For Those Who Feel Pressed for Time
Beyond “I Love You,” Say, “I Respect You”
(Without Superficiality or Manipulation)
Listen to these mothers who told me what happened when they used the word respect. As you read these testimonies, consider if you can do the same this week. This is the Quick Start recommendation.
A mom of adult sons recounted:
In talking to my sons on the phone, I thought I would try out the respect thing. Instead of always ending our conversation with I love you, I said “I respect (I made it personal to their situations).” One son got quiet and then said, “Thank you, mom,” which really touched my heart. Another son who is more distant from us emotionally and spiritually also got quiet and then said, “I love you,” which he seldom says first or responds to when I say it. To me that was awesome. I expect new fruit in many areas and look forward to using these tools to bring healing to first myself and then others. God bless your ministry.
After using Respect-Talk with her college-age son, a mom reported:
[He] responded with shock, “Why are you saying you respect me?” But he started acting differently. I could hear in his voice and see in his e-mails he seemed to be more confident in his maleness. He’s been so socialized about “love,” it was like he was set free to embrace the need to be respected. His defensiveness in being an independent college student stopped.
A mom e-mailed:
My relationship with my twenty-two-year-old son improved overnight! Who knew that silence was so valued? That sitting side by side and simple changes in words could make such a difference. Now I tell him how much I appreciate him, and he tears up. Before, I told him I loved him and got back, I know, I know, I luv u too. Learning the right words to get my feelings across in a way they can be assimilated was so easy! I encourage everyone I know to watch your series. Thank you!
A mom chronicled:
I have spent a lot of my formal education studying psychology, counseling, and especially counseling children. . . . I was going to give the (respect) topic a little more thought and see if I could practice some things with my own four- and two-year-old sons before writing. I don’t have any daughters, so I can’t compare, but I need to share what just happened tonight before I forget. At bedtime we always do a lot of cuddling and singing and reading and praying. We always hug and kiss at the end and I always tell each of my boys that I love them. They always say, “I love you too, mom.” Keep in mind they are four and a half and two and a half, so this is such a sweet time. They are so sweet. They tell me often that they love me and always say it back when I initiate it (I’m sure this won’t always be the case).
Tonight my husband wasn’t home, so I was putting them to bed by myself. At the end of our time, before I left the room, I was really close to my four-year-old, and I said, “Brendan, I totally respect you.” He grinned from ear to ear and almost bashfully said, “Thank you.” He is normally polite, so it’s not like I’ve never heard “thank you” before, but in this context it kind of blew me away. I think I either expected a question like, “What do you mean?” or I expected him to just repeat it back to me. But he didn’t. He just appreciated it. . . . I intend to keep telling my boys that I respect them because I do. Thank you so much for your powerful ministry. I have already passed a lot of this information on to my sisters (the disrespecting men and male-bashing stuff runs pretty heavily in my family).
A mother wanted to see how her sons would respond to the concept of respect. She told me,
Aaron is a charmer—and a bit of a ladies’ man (even at five and a half). It is not unusual for him to tell me (or any other female) that I am cute. I frequently tell him I love him, and he responds with “I love you too, mom.” However, when I told him that I liked him, he said, “Mom, even when you don’t let me do things that I want to do, I still love you.” I felt that I got a more heartfelt response because he didn’t just parrot back to me what I had said to him. I really think I was communicating in his language of respect, and he responded in mine (love). He has never initiated saying “I love you,” and for it to come after I told him I liked him seemed significant to me.
Another mom said,
I decided to try your respect test with my fifteen-year-old son. Saturday night I sent a text message to my son that said, I Respect You—within moments he replied, Thanks, mom, why? I then responded to him with reasons why. He said, Totally random but thanks, mom. When I returned home and saw him, it was Valentine’s Day, and I handed him a small box of chocolates, and he said, “Cool, just like your text over the weekend.” My son is someone who never wants to talk to me (probably pretty typical of a fifteen-year-old male with his mom). I was totally amazed and will continue to show him the respect he needs. Thank you for your ministry—what a beautiful life-calling.
Mothers know the typical attitudes and responses in their sons. That’s why when applying respect, some things seem so simple to the outsider looking in. But mothers know it is not common. That’s why we continually hear moms say, “To me that was awesome. . . . He has never initiated saying ‘I love you.’ . . . It kind of blew me away. . . . I was totally amazed.”
