Creating a comfortable climate for continual conversations
Where do your kids go with their questions about sex?
Think about that one for a moment. At school they hear someone mention something about a sexual act or position. Believe me, it happens more than you think. Or they’re watching YouTube, TV, or a movie at their friend’s house and one of the characters makes a crude sex joke referencing something your child hasn’t heard about before.
What do your kids do with this partial information? Are they curious about the term they just heard?
Gossip spreads about a cheerleader at school. Apparently she drank too much at a party and ended up engaging in some pretty wild activities. The word anal is used. Is this a new term for your kids? Will they want to know more?
In a recent article about kids and Internet porn, Martin Daubney shared an eye-opening experience observing sex education consultant Jonny Hunt interact about sex and relationships with a group of people ages thirteen to fourteen. To gain an understanding of what these children knew about sex, Hunt began by asking them each to write an A–Z list of the sexual terms they knew, no matter how explicit. Daubney described the group as children who “had just hit puberty and some were clearly still children: wide-eyed, nervous, with high-pitched voices. Some of the girls were beginning their first forays into makeup. Several wore braces on their teeth. Everybody was smartly turned out in school uniform.”
When they posted the list on the board, it was quickly evident that the children’s knowledge of porn terms was not only surprisingly extensive, “it superseded that of every adult in the room—including the sex education consultant himself.”
“The first word every single boy and girl in the group put on their list was anal.”
When questioned, every single child in the class of twenty had seen sodomy acted out in porn. Daubney confessed, “I was stunned they even knew about it—I certainly hadn’t heard of it at that age—let alone had watched it and as a result may even have wanted to try it.”1 (Which is why we will devote an entire chapter to the subject of pornography—chapter 9.)
If only this was an anomaly.
Been to the grocery store? Just hope your daughter’s eyes didn’t wander over to that Cosmopolitan magazine on the rack that read, “Is anal bleaching safe?” Kristen Wiig joked about it in the popular movie Bridesmaids years ago, and Cosmo claims, “More and more women are whitening back there.”2 Something that used to be common only with porn stars.
If we ever let our kids out of the house, they most likely have stumbled upon references like this . . . more than we’d like, I’m sure.
Will it make them wonder?
Will they ask their friends?
Will they ask you?
Think about it. Where do they go for answers?
Sadly, the number one place young people go to for answers today is Google.
Google’s a great place to search for how to change your alternator . . . but not always so great for sex advice.
Do you have any idea what our children will discover when they type “anal sex” into the search engine?
How come they don’t ask Mom or Dad?
Well . . . would you have asked your mom or dad?
As I sit writing this, in the last month I’ve spoken to twelve- to fourteen-year-olds about sex twice at churches in two different states. Each time a squeaky-voiced middle school boy came up to talk with me afterward, with specific questions, articulate questions . . . embarrassing questions. In these situations, which happen more often than you’d think, if I ask, “Have you talked with your mom or dad about this?” I always get the exact same reaction: a laugh, and then a stare clearly communicating, Are you kidding?
In author Shaunti Feldhahn’s book For Parents Only, she asked teenagers about their communication with their parents. Three out of four kids in her survey said they would like to share things with their parents—as long as they were sure they wouldn’t overreact. In others words, “I’d like to ask Mom this question, but I’m pretty sure she’d flip out.”
Think about how it would look in your home.
“Mom, what’s anal sex?”
“WHAT! Where did you hear that?! Was it Chris? I knew I should never let you hang out with that boy!”
And we wonder why they go to Google.
The plain truth is, the key to talking to our kids about sex is creating a comfortable climate that cultivates calm and continual conversations. (Nice use of alliteration, huh?) Our kids might be a little more inclined to approach us with these questions if we prove to them that we’re not only a good source for truth, but a safe source.
I find these four tips help parents create a comfortable climate of continual communication:
Tip #1: Don’t Overreact
Or as our kids would say, “Don’t freak out!”
I know, I know. This is tough. When my youngest daughter was in fifth grade she came home from school, threw her backpack on the couch, and asked, “Dad, what’s a blow job?”
My ninth-grade son dropped to the ground in hysterics.
How do you respond to that question?
