Respecting His Desire to Analyze, Solve, and Counsel
What Is the Issue Related to a Boy’s Insight?
I love this mother’s shrewdness about soliciting her sons’ insights, counsel, and solutions:
When my sons were teens, they loved being asked their opinions—especially when I listened to them and affirmed their insights about things, like:
“What do you think about what the pastor had to say today?”
“I need a new cell phone. Would you have time to do some research and then make some recommendations?”
“I can’t decide which of these vacation pictures to keep. Would you help me?”
“I’d like some new music for my MP3 player. Can you recommend something you think I would like?”
“Did you read the article in the paper about the new bridge? What do you think about the city’s plan?”
I see another mother’s astuteness when she asks for her son’s advice on how she should paint. “While painting a wall in the den, our eleven-year-old told me how to get smooth brushstrokes using a special technique. Well, since I’ve been painting for years, this was not news to me, but again this was an opportunity for me to respect his input and thank him for his help.”
A boy desires to offer his insight. Insight refers to his inclination (not always his ability) to analyze, solve, and counsel. When was the last time you honored your son’s insights? I ask this because sometimes when a boy offers his insight, he does so in a pushy manner and thereby does not receive an open-armed reception to his ideas. He may be rejected and disrespected for his input. The tension that swirls around the conversation causes a frustrated mom to miss an opportunity to use Respect-Talk. Because she feels compelled to correct him for how he spoke, she puts on the back burner the answers he put forward. She brushes aside his analysis. A mom ends up obsessing over the poor interpersonal traits she sees in her son while failing to notice the positive perspective he advances.
His Solution-Orientation
A mom wrote to me about an incident that occurred just after she had attended a Love and Respect Conference. Her daughter, age ten, and son, age twelve, had gotten into an argument in the car after the son, with a helpful demeanor, attempted to answer a question the daughter had directed at her mother. The daughter flat out rejected his offer. She blurted out, “I asked mom!” The mother commented, “I had never noticed such disrespect coming from my daughter.” The boy, huffy at not being heard, shut down and moved to the back of the van. The mother wrote that, normally, she would have told her son to get himself together, but that this time she gave him a few minutes of silence and then asked her daughter to apologize for snapping at her brother. A few minutes later the mom asked him if he could answer his sister’s question, and he happily did so.
This kind of episode can be tough for a mom. Sometimes when a boy offers his insights to a family member, such as a younger sister, tempers flare because no one has asked for his commentary. Mom centers her attention on how the boy acts rather than on what the boy says. The boy feels hurt, frustrated, and angry when his ideas meet with disrespect, and the mother pays more attention to his reaction than to what triggered his reaction.
However, if mom can keep in mind that boys lean toward the analytical side and help by offering answers, it makes it easier for her to better understand her son. It helps her see why he speaks the way he does—because he is solution-oriented. It aids her in discerning why he negatively reacts when his helpfulness is not valued.
Not Wrong, Just Different
Women are more empathy-oriented than their husbands and sons. A woman may empathize with a sad person who has a problem in order to ease the sadness. Her son and husband, on the other hand, try to solve the sad person’s problem in order to ease the sadness. The virtue in all of this is that he thinks about remedies when it comes to the concerns of other people.
My friend Shaunti Feldhahn reported to me personally that though wives yearn for emotional support during hurtful situations, her research shows that 80 percent of them readily acknowledged that the advice their husbands offered was good. Men have good solutions. I share with women, “Why not say at that moment, ‘That’s a great insight and a solution, but right now, I just need a listening ear. I will feel better after I share what burdens me. In many cases I know what I should do.’ ” Unfortunately, some wives yell, “Quit trying to fix me!”
Your son will offer advice to others in the same fashion. He seeks to help. At such a moment, thank him and then share respectfully, “Right now, your sister just needs a listening ear.” No need to show contempt. He is doing what God designed boys to do.
Are Boys Always Sensible?