Let’s hear from a dad who followed my instruction on Respect-Talk when it came to disciplining:
I have been amazed at the response from [my son] when my discipline to him includes using the words, “Son, I know you are a man of honor . . .” My son is far more open to understanding the discipline when I am sitting next to him shoulder-to-shoulder on the bed or on a walk, where we can both stare forward or down.
In regard to the Man of Honor statements, when my son and daughter get into a fight, I no longer ask him, “Why did you hit your sister?” but now I sit on the bed shoulder-to-shoulder and say, “Son, I know you’re a man of honor, so I don’t understand why you would hit your sister.” Then I give him a minute to think about it before letting him know that it was unacceptable and that I would like him to learn from this lesson and act honorably in the future.
I tell everyone about the Man of Honor approach when disciplining boys that you told me about, and they all get it! I can tell you firsthand that it has changed the way I address issues with my son, and the results have been amazing, with much less unintentional shame and a much faster re-engagement process with the family after we have him sit alone and process the issue.
Mothers, listen to this dad and apply the same. This just works, folks.
Okay, mom, I want you to use the phrases: “I respect you” or “I appreciate you” or “I am proud of you.” Maybe say when you are disciplining, “You are a man of honor, so help me understand why you did XYZ.”
As you read the chapters of this book, I go more in depth, coaching you on how to communicate respect in six areas.
• “I respect your desire to work and achieve.”
• “I respect your desire to provide, protect, and even die.”
• “I respect your desire to be strong and to lead and make decisions.”
• “I respect your desire to analyze, solve, and counsel.”
• “I respect your desire for a shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.”
• “I respect your desire for sexual understanding and ‘knowing.’ ”
This is about character qualities related to these six areas. “I respect your decision to be honest . . . your diligence in doing your homework . . . your desire to share your toys with your friend . . . the way you encourage your teammates . . . your commitment to tithe to the Lord . . . your faithfulness in attending youth group.” There is always a character quality a mother can affirm verbally, even if in other areas her son falls short.
Respect-Talk does not apply to physical features that have nothing to do with his character and desires. “I respect that you look so handsome. I respect your blue eyes.” That’s comparable to a husband saying to his wife, “I love you for looking so good to me.” So will he stop loving her if she stops looking good to him? Will mom stop respecting him if he stops looking handsome?
Some words of caution when you do the Quick Start:
One: Always Speak What Is True.
One, always speak what is true. Do not make up something about respect. Never lie. Always find something about which you can speak truthfully and respectfully. Think before you speak because your son will detect deception. All moms perpetually look for some insight to get their son to change for the better. That’s a good thing.
Because mothers feel motivated by love, combined with their worry and weariness, they try out this respect thing to see if it might work in helping their sons improve. For example, a mom glances at this book on the shelf at a bookstore, then puts it back on the shelf and heads home to try this technique on her son. She reads this “Quick Start” chapter and “gets it.” That’s not a bad thing.
But what I have encountered repeatedly is an odd mind-set. She heads home to try out this “respect thing” to see if it is true. By way of analogy, she reminds me of someone with a token in hand standing in front of a vending game. “Hey, the respect coin (saying ‘I respect you’) is in my pocket, and my boy is standing in front of me like a vending game. I may as well say, ‘I respect you’ and see if he does something loving. I want to discover if this is true. Maybe I will be surprised with something special. If not, I have dinner to prepare.”
I say this tenderly, based on what some moms have told me. A mother can be naïve if not imprudent, superficial if not manipulative—all because she feels love and wants love, and other tactics haven’t worked. As long as her motive is loving, she fools herself into thinking her methods are sanctioned.
But she is raising no dummy. Her son can detect that he is her guinea pig. Such actions by a mother equate to a step-dad insincerely telling his adopted daughter that he loves her so she will quit crying and he can watch the football game. Every mother I know gasps for air when a man deceitfully conducts himself like this. In her case, though, she doesn’t blink an eye when she conducts herself in a comparable way, for two reasons: One, she believes the father is impure; whereas, she cares for her son. Two, a daughter is hurt by such actions; whereas, her son is oblivious—he is fair game to try this on. But when it comes to the respect subject, he is not unaware or unsuspecting. This may be a touching theory or a marginal matter to a mom but not to her son, who quietly tracks respect at the core of his being. Mothers need to tread carefully here. She must use “I respect you” with utmost sincerity and truthfulness.
Two: Don’t Overuse the Phrase “I Respect You.”
