More than just a sex object
Have you shopped for Halloween costumes for your daughter recently?
My own teenage girls love costumes, so they are quick to grab the Party City costume insert in the paper each week during the month of October. The front page always features some of the popular costumes for girls. Naughty Nurse. Racy Referee. I’m not making this up. Some of these might as well be in the Victoria’s Secret catalog.
Whatever happened to good ol’ princess costumes? Anyone? How about a clown?
Halloween is one of those times where the pressure is on young girls to be sexy. Cady nailed it in the cult classic film Mean Girls when she said, “In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.”
If you don’t believe me, just Google “teenage Halloween costumes” and click on the first thing you see. Rows upon rows of the same slinky outfits.
These are for teenagers?
And who says our girls are going to just shop in the “teen section” of the catalog? Most high school girls won’t hesitate to flip the page, browsing through the costumes for all ages. How about Mile High Captain or Dirty Cop? (I don’t have to explain what these costumes look like, do I?)
Can we please stop marketing this stuff to our kids?
Now, I don’t want to be a whiner or a complainer—there are enough of them around. But at what point do moms and dads need to just step in and say “No”?
Seriously . . . when?
Too Sexy Too Soon
Sadly, this problem is not unique to Halloween. If you’ve been to a mall or flipped through the clothing ads lately, you’ve noticed that most girls’ clothing has become increasingly skimpier and sexier, prompting many parents to question, Is this making our daughters too sexy too soon?
We could point fingers at the extreme examples like Abercrombie & Fitch, who not only have been criticized for selling thong underwear in children’s sizes with the words “eye candy” and “wink wink,” but also came under fire when they marketed push-up triangle bikini tops to girls as young as seven. (What exactly would second-grade girls push up?) Sure, Abercrombie is guilty of being ultra-risqué . . . but have you shopped for girls’ clothing at any store lately?
I go shopping with my daughters often, and let me just say . . . It’s becoming more and more difficult to find modest clothes. Some parents are getting fed up with this corporate pedophilia.
Don’t worry, I’m not one of those dads who is making his daughter wear turtlenecks and full-length skirts that cover the ankles, but at the same time, I’m not really excited about how short shorts are actually getting. And how provocative do tops have to be? Today’s dads find themselves asking, Am I comfortable with my daughter’s cleavage hanging out?
The fashion world is putting the pressure on, nudging young girls to get too sexy too soon, and most girls have opted in.
Scratch that.
Most parents have opted in. It would be a little narrow of me to put the blame on our kids, or on clothing companies that pimp this kind of stuff to our daughters, when it is we, the parents of these girls, who are “lowering the bar” and actually purchasing it. This is yet another instance when parents need to consider the consequences that go along with lowering their standards like this.
Perhaps we need to stop lowering the bar.
Sexualization
We’re witnessing the symptoms of a society that values sexuality over other characteristics. It’s what the American Psychological Association (APA) defines as “sexualization.”
It starts with the normal feelings of insecurity.
Am I pretty enough?
Do I measure up?
These are the questions young girls ask themselves when they look in the mirror, touching up makeup, running the flatiron through their hair that one last time, trying to make it perfect. Any father of teen and tween girls has witnessed this. Even the most beautiful of today’s young girls often struggle with feelings of “too fat,” “too much acne,” “small boobs,” etc.
Where are they getting these ideas? What kind of standard are they trying to measure up to?
Psychologist and author Vivian Diller, PhD, gives us some insight in her article “Sex and the Single Teen: Internet Porn and Body Image”:
I believe the distorted, enhanced imagery burdens teenage girls with unrealistic expectations about beauty and body image and with damaging ideas about what is attractive and sexually appealing to others. From the perfect waif-like models in teen magazines to the perfectly voluptuous ones on internet porn, the common theme is that these body shapes are unrealistic and unattainable.1
So what do our girls do when they feel like they can’t measure up?
Enter “sexualization” stage left.
The APA actually released a report titled, “The Sexualization of Girls,” defining sexualization as “When a person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics . . . a person is sexually objectified—that is, made into a thing for another’s sexual use.”2
If you want to see examples of this, just click on any of the most popular music videos on iTunes or YouTube (our kids are). You’ll see plenty of women dressed in hyper-sexualized outfits.
Why? Is their dancing alone not good enough? Are the vocals not compelling enough? Do we need to sprinkle in a little bit of sexually provocative material to spice it up?