In effect, mothers have said to me,
Emerson, I just want my boy to think! He needs to think smarter about his tasks, think wiser about his choices, think kinder about people, and think cleaner about jokes. He needs to think before talking, before jumping, before throwing the ball at the ceiling fan, before coming down to breakfast with a plaid shirt and plaid pants on, before putting play dough in the microwave, before using a garbage bag as a parachute, before speeding the car down the neighborhood street, before listening to his friends dare him to drink . . .
I concur. The Bible states in Proverbs 7:7, “I saw among the naive, and discerned among the youths a young man lacking sense.” For this reason, a mom must act on Titus 2: 6, which says, “Urge the young men to be sensible.” Young men are not always sensible. A mom needs to implore her boy to be practical, realistic, reasonable, logical, balanced, levelheaded, thoughtful, and wise.
From the folklore of the word sophomore, many see a compound word that means “wise fool.” A boy goes in a nanosecond from wise to brain-dead. The sophy part means “wise,” from which we get sophisticated. Others contend that moros means “stupid,” or “foolish,” the root for the word moron.1 This captures the sixteen-year-old. On Monday a sixteen-year-old boy demonstrates a sophisticated wisdom beyond his years, but on Tuesday he borders on moronic behavior that a five-year-old would not entertain. Boys frustrate us, as does the drama of a teen daughter.
Certainly mom must never respect foolishness. Proverbs 26:8 remarks, “Like one who binds a stone in a sling, so is he who gives honor to a fool.” And Proverbs 26:1: “Like snow in summer and like rain in harvest, so honor is not fitting for a fool.”
But mom must keep looking for the sophy amid the moros. Honoring him for sophy can limit his moros. When he is wise and insightful, she must verbally honor him. Proverbs 12:8 says, “A man will be praised according to his insight.” Mom needs to praise what she can.
Can Mom Overreact?
A boy’s foolishness can cause mom to become too negative. If she becomes too critical and complains about her son’s inadequacies, she can fail to see his good thinking. If she gives way to a contentious and vexed manner that feels disrespectful to him, she could shut him down and lose his heart.
A mom shared:
If my son does something that is not worthy of respect, I can quickly fall into this trap of disappointment and even the disdain that you talk about. It then gives me a feeling of, Oh, he might never change. Then I feel like a bad mom because I feel indirectly that his behavior is somehow my fault or reflects on me. . . . After this, I probably give off this attitude of disappointment, and I know only too well that my son can tell. The very hardest thing then is to see your son defeated and down. . . . As you have pointed out, we practice and look for ways to love, but maybe more importantly we should be looking for opportunities/ways to respect our sons.
Proverbs 21:19, which we quoted earlier, in chapter 3, says, “It is better to live in a desert land than with a contentious and vexing woman.” This verse refers to a woman in the home. Some restrict it to the wife, but it can include the mother. That God calls women to refrain from contention and vexing suggests that some women habitually take issue with what they see as wrong—that’s their bent. Instead of exercising a more disciplined quietness, refraining from negative and emotional comments, she moves aggressively to complain and criticize. The word vexing refers to how she makes others feel—annoyed, frustrated, and angry. The word contentious means given to arguing or provoking arguments. In the case of a mother and son, a mom can provoke her son to anger by blasting him as insensitive and uncaring when truthfully he attempted to be wise in his input.
A mom may feel he is insensitive in the way he treats his sister, but it does not mean he is uncaring. It also does not mean that he is wrong. Some moms severely judge the boy as uncaring when quite often he offers answers with solutions because he cares. He merely does not approach it in the way mom would approach it.
Controlling Negativity and Unfriendliness
Mothers readily confess the intense negativity that overcomes them within the home, particularly toward a boy. Mothers tell me that they are more upset over what their son does wrong than happy over what he does right. After all, he is supposed to do what is right, so why celebrate that? However, he is not supposed to do wrong, and that needs confronting—right now, and with sadness.
I invite every mother to consider her initial reactions to her son when he is wise and when he is foolish. Does she fixate more on her son’s missteps than on his good insights? Does she come at him negatively when he lacks sense but says very little positively when he makes perfect sense? Does she need to pull back from her gloom-and-doom attitude? Because a mother nurtures, she cares about her son’s mistakes. If not watchful about her care, she can focus on his shortfalls and overlook opportunities to show respect for his insight. Maybe this is why she needs older women to encourage her to be friendlier in the home (Titus 2:4). The Greek word for love in this scripture is phileo, not agape. In other words, like the city of brotherly love, Philadelphia, a mother needs to be more brotherly or friendly. Firm but friendly.