Men among men use the respect word less than women use the love word. Men do not go around saying, “I respect you,” the way women continually express, “I love you.” Men are more compartmentalized; whereas, women are more expressive-responsive. So don’t overexpress the phrase “I respect you.” In other words, I am not asking you to substitute “I respect you” for all the “I love you” statements you make every day.
Said too often, a boy will conclude that mom is disingenuous. He will detect that you are using a technique to get something from him instead of meeting a need in him. Too much cake makes anyone sick. As you read the chapters, you will learn when and where to use Respect-Talk. I provide you with many examples for younger and older boys. You will get the hang of this. Again, relax, but go slow at the beginning. Do not over-speak it.
Here’s the good news about Respect-Talk. You might miss the exact moment to tell him you respect him because you were distracted or lovin’ on him. However, later that day as you review the day’s events and recall a missed opportunity, you can still go to him and say, “I was thinking about what you said earlier, that you told the truth. I really respect you for that.” Then exit the room. Don’t hang around to talk about it unless he immediately wants to talk about it.
Respect-Talk is not time-sensitive as much as it is fact-sensitive. Did he in fact say or do something that allows you to say, “I respect you”? If you recall a fact from two weeks back or two months ago, you can tell your son.
Whereas expressions of love among women give immediate feelings of connection between mother and daughter, boys process differently, generally speaking. It is the substance of the comment that touches them, energizes them, motivates them, and influences them more than the respect words causing a connection with mom—though there is a subsequent connection. That’s why you have not failed your son when you express respect for him fourteen days later when you suddenly remember something. You did not miss a moment to connect with him since it isn’t just about connection between the two of you.
In my marriage book, Love & Respect, love for a woman results in closeness, openness, understanding, peacemaking, loyalty, and esteem. Respect for a man results in greater motivation to work and achieve, provide and protect, be strong and lead, analyze and solve, be friends, and relate honorably. Generally speaking, love causes women to connect; whereas, respect causes men to act and be more loving.
Let me make a comment about what I call the Energizing Cycle: mom’s respect motivates a son’s love, and a son’s love motivates mom’s respect. A mother wrote:
My husband and I have enjoyed reading Love & Respect. We are missionaries in West Africa and borrowed your book from another missionary. We wanted to share how your ideas worked with our three-and-a-half-year-old son. I wanted to tell my son a special thank-you for the good behavior he had shown in the last week. So I knelt in front of him and said, “I am so proud of the way you have done good listening, cleaning up, and helping.” I was about to give him a hug when he said, “I love you so much” and gave me a kiss. I was amazed! Love & Respect works for children too!
There it is! A mother’s respect motivates a son’s love. Many moms believe that her love should motivate her son’s love, and it does. But wait until she observes Respect-Talk motivating his love. Yes, you need to take this by faith. For now, just trust me. This works.
Three: Love and Respect Deposits Can Be Wiped Out by Serious Withdrawals of Disrespect.
Everyone knows we ought to communicate truth respectfully. What we don’t pay attention to is the delivery. A mom, for example, can be right in what she says but wrong at the top of her voice. Her words of affirmation from yesterday are stolen today by her tone and loudness, which sound disrespectful to him today.
In marriages, I coach couples to ask themselves this question: “Is what I am about to say going to sound respectful or disrespectful?” In most cases we can figure it out if we want to figure it out. Of course, when we cannot discern the answer, we need only ask the other person, “Did that sound respectful or disrespectful?”
First, ask yourself after you spoke, “Did I say that disrespectfully to my boy?”
Second, if you do not know, ask your son. “Did I say that in a way that sounded disrespectful to you?” No mother intends to make respect deposits only to make larger withdrawals due to her disrespect. These two questions help her avoid bankrupting the relationship with her son.
Four: Just Relax.
Ask God to bring things to your mind and begin the marathon. Start jogging. This is not a hundred-yard sprint. You cannot “do this respect thing” to get it over with so you can go back to doing the love thing. This is not a one-and-done exercise. This is about a lifetime commitment to meeting a respect-need in your boy. Because you love him, you will meet his masculine need for respect, just as a father who respects his daughter will meet her need for love—month after month and year after year. Love and respect for a lifetime.
Ask Your Son, “Do You Want Me to Say, ‘I Love You’ or ‘I Respect You’?”
Another Quick Start exercise is to have fun in discovering what your boy thinks. A mother told me:
I had a wonderful conversation with my eleven-year-old son that same evening. We went to dinner and a movie together (a rare opportunity without his sister and dad). I asked him which was more important from dad and mom: to be told that we love him or that we respect/value/are proud of him? He thought for moment and then definitely stated it was more important that we value him or prize him.