Lady Gaga readily admits to using these kinds of tactics: “I was 19 and I was playing a show where I was supposed to debut all this new material. When I sat down to play I couldn’t get everyone to stop talking so I took off all my clothes. Works every time.”3
Anyone who has seen Lady Gaga perform has witnessed this sexualization. She is an amazing singer and entertainer, but, to borrow from the APA’s definition, she continues to “value her sexual appeal and behavior” over other characteristics. Gaga is sexually objectified in most of her music videos.
Our daughters are bombarded with these subtle media messages daily, clearly communicating: You need to be sexy. You need to dress risqué. If they walk through the mall, the posters are screaming the same messages: You need to be thin. You need to have perfect skin. You need to show cleavage.
Our daughters are slowly becoming sexualized.
According to the APA’s research, the consequences of sexualization are “negative effects in a variety of domains, including cognitive functioning, physical and mental health, sexuality and attitudes and beliefs.”
As parents, we’ve probably seen these effects firsthand. Many of our daughters are buying the lies of the media. The media is offering sexualization as the solution to insecurity.
It works like this, girls think: Guys notice me when I’m overtly sexual (revealing tops, short shorts, provocative words and actions), and being noticed is what I want, right?
The world is beginning to value sexual appeal and behavior to the exclusion of other characteristics. It’s up to parents to teach their daughters what is truly valuable.
Teaching Our Girls They Are Valuable
How do we teach our daughters that they are not sex objects? I mean, seriously. What does this actually look like?
I see four ways to teach our girls that their value isn’t determined by their sex appeal.
1. Teach Our Daughters to Recognize Lies
Our daughters are bombarded with lies far more than they hear the truth. We need to teach them to recognize these clever lies.
Think about the typical day for the average teenage girl and how much of her time involves listening to music. The average eight- to eighteen-year-old in America listens to two hours and thirty-one minutes of music per day.4 Do you want to know what they’re listening to? Look at your daughter’s favorite playlist on her phone. If she’s like most of the girls today, that list might look a lot like the top music on Spotify, iTunes, or the Billboard Hot 100 at any given time. I’m looking at that list right now, and it’s full of songs with two basic themes:
Interestingly enough, the first category is usually full of lies, telling listeners that the quick thrill is worth it, and consequences are rarely seen. The second category, however, often tells the truth, expressing the feelings of pain, loneliness, and regret (often the result of the activities in the first category).
Let’s take a look at a prominent song from each category. Katy Perry’s “Last Friday Night” is a perfect example of a song from the last decade that focuses on the temporary thrills in life. Why is this song a big deal? Well, Perry’s 2010 album Teenage Dream made history in 2011 when “Last Friday Night” went number one, the fifth song on the album to do so. No artist has done that since Michael Jackson in the eighties. Perry was the first female artist to achieve that.
Like much of Katy’s work, the song and video were really well done, but they were also chock-full of subtle lies that young people consumed a gallon at a time.
The lyrics say it all, opening with the line, “There’s a stranger in my bed.”
Unfortunately, the song only digresses, talking about streaking, skinny dipping, and having a ménage à trois. Since the song didn’t have any actual swear words, it wasn’t labeled “EXPLICIT” and it played in every WalMart, Target, and school campus that played music.
As the song ends, Katy says she’ll do it all again “next Friday night.”
This is a great illustration of the irresponsible lyrics that our teenagers marinate in daily. The message is clear: Enjoy all these risky behaviors (sleep with a stranger, streak, skinny dip, do a threesome, break the law), and after reflecting on your experience, plan on doing it all over again.
The subtle message is, “These temporary thrills are worth it.” (I don’t know how accurate it is to even call these messages “subtle.” They are pretty obvious.)
That’s just one of the most popular songs from the last decade. You’ll find plenty just like it (or much worse) in the top playlists young people stream today.
But there’s a second category of music that our girls are hearing, and that’s the music that expresses pain and regret. Adele’s award-winning album 21 is a sample of this category. This well-written album reveals the real pain that Adele felt during a breakup. Listeners related to feelings of loneliness, hurt, and regret. That’s probably why it was the best-selling album in 2011 and 2012, won a Grammy for “Album of the Year” in 2012, and in 2014 became the first-ever digital album to sell three million copies.
