DAUGHTERS, ADULT WOMEN, AND MOMMY ISSUES
What About Daughters?
Does the culture really understand boys? Generally speaking, the mind-set is all about teaching boys how to treat girls. A mother wrote:
Two of my children are attending an essay class. Last week they were told to write an essay titled, “How Should a Gentleman Treat a Lady?” or “How Should a Lady Treat a Gentleman?” . . . everyone chose the first option. My daughter, without being prompted, offered an explanation: “There is more material available to answer the first question.”
Because girls exercise greater sensitivity and empathy, the thinking is to stay on boys to teach them to be sensitive and empathetic.
Here’s what we do not observe. Women and girls react with great disrespect when feeling unloved. When females feel a brother is not sensitive and empathetic, they can verbally lash out in ways that cause the hair on a cat’s back to stand up. Though a girl feels vulnerable, the female tongue does not sound vulnerable to a boy. Her tongue can be venomous.
What is our response to girls? Do we coach them on “How Should a Lady Treat a Gentleman?”? No. We tend to give a pass to girls other than saying, “You shouldn’t say those things.” There is no serious consequence. Because we know girls speak out of hurt and will soon enough apologize, we let them remain in that pattern for years. Added to this problem, the boys do not cry but steel themselves against their tongues. The boys appear arrogant, angry, or indifferent. We deduce the boys need even more rebuking. We hand them the essay “How Should a Gentleman Treat a Lady?” Inside the boys can be dying, but who cares? As a culture we gravitate toward how to treat a lady but not a man, thinking if we can exhort men, all will be well. But as I say, “The key to motivating a person is to meet that person’s deepest need.” If we do not teach girls about the power of their disrespect and how that shuts down the heart of a boy because it undermines his need as a human being, we will not motivate the boy to hear us when we coach him on how to conduct himself toward women. When he feels dishonored and unjustly treated, he will pull away. When he feels we respect his heart, he becomes teachable.
Daughters who are aggressive toward younger brothers really need coaching. A mother informed me:
I have even been teaching my older daughter to respect her brothers. I just told her today that it is detrimental for her to hit, hold, or push a boy. I watch my boys rear up in anger within seconds when restricted or pushed in frustration. My husband and I do not allow this behavior, but it does happen enough.
One mother made the adjustment:
So many times when my daughter shares frustrations with the males in her life, whether it is her twin brother, her dad, or boys at school, I am able to say, “Hey, let me help you try to see the issue the way they see it,” or “Here is why they may come across like that.” She is always interested to hear about the differences in men and women.
What happens when a sister makes a respectful gesture? A mother wrote:
Thank you soooooo much for speaking to the children on how love and respect apply to them. At one point in the conference, Katie (the dominant choleric) leaned over to Daniel (the quiet phlegmatic—and younger) and just hugged him and apologized for being harsh and not respecting him as a man and brother. I know I saw his shoulders puff out. Priceless. Quiet Daniel was most talkative and loved the lists Sarah covered.
Girls, when coached, will get it because of their sensitivity. A mom told me, “One of my daughters was really treating my son badly—bossing him and speaking to him like she speaks to our dog—and she has had a total turnaround for which I am so thankful.” Girls can understand C.H.A.I.R.S. when it is explained to them.
I love what this mom said to her eleven-year-old daughter. Having attended the Love and Respect Conference, the mother said,
I began explaining the simple things we had learned. As I told her some of the different ways boys react than girls, she squealed, “Mom, you would not believe it. In social studies, you should see the boys act out some of the things we talk about in class. They pretend to blow each other up; they are so weird!” I replied, “Not weird, just different.” A light went on in her precious head. We are changing the thinking of the next generation. How exciting to be able to pass these truths down to our two daughters and two sons.
A mother wrote me of her concern:
We need to change the message we send to daughters. My parents certainly taught me independence and competition . . . even with boys. We were built on the mantra “Anything boys can do, girls can do better.” Beating a boy was a victory and a celebration. These lessons make sense as a means to protect our daughters from hurt, but perhaps a better lesson and model is the idea of love and respect. A young woman who grows up ready to compete for power with a man will struggle to submit to the man of her heart.
She highlights an important truth about respect. But is teaching respect comparable to teaching a girl to submit? No. Both Paul and Peter began their discussions of marriage with direction to wives, regarding submitting to their husbands (Eph. 5:22; 1 Peter 3:1), but they referred to meeting a husband’s need for respect (Eph. 5:33; 1 Peter 3:2). It dawned on me one day that a wife submits to her husband’s need for respect just as a husband submits (Eph. 5:21) to his wife’s need for love. Mutual submission is possible when understood to be the meeting of the other’s deepest need. For this reason, mothers need to frame respect as something other than being a doormat. This is not about the girl being less than the boy and being walked on. That’s never the way of Christ and is a perversion of the biblical meaning. This is about meeting a boy’s need. This concept of submission, first and foremost, that a woman appears respectful even when upset and confrontational, has revolutionized the thinking of many women. It is positive and proactive.
