Answering difficult questions about sex and intimacy
“Is it okay if I masturbate to keep from looking at porn?”
“Is it wrong if I am attracted to someone of the same sex?”
“I just want to be loved, and the only way guys want me is if I give them sex. Does God want me to be alone?”
These are the kinds of questions asked by many young people today . . . and these questions, and more, are exactly what we’re going to answer in this chapter.
Celebrate Questions
We can engage in countless conversations with our kids and they’ll still come up and ask us tough questions. Sometimes these are questions we might feel like we’ve covered time and time again. But don’t let this distress you.
Questions mean you are a safe person to ask.
Questions mean you have created a comfortable climate where conversation is welcomed.
So don’t be concerned when your kids ask you, “Is oral sex wrong?” The fact is, they are asking you! Celebrate the question.
In this chapter, I’ll include the most common questions I’ve heard from young people in the last decade, and I’ll also include many of the questions submitted by my blog readers at JonathanMcKeeWrites.com. I appealed to them, “Gimme the most common sex questions young people ask today,” and they sent me a copious amount of current questions.
But before we dig in, let’s remember a few principles that will help us keep these communication channels open:
1. Don’t Freak Out:
Yes, I’ve already said it countless times in this book. But one last reminder doesn’t hurt. Take a deep breath and thank God that your kids are asking you this question. Our calm responses will keep them coming to us.
2. Tell Me More:
If you are shocked by what they ask or you don’t know the answer . . . stall! Say, “Tell me more about the context of this question so I can better answer it.” Or feel free to just pause and say, “Great question. Hmmmmm. Let me think about that one for a moment.” If you need more time to think about it or research it, tell them that. Or one better . . .
3. What do you think?
Let’s face it, we aren’t always going to be there. Someday they’ll be in a college dorm, an army barracks, a nightclub (hopefully not, but possible), and they are going to have to ask themselves, “What is right?” Delight at every chance you get to help them practice problem solving and decision making. Ask them what they think. Ask them what the Bible says about it. Get them used to learning how to discover answers.
So be prepared when your eighth-grade boy asks you, “If God only wants marriage to be for one man and one woman, how come almost every Bible hero has several wives?” Don’t freak out. Tell him, “Great question.” And if you need some time to think about the answer, ask him, “What do you think?”
Let’s dig in.
Questions We’ve Already Answered
I’ll start with some of the common questions that we’ve already touched on in this book. I’ll answer them briefly, since they’ve been answered in detail elsewhere, then I’ll tell you where you can read and review the answer.
Why should I wait until marriage to have sex? All my friends are doing it.
This is the most common question young people ask today. That’s why we dedicated an entire chapter to this question—chapter 4. In fact, we answered this question biblically, scientifically, and logically.
I’ve already had sex; why bother to save myself anymore?
This is such a common question among young people. Sadly, many young people have a past and they think, I’m already damaged goods.
We covered the answer to this question extensively in chapter 11. No sin has dirtied us beyond redemption. Jesus offers us freedom from our past, and he wants us to trust him with our future. Past missteps don’t justify future mistakes.
Is masturbation wrong?
We covered this question in detail in chapter 10. It’s wrong when we lust, and most masturbation involves lust.
We answered this question pretty clearly in chapters 4 and 5. Sex isn’t just intercourse, it’s an intimate process that begins when people “initiate the launch sequence.” Anyone who has ever been in a moment of passion, even with all their clothes on, would attest to the intensity and heat of the moment. It’s difficult to stop, simply because it’s a process that’s not supposed to be stopped. Anyone in that situation is clearly thinking sexual thoughts, and those moments are supposed to be reserved for marriage. When sexual thoughts are outside of marriage, they are lust.
So call me crazy when I label it sexual immorality when two teenagers lie down on a couch with their clothes on and make out passionately. Some thought Jesus was crazy when he told them, “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28).
So what counts as sex? Any intimate physical activity that starts the engines roaring. These moments are meant for marriage, and they’re amazing!
How far can I go?
This is very similar to the previous question. And we dedicated all of chapter 5 to answering it. The answer is, As far as you’d go in front of your grandmother.
What about abuse/rape?
We covered this common question in chapter 11. Jesus can heal us from past hurt and give us a fresh start.
This kind of hurt is never easy. There is no magic Band-Aid that makes it all better after one application. Healing takes time. So when you feel hopeless or ashamed, remember the three steps in chapter 11: report it, seek help, and focus on the future.