This is how he defined respect. I loved his expression to “prize” him (value him as a person). He added that when he was younger (six, seven, or eight) it was more important to hear that we loved him and to show him outward affection. Now that he is entering middle school, it is more important that we respect/trust him and allow him independence—he strongly disapproves of “nitpicking” mothers (sounds familiar to “nagging” wives).
Inform your son, as you ask him, that in choosing just one, you are not saying the other is less important. Let him know that this is just a fun little test and you are curious about what most uplifts him: “I love you” or “I respect you.”
This allows some mothers to see firsthand a dimension in their sons that, heretofore, “in every respect” (pun intended) escaped their notice.
Let me insert that younger boys do not yet understand an abstract concept such as respect as a standalone. I asked my four-year-old grandson, Jackson, if he wanted to hear me say, “I love you” or “I respect you.” He said, “I love you.”
I then asked, “Do you know what respect means?” He said no. I then gave him this word picture: “When you put on a Superman outfit and are brave and strong, do you want me to say ‘I love you for being Superman,’ or ‘I respect you for being Superman?’ ”
Immediately and with great energy he said, “Respect.” He went from not knowing to knowing. He “gets it” with a concrete word picture. If boys do not understand the concept of respect, they will default to the word love since moms always use the word.
In asking the question some of you will be surprised by his answer. But don’t act negatively surprised. You could make him feel that he ought not to feel this way. If he says “respect” but you give off an air of disapproval, such as rolling your eyes, you run the risk of him closing off to you out of fear. No boy wants his mother’s disapproval. That feels disrespectful.
In our marriage conferences we address a husband’s need for respect, and after that session hundreds of women turn to their husbands and say, “Is that really how you feel?” They cannot believe that what I said about their husbands is true, and they want their husbands to say, “No, that’s not true about me.” Instead, he meekly comments, “What do you think I have been trying to tell you all these years?”
Many wives write me in shock: “I had no idea that’s how he felt.” A mother can do the same with her tone and words when asking her boy. “Do you want love or respect from me? Surely not respect, right?” Her question is not a question but a demand. I say this tenderly, but a mom might not want to risk hearing her son say “respect” because deep in her heart she knows the amount of disrespect she has displayed.
Many women tell me that they have become contemptuous within the home. Exhausted, frustrated, hurt, and angry, a mom can take it out on the child who creates the most stress—who typically is a boy. Consequently, this information threatens and guilt-trips her. She covers up her fear and shame by rising up against her boy: “What? You want respect? What are you saying, that I am disrespectful? How can you say that?” She shuts him down. She knows of her rudeness and belittling but rationalizes it. She turns a special moment to peek through a window into her son’s soul into a moment where he boards up his soul against her discourtesy and disparaging words.
Here’s an incentive for not reacting this way. My wife, Sarah, addresses this in our conference. She asks, “Do you want your daughter-in-law to speak with habitual disrespect toward your son?” Not one mother wants this. For this reason, every mother needs to model what she may need to tell her daughter-in-law to do.
This mother needs to speak out of her credibility and reputation about how to treat her son respectfully, though he does not always deserve respectful confrontations. It is easier to be disrespectful when confronting his unrespectable behavior. She needs to be able to explain that Respect-Talk is not about a son deserving respect but about a woman learning to convey truth in a respectful manner.
Contemptuous speech never creates fond feelings of love and affection in the male soul. In chapter 2, “Understanding What Respect Looks Like to Boys,” I define respect and how to show respect when a boy does not deserve it.
A father wrote to me:
I have one other observation: we have two boys, ages ten and twelve. Since listening to the [Love and Respect] CDs, I have started to watch carefully how they interact with their mother. What I have noticed is that they have their own mini Crazy Cycles. When she speaks to them with what I think of as “that tone”—the condescending and disapproving voice—I see how it crushes them, and they soon show unloving and disrespectful behavior and vice versa. I pray that my wife will not only gain from this study for the benefit of our marriage but that it will also benefit her relationships with our two sons. I now counsel them daily to show mom love even when they feel she is being “too critical,” as my twelve-year-old put it.
Some mothers trigger the Crazy Cycle: without respect a boy reacts without love, and without love (and respect) a mother reacts without respect. For this reason I ask a mom, “Is your son reacting in ways that feel unloving to you, and then you react in disrespectful ways?” Do you spin?