What About Mothers, Sisters, and Female Friends?
Women talk about their children. Constantly. Some female friends may downplay this message of a boy’s need for respect. They will object for any number of reasons, which we set forth in chapter 11. I want you to remain true to what you now believe about respect. Women influence women. Your female family members and friends are not mean-spirited, but some do not like or respect men because of earlier hurts. The disappointment has been so severe they now protect themselves by spewing out contempt. Thus, a conversation about respecting boys can meet with resistance. Instead of debating, ask for their feedback to discover what they feel and why. Ask them to share their opinion in response to these questions:
Can a mom conclude her love should be enough for her son? What if a boy truly needed something from his mother beyond her love? What if he needed far more respectful treatment?
Can a mom appear far more disrespectful to her son than she intends? Can she appear more disrespectful than she appears loving?
What does a boy feel when he concludes his mom does not like or respect him as a human being?
Can a boy know his mother loves him but see that as less important to him than if his mom respects him?
What if a boy needed to feel respected for who he was apart from his performance? Could a mom miss this need? If she misses this need, is it no big deal since she thinks the boy must be egotistical?
Does a mom really love her son if she thinks the boy should feel respected because of her love?
Can a mom love her son yet react in ways that feel hugely disrespectful to her son?
Can a mom fail to see her disrespectful reactions since she is so upset with her son’s behavior? Can she inadvertently be disrespectful, just the opposite of what her boy needs?
Can a mom not see the extent to which she reacts negatively in ways that feel disrespectful to her son since her daughter does not feel that way?
Can a mom overlook the signs and signals given to her by her son for respect? What would it look like for a boy to reference his need for respect?
Can mom’s disrespect explain why her son withholds his affection from her?
Can a mom observe her boy change and not know why because she does not recognize that he interprets her as loving him but not respecting or liking him?
If these women find their curiosity piqued, let them read this book. The good news is that this book provides the insight to prevent a mother from neglecting her son’s need.
Mommy Issues
Mothers from families with only women feel ignorant about respect toward men. A mom wrote:
I am a first-grade teacher and a mother of a four-year-old boy. During your conference, you spoke about the differences between little girls and little boys several times. Hearing you talk about the differences between boys and girls (not wrong, just different) was so helpful to me. I come from a long line of girls (all aunts and sisters, and my dad passed away when I was a child), so I do not have a lot of experience with little boys. I love my son so much and appreciate him for his energy, humor, and overall boyness. However, I want to make sure that I am doing all that I can to parent him as a boy should be parented. . . . My question is, can you point me in the direction of some good resources to equip me to be a better mother to a wonderful young man and a better teacher to many young men?
I hope this book will be a wonderful resource for this goodwilled mother.
Another husband wrote: “My wife never had any siblings, and so she does not understand the nature of boys.” It is one thing to lack knowledge of men; it is another to be openly contemptuous toward men and boys. A woman wrote, “I was raised by a very strong single mother, and I grew up with her and her friends talking about men like they were just useless lazy creatures. To me, whatever boys can do, girls can do better.” Another told me, “I have two sons, eight and almost seven. . . . I don’t know why it took me so long to understand the heart of a male. But I can shed some light on this. I came from a very broken home. All I saw were strong, domineering, bullying types of women or very passive-aggressive [ones]. Not a great model for me to raise sons.” Still another commented:
To be honest, if it weren’t for my boys, I wouldn’t be “dealing” with any man right now. I have a horrible view about men. . . . As you can tell from my negativity, I really don’t have much hope in love and respect, and I am not really optimistic that your resources will change my perspective or my attitude. I haven’t lost all hope, though, or I wouldn’t be trying your resource.
Most women are not mean-spirited; they just never saw respect for men modeled. A mom e-mailed:
I am raising two boys, and in this time I can certainly bless them with the knowledge God presented through the two of you this past weekend. I realized while sitting there that growing up, I never witnessed a woman in my family treat a man with respect. Thus, I had no examples, but I surely do not want my boys to be with women who will disrespect them as men.
Some of you are clueless about this because no one explained any of this to you. However, do not move into shame. See this as a special moment to gain insight that can make a huge impact. See this as a moment in which the Lord is answering some of your prayers about your relationship with your son.