And don’t forget to ask God for his help. Pray and specifically ask him for deliverance from feelings of guilt and shame. God can carry you through these tough times. Some of us don’t reach out to him until we need him, but that doesn’t stop him from being there.
Corrie ten Boom, a wise woman imprisoned for helping Jews escape the Nazi Holocaust, said, “You may never know that Jesus is all you need, until Jesus is all you have.”
Jesus offers a fresh start for everyone.
Everyone.
New Questions
Here are some more questions young people commonly ask, along with some biblical answers.
Is it okay to send each other sexy pictures on our phones?
My guess is our kids already know the answer to this question.
Sure, the Bible doesn’t say, “Thou shalt not sendeth naked pictures.” True. But let’s break this down from what we know the Bible does say.
If a girl sends her boyfriend a sexy picture, he is going to be tempted to lust, and lust is sin. We are supposed to flee this kind of temptation.
If a guy sends a girl a sexy picture, first, he’s confused—most girls aren’t visual like this. But second, if a girl is actually turned on by this, then she’s lusting, and she shouldn’t be doing it.
Sadly, a recent study showed that over half of teenagers have received or sent either sexually suggestive texts or pictures.1 Similar studies show those teens are four to six times more likely to have sex than those teens who don’t.2 Think about it. If young people are thinking about sex and flirting with their girlfriend or boyfriend with sexually explicit messages, those actions eventually progress to something more—the complete opposite of fleeing sexual temptation.
So no, our kids shouldn’t send sexy pictures until they’re married. And even then, I would warn them to be careful sending sexy pictures to their spouse because for whatever reason, those pictures have the potential of getting out. That kind of fun should be saved for the bedroom, where there’s no chance of pictures showing up on the Internet someday and ruining their life.
Can I have sex when I’m engaged?
This is another great question, and it’s usually asked by someone who doesn’t necessarily want to know the truth as much as they want to find some justification for their actions. How do I know this? Because not only have I addressed this question from young men countless times . . . I asked this question myself when I was engaged! (And I only wanted to hear one answer.)
Sometimes young people will even arm themselves with verses to support their claim. And in today’s world, they can Google it and find someone who argues premarital sex for engaged couples. The logic usually sounds something like this:
In Bible times, the betrothal period was very much like our engagement, and as we know from Deuteronomy 20:7, it’s okay to sleep with our fiancé during this period. We’ve both been pure so far, so now that we’ve found that special someone and have committed to each other in this engagement, isn’t it okay to go ahead and share that intimate bond? After all, it’s for two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together, right? And we are exactly that! Who says we need to wait for a piece of paper when it’s really God who joins us together?
Yeah . . . I’ve heard all of that, including the very poor interpretation of Deuteronomy 20:7.
First, let’s be clear. God’s plan for marriage is unmistakable in the Bible. Reread chapter 4 of this book. It’s all laid out. Husband and wife. Not fiancés.
Second, the betrothal period was way more serious than an engagement. It’s hardly a comparison. It was a very serious commitment, so much so that you actually had to divorce to get out of it. You might recall the example of Mary and Joseph. Joseph was “pledged to be married” to Mary (Matthew 1:18 NIV), but then she got pregnant: “Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly” (Matthew 1:19 NIV).
This “divorce” was from the betrothal. Serious stuff.
Third, it wasn’t God’s plan for betrothed couples to have sex. People might try to cite verses like Deuteronomy 20:7 that seem like exceptions, but look up that verse for yourself. Depending on the version you have, it will read something like this:
Has anyone here just become engaged to a woman but not yet married her? Well, you may go home and get married! You might die in the battle and someone else would marry her.
Deuteronomy 20:7
Some think that this can be interpreted as “go home and sleep with her.”
It’s funny how people love to try to find one exception from an Old Testament civil or ceremonial law and use it as the justification for their actions rather than seeking what God’s Word says repeatedly throughout Scripture: No sex outside of marriage, either adultery or sexual immorality. In chapter 4 of this book we looked at numerous verses sharing this truth, including Hebrews 13:4, addressing both adultery and fornication: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (NIV).
Fourth (yeah, I even have a fourth reason), I’ve met countless couples who were engaged only to break up before the wedding. This just happened to a close friend of ours. What then?
Sex is reserved for marriage. Not engagement, not some exception of betrothal . . . just marriage.
So if you want to have sex with your fiancé, then get married.
Is it wrong to lie in a bed, but not have sex, with your significant other?
Let’s be honest. Men have a huge sex drive, and I don’t know a single man who wouldn’t be tempted lying in bed with a female.
