father.
In other words, is God a bad heavenly Father because you and I disobey? No. Neither is the father of the prodigal a bad dad. He actually parented as God. He parented God’s way even though his son wanted nothing to do with him for years. This dad demonstrated love and compassion, as the text says, and when he put a robe and ring on the son, he showed honor and respect. He possesses love and respect in his sons apart from their disobedience.
Jesus Christ intends to reward you as a mother for your love and respect toward your son, regardless of your son’s disregard of you at seasons. As you Give, Understand, Instruct, Discipline, Encourage, and Supplicate, you touch the heart of Christ. Actually, your son affords you the opportunity to show your obedience to God in the face of your son’s disobedience. Even if your son chooses disobedience, you have done what seems best and, in fact, may have done what was best in the eyes of God.
E for Encouraging
Encourage so your child can courageously develop God-given gifts.
The apostle Paul provided us a clear picture of how a father ought to approach his children. He reminded the Thessalonians that he had been “exhorting and encouraging and imploring each one of you as a father would his own children, so that you would walk in a manner worthy of the God who calls you into His own kingdom and glory” (1 Thess. 2:11–12). As a father figure, he encourages, implores, and even exhorts to invigorate this local group of believers to follow God’s call.
Should not every father do this toward a child? Should not every mother do this toward her son? As Paul believed in God’s call on their lives, so a mother must believe in God’s design and purpose for her son. For example, God wired her son with gifts and desires to work and achieve, to protect and provide, to be strong and make decisions, to analyze and counsel, to stand side by side with a friend, and to understand human sexuality. With wisdom, a mother can encourage her son in each of these areas.
This is important since boys, like every human being, will lose courage and confidence at times. We read in Colossians 3:21, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” When mom observes her son is losing heart around dad or from life in general, she needs to pray for wisdom to speak words that precipitate grit and valor. She can share,
“I know you feel discouraged and want to quit. But I see you as a man of honor who does not quit. I know right now your heart isn’t in this, but let’s give it some time. Just as you need to recharge batteries, you need some time to recharge your heart’s batteries. I believe you have what it takes to move forward. I respect you.”
If your son is growing in his faith, you might let him know what the warrior King David said to his son in 1 Chronicles 28:20: “Then David said to his son Solomon, ‘Be strong and courageous, and act; do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you nor forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished.’ ”
Though this historical setting is unique, as it pertains to the building of the temple, and though a mother cannot falsely promise God will do with her son whatever it is he longs to happen, in principle she can say,
“I do not know what God’s ultimate will is for you. However, I know He has given you the strength and courage to take the next step. I know you are a man of honor who will do the right thing, no matter the consequences to you.”
On the negative side of encouragement, a mother must guard against encouraging her son to help her achieve her selfish ends. We read in 2 Chronicles 22:3 about a mother who “encouraged her son to sin against the LORD” (CEV).
Regrettably, a mom can counsel her son to do boldly what he ought not to do. One would think no mother would do this, but it happens. Some moms can spur a son on to act contrary to the honorable man he knows that he ought to be. Rebekah said to her son Jacob, in her plot to trick Isaac into blessing Jacob instead of his brother, Esau, “Your curse be on me, my son; only obey my voice” (Gen. 27:13). She emboldened him to act courageously to achieve what should have been entrusted to God. The words of Jesus ought to sober us: “He who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me” (Matt. 10:37). “Anyone who comes to me but refuses to let go of . . . children . . . can’t be my disciple” (Luke 14:26 THE MESSAGE).
A mother can encourage her son to do that which she selfishly wants above what the Lord purely desires for her son. I recall a young man responding to an invitation from the pulpit to follow Christ to the mission field. That week his mother undermined his willingness to obey God. In fear, she put her foot down against the idea of foreign missions and redirected him with every incentive she could offer. She succeeded.
S for Supplicating
Supplicate in prayer so your child can experience God’s touch and truth.
When it comes to prayer, women pray. In every church I’ve ever known, the prayer chain links woman to woman. Something in godly women connects them in their dependency on Jesus. They find motivation and peace in casting their cares on Him who cares for them.
These mothers know that parents continually brought their offspring to Jesus to be prayed over. We read in Matthew 19:13, “Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray.” Mothers believe the Lord is the source of power and love for the deepest needs of the heart.