Songs like these always frequent the charts. Consider Eminem and Rihanna’s song and music video “Love the Way You Lie,” a graphic depiction of the pain and abuse that some endure in relationships. Or look at Pink’s “Perfect.” This music video paints a realistic picture of a girl who never felt like she measured up to the expectations put on her. (My older daughter, Alyssa, and I actually had a great talk after watching that video together.)
The pain and hurt expressed in most of these songs is very authentic. The problem is, most of these songs don’t provide any answers, just questions, and many times a nostalgic look back on temporary thrills that helped the artist endure the pain.
You can learn a lot from the music your kids stream from their phones. I often have told parents at my parenting workshops, “The iPhone is the window to the heart.” That’s why it’s good for parents to always have the passwords to their kids’ phones. A quick glimpse at the most played songs in their music library can tell you a lot.
It’s important to have frequent discussions with our daughters about what they’re listening to and teach them how to make good entertainment media decisions. These conversations will be stifled if we “freak out.” So remember what we discussed in chapter 3 about creating a climate that cultivates conversations. We need to raise their awareness about the lies they are being exposed to, and equip them to recognize lies and search for the truth.
I think of the passage of Scripture where Paul is encouraging the people of Ephesus to be unified and grow in maturity in Christ. He tells them, when they mature in their knowledge in Christ . . .
Then we will no longer be immature like children. We won’t be tossed and blown about by every wind of new teaching. We will not be influenced when people try to trick us with lies so clever they sound like the truth.
Ephesians 4:14
Parents need to guide their daughters on this road to maturity, helping them recognize the lies that sound like the truth. I’ve talked with my daughters about sexualization. I point it out when I see it. More important, I ask them questions to get them to start recognizing lies and thinking through the consequences.
Moms and dads can do this while walking through the mall together:
“What do you think the dress on that mannequin is communicating to guys?”
“Do you think girls really want to communicate that?”
“What are some of the consequences that could result from communicating that message?”
You can ask questions while watching TV or movies together:
“Why do you think he is trying so hard to get her to come back to his apartment?”
“We know that sex is an awesome gift God has given to married couples; what are some of the consequences of having sex with just anyone you meet at a bar?”
“Do you think she was looking for sex or for love?”
The key is to frequently engage our kids in meaningful conversations. Make these conversations a dialogue, not a monologue. Use plenty of thought-provoking questions that get them talking and us listening (my previous book, Get Your Teenagers Talking, provides you with 180 of these discussion springboards).
This doesn’t mean we should point out girls in short skirts and say, “Look at those sluts!” Far from it. Walk that line Jesus walked: compassionate toward the lost, yet not afraid to stand for the truth. So be careful not to be judgmental or condescending toward others when you’re helping your own kids understand modesty.
Ask girls questions so that they’ll begin to recognize lies when they see them. Your goal is to prepare them for the day they leave your house and are making these decisions on their own. Are you preparing them for that day? Does your daughter spot sexualization when she sees it?
There is a second way to teach our girls that their value stretches way beyond sex appeal.
2. Help Our Girls Recognize True Value
In the same way we help them recognize lies, we need to help them recognize the truth.
In a world full of lies, parents need to become a source of truth. The world tells our daughters that outward appearance and sexiness are of the utmost importance, but parents can and should teach their daughters that their value comes from much more than sex appeal and sexual behavior. In fact, “People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7).
If we go back to the APA’s definition of sexualization, we’ll notice that the world tends to value our daughters’ “sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics.” We can help our daughters begin to know and experience that they are so much more than sex objects by encouraging them in those “other characteristics.”
Does she like singing? Give her voice lessons.
Does she show artistic promise? Let her try some art classes.
Is she an athlete? Sign her up for soccer. Give her the chance to experience the camaraderie of being on a team.
Did she get good grades? Take her out for a family celebration when her report card comes out.
Help your daughter understand that life is much more than just being a sex object. Affirm her in her values, skills, and behaviors.
Yes . . . I just used the word values.
Sports, school, and art can be really rewarding activities, but don’t forget to affirm your daughter where it matters most . . . her character. Who she is inside.
Teach your daughter to live for eternity, not temporary pleasures. The world loves to focus on the now, pretending there are no consequences. Sadly, the consequences always do come.
We need to teach our daughters the joy of living a life of faith, one that recognizes there is much more to this world than just the temporary stuff we see all around us.
Hebrews 11:1 defines faith in a way that looks beyond the quick thrill: “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.”