The Bible repeatedly says, “Flee sexual immorality.” Lying in a bed together is the complete opposite of fleeing. This would tempt any man with a pulse.
Why would God, who says that all he created was good, tell us that we can’t have sex whenever we want?
This is a great question, and it’s really a matter of perspective.
When young people ask this question, they are living in a small time period of their lives where sexual temptation is very difficult and very real. For my great grandpa, this was only a few years. Kids were beginning puberty later, and they were getting married earlier. He was married at eighteen. He probably only endured a few years of sexual temptation.
I began puberty a little earlier and got married at twenty, so I was tempted sexually for almost eight years.
My son went through puberty earlier than I did and he’s now twenty-one as I write this, and he’s not close to getting married. For young people today these years might seem long and arduous. So from their perspective, they might see it as torture and question why God would make them endure such suffering.
A few thoughts I share with young people:
1. DON’T WAIT SO LONG FOR MARRIAGE.
In 1 Corinthians 7:9 Paul writes, “But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (NIV). Today’s young people seem to want to finish college and grad school and pay off loans before getting married. And one reason they aren’t in a hurry to marry is because they’re sleeping around anyway. That’s not God’s plan. If two people really want to get married, they can make it happen. It might take sacrifice, but it’s possible. I know. My wife and I were twenty and twenty-one years old when we got married.
2. DON’T DATE UNTIL YOU’RE READY.
You don’t need an exclusive boyfriend or girlfriend when you’re twelve years old. I know, it’s hard, because every Disney channel show you watched growing up shows sixth graders pursuing dating relationships, and your friends are all pursuing them too. Dating isn’t bad, but ask yourself, “Where’s the future in this?” Date when you’re good and ready to find a suitable companion. Until then, enjoy plenty of friends of the opposite sex.
3. WAITING FOR SEX IS A DISCIPLINE AND WELL WORTH THE PRICE.
Genesis tells us the story of a man named Jacob who was so in love with the woman he wanted to marry that he worked seven years to marry her. (Then ended up working seven more). Ask your teens, “How hard are you willing to work for the man/woman you love? How much are you willing to endure?” These years might be tough, but discipline yourself to simply enjoy the friendship of the opposite sex until you get married, even those whom you date. Don’t give in to the pressure that dating equals getting hot and heavy. Enjoy companionship and great conversation now, then enjoy a lifetime of great sex. The alternative is to enjoy a promiscuous lifestyle for a few years right now and then suffer the consequences of that promiscuity for a lifetime. Your choice.
Is premarital oral sex wrong?
When I’m asked questions like this, I like to answer with a question. “What do you think?”
My kids have asked me this question, and that’s exactly how I responded. I asked them their opinion. They thought it was fine for marriage; after all, the Bible never addresses it as a sin. It’s just another intimate sexual act between a husband and a wife. I told them, “I agree.”
But when our kids ask if oral sex is okay outside of marriage, I’d ask them, “What does the Bible tell us about sexual acts outside of marriage?” This goes back to what we discussed in detail in chapters 4 and 5. For those who would argue it’s not sex, I would refer to Jesus’ teaching that lust is adultery. And I don’t know many people who can have oral sex without having sexual thoughts. It’s an intimate sexual act, and intimate sexual acts are reserved for marriage.
If a guy has anal sex with a girl, are they still virgins?
Anal sex is a sexual act. If a couple engages in anal sex instead of intercourse so they can stay sexually pure, they’re fooling themselves. Just like oral sex, anal sex is a type of sexual activity where you are undoubtedly having sexual thoughts. If you do this outside of marriage, then it’s sexual immorality, which is sin.
In addition, people who have anal sex can experience some potential unwanted effects like hemorrhoids or even tearing. It’s not a popular subject to talk about, but the fact is, God made the vagina self-lubricating and perfect for the act of making love. When couples try anal sex, they usually use a lubricant, and they have to wash really well when finished. Even then, the woman might get hemorrhoids or experience tearing. Most doctors would recommend extreme caution.
Is it okay if I masturbate to keep from looking at porn?
I’d answer this question with a question: “Is masturbation wrong?” (We answered this one clearly in chapter 10. It’s wrong when you lust, which is most masturbation.)
Then I’d ask, “Is it okay to do one sin to keep from doing another?”
Sin has consequences, period. Help your kids seek out other ways to flee porn rather than masturbating while lusting in their minds. (Flip back to the previous chapters and look at some of those suggestions once again for fleeing pornography and other sexual temptations.)