As a boy ages, a mother must not remain the helicopter mom she probably was when her son was younger. When he was a tot, she needed to hover over him and control him so he’d not run into a busy street. But as the boy ages, she must transition from controlling, to counseling, to casting off.
I received an e-mail from a helicopter mom of an older son. She continued to hover over him in fear, swooping in to try to change whatever she saw as substandard in him. She had her expectations of what she wanted her boy to look like and focused on what she’d like to change in him. Unfortunately, she ignored all the amazingly good things. Predictably, as she kept up her hovering, her boy spent less and less time at home when given the chance to stay away. Home reminded him of all the ways he was not measuring up in his mother’s eyes. Though the helicopter mom’s motives were good, they were counterproductive in getting the results she wanted—a happy, close family.
I had a female counselor evaluate a helicopter mom who had a seventeen-year-old and a nineteen-year-old. The situation was filled with incredible goodness, but mom didn’t see it. Both sons were dating strong Christian girls, but mom said one girlfriend was too quiet, and she worried that they didn’t spend much time socializing with others. The other son had chosen to work in the family business, was baptized, and had given his testimony publicly a few months earlier, but mom focused in on the fact that he didn’t go to college, was too transparent about his anxiety, and complained about his audacity to move out on his own at the age of nineteen.
What did this counselor recommend? “I would encourage her to make a list of all of their good qualities and decisions and thank the Lord each day for them. She needs to reframe these incidents as a compliment to how she (and her husband) raised them. Her son, who admits to being anxious, had the courage to move out to be on his own, despite his anxiety. (Could his mother’s own anxiety be affecting him? Perhaps he knew he needed to get out of that environment.) They are right on target, doing the things that are age-appropriate for them to do. Does she really want her sons to remain living at home as adults? Dependent on their parents?”
Okay, mom, let’s shift our sights to the positive, if you have not done so. Here are some suggestions on positive Respect-Talk. Ready?
Apply G.U.I.D.E.S. to His Insight
Give: Can I give something to help him analyze, solve, and counsel?
Younger Boy:
Invest in Dave Ramsey’s materials for kids on how to manage money well. Let him know that you respect his ability to think about money—how to save it, spend it, and share it.
Older Boy:
Buy the DVD gift set called The Graduate’s Survival Guide by Dave Ramsey, which prepares him for his experiences at college. Say,
“I respect how you analyze information and use your findings to solve problems. I want to give you these resources to broaden that ability along financial lines.”
Honoring your son by investing financially in those things that sharpen his thinking skills is well worth it. Our grandson Jackson, four years old, enjoys doing mazes, so Jonathan and Sarah purchase books with mazes. This develops his ability to navigate. He thinks in terms of beginning and end.
What a great thing for mom to think about using her resources to develop his problem-solving ability. A plethora of materials exist that shape the thinking skills and problem-solving abilities in a boy. Go on the internet and look for items based on the age of your boy. Purchasing these things can prove exciting and worthwhile.
Understand: Do I understand his struggle with analyzing, solving, or counseling?
Younger Boy:
When he gets his math problems wrong after much effort to solve them, do you tell him you understand and respect why he is angry and exasperated? Do you respond with,
“I respect your desire to analyze and solve the math problems. I respect your desire to do well and figure things out. I can only imagine how frustrating this is”?
Older Boy:
Do you understand his struggle in knowing what to say to his girlfriend who just lost her grandfather to cancer? Do you say,
“Sometimes there is nothing we can say, and the most loving and honorable thing to do is just listen and let them know you’ll be praying. You did that, and I respect this”?