By God’s grace, I was actually calm with my response, probably because I was so excited she felt comfortable enough to ask us those kinds of questions. After twenty years of youth ministry, I have met plenty of young people who know that sex is not a welcome subject in their home.
As calm as possible I asked my daughter, “Well, help me understand the situation so I know better how to answer that.”
Yes . . . I was stalling!
Helpful hint: When your kids shock you or stump you with a question you don’t know how to respond to, stall by asking a question. This will accomplish two things. One, it will buy you time to think. Two, it will give you more context so you know why your kid is asking the question.
That’s what I did. I basically said, “Tell me more.” It’s best to say this not like a parole officer seeking incriminating evidence, but like a psychiatrist gathering information so he can provide better counsel.
She told me she had heard it from a guy named Tyler in her class. We’d heard quite a few stories about this Tyler kid, none of them good.
So I addressed the question the best I could.
“It’s an intimate sexual act that two people do, something that married people might really enjoy. Sometimes people who aren’t married do it as well, but it’s sad, because God really designed intimacy like this for marriage.” I did my best to provide an age-appropriate response. I answered her question honestly, providing as much detail as I felt a fifth-grader needed.
Without any hesitation, Ashley dropped another bomb. “So do you and Mom do it?”
Now I was trying not to drop on the floor in hysterics. But I finally mustered, “Well, intimate acts like that are really private—things husbands and wives get to enjoy together. If they do them, it’s not something they talk about with others. Someday when you get married and you get all huggy and kissy with your husband, you’ll really enjoy getting intimate with him, and . . .”
That’s as far as I got and she thrust her hand in the air. “Enough. I got it.”
These situations aren’t easy. It’s tough being put on the spot. But if we freak out, they won’t put us on the spot anymore, because they won’t want to talk to us at all!
Our kids would love to have someone they can trust to go to with tough questions.
Are you that person? Or do you freak out when they bring up distressing stuff?
Remember to do your best to remain calm, buy time with a question or statement like, “Tell me more,” and try to convert your overreaction into interaction.
And when you do get the opportunity to interact . . . keep the next tip in mind.
Tip #2: Don’t Make Sex “Naughty”
I don’t know how it happened. Maybe it’s a side effect of our puritanical roots. Possibly it’s an attempt to grasp at morality in an overly sexualized culture. Regardless of the cause, many of today’s believers in the United States have stained God’s gift of sex, making it hush-hush, giving it a stigma.
It’s “naughty.”
That’s what we’ve learned, so we tend to not talk about the naughty thing too much.
Think about this for a second. Sex is rampant in our culture, it’s a huge desire for young boys, it’s a huge pressure for young girls . . . and we don’t talk about it! This breeds ignorance in the Christian community. The one subject kids would really like to talk about . . . we hush . . . or only talk about it once for thirty minutes at youth group on Valentine’s Day weekend. The rest of the year, we stifle it and hope they don’t think about it.
News flash: They’re thinking about it frequently. They’re hearing about it repeatedly. They’re seeing images of it on display daily.
All this focus on sex from society stimulates thoughts and questions . . . thoughts and questions they have to keep suppressed because they don’t want to feel naughty.
This creates a negative spiral. When parents see sexual images and hear sexual messages in entertainment media, our response is usually to turn it off or say something negative about it.
“We can’t watch that movie, it has sex in it.”
What do kids hear? Sex is naughty.
“Don’t listen to that song, it’s about sex.”
What do kids hear? Sex is naughty.
Is your car naughty? Are you ashamed to have a driver’s license? Well, the Centers for Disease Control revealed that automobile accidents are the leading cause of death for U.S. teens.3 That’s no joke! Nothing else kills more of our kids than cars.
So why do we drive cars? Shouldn’t we ban all cars since these crashes are taking lives?
I think you get my point. Cars aren’t bad, but when people speed, text, drink, fall asleep at the wheel, or drive unsafe in any way . . . people can die.
Similarly, sex isn’t bad, but when people go outside of God’s design . . . people can literally die. So should we ban God’s gift of sex altogether? Should we hush any conversation about it?
Christians need to stop treating sex like it’s evil.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you should let your kids watch porn or stream raunchy music and listen to Lil Wayne bragging about his exploits with his “ladies.” (He uses a different word.) Far from it. But let’s not confuse sexual perversion with sex.