Is it good to masturbate before a date to “flee” having sex with my girlfriend?
This is almost the same question as above, but with a little added use of Scripture. Just as Satan twisted Scripture to tempt Jesus, sometimes people will twist Scripture to try to justify sins.
No, same as above. One sin doesn’t justify another. If you want to “flee” having sex with your girlfriend, avoid tempting situations. Go to dinner and then hang out with some friends. Don’t get alone with her.
If marriage is for one man and one woman, how come so many Bible heroes had multiple wives?
God’s plan was laid out clearly in the garden. One man, one woman, to become one in the flesh. That plan never changed. But people strayed from God’s plan regardless.
The Old Testament stories often tell us all the explicit details, but within those details lies the explicit truth.
For example: Abraham didn’t trust God’s promise for a son, so he slept with Hagar. Seem like no big deal? This single decision caused fighting, jealousy, and chaos that has lasted for thousands of years.
Jacob was tricked into his first marriage, so he married again. When those two wives didn’t produce like Jacob wanted, he slept with two other women. These decisions caused competition, quarreling, and jealousy for generations to come.
God instructed his kings to be an example to God’s people and only take one wife (Deuteronomy 17:14–20). Most of them didn’t abide, and the result was consequences of the worst kind.
God’s plan for one husband and one wife is clearly the best plan.
If you really investigate the Scripture, it’s plainly evident that God’s way is so much better than our way. The Old Testament stories demonstrate that.
At the same time, these stories demonstrate that God can use sinful people, blemishes and all. Yes, these people would have avoided many natural consequences had they listened to God in the first place. But God uses us despite our mistakes.
I just want to be loved, and the only way guys want me is if I give them sex. Does God want me to be alone?
In chapter 8, I made a statement:
Guys give love to get sex.
Girls give sex to get love.
No, not all guys are evil manipulators, and no, not all girls are seductive temptresses. But sadly, many young men and women drift toward each of these roles today.
Guys are so driven by their libidos they will often do almost anything to fulfill them. Girls are often so desperate to find a guy who actually cares, they will sacrifice their own moral code to get one.
I like to ask my daughters, “What characteristics are you looking for in a husband?”
As they describe a perfect man, my guess is, they are not going to describe the kind of guy who only wants a girl if she gives him sex.
We need to affirm that our daughters are valuable, and encourage them not to lower their standards just because it seems like the “pickings are slim.” Frankly, the pickings are often slim because our daughters are looking in the wrong places.
Where do girls look for guys today? If they believe current popular songs, then they’ll put on a tight dress, “drink it up,” and “drop it low” at a nightclub. If they believe Scripture, then they’re going to “devote themselves to fellowship” among other things (Acts 2:42), and meet others who are devoted to Christ.
I tell my girls that if they want to meet a godly man, hang out where godly men are. My girls are both involved in ministry at their church, go on annual mission trips, and know numerous godly young men.
If a guy demands sex from a girl, he’s not a guy worth having.
Is mutual masturbation okay?
Mutual masturbation is when couples stimulate themselves or each other without having intercourse. This is a sexual activity, and the Bible clearly says to avoid sexual activity like this until marriage.
God’s design for sex is always between a husband and wife. If a male or female ever masturbates while thinking about someone other than their spouse, that is lust, which is a sin. That’s why married people should not watch porn together, because it causes them to lust for others, which is the same as inviting other people into the marriage bed.
When a young man has a nocturnal emission, is that a sin? Many teen boys are really embarrassed by these and don’t want anyone to know. They wonder, Did I sin in my sleep?
No, we can’t control our dreams. And wet dreams are a normal body function when guys get a buildup of semen. (Side note: Guys who masturbate regularly will probably rarely, if at all, have wet dreams.)
We can’t control dreams, but we can control what we fill our minds with. If we expose ourselves to sexual imagery, then our minds might dwell on some of that imagery.
Control your thoughts during the day and your nights will most likely follow. Wet dreams will still occur occasionally, and that’s okay. As parents, we need to remember not to freak out about this. On the contrary, we should show extreme consideration for our son if we discover this embarrassing occurrence.
Why should I care if my looks or actions cause someone to lust? It’s their own dirty mind, not my problem.
Believe it or not, some young people think like this. It’s selfish and thoughtless.
But if you hear a question like this, rather than lecturing, ask questions. Maybe share Scriptures like these and then ask questions about the verses:
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister.
Romans 14:13 NIV
Ask:
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification.
Romans 14:19 NIV
Ask:
Is cohabitation okay?