When parents are desperate they come to Christ. John 4:47 states, “When [a royal official] heard that Jesus had come out of Judea into Galilee, he went to Him and was imploring Him to come down and heal his son; for he was at the point of death.” When nothing else works, most pray.
Even the mighty King David felt helpless in the face of his child’s illness. Second Samuel 12:16 reveals, “David therefore inquired of God for the child; and David fasted and went and lay all night on the ground.” But beyond his despair over his impotency, King David knew God calls every believer to ask in prayer. Thus he prays on behalf of his son, who is about to embark on a most significant venture: “Give to my son Solomon a perfect heart to keep Your commandments, Your testimonies and Your statutes, and to do them all” (1 Chron. 29:19).
James says that we have not because we ask not (James 4:2). Certainly King David determined never to be remiss about asking. If you are praying with your son, do not shame and dishonor him in prayer, saying, “Dear God, you know how bad Johnny has been. Please help him change. Please help him be a good boy.”
That is mothering, not praying. That is using God to make your point to your son. A boy will see through that soon enough, or worse, he will feel that God intends to hammer him since by implication mom is tattling on him and God won’t like him.
On the other hand, what a great thing to demonstrate respect to your son by saying,
“Son, I am praying for you. I am excited about all that God has for you and how God has put many nobles desires in you. I thank God for your desire to work and achieve, to protect and provide, to be strong and make good decisions, to analyze and solve, to be a shoulder-to-shoulder friend, and to understand and treat girls as a man of honor. I really respect you. There is a verse that I pray for you. ‘To this end also we pray for you always, that our God will . . . fulfill every desire for goodness’ ” (2 Thess. 1:11).
Simply stated, G.U.I.D.E.S. is your road map for Respect-Talk. You are essentially telling your son, “I seek to Give, Understand, Instruct, Discipline, Encourage, and Supplicate because I respect you.” At first, this might sound strange since as a mother you want to say, “because I love you.” The phrase “I respect you” feels counterintuitive. The respect language seems stilted. It seems contrived, labored, and awkward. But as a mom acts on this information, she energizes the spirit of her boy, and her boy must be the aim here. There are two sides to the coin. Her desire to love is on one side, but his need for respect is on the other.
To bring this need for respect home to you, let’s think of the book The Five Love Languages. Nearly everyone has heard of this classic and life-changing book. When its author, Gary Chapman, interviewed me on his radio program (we had held the Love and Respect Conference at his church earlier), I said that we need to look beyond the five love languages to what I call the Five Respect Languages because it is the language men naturally speak. I shared that males respond to the respect side of the equation. We had a delightful radio interview.
Along with me, Gary believes Ephesians 5:33 is where God commands a husband to love and a wife to respect. As you recall, Gary practically and powerfully discusses: words of affirmation, quality time, meaningful touch, gift giving, and acts of service. I shared with Gary and his radio audience that when we add the Respect dimension to each, a whole new world opens up toward men. The good news is that we need only ask: “How can I apply this to the men and boys in my life in order to create the Respect Effect?”
The following helps every mother apply the five love languages, with which she is familiar, in a quick, new, and powerful way. For some a lightbulb comes on with this simple creation of the Five Respect Languages.
For words of affirmation, say, “I respect you” instead of always saying, “I love you.” Simple enough.
For quality time, instead of spending this time talking face-to-face about feelings, do shoulder-to-shoulder activities with a son, or even just sit and watch him play catch with his brother. Mothers find it hard to imagine that this energizes the boy to respond affectionately to his mother. But I tell moms to do this and observe what happens in the spirit of the boy toward her. I remind her that quality time is what a boy feels is quality time.
Is there a meaningful touch that feels respectful to a boy? Yes. Place a hand on your son’s shoulder when you say, “I am proud of you.” That touch differs from the hugs and kisses most girls request. With Joy, my daughter, during her preschool years, almost every day I inquired, “Have you been to the Kiss Factory today?” She loved that question. When I asked the boys, Jonathan and David, they looked at me like I was from another planet. I stopped asking them.
As for gift giving, I have voiced that a woman can buy a man anything in leather, and he will love it. The same holds true for a boy. A leather glove. A leather strap on his watch. A neat leather belt. Attach a card to it that says, “I give this gift to you just because I wanted to give it to you but also because I love you and respect the honorable man you are becoming.”