Mommy’s Marriage
God calls wives to put on respect toward the spirit of their husbands (Eph. 5:33; 1 Peter 3:1–2). However, when a wife feels disrespect for her husband, it can spill over onto her son. A woman shared, “I also am raising two boys ages nine and four, and my lack of respect for their father as well as other men is sure to damage their self-respect as growing men. I love my boys very dearly and do not want to harm them in this way. I want them to grow as strong, loving, respectable, godly men, and I will have to show them this.”
Some wives have awakened to the impact that their disrespect toward their husbands has on their sons. A woman wrote:
I recently read your book and wish it had been written twenty years ago. My husband and I have three grown sons. For the first time I realize why they often reacted so negatively when I disrespected their dad. As I look back at times of verbal disrespect toward my husband, I now understand why my sons would at times visibly wince and come angrily to his defense. They understood what I did not. Respect is vital to men. I hope you will explain to the women at your conferences that a woman’s lack of respect toward her husband has negative effects not only on him but on the other “men” in the house as well. I am making a point of praising and respecting my husband in front of our sons, and all four of them are standing taller!
A mom wrote to me:
I know the Lord has forgiven me for my past disrespect, but my heart hurts so deeply that my words were the cause of so much emotional pain to my husband and sons, and I didn’t even realize it. Even though I said other kind exhorting words to them . . . they just heard it as complaining, and it didn’t matter. Using the right word is so vital. Women need to wake up and realize the way society responds to our men is wrong. We’re harming our men, without even knowing it.
Sadly, some moms show disrespect toward their husbands because they feel their husbands fail to be loving and sensitive to their sons. However, the boy does not feel as the mother feels. A woman told me, “We saw your seminar on DVD, and it helped a lot. . . . The other day my husband walked into the kitchen and didn’t say good morning to my son. I said, ‘Can’t you say good morning?’ My son replied, ‘Mom, he nodded his head—that’s good enough.’ ”
Consumed with helping her husband be more loving toward their son, she ends up being disrespectful to both of them. This testimony illustrates the goodwill of the mother but also that she has an expectation of how things ought to be. She can quickly criticize when a husband falls short of that standard. In this instance, the son defends his dad, feeling his mom’s critique was presumptuous, inaccurate, and unfair.
A son wrote to me about a sad memory. During the burning of their home, his mother showed contempt toward her husband, his dad, in front of the whole family:
I remembered a scene from 1965. The farmhouse in which my mother grew up caught fire and was gutted. My mother said, “The house would not have burned if my dad had been there.” My mother did not know at the time she made the statement that her father was at the scene when the house was gutted. She had so much confidence in her father that she believed that he could have prevented the house from being gutted, even though he was nearly seventy-nine years old at the time. My point is that my mother never exhibited that kind of respect for our father in front of us children.
Nearly forty years later he still recalls the level of disrespect his mother showed his dad. A son feels disrespected by his mother’s disrespect for his father, just as a daughter feels unloved by her father when he treats her mother unlovingly.
Mommy’s Unrealistic Expectations
An adult son communicated with me:
In asking about how the love-respect issue relates to mother-son relationships, I really wasn’t talking about the early years or even the teen years. I am almost embarrassed to say it, but I’m talking about three sons who are in their thirties. More often than not we, thirty-year-old sons, are on the Crazy Cycle with mom. We know she loves us because she genuinely does so much for us. And we love her. I think what it boils down to is we are still the priority in her life, as we were when we were children. That leads to disappointment for her when we don’t meet her expectations of what she expects the mother-adult son relationship to be (thus, she feels unloved), and then she loses her temper or gets jealous when we don’t give her a fair share of our time (thus, we feel disrespected). When we hop on the Crazy Cycle, we keep hearing the same issues from years ago, over and over and over again. I could go on and on. Our family appears to be the “perfect” family to everyone else—three pastors involved here—but our relationship continues to be strained. I am very interested to know how Love and Respect, which is God’s directive for man and wife, applies to mom and adult son.
Moms must hear the heart of this adult son. Jesus said that a son shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. A mom must accept the sequence of three phases: first phase, she controls the tots; second phase, she counsels the teens (she cannot control them 24/7); and third phase, she casts off her sons. According to Jesus, a son leaves. He tends to exercise greater independence. For this mother to carry on as she does with her three godly, wise sons only pushes them away from her emotionally. She must stop thinking about her love-needs and concentrate on their respect-needs—the other side of the coin. When she does this, they’ll be more affectionate and connected. How can mothers miss this? That’s comparable to a father demanding that his daughter respect him all the while spurning her need for his love.