Sometimes we get distracted by temporary pleasures. Other times we grow fatigued with struggles. That’s where faith comes in. We can teach our daughters that the drama, struggles, and trials they’re experiencing are only temporary and are shaping them to be women of God! We can help them learn to live with an eternal focus.
When our daughters start living for God instead of for themselves, they’ll experience an incredible joy.
Affirm your daughter when she shares, talks respectfully, or obeys. Catch her doing something right. All the while, be looking for her areas of strength. If you see she is gifted in the area of compassion, give her an opportunity to use it and experience the joy God gives when we serve him in our strengths.
Mission trips and service opportunities are great ways to help our daughters see true value. Every time our family has helped serve food to homeless people through our church, I’ve noticed something. Not only do my kids get a chance to make a difference in someone else’s life, but they forget about their own trivial problems and insecurities for an evening as they selflessly serve others.
Funny how that works. When God uses us to reach out to the poor and needy, our own issues just don’t seem like such a big deal.
Encourage your daughter to look for these values in a future spouse as well. The world is constantly telling us that men should be rich, powerful, athletic, or the life of the party. As your daughter matures, ask her what qualities she would like to see in her future spouse. Ask her if she had the choice of athleticism or commitment to marriage, which would she choose? Help her look for values like compassion, spiritual maturity, integrity, and a passion for God. Help her look for a guy who wants more than just sex.
Look for every opportunity to help your daughter begin to know and experience that she is much more than a sex object.
3. Teach Girls to Dress Modestly
Another way to do this is to teach modesty and discretion.
Earlier in this chapter I pointed the finger back at ourselves. It’s parents who have lowered the bar and allowed their daughters to buy in to the lie of sexualization. And it’s up to parents to step in and say, “No, you don’t need to wear that low-cut top and show your cleavage to get the attention of guys. That’s the wrong kind of attention.”
This isn’t easy. It’s hard to find clothes that aren’t overtly sexual, and at the same time . . . aren’t hideously ugly.
How can we teach our girls to walk this line?
We could be like the one mother we all know at church who always dresses her daughter in Amish-like apparel. I know her daughter well. (I’ve met hundreds of them when I was speaking at camps and youth events across the country.) When this young girl turns eighteen, she’s most likely going to rebel completely. She’s already started.
Or I guess we can do the opposite and be like the overly permissive parents of many of the girls we see on public high school campuses—girls who hardly wear anything at all.
Parents have a choice to make. Are we supposed to sway to either of these extremes? Is there a modest balance?
First, I don’t think we need to overreact to either extreme mentioned above. Personally, I don’t see the need to wrap up our girls head to toe. I’ve had numerous conversations with my girls about the way they dress, explaining to them the simple truth that it affects the guys around them. I’ve talked about how visual guys are and how short skirts and revealing tops really affect them. Dads can offer a unique perspective to their daughters. They can give their girls a glimpse into the mind of a guy.
This isn’t just one conversation. Parents should regularly engage in these conversations when they read an article or see an example in the media. Don’t lecture in these situations; instead, ask questions. When I first read the APA’s sexualization report, I used it as an opportunity for dialogue, asking my girls their opinion on the subject. I asked them questions like:
“What are some examples you see of sexualization?”
“Why do you think girls buy in to this lie that they are only valuable as sex objects?”
“How can girls avoid selling out to this lie?”
“What are some specific actions you might need to take this week to avoid selling out to this lie?”
The goal is to teach our kids good decision making so they can eventually make these choices on their own, hopefully with plenty of opportunities to try out some of this decision making while still in the home. In our house, these have been good conversations.
Does that mean we never had disagreements about apparel in my house? Ha! I wish. We had to remind our girls quite often, helping them choose modest clothing.
My girls didn’t always agree with our rules, but that’s okay. We set realistic guidelines, discussed them together, and explained why they existed. Most of the time, my girls were pretty cool with that.
When they were younger, we bought their clothes for them, teaching them modesty and engaging in frequent conversations about it. As they became older, we let them make many of these decisions on their own so they could experience the decision-making process.
Every once in a great while we stepped in with veto power, but rarely. Once our daughters were seventeen and a half, they made all these decisions completely on their own.
We called it “no rules at seventeen and a half.” The concept is simple. We started strict when our girls were little, but we slowly lightened up with our guidelines, teaching them to make decisions on their own. At seventeen and a half, while they still lived at home, they experienced “no rules.”