Many moms identify with the Crazy Cycle and want to stop it. Disrespect triggers a negative, unloving reaction from most boys, especially as they get older. Once mom decodes this dynamic, she can defuse it with the power of Respect-Talk.
Of course, this information generates questions. A mom asked,
Do you have any information about the Crazy Cycle when it involves a mother/teenage son relationship? I know our sons are men-in-the-making and that they need respect to become manly, but in so many ways they still need correction. Have you any suggestions as to how to correct an adolescent son without starting the Cycle spinning?
Yes. I cover this in the chapters of this book. For instance, I help a mom understand how to discipline with Respect-Talk in ways that motivate a son to be more loving and respectful. I show you how to confront, correct, and enact consequences toward a disobedient son without using disrespect as the weapon of choice.
Sarah had lunch with a friend. While they were seated at the table, the male manager visited with them. Sarah mentioned in the course of the conversation that I was writing a book on mothers and sons and the importance of a mother’s speaking with respect. Blown away, this man painfully shared, “This is the problem my wife has toward our son. She is condescending and belittling to get him to obey. She says things to him that are emotionally killing him. He then reacts big-time.”
Exactly! Disrespect triggers a son’s unloving and disrespectful reaction. Though disrespect sometimes works to get him to clean up the mess the dog made, in the long run disrespect feeds the Crazy Cycle. It does not reduce the insanity.
Back to the question: “Do you want to hear ‘I love you’ or ‘I respect you’?” What if a boy says “love”? Keep two things in mind. One, some boys will say “love” because they really want love, and that’s okay. It is perfectly acceptable for a boy to express himself this way.
Philip, age nine, says to his mom, in response to her question about wanting love or respect, “Definitely love all the way. Can’t live without it. The word means more to me. Just tell me you love me.” She says, he “likes being told, ‘I love you.’ And he also says, ‘I love you so so much.’ ” In our research, 17 percent of the males expressed their preference for love. I have no intention of trying to make a boy mouth something he does not feel. However, the research bears out that 83 percent of the men gravitate toward the need to feel respected.
Even so, I am not concerned about that boy who exclaims, “Definitely love all the way.” Moms will love that boy naturally. It is a win-win. My concern resides with the boy who wants to feel a mother’s respect and is ignored.
When asking the question, make sure your son does not say “love” just because he fears it will hurt you if he says “respect.” He knows you love to love, and if he senses at any point you ask the question with the expectation that he will answer, “I love you,” then he’ll tell you what you want to hear. He does not want to be disrespected for differing with you.
Here is something you might want to do for extra credit. Say to your son, “I want you to feel free to say, ‘Mom, I know you love me, but I feel like you are not respecting me.’ I want you to tell me this when you feel this way. I may not change what I am saying, but I will try to say it more respectfully, okay?”
A mom told me:
I make sure that he knows how much I value and respect his feelings, as well as the fact that he is willing to share those feelings. I’ve learned that even though he is only eleven, I still have to show him respect. I choose my words carefully. I never want him to feel belittled. I always am watchful that my words do not crush his spirit. When addressing my son, I make sure that he knows how important respect is when dealing with everyone.
Here is extra, extra credit: Ask your son, “What makes you feel respected, honored, appreciated, valued, or prized?” Some boys have never been asked or given permission to even discuss this desire. Some will puff out their chests and tell mom their answers. Most will reply, “I don’t know.” Most boys find it hard to describe what they feel about respect; whereas, a daughter can talk at length when asked, “What makes you feel loved?”
If your son cannot answer, do not conclude that this issue is insignificant to him. Not having a ready answer does not mean he finds the matter trivial. Boys are less expressive-responsive. To conclude he has no desire for respect because he does not readily talk about that desire is comparable to asking a teen boy about his interest in sex and observing him look down at his feet and say nothing. What person would conclude, “Oh, I guess my boy doesn’t think about sex since he said nothing when I asked him about it”?
This is not about ceasing Love-Talk but adding Respect-Talk. Boys need both love and respect.
A mom e-mailed:
I have only boys—three of them (three, five, and seven in age)! So I can only speak on the boys’ side of things. They are too young to really verbalize which they would rather have, but I do know that . . . my oldest responds better with respect yet loves to be told we love him. I do notice when I say I’m proud of him for his behavior/actions, he swells up with pride (in a good way) and wants to know all the reasons why I was proud of him in the particular situation.
There it is: “he responds better with respect yet loves to be told we love him.” Can a mother beat that combination? Two sides of the coin.