Maybe the concept of understanding his insight means just listening. God calls women to exercise the discipline of quietness in a way that He does not call men (1 Tim. 2:11–12). We read in 1 Peter 3:4, “But let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” This is not a sexist comment but a word of caution to protect mom in the home from speaking too quickly, too much, or too one-sidedly. A mother’s impulsive love prompts her to speak to a situation that troubles her. That can be a good thing, but sometimes she speaks solely on what she sees as a woman rather than seeking to understand her son. Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him.”
Because a mother nurtures, she can make a mistake of mothering a son in such a way that when she corrects the son to be more insightful and loving, the son hears disrespect. A mother wrote, “He was voicing some prejudices against certain people groups. I responded by trying to show him a better way, a way of love, which I have now learned was a lack of respect toward him and his ideas. He shut me out for a long time.” Instead of impulsive love that corrects the boy, why not refrain from making statements and ask questions such as, “Tell me your observations on these folks. Why do you feel the way you do? How have they hurt and dishonored you?” When mom does express her concerns, she must ask herself, before she speaks, Is that which I am about to say going to be truthful, necessary, and/or respectful?
Seeking to understand his opinion does not mean you agree or change what you say or do. It just means that you acknowledge his right to have an opinion of his own. Say,
“I respect that you are seriously thinking about this problem and feel strongly about the remedy.”
Though the busyness of life distracts you, listen to your son’s opinions as best as you can. When you hear his thoughts, he feels esteemed. When you echo what he mouthed, many times he relaxes, especially if he was too intense about his opinion. Or perhaps he can even correct you if what you understood isn’t what he meant.
Instruct: Can I instruct him on how to analyze, solve, or counsel?
Younger Boy:
When he insensitively blurts out solutions to his sister who has asked you a question, respond with respect. Instruct him to ask his sister if she wants to hear his answer since she asked you, not him. At the same time make sure you acknowledge and honor his goodwilled efforts to help his sister.
Older Boy:
When his friends invite him over to their home on the weekend and you know their parents are gone, say to him,
“You and I both know this isn’t just a social time. It will entail enticements. As a man of honor, I cannot control you 24/7. At a certain level God calls me to trust and respect your choices. But a good rule of thumb is to decline those invitations and have the courage to take their mocking on the chin. Also, in these situations, I recommend coming up with a more enjoyable activity for yourself. What if I gave you some extra cash to take your brother to the baseball game this weekend?”
You can help your son see himself as a problem solver by asking questions. Why give your son the answer when you can give him the opportunity to figure it out? “What idea do you have? What do you think?” Affirm his thought process. Ask him for several ideas, not just one. Don’t put him down if he is wrong, but ask, “Why do you think that?” You can always ask, “Is there some place else that we can get more information on this?” You can help your son think ahead. “If we do such and such, what do you think will take place? Can you predict what might happen?”
A consultant to schoolteachers said to me, “When I talk to teachers who seem to be successful with boys they (1) expect a lot of the boys; (2) communicate the belief that the boy has it within him to figure it out.” He continued, “One of the things I have learned about problem solving with boys and girls (and probably men and women) is this: if you don’t address the feelings of the girl before offering a solution to a problem, your solution won’t have validity with her. If you don’t ask a boy for a solution before offering a solution, your solution won’t have validity. The reverse doesn’t seem to work (boy with feeling, girl with solution).”
What if he blurts out, “Mom, that’s wrong”? Will you receive his truthful insight or feel offended? What if he exclaims, “Mom, you need to chill out”? Will you take offense? Will you listen to him when he says, “Mom, you expect us to jump through too many hoops. You want everything and everyone to be perfect”? Will you receive his assessment as valid if it is valid?
Sarah tells of the time that Jonathan said, “Face it, mom. You wanted a perfect family and didn’t get it.” That spoke to her heart. She did not expect perfection but realized how she appeared to Jonathan. As tough as this is, as a mother models teachability, it returns a huge favor to her. She can appeal to her son to follow her example:
“Just as you pointed out things about me that I needed to face, as a man of honor do you have the inner toughness to hear about a few things I see you doing that do not represent the real you?”
Recognize that he can counsel everyone in the family but fail to heed his own counsel. That’s true for most of us. All of us know more than we do. It is a piece of cake to tell others we know what they ought to do. So a mom needs to give her son some grace when she finds herself miffed at his critical comments about others while conveniently looking past his gaffes.