Apart from gifting leather, moms can figure out respectful gifts with a little thought. For example, giving a thirteen-year-old a sword to hang on his bedroom wall as a sign of him moving from boyhood into manhood differs by a million light-years from gifting new clothes to him. Sadly, many moms envision the sword as a symbol of violence rather than honor, so she gives what she likes.
Concerning acts of service, when a mother benefits her son by doing some kind deed for him, such as cleaning his bike, she needs to frame this under the umbrella of Respect-Talk. When he says, “Thanks,” let mom reply, “I am proud that you have learned to ride your bike so well. I knew this would help you out.” Refrain from saying, “I did this because I love you.” Though the latter is true, love is about her side of the coin. Connect the act of service with respect. When she uses the respect word, this energizes most boys far more than mothers imagine.
See how the Five Respect Languages work? I encourage moms to let their brains go to work on these five elements. Again, I am not requesting the cessation of “I love you.” You will not and must not stop “I love you.” But take what you know about the five love languages and open your mind and heart to a whole new way of communicating via the Five Respect Languages. Add to your verbal repository.
But I have more to offer. From a biblical perspective, beyond a practical psychological approach, I wish to go deeper in helping you use G.U.I.D.E.S. to convey respect to your son. I will devote a whole chapter to each concept. I do this because, even with the usefulness of my Five Respect Languages, there is nothing in these five that addresses God’s command to pray, discipline, and instruct our sons. Again, G.U.I.D.E.S. covers the major dimensions: physical, emotional, mental, volitional, social, and spiritual.
Here Is How to Apply Respect-Talk After You Apply G.U.I.D.E.S.
Much of the following would be in your own words, of course, but the spirit of the message is the same.
After you Give: “Do you know why I love giving to you as I do, whether it is making your breakfast or washing your clothes? I enjoy meeting your needs, but also I respect the man you are becoming, and each day I give to you helps you become that man more and more.”
After you try to Understand: “Do you know why I sought to understand your heart when you expressed your anger? I felt bad for you. But also because I respect who you want to be, and this tough moment is testing your resolve to respond as a man of honor.”
After you Instruct: “Do you know why I instructed you? I want to add to the wisdom I see increasing in your mind. I respect the man God calls you to be. I am not trying to lecture you but to serve you with information that helps you.”
After you Discipline: “Do you know why I disciplined you when you misstepped? I respect the self-disciplined man you are becoming, and I needed to give you a boost to act as that honorable man I know you want to be.”
After you Encourage: “Do you know why I encouraged you? I respect your abilities to do what you should do even though you feel discouraged. I believe in you and intend to cheer you on. At the same time, I respect that this is a decision you must make for yourself to have courage.”
After you Supplicate: “Do you know why I prayed for you? I respect the man God created you to be, and I love to pray for His favor to come to you. I don’t know if God will respond to what I ask since He knows what is best. But I know He listens to me when I talk to Him about you. He loves you beyond words.”
What if your son pushes back, telling you in one way or another that he doesn’t want any of these comments or actions? What if he mocks you? He is probably upset about something unrelated to you and takes it out on you. Most moms are safe, more so than even dad. Sadly, your boy bites the hand that feeds him. He has taken aim at you but knows you are not his enemy. Even so, this is unfair to you.
Dr. Howard Hendricks once said that at age thirteen we should bury our kids and dig them back up at age eighteen. By the way, do you know why Abraham was commanded to put twelve-year-old Isaac on the altar? At age thirteen it would have been no sacrifice!
Humor aside, counter your son’s disrespectful reaction with proactive Respect-Talk. Men and boys possess an honor code. It is not honorable to dis someone who seeks to genuinely honor them. The male temperament eventually pulls back from the bad attitude and softens. As a mother, stay the course with Respect-Talk.
Below is a brief paragraph on each concept that shows how a mom can move forward in the face of her son’s pushback. This language works best for school-age boys, but preschool sons can grasp some of this quite well.
When he resists your giving:
“I need to give to you and want to give to you. You’re becoming a man of honor who needs resources. I give these things because I believe in you and in the honorable man you are becoming. If I give too little, I will not be respecting you but depriving you of basic needs. See me as your admiring investor.”