“Emerson, are you sure my love is not enough?” You can love him but not meet his need for respect. You can actually love your son but not be proud of him, and he interprets that as no respect for who he is as a person. Some mothers readily confess, “I love my son dearly but do not always like him or respect him, though I try never to communicate those negative feelings. Admittedly, he frustrates and angers me because he doesn’t listen and obey me.”
Interestingly, as the boy ages, he sees more of mom’s true attitude than she sees in herself. “My mom loves me, but she is not proud of me.” This explains a scene with an older boy when his mom says, “But I love you.” He angrily reacts, “I know you love me. You tell me that all the time.” Baffled and hurt, she cannot figure this out, until now. He needs to feel her respect.
Hear Your Son Again for the First Time
Due to selective listening, I invite you to hear your son again for the first time. This is another immediate action step you can take.
With some boys, you will hear them using Respect-Talk as though for the first time. You will realize you never paid attention to this because it wasn’t relevant to you. You speak Love-Talk and hear Love-Talk. You do not speak Respect-Talk, nor do you hear it.
I received an e-mail from a mom who heard my presentation on a boy’s need for respect:
I know you’re working on your book about boys and respect. I’m sitting next to my boy, who’s playing the computer game Fate. All of a sudden, he said, “Mom, I am respected now!” In the game, you have a respect level score that gets higher the more you play well. My boy reached the level of . . . “Renown.”
Because of what I had taught her, she listened with new ears and looked with new eyes. A lightbulb came on for her. Before this, his comments would have passed her like a ship in the night. Oblivious. However, this time what she heard him say provided a glimpse into his masculine soul, and this insight thrilled her. It registered with her that she was onto something epoch-making.
What if a mother retorts, “That game proves nothing other than some meaningless fantasy residing in that boy’s head”? Her rejoinder is comparable to a dad saying that his daughter’s dollhouse is nothing other than some meaningless fantasy residing in that girl’s head. No, these are the early bubbles—evidence of an underground spring, soon to flow into a creek and then a river. The boy is becoming a man as the girl is becoming a woman.
I urge moms to listen carefully. Your son speaks through a blue megaphone, and you need to put on blue hearing aids because your pink hearing aids operate at a different frequency.
Why might a mother not hear what her son is saying about respect? In psychology it is called “selective exposure.” She tends to hear what she listens to. She does not see what she does not look for. Most mothers want their sons to be more loving. Continually she urges him to be more sensitive, to say, “I am sorry,” to look the other person in the eye, to ask how he is doing, and to be nice. The list of loving attitudes and actions she expects lengthens. She filters almost everything through the love-grid. She selectively pays attention to Love-Talk.
In addition, she loves her boy and serves him each day, and she longs for him to respond to her and be grateful. She looks intently at whether or not he values all that she does for him since a quality son will appreciate his mother. Because love dominates her thinking, she does not look for respect stuff.
Selective exposure means a mom can put on blinders, which prevent her from seeing anything but love. A horse with blinders sees only straight ahead. He cannot see the whole world around him. Blinders are great to prevent a horse from being spooked. Blinders on a mother, however, prevent her from seeing her son’s need for respect. This is not a good thing.
A mom told me:
[I have a] nine-year-old son. I received the cutest hand-written Mother’s Day card this week, and you would be amazed what the first line of the card read: “I appreciate you because you are respectful.” The rest of the card talked about being thankful for doing his laundry and how I am good at math, but the respect comment was on the top.
This boy revealed something about himself to his mom. This mom wrote to tell me that she almost missed it because she wasn’t listening for it. But when she did pay attention, his note exploded with meaning to her in a way that would have passed her.
A question for you: If your son complimented you for being respectful, what would have been your thought prior to learning about respect? What would you think now?
Decide Right Away Against the Quick Quit
It is so easy for me to guilt-trip mothers without trying.
Their sensitivity and love are so intense that the mere hint that they have failed to speak with Respect-Talk (or worse, have used disrespect) shuts them down with shame and guilt.
For instance, watch how guilty I can make you feel. You say to me, “Dr. E., can I just tell my son that I didn’t mean it when I spoke disrespectfully?” I reply, “This is the same comment a wife makes about her husband on the heels of her disrespect of him. She will tell me, ‘My husband should know that I didn’t mean it.’ ”
Okay, here is where I hammer you. “I agree that you didn’t really mean it with your son. However, the nursery rhyme—‘Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me’—is a lie. By way of another analogy, did you know that in the law there is a category called ‘involuntary manslaughter’? For example, a driver unintentionally hits a pedestrian who darts out into the street, and she runs over him and kills him. She had no malicious intent, so the courts give her mercy, and she is neither fined nor sent to jail. But she still killed the man. Though the analogy is drastic, many mothers have no evil intent when being disrespectful. But a handful of mothers are emotionally killing their sons nonetheless.”