Boys need instruction even though they claim to know everything. Mom must still instruct. She can say,
“I respect that you feel you know what to do. I respect that you want to do things on your own. That’s a good thing. But let me tell you a secret. No one knows everything. We are a team and need to listen to the suggestions we offer each other. In the long run, this makes us smarter, happier, and better.”
Discipline: Should I discipline him when he is too unteachable or foolish?
Younger Boy:
“I respect the desire God instilled in you to see our shortcomings as a family. Yes, your older sister had a meltdown that she should not have had, and I left the hamburgers unattended, and they burned to a crisp. I appreciate your critique. But need I remind you that you failed to do the dishes last night, you let the bathroom sink overflow, and you did not pick up your wet towels? As an honorable man, you need to learn a proverb: ‘he who lives in a glass house must not throw stones.’ I think it would be respectful of you to be more teachable before you offer us counsel. So tonight you will do the dishes even though it is your night off, and do not instruct me on how unfair I am, or I will find more for you to do.”
Older Boy:
“We all have moments of anger. Anger can be a good thing. I respect that you get angry over injustice and dishonor. But sometimes you get bent out of shape over not getting your way. This is not a matter of injustice or dishonor. That your basketball uniform had not been washed does not justify a senior in high school driving off foolishly and in a fit of rage. If you hit a child, you could be sitting in a jail cell for manslaughter. So you will lose a week of driving privileges, and this weekend you are grounded to do nothing but work. You are an honorable young man, but this was conduct unbecoming of the wisdom I see in you.”
When a boy is foolish and unteachable, mom’s tone and look must not be contemptuous. It is ineffective. A mother told me,
It was this suggestion to relate respect to our love for our sons that first turned my heart in this area. I was able to see how my little boys would hear contempt instead of correction when I would reprimand them firmly. When I was harsh with them in my voice and facial expressions, they became immediately focused on whether or not mommy still loved them rather than the issue I wanted addressed. When I eliminated the harshness in my voice and was careful to communicate my concern about their behavior, with respect in my eyes and kindness in my voice, there were no more tears and meltdowns in response. They simply corrected their behavior. Miraculous!
Start with a respectful statement when disciplining. A teacher wrote:
For years I knew I was not giving the boys I was teaching what they needed. But now, suddenly, I have a new tool to use in the classroom: respect. I get very positive responses from my teenage male students now, even when I have to discipline them. I always try to start with a respect statement like, “I want you to know that I really respect your competitive nature and the confidence you have in your own abilities.” Then when I have to correct a behavior, they are so much more responsive.
In disciplining your son for being foolish or unteachable, listen to this school consultant. He told me,
I do have one theory that seems to bear up in practice. . . . For discipline, it is better to give boys a job than to take away a privilege. My theory is that giving a boy a job (think five-year-old boy in this case) is a statement of respect. “I believe in your ability to do something valuable.” I also encourage teachers to give the boy a job that he can do with the teacher. Most of the boys who seem to drive teachers nuts will get an ADD or ADHD diagnosis sooner or later and, consequently, have probably not bonded well with adults. So the do-the-job-with-me assignment in effect says, “I respect you enough to trust you with responsibility, and I like you enough to invite you to work with me (shoulder-to-shoulder friendship).”
I recommend doing a job that demands that you solve a problem. “We have these logs in the backyard that we need to get to the garage. What is the best way to do this?” He is being disciplined by also solving a problem.
Are you reacting disrespectfully to what appears as open defiance when it is nothing more than his inability to solve a problem and fulfill your expectation to think like an adult? You may need to consider carefully what reasonable expectations are—if it’s within reason for a child to figure out some problem or to have the attention span to do so. Mom’s negative and disrespectful reaction won’t remedy the child’s immaturity.
Encourage: Can I encourage him to keep on analyzing, solving, or counseling?