Yes, some people thought we were crazy. But think about it. When kids are eighteen years old they can join the Marines, move out, and do whatever they want! Why not prepare them for that power just six months early while they are still living in the safety of our home? We can’t make all the decisions for our kids their entire lives. We need to prepare them to make good decisions on their own.
Are you teaching your girls how to dress modestly?
Will they choose to dress modestly when they are in their college dorm choosing their own outfits?
Remember the big picture. We’re trying to teach our daughters they have waaaaaaaay more value than just their sexuality.
There is one more way I’ve found to teach our girls that they are valuable.
4. Teach Our Daughters They Are Beautiful
“Show me a girl who dresses like that, and I’ll show you a girl whose father was absent.” That’s what my friend Ray said. I didn’t believe him when he said it. I thought the statement was dogmatic and shallow. How can he make such a generalization!
I was only a few years into youth ministry and hadn’t spent much time with teenagers. Years passed, and as my wife and I ministered to a growing number of teenage girls who dressed risqué and craved sexual attention, we began to notice a common denominator: the absent dad.
Perhaps Ray was right.
The most common example was the dad who was literally absent. He either abandoned the family or never saw the kids because of the way the divorce or separation was finalized. Mom was left to raise the kids, and in many cases, the young girl began seeking male attention wherever she could get it.
This is sad to witness. Girls want to be noticed. Dads who are absent leave a void.
But sometimes we saw the phenomena of the emotionally absent dad. Dad was in the living room but he never talked to his daughter, never went to her softball games, and never told her she was beautiful. These dads weren’t much better than the physically absent dads. Their daughters were just as desperate for attention, and if Dad wasn’t giving it, they sought it elsewhere.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not discounting the power of Mom here. Mom’s role is huge and vitally important. In fact, she typically will be the one having more of those conversations mentioned above about modesty as they shop together and have girl-to-girl time. And moms can definitely help affirm their girls’ beauty as well. But I’m going to focus more attention on dads in this fourth way we can teach our girls value, because dads have the unique role of demonstrating to our girls how they should be treated by men.
Dads, one way we can do this is by “dating” our daughters.
Don’t let the word date scare you. Dads have the opportunity to take their daughters out for lunch, movies, mini golf, hiking . . . you name it. Show your girls how they are supposed to be treated by a male.
I’m far from a perfect dad, but once, Ashley, my youngest, was telling her sister about a guy who didn’t open the door for her “like Dad does.” She saw me opening the car door for my wife when our family went out for dinner and she thought, I’m going to find me a man like that.
That made me feel pretty good.
When we date our daughters, listen to them, laugh with them, and pay attention to them . . . we respect them for who they truly are. Our attention to them affirms them in the areas of their true beauty. And that makes our girls feel pretty special.
Dads can make a huge difference in the lives of their kids.
Sometimes dads make the mistake of taking the backseat in raising their kids. We can’t. Girls need their daddies. All too often, Daddy isn’t there, physically or emotionally. I witnessed this sad situation too many times to count in my twenty years of youth ministry. And I still see it today in the lives of many of my own daughters’ friends. It’s a little scary how physical some of these young girls get and how comfortable they are with any male attention.
I heard someone say, “If dads don’t touch their daughters, other guys will.”
I remember thinking that sounded a little creepy. I don’t like thinking about a father’s compassionate, loving touch in comparison to the hormone-induced touch of some pubescent boyfriend. But realistically, if dads don’t hug their daughters, demonstrating true love and affection . . . their daughters will look for it in the wrong places.
I think many fathers underestimate the impact they have on their kids.
U.S. News highlighted a review of thirteen different studies about the effect fathers had on the sexual behavior of their kids. The review found the father’s role significant in kids’ development. In fact, all thirteen studies suggested that “communication between fathers and kids is especially influential.”5
As I was writing this, I took my friend Travis to lunch and asked him how to counter this tendency for girls to act out sexually. Travis is a psychologist and has counseled families for years. Without any hesitation he responded, “Dad having a good relationship with his daughter so she has value for who she is. Today’s girls need males who model healthy relationships.”
I pushed back a little bit. “What about single moms?”
“Get your daughter involved in youth group, sports, etc., where they can encounter good male role models. Maybe an uncle, coach, teacher, etc.”
Single moms need to be very selective about who they date and who they bring into the house as a role model. Is this a man you want influencing your kids?
In Dr. Meg Meeker’s book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, she contends that a daughter’s relationship with her dad is much more important than most people realize. “To become a strong, confident woman, a daughter needs her father’s attention, protection, courage, and wisdom.”