Okay, do you feel like a rotten mother, a man-slaughtering woman? Some mothers immediately put themselves into that camp of mothers. They may have excelled in so many other arenas but have fallen short in this way. The failure overwhelms all of her successes.
Because of a mother’s sensitivity, guilt overwhelms her due to her incredible concern to be a good and loving mother. But here is what I find peculiar: she suddenly bolts for the door to get out of this “respect room,” for a few gals subscribe to the notion of “out of sight, out of mind.” It is here a few moms shut down. Instead of standing at the starting line to begin this exciting marathon, they exit the race. They decide against a Quick Start. They decide for a Quick Quit.
They walk off the track, never to return. To ease their guilt, they wall off what they envision as my pointing finger. They imagine me waving it in their faces, screaming, “Shame on you!” They interpret good news about their sons as bad news for them.
But hear me: you are not a bad mother who has killed the spirit of your son. I gave the manslaughter illustration as a mere metaphor to make the point that we can have goodwill and no malicious intent, but we can still hurt our boys. But you have not killed your son. So take a deep breath.
Truth is, your son knows your loving heart; and you will learn how quickly men forgive, drop it, and move on.
In chapter 12, I address the importance of seeking forgiveness for past disrespect.
Now, though, I want you to see how quickly your Respect-Talk brings healing to the hurt your son feels. Think of your response to your husband after he hurt you. How quickly does your spirit soften and move toward him to connect when he says in humility, “I am truly sorry for my unloving reaction. Will you forgive me? I was wrong”?
Every wife I know nearly melts. Love-Talk heals the hurt. The language of Respect-Talk that I teach in this book will touch the heart of your son in matching ways. Respect-Talk only consists of a few vocabulary words, so do not expect this to be a yearlong language course.
But you must not shut down on me. Shutting down is easy because there is no one out there who is saying to you what I am saying. You can position yourself next to the loudspeaker that is blasting this message: “Love your son by telling him he needs to be more loving . . . more loving . . . more loving . . . like you!” The decibels resonate so loudly, they drown out my small whisper from a hundred feet away: “Let me teach you about Respect-Talk.”
You no longer hear me, and then you turn to your BFF and say, “I just heard this guy say my son needs respect.” She snaps back, “What? Respect your son? He needs to respect you. That’s ridiculous. Your son needs to respect your love and be more loving, just as my boy needs to learn the same. This isn’t about what we need to do as mothers; this is about what our sons need to do. Turn up the loudspeaker. Our boys need to hear they need to be more loving.”
Added to this, some moms say to themselves, I feel bad enough about myself as it is. I do not want to feel worse. I cannot handle one more thing right now. I do not have the energy to take on this respect stuff. One such mom would drop the whole topic to maintain inner equilibrium, to feel good about herself as best she can.
In a week or two, if no one reminds you, you will put out of your mind the mother tongue of your son. You do the Quick Quit. You turn your full attention back to Love-Talk—every time. Love-Talk is your mother tongue, to which you default. This is why I recommend “Emerson’s 21 Days of Inspiration in Applying the Respect Message” (Appendix E). I invite you to embark on this worthy journey—to keep Respect-Talk front and center in your thinking and not shut down due to some nightmarish scenes of disrespect. Let me inspire you with a reminder over twenty-one days.
“But, Emerson, I have really been rude—no, beyond rude. Surely I have failed my son and ruined him for life. I don’t ride a broom, but I have ‘witched’ him!” You have not failed or ruined him. It is never too late, even if the son is seventy-five and you are ninety-five.
Would a seventy-five-year-old daughter forgive her ninety-five-year-old dad who said, “I have failed you. I have failed to love you. I have hurt you deeply, and I can only hope you would forgive me. Will you forgive me? I have been the fool who neglected to love you, a precious gift to me from God. Oh, how I hurt over the pain I inflicted on you. I have asked God to forgive me. I only hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me”?
Given this man is sincere, the daughters I have met find a cataclysmic shift takes place in their souls. So, too, a mom can recover with her son; it is never too late, and this book will guide you through this recovery. But you must choose to come out of the dark into the light. You must not dart away from this Quick Start. You must do the Quick Start recommendations, then keep reading the book for the path to follow. You can also sign up for my e-mails for twenty-one days of inspiration (see Appendix E). It is a bright, new day! Heaven sings!