Sex is amazing!
Sex is God’s gift to married couples.
Sex is not only extremely enjoyable, it bonds husband and wife together.
There’s nothing bad about sex between a husband and a wife.
Movies, TV shows, websites, music videos, and songs often include sexual content and images because they know people enjoy sex and are curious about it. Sadly, much of the sexual imagery we see and hear in entertainment media isn’t God’s design. It’s about people who indulge in sex outside of marriage. It’s about someone who is lusting after someone they’re not married to. It’s perverting God’s original design for sex. It’s putting the wonderful private act of sex on display for others to watch, so something beautiful is distorted to be nothing more than lust.
When we encounter perversions of sex, we should point them out as just that.
That’s too bad. I really like Jess, and this is a cleverly written TV show, but she just keeps hooking up with guys she meets in bars with no apparent consequences. What do you think really happens when people have casual sex with multiple partners? What are the chances of her contracting an STD or encountering emotional regret?
Some parents might even add:
If this show continues to communicate these lies, we probably shouldn’t watch it. I’d hate for you to get the wrong idea about sex. Sex is a great part of the marriage relationship.
Contrast that to if parents erupted, “Jess is a whore from the house of Jezebel. We won’t be watching any of this perversion in this house!”
In other words, “Sex is what naughty people do.”
Message received loud and clear.
I’m guessing that most of you aren’t exploding into tirades about whores or Jezebel. But we might want to reflect on what messages we do communicate about sex.
“I hate all the sex in these shows. We aren’t going to watch that filth!”
“We aren’t going to listen to songs with those dirty sexual lyrics.”
What do our kids hear? Hate . . . sex . . . filth . . . dirty. Bottom line: sex is naughty.
Is it too much of a stretch to consider our kids might even conclude:
When I’m having these sexual thoughts that I struggle with . . . I’m naughty. I better not say anything because I know how Mom and Dad will react.
Learn to be more specific in your objection to inappropriate sexual content. Calmly and casually communicate, “Wow, these music videos are showing a lot of women in provocative situations. What do you think will happen if men frequently watch women in videos like this instead of enjoying their own wives? What does the Bible call that?” (Later in the book we’re going to provide examples of more conversations where you can talk with your kids about “fleeing” these kinds of temptations, and what that actually looks like.)
I know this can be difficult at times. Sex is also something people do in private and can be embarrassing to talk about. Married couples don’t typically open up family dinner conversation with, “Last night your mother and I were . . .” And I’m not suggesting you do.
Let’s just be careful not to distort this amazing gift from God. Don’t confuse your kids by making all sex sound naughty. Instead, help your kids understand what good sex is—between a husband and wife. Then they’ll be able to spot counterfeits on their own. Help them recognize when sex is being exploited and used as mere “eye candy.” Teach them to “flee” visuals that cause them to lust.
As parents, it’s our job to be advocates of the truth. The world will constantly put sex on display and communicate, “Have sex whenever it feels right!” Young people who believe that will end up gravely disappointed in the long run. So we need to be a voice of truth. A big part of that is not misrepresenting sex as something naughty.
Today’s young people are much more likely to talk with someone who isn’t always angry and ranting about sexual immorality. Create a climate that cultivates communication about this awesome gift God has given us. It’s not naughty, and it’s not something we should hush.
In fact, we should keep our eyes open for opportunities to engage in these kinds of conversations.
Tip #3: Keep Your Eyes Open for Natural Springboards
Life is full of little reminders about sex and our sexuality. Use these opportunities to dialogue.
When our kids are young, many of these opportunities will arise when they ask questions. Most children are full of questions.
“Why does my penis get big sometimes?”
“Why do girls have vaginas and boys have penises?”
“What are nipples for?”
Don’t hush these questions; just try your best to answer them calmly. Be honest but brief. No need to go on and on. If you don’t know what to say right away, use the trick of asking a question in response to buy yourself some time.
“That’s a good question. What do you think nipples are for?”
This might only buy you a second or two if they answer, “I don’t know.” At this point, you just have to do your best to answer calmly and scientifically. (We’ll look at more of these tough questions and answers in chapter 12.)