It’s as simple as this: Our girls need to hear that they are beautiful. They need to feel safe. They need male attention and advice. They can either hear it from their dads . . . or they’ll seek it somewhere else.
Dads need to do more than just tell their daughters that they are beautiful; they need to treat them like they’re beautiful. This is much deeper than just opening the car door for them (although that’s a great practice). This means devoting ourselves to something that most men are terrible at: noticing.
Men need to learn the secret of noticing. This simple but amazing tool opens up doors in any relationship (marriage, friendships), but it works especially well with teenage girls because:
1. They crave to be noticed . . .
and . . .
2. Not a lot of people take time to notice them . . . other than predators.
Scary thought, huh?
Okay, I’ll step off my soapbox about dads. Moms can help build value in this area as well. After all, noticing is a powerful tool. Both moms and dads can say “I love you” and “You are beautiful” in a more powerful way by simply noticing. Here are some examples of noticing your daughter throughout the day:
NOTICE HER HAIR OR MAKEUP IN A POSITIVE WAY.
What to do: “Wow, I like that color eyeliner; it really brings out your gorgeous eyes!”
What not to do: “Did you do something different with your hair?” (Moms would probably vouch for me here that we should never ask a question to a female that is subject to interpretation. Especially a pubescent female!)
SIT DOWN WITH HER AND JUST LISTEN
What to do: If your daughter is sitting at the kitchen table eating a snack by herself, sit down with her, look her in the eyes, and ask her, “So what’s been the best part of your day so far?” If that works, you can follow up with “What’s been the worst?”
What not to do: Don’t ask a question as you pass by. Instead, sit down and look her in the eyes, giving her your full attention.
NOTICE HER OUTFIT
What to do: “That jacket is really cute on you. Is that new? Wow, I like it.”
What not to do: “What made you wear that?” (Again, I’ve learned to never ask a question to a female that hints skepticism. The best way to play it safe is to realize that your daughter might be on the edge of tears about her outfit and could cry at any moment!)
SHOW UP AT HER SPORTING EVENTS OR PLAYS
What to do: Show up, cheer, and take her out for a fun snack afterward.
What not to do: Don’t make the mistake of believing her when she tells you, “You don’t have to come.” Be there anyway. She might not even realize that she wants you there.
BUY HER SOMETHING THAT YOU KNOW SHE WANTS
What to do: If you see her consistently looking at a pair of shoes in a catalog or the Sunday ads, then surprise her and buy her the shoes. Or better yet, say, “I noticed you’ve been eyeing those Vans in the Sunday ads. Whadaya say we go out and get them, and then get some ice cream on the way home!”
What not to do: Don’t just guess at what she wants. Only buy something if you know she wants it. Or you can take her shopping and let her choose. Take notice of what she likes for next time.
When we take the time to notice our girls, we are telling them we love them and care about them. We are telling them that they are valuable!
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More Valuable Than . . .
A dad walked up to me after one of my parent workshops and we began dialoguing about how important it is to show our daughters they are valuable. He shared with me a story that happened in his home.
He described his relationship with his daughter as “so-so.” The two of them talked occasionally, but never really deep. This dad didn’t point the blame at anyone but himself. “I wasn’t always the best listener,” he shared candidly. “But then something happened last summer.
“My daughter came to me when I was working on the family’s bills,” he explained. “My kids had learned not to bug me during this time, sort of an unspoken rule. But for some reason, my daughter needed to talk, saw me sitting there with my checkbook open, with my bank statements and calculator all spread across the kitchen table. She simply said, ‘Dad, I need to talk.’
“And that’s when it happened,” he said with a nod. “I don’t know why I did this simple little gesture, but for some reason, I took my hand and slid all my paperwork aside, placed my elbows on the table, and said, ‘Sure, sit down.’
“She sat down, we had the most amazing talk, and then I finished doing the bills. The conversation probably only took about twenty minutes, but it changed our relationship.”
“How?” I asked curiously.
“She told her mom about it later that night. She said, ‘Dad actually moved the bills aside and just listened.’ There was something about me physically sliding all that stuff aside that communicated to her, You are more important than all this stuff! It changed our relationship forever. We can talk now like we’ve never talked before.”
I’ll never forget this guy’s simple little experience.
Sometimes it’s the simple gestures that tell our daughters, You are valuable.
What do you need to slide out of the way?