Younger Boy:
Noticing your son’s perfectionist tendencies, you observe how this leads to intense frustration when he tries to figure out complicated puzzle mazes. Earlier you’d say, “Get a grip, this is no big deal!” Now you voice,
“I respect your desire to solve problems. You work hard at analyzing these mazes. Though I want you to control your temper, I applaud your determination to take the correct path and find the proper end. Men of honor work hard at taking the right path.”
Older Boy:
He calls home in the early summer from the Christian camp where he serves as a counselor. He tells you that he feels inadequate to know how to lead someone to Christ. He wants to be a good counselor who rightly divides the Word but feels discouraged. A couple of teens said they were not ready to receive Christ. Encourage him with,
“Honey, my read is that they fully grasped the gospel message you presented, which is why they want to wait. They clearly understand that they must ask Christ to forgive them personally and then surrender themselves to Him. Many times over the years women have said to me, ‘I am not ready.’ I did not conclude I was unclear. Let me encourage you to ask them how they are doing, and what they heard you say to them. Tell them this would help you grow as a counselor.”
Mom must thoughtfully balance her comments:
“Son, what you said was quite true. I respect your honesty, insights, and desire to help. Thank you. But earlier, when you got angry at your sister, you almost shut us down so that we did not value your insight. At such moments, I recommend saying to your sister, ‘I think I know the answer. If you are interested, I could share what I think.’ This allows her to invite your insights and will probably meet with a calmer heart. Yes, she should have welcomed your input, and did apologize, but this could make it easier next time. Let me encourage you to act this way toward your sister. Thanks for listening to me. I respect that about you.”
God has enabled mothers with the ability to pepper their soft rebukes with language that honors their boys. A mom has the verbal aptitude to applaud her boy’s insight and truth-telling while helping him to calm down and to be more patient, kind, and loving. But she must recognize the level of disrespect that comes hurling at him when she does not filter the exchange as he does. She sees pink while he sees blue. He desires respect for his ideas and gets angry when rejected. His whole desire to help by contributing eye-opening information flies out the van window.
Consider ways to affirm and encourage a boy with Respect-Talk:
Preschoolers (two to four years): “I respect the many things you know in that brain of yours. You know your colors and when something is the same or different, you can count, you know your shapes, you can do puzzles, and so much more. You also know how to cooperate with other people and take turns.”
School-age children (five to eight years): “I respect something about you that I see changing. You used to say, ‘I never get anything right.’ I hear that less. You realize that lacking insight in one area on a board game, for instance, doesn’t mean you lack all knowledge about the board game. You have a lot of insight and knowledge. None of us knows everything about everything. The key is to keep learning as best we can, and I see you trying to do that and I respect that about you.”
Tweens (nine to twelve years): “I respect the way you are thinking. For instance, the other day as I listened to you talk about what you might do this summer while mom and dad are traveling the last two weeks in June, you offered several options about what you could do. What I respected was the way you looked at the pros and cons of each before making your decision. Any of them would have been good, but I liked how you decided what would be best for you and others.”
Young teenagers (thirteen to fifteen years): “Wow, what you said is a great solution to the problem. I really respect what you stated. But I think the first solution for your younger sister is to hear from her brother that he cares about her sad heart. She needs his support right now. But, yes, what you said is very insightful. Thanks.”
Older teenagers (sixteen to eighteen years): “I respect you for pointing out information to me that I did not know when driving. Foolish me. I did not know about getting in the far lane when passing a police officer who has pulled someone over. Thanks! You just saved me from getting a ticket.”
Young adults (nineteen and older): “I respect your insight that you have about relationships. You said something very profound that I never thought about. ‘All of us are focused on trying to find the right person, instead of focusing on trying to be the right person.’ Wow! Brilliant.”
A lady from Michigan shared how she’d been at a coffee shop with her sixteen-year-old niece and eighteen-year-old nephew. The niece was going on about something, and the nephew spoke up and said, “Is this something you want me to fix, or are you just talking?” She said, “Oh, I am just talking.” So he sat back in his chair and listened but didn’t say anything. The aunt said she was so impressed with how they had picked up on the Love and Respect message from their parents. As much as this aunt found refreshment in this episode, what I find curious is that this aunt said nothing to her nephew. There was no Respect-Talk to him. No one praised him for his insightful response to his sister.