Right Now, Ask God to Help You Discern and Apply
In hearing this message about respect, I believe for some of you this is both an answer to prayer and a call to prayer.
Along with you, I believe that God is very interested in your mothering influence on your boy and always hears your prayers on his behalf. I also believe that He intends to reveal new truth to you about respect toward your boy. May I invite you to continue to pray but also to pray with new requests for ways to show your son respect?
The apostle James tells us that we have not because we ask not (James 4:2 KJV). Let’s ask!
A mother wrote:
I could not sleep this morning. I was praying and asking God what I must do. Our situation at home is not what I know it could be. I share some of the same testimonies of the mothers from your writings on respecting sons. I was specifically reflecting on one son’s behavior last night. I believe God led me to read your insights in His perfect timing. I will be stopping now to spend quiet time with the Lord. I believe that God has answered my cries for help in this very emotional situation.
Another mom wrote:
[In 2009] I finished the Love and Respect seminar. I went with the intention of improving my marriage, yet as I sat there, I kept reflecting on the deterioration of what used to be a very close relationship with my eighteen-year-old. Before the series, I just couldn’t figure out what was causing the distance between us. It was respect. My son desperately needed respect, and I didn’t know how to show it. I knew how to show love but not respect, especially when my son was doing the typical eighteen-year-old behaviors, such as putting off chores. How was I to correct bad behavior and still show respect?
I went home and prayed that the Lord would show me how, and He did! Instead of nagging about things that my son had done wrong, I used a gentle tone to tell him how putting off chores made me feel, as if he didn’t care about my feelings or needs.
As she gave voice to her side of the equation, she let him know that her words were not expressed with the purpose of disrespecting him but to show him the power and influence he had in their relationship. She conveyed to him that she needed his strength and help. He stepped up to the plate.
She commented, “Our relationship took such a drastic turn that within three months we were as close as ever!”
A mother shared with me, “I begin the day asking God to open my eyes to ways He can show respect through me; then I become proactive, and the reactive episodes seem to diminish. . . . I have eight children, ages twenty-eight down to eleven.”
May I invite you right this moment to pray this prayer?
Lord, You know how comfortable I am with expressing my love to my son. It is who You made me to be: one who loves. However, You know how foreign this Respect-Talk sounds to me. Yet as I listen more deeply, I am hearing a ring of truth. Though I cannot wrap my mind around all that I am learning, I can see that my son needs respect. There really is a man in my boy. Honor and respect energize and motivate him. Though I wish he could remain my precious, sweet baby, You have designed him as a male who needs respect. As difficult as this is for me, he must never remain mommy’s little boy.
In Genesis, You announced that a son is to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. No son is to cleave to his mother. He is to move toward independence, and I sense now that my respect, not just my love, contributes significantly to his healthy development and departure. I accept this; no, I welcome this as Your plan. Though I hope never to degrade or ignore this truth, help me in a culture and era when so many oppose respecting a man and some promote contempt. Let me not come under their influence. Instead, You be my influence.
Teach me what respect looks like to the boy You have gifted to me. I need You to help me do what is best for my son. I offer myself to You with the request that You guide me in meeting my son’s need for respect. As I read this book, direct me to examples that fit my son. He and I both need your encouragement in this. And forgive me for those times of disrespect. I am sorry. But, more importantly, grant to me the power to change so I do not keep returning to You for forgiveness, though You always forgive, and for that I give You thanks. Most important, as I end this prayer, beyond respecting and honoring my son, may I reverence and honor Your Son. In His name I ask these things, amen.
During the first twenty-one days after reading this book, you can receive inspiring e-mails from me. (Learn how to sign-up in Appendix E.) Though difficult days come and doubts and discouragements control us more than we desire, God still calls us to look to Him as Jesus looked to the Father. God calls us to entrust ourselves and our sons into His hands. Though a mother cannot control the ultimate outcomes in her son, she can ask God to help her control her actions and reactions to her son. She can ask God to provide opportunities for her to act respectfully in ways that touch the heart of her son. She can ask God to help her stop her disrespectful reactions when such behavior deflates and defeats her son. Though her son may not appreciate her respectful demeanor as he ought during this age and stage, there is One Son who does—the Son of God. Nothing a mother does in trust and obedience toward Jesus is wasted. Everything counts. Everything matters to Him.