Don’t try to cover all of human sexuality in one talk. Spread it out over numerous little conversations. If your kids are like mine were, they’ll ask questions frequently.
It’s funny, but parents are often scared to answer their kids’ questions. They’re afraid their kids will grow up too soon if they give them information about sexuality.
I asked my friend Marv Penner about this last month when we ate breakfast together at a youth convention where we both spoke. Marv is the director of the Canadian Centre of Adolescent Research. He has more than thirty years in the field, and is the author of The Youth Worker’s Guide to Parent Ministry and Help! My Kids Are Hurting.
I asked Marv, “Parents always ask me, ‘What answer do I give my eight-year-old if they ask questions about sex?’”
Marv didn’t even blink. He just took a bite of his yogurt and said, “Answer whatever your kids are asking!”
Laughing, I asked, “Yeah, but is there a chance parents might mess it up?”
“Sure,” Marv explained, “if they assume that giving kids a knowledge of biology gives them a knowledge of morality.”
That’s why it’s good to not just teach body parts, but include the big picture of how God created us. My friend Jim Burns wrote two books I recommend. God Made Your Body is a fully illustrated book where children ages three to five will learn that boys’ and girls’ bodies are different—and “those differences mean boys and girls can grow up to become daddies and mommies.” How God Makes Babies helps children ages six to nine understand that “God created males and females differently and with a purpose.”
Books like these can help us be proactive about teaching body parts, sexuality, and God’s design.
We need to make sure to have these discussions before our kids hit puberty. Today, puberty typically begins between eight and thirteen for girls, and nine and fifteen for boys. I’ve known girls who found out about menstruation the hard way—one day they found blood in their Hello Kitty panties. My daughter had a friend at school whose parents never talked with her about sexuality or the changes in a girl’s body. She went to the bathroom in the middle of class and discovered blood in her underwear.
To quote my daughter, “She went ballistic!”
Parents can’t ignore these natural landmarks in their kids’ lives. In fact, parents need to be proactively talking about some of these issues rather than reactively trying to explain to their hysterical daughter why her vagina is bleeding.
If a parent has frequent conversations with her daughter about her body, explaining her cycle, menstruation, breast growth, and pubic hair growth, then these changes won’t come as a surprise. And when some of these body changes do happen, use them as natural springboards to talk about sexuality.
Talks about sexuality will open doors to conversations about sex. Sexuality involves conversations about body parts, growth, and the differences between boys and girls. Sex is the act of making love, which can be for pleasure and reproduction. Talks about sexuality don’t always necessitate talking about sex.
When your boy is four and five, you might read an illustrated book to him about the human body. When he’s six and seven, you might end up answering some deeper questions about erections and images he notices. By the time he hits double digits, he might even stop asking questions. That’s when you might need to be the one who initiates these conversations. One way to do that is . . .
Tip #4: Ask, Listen . . . Repeat
Look for opportunities to ask well-placed questions.
Let’s be honest. Even in homes where parents rarely overreact and where the subject of sex isn’t hush-hush, the topic still can be awkward for everyone. We are talking about something very intimate, and as wonderful as sex is, it’s an activity two people do in private.
So don’t expect your twelve-year-old son to walk right up to you and say, “Mom, I feel horny all the time. In fact, I have trouble even walking through the mall without lustful thoughts popping into my head when I pass most store windows. Oh . . . and I masturbate daily.”
Some kids will be this bold—but very few. This is embarrassing subject matter.
That is why many parents avoid the discussions completely. They figure that if their kids need something, they’ll ask.
Sadly, many kids never do.
We can help our kids engage in meaningful conversations about sex by keeping our eyes open for opportunities to ask well-placed questions. Like when a dad notices his twelve-year-old son is beginning to notice pictures of women on the front of magazine covers at the grocery store.
“It seems like these magazines always have a pretty girl on the front of them, huh?”
It’s a harmless question, it’s not accusatory, and it actually doesn’t even require a long answer. It’s mere fishing to see how your son will respond. If he says, “Yuck. Where are the video game magazines?” he might not be interested in girls yet . . . or he could be covering up any embarrassment. Use relaxed, non-confronting questions to fish some more.