Supplicate: Do I pray about his analyzing, solving, or counseling?
Younger Boy:
Pray with him about figuring out if he should play peewee football or join the community soccer league. Let him know that God wants us to pray about everything. Let him know, though, he is free to choose either sport but that you respect his wish to ask God. Tell him that is honorable.
Older Boy:
Your young adult son says he doesn’t know if he loves Jesus. Having joined the army, he candidly tells you about his doubts in trying to resolve his faith. That kind of comment hurts a mother. You need to respond with,
“As much as that comment weighs on me and makes me very sad, I applaud your honesty with me. Honesty about what one believes about Jesus has to come first. As you know, there are many who pretend to believe, but they are not honest like you. You refuse to be a hypocrite as you analyze what is true. As you know, I will pray for God’s favor to come to you.”
As you pray for your son and apply G.U.I.D.E.S., I want you to consider Eve. First Timothy 2:14 says, “And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression.”
Why was Eve deceived? Eve had Paradise but wanted more. Some refer to this as the insatiability of the female. The female is never satisfied. Though God created Eve perfectly in His image, she craved to be more “like God” (Gen. 3:5).
Eve longed for more goodness than the goodness of Paradise and yearned for more wisdom beyond the wisdom of Paradise. We read in Genesis 3: 6, “When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it” (NIV).
Ironically, the deception revolves around what is good, what is wise, and what is godlike. In her thinking, what’s wrong with wanting to be like God and enjoy more goodness and wisdom? Because these things mattered to her, she became aggressive and intentional to gain them. No one interprets Eve as a doormat or a milquetoast.
How in the world does this apply to mothers? Most Christian women want to be godlike—good and wise. They intend the same for their husbands and children. This attitude surfaces when we hear women confess, “When I am honest with myself, I want a perfect marriage and a perfect family. Truth be told, I want everyone to be like me. If everyone was like me, we’d all be happy.”
Such a mother knows perfection is not possible, but she refuses to believe imperfection should be allowed, and she won’t allow it. Her husband must stop his imperfections. Her children must cease their imperfections. They are wrong.
In her favor, I believe God allowed the residual of Paradise to remain within a woman’s heart. Something within her as a woman feels an idealism about what is good, wise, pleasing, and godlike. When the family does not align with this ideal, she aggressively mothers each person until each changes into someone who is good, wise, pleasing to the eyes, and godlike—as compared to her.
Unfortunately, for example, sons do not adjust as they ought or as quickly as they should. Therefore, to help achieve her idealism, she complains, criticizes, controls, and even coerces her boy. As loving and nurturing as she is, she gives way to another side of her femininity that uses ineffective methods. When her son does not change to her ideal, she becomes unfriendly and contemptuous. She uses the Disrespect Effect, referenced earlier in this book.
Though she does not expect perfection beyond the perfection of Paradise, as Eve did, this mother wants perfection in an imperfect world, and therein lies the problem. At that juncture she is slightly deceived. Though Jesus died on the cross to save the world from this sinful predicament, some mothers do not accept this biblical worldview that all are fallen and will never be perfect (Rom. 3:23). For instance, such a mother subscribes to the idea that her son is a clean slate for her to write upon. She says, “Be like me. Do it my way. Now!” When he fails her standard of perfection, she complains, contends, and shows contempt.
Is this how all mothers are? No. Many mothers recognize this propensity of insatiability. She is learning to balance the ideals she has for her boy to be godlike against sin with the ideals she has for herself to be godlike in extending grace and forgiveness when he gives in to sin.
How can a mother know if she has achieved this balance? She never uses disrespect toward her son. When jarred by her son’s shortcomings and sin, she refuses to up the ante by denouncing him with contempt for not being perfect. She has no right to do that. When he fails to live according to the virtues of C.H.A.I.R.S. by failing to analyze correctly, solve problems prudently, and counsel wisely, she holds back from adopting the Disrespect Effect. The good news is that when she displays a respectful demeanor when correcting his imperfections, she’ll best achieve balance.