When he resists your understanding:
“I need to understand and empathize. You’re becoming a man of honor who needs someone to bounce his thoughts off of. Because I respect you, I welcome hearing your heart. You honor me by letting me honor you. Do know I am always ready to listen when you feel angry or at a loss to know what to do. But here’s the deal. Don’t feel pressure to talk. That’s your choice. Just see me as your ‘hearing aid.’ ”
When he resists your instruction:
“I need to instruct you. You’re becoming a man of honor who needs to learn, especially from my mistakes and experiences. If I withhold necessary information, I would not be respecting you but limiting your ability to weigh all the factors. See me as your informant, a hipster tipster.”
When he resists your discipline:
“I need to discipline you. You’re becoming a man of honor who needs coaching, like the PGA player has a personal coach who confronts and corrects. This discipline is about your improving and excelling. This is not about punishment. I would not be respecting you if I did not enact consequences to help you win at life. See me as your coach.”
When he resists your encouragement:
“I need to encourage you. I believe in your gifts and courage. I would not be respecting you if I did not voice my confidence in you to be brave and to use your talents. See me as your cheerleader.”
When he resists your supplication:
“I need to pray for you. Did you know the strong and brave apostle Paul needed prayer? My prayers are based on my belief in you. I do not pray because you are bad but because I believe in the talents God has entrusted to you. I would not be respecting you if I did not ask for God’s best for you. See me as a friend of the King, asking daily for His favor in your life.”
Limit Respect-Talk
“But, Emerson, can I overdo G.U.I.D.E.S.? I mean, shouldn’t I do less at times?” Yes.
There are moments when you must limit this approach. Here’s how to use Respect-Talk with boundaries on G.U.I.D.E.S.
When you should give less:
“I need to give to you but not too much. You are becoming a man of honor who must not get everything he wants. If I give you too much, I would not be respecting you but spoiling you. Honorable men learn how to delay their gratification. I know that’s tough to hear, but you are tough.”
When you should be less of a bleeding heart:
“I need to empathize and understand but not too much. You’re becoming a man of honor who must control his emotions, not expecting me to always agree with those emotions. If I feel too sorry for you, I would not be respecting you but letting you feel too sorry for yourself. I must not celebrate your pity party. Your anger and defeatist attitude can be excessive, and I must not rob you of the opportunity to be a man and stand strong.”
When you should instruct less:
“I need to instruct you but not too much. You’re becoming a man of honor who must learn on his own. If I provide you with all the answers, I would not be respecting you but letting you cheat. Wise and honorable men will tell you that they learned some of their best lessons sitting alone in the school of hard knocks. I believe you have what it takes to find the answers, as tough as this feels right now.”
When you should discipline less:
“I need to discipline you but not too much. You’re becoming a man of honor who must be self-disciplined. If I always discipline you, I would not be respecting you. I must not try to control you 24/7 but appeal to you as a man of honor to control yourself. This is not about my catching you in some misbehavior and disciplining you but about your doing what is right when no one is watching. This is a decision an honorable man must make for himself; a mother cannot discipline a son into that decision of the heart.”
When you should encourage less:
“I need to encourage you but not too much. You’re becoming a man of honor who must be brave and courageous on your own. I must not always be your cheerleader—which I love being—otherwise, I become too responsible for inspiring you to be confident and courageous. I would not be respecting you if I always create a cheer to make you brave. There are moments when you must be brave on your own. You must take courage on your own. You must stand alone.”
When you should supplicate less:
“I need to pray for you, but you need to pray for yourself. You’re becoming a man of honor who must pray. You must hear from God like Jesus did. If I alone pray for you, I’d not be respecting you but trying to be the one who hears from God on your behalf. As a soldier of Christ, you too must pray and trust. I will not prevent you from experiencing the power of God on your own.”
The Checklist
Run through G.U.I.D.E.S. as a checklist in your mind. Use the language from the above scripts to energize your son and motivate him to better understand your motives and to connect with you.
Don’t allow yourself to feel uncomfortable with the language of honor and respect. Think of it as a recipe book with six ways to serve chicken. Would you say, “Wow! They keep repeating the word chicken in every recipe”? Exactly! They are recipes for chicken. This book is a recipe for Respect-Talk. It must be part of every verbal meal you give to your son. You’d be thunderstruck at a father who said, “That book on fathers and daughters keeps telling me to express my love to my daughter. That’s too repetitious.” When you get to the point where the word respect is as free-flowing for you as the word love, you will be that much closer to the center of your young man’s soul.