If your son agrees with your question and says, “Yeah, and they are always wearing small bikinis,” then you have an open door to a conversation.
“Do many girls at your school wear bikinis at the end-of-the-year party at the water park? . . . Are any of them pretty?”
Don’t worry. You aren’t leading your kid down a path of lust; you’re just letting him know it’s okay to talk to you about his feelings, including how he feels about the opposite sex.
If your son’s face lights up and he acknowledges his interest in girls, then you might have found an open door to talk about how God made us.
“God made women pretty like that, and someday you might find a woman you are really attracted to—not just her looks, but everything about her. Have you ever felt that way about a girl?”
Give a little bit of information, and then ask a question to check in and see if he is tracking with you. That might lead you to a conversation about a girl he likes. Maybe you’ll have a chance to share a little more.
“Someday you’ll probably even fall in love with a woman and marry her. Marriage is cool, because married people commit to become not only best friends, but to love each other intimately. Hugs, kisses . . . and much more. What do you think of that?”
Again, a little more information, followed by a question.
No need to rush into the full-scale explanation of intercourse every time. Remember, we don’t need to have just one “sex talk.” Today’s kids need hundreds.
When kids are younger, it’s okay to say things like “married people hug, kiss, and much more.” One day, your kid will ask you, “What do you mean more?” That’s a great cue that they’re ready to hear a little more about God’s design. If you don’t know exactly how much they have already heard about sex, just ask them when the subject arises. Whenever they are introduced to their first sex education class at school—usually around fourth or fifth grade, ask them, “What did you learn today?”
Remember, school often will teach them the biology but not the morality. Kids might learn how the body works, but they typically won’t hear the answers to specific questions like, When is it okay to have sex? How do I know how far I should go with my boyfriend or girlfriend? Or even, Where do I look to find the truth about these issues? Parents can help their kids discover the truth to these common questions.
I’ll outline what some of these conversations look like in the next few chapters, but you can also use resources written directly to your teens and tweens, like my book Sex Matters, which clearly presents God’s design for sex, answering questions like “Should I wait?” and “How far is too far?” It even has discussion questions at the end of each chapter. Books like this can be great ways to discuss biblical truth with your kids.
Create a comfortable climate that cultivates continued conversations. Not one sex talk, but an ongoing dialogue.
You can keep using this approach, and if your kid is putting up huge walls and changing the subject, then back off. Try again another time.
Don’t let the content scare you off. My friend Marv, whom I quoted earlier in this chapter, said, “Talking with your kids about sex has little to do with the content but everything to do with the quality of the relationship.” I can’t agree more. Don’t worry about being eloquent or giving the perfect presentation. Just love your kids and be there for them. Keep your eyes open for these opportunities and make them feel noticed and heard.
Questions help us with the listening part. They keep us in check to make sure that we don’t lecture blindly. Questions help us move from monologue to dialogue.
Most homes probably have a little too many monologues, where Dad or Mom is lecturing. I know I could have been blamed for this many times in my home. Mere lectures often miss the mark, because they don’t stop and take the pulse of the listener.
Parents should try a little more listening than lecturing. Dialogue is waaaaaaaaay more effective than monologue.
When it comes to talking about sex, look for open doors and ask a question. If the time is right, provide a little bit of information followed by a question. Question, info, question . . .
I gave the example of a dad talking with his son. This works with our daughters too.
“Why do you think she’s dressed like that in most of her music videos?”
“I don’t know.” (A common answer.)
“What do you think most guys are thinking when they see her dressed like that?”
“They probably like it.”
“So do you think we should all dress like that, so guys will like us?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
The conversation could take a million turns. Fish with a question, provide a little information, followed by another question. (We’ll look more at these kinds of conversations with our daughters in chapter 6.)
The more we have these conversations, the easier it will be for our kids to talk with us. Give them opportunities to test the waters. Prove you won’t freak out. Make them feel unconditionally loved and unquestionably accepted, not naughty, when they have sexual thoughts or desires. And demonstrate that you are easy to talk to because you listen and provide relevant information.
Become a safe voice in your kids’ lives, and next time they have a question about sex . . . maybe they’ll come to you instead of Google.