This is a common question. I think it gets answered when we truly seek to understand God’s plan for sex and marriage. In other words, if we are having frequent conversations with our kids about God’s plan for sex (chapter 4), how far we can go (chapter 5), and fleeing (chapter 8), then this question will answer itself. But many young people today haven’t been educated with the truth; instead, they’ve just been listening to the world’s lies.
The world says, “You should test drive a car before you buy it. Couples should try living together to see if they are compatible.”
The truth is, if a man and a woman wait until marriage for sex, then seek to humbly serve each other (Ephesians 5), sex and marriage are going to be amazing. Compatibility is for self-seeking individuals.
If two people move in together before marriage, the temptation will be to enjoy all the benefits of marriage without the commitment of marriage. This isn’t God’s plan and usually leads to pain and regret. In fact, couples who live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce than couples who don’t cohabitate before marriage.3 Even more sobering, studies show that children of cohabiting couples are more likely to experience emotional problems, alcoholism, and drug abuse.4 No one seems to know why, although experts speculate it might be because of the uncertainty of the relationship. In other words, the kids don’t feel confident that Mom and Dad are really going to stick together. This has damaging effects.
Marriage vows often include the phrase “For better or worse.” In other words, two people realize that there will be struggles when they are getting into a relationship. Conflict is a reality. Relationships take work, and hard work pays off. When two people enter a relationship with an attitude of “Let’s try this, and we’ll bail if it’s difficult,” the relationship is destined for failure. It’s not a matter of if the relationship will fail . . . it’s just a matter of when.
The “test drive” theory doesn’t hold true. When Dad commits to Mom in marriage, it’s better for their relationship and it’s better for the kids.
How do I break out of an unhealthy cycle of sexual activity?
This is one of those questions parents should really celebrate.
Parents could look at a question like this as the glass being half empty. My teen is sexually experienced.
Don’t make this mistake. The glass is half full. My teen is looking for deliverance from a sexual past.
Remember what we talked about in chapter 11 of this book. Whenever Jesus encountered someone with a blotted past, he didn’t make them feel dirty; he made them feel forgiven and accepted. We should follow his example. When our teenagers mess up, we need to do everything we can to help them not feel like perverts.
But we can also help them break this unhealthy cycle.
If our teens want to break free of temptation, first determine if it’s an addiction or just a habit of bad choices. If it’s an addiction to porn, for example, you might need to bring them to counseling. An addiction is an addiction. (See chapter 9 for more about helping our kids break free of porn.)
But if your son or daughter has made a habit of sleeping with his or her girlfriend or boyfriend, then you can help them “flee” this kind of temptation. Let them know that they aren’t alone, and in fact, most people endure this kind of temptation. But God is faithful to provide a way of escape (1 Corinthians 10:13).
I find that kids often don’t think about the actions that lead to bad choices. Help them understand that most choices began five choices ago. If they keep having sex with their boyfriend or girlfriend, my guess is it’s not at school in algebra class. It’s probably after school, at someone’s house, or in another private place.
Ask your daughter:
Sometimes our teens will be struggling with masturbation and they might see it as an addiction. If it is a porn addiction, then you might need to seek counseling. But if the kid just masturbates frequently, occasionally looking at images, then we can help them learn to try to flee this temptation. Help them by removing any of the easy access they have to images that are tempting. This might mean porn filters or cable blocks. It might mean even removing Mom’s clothing catalogs with underwear ads. It’s pretty difficult to remove everything, but do your best to help them flee.
And don’t be surprised if your son continues to struggle with masturbation; it’s a very hard habit to break. Your son is not dirty or perverted if he keeps doing it. He’s struggling, as many of us do.
What if I don’t get married? Does that mean I will never have sex, ever?!
The short answer: yes. Sex is for marriage. If you want to have sex, get married.
This isn’t to say that remaining single is discouraged. In fact, the apostle Paul encouraged people to remain single if they were going to live a life of ministry. He says it like this:
I say this as a concession, not as a command. But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. Yet each person has a special gift from God, of one kind or another.
So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.
1 Corinthians 7:6–9
Paul was a missionary at heart. He traveled the world sharing the truth about Jesus, often getting arrested for standing up for truth. This was no life for a husband or father. That’s why he wasn’t afraid to give this personal little endorsement for staying single. He knew single people had more freedom to serve Jesus without any ties.
Yet at the same time, Paul knew the power of lust, so he made it clear: “If they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust.”
Singleness has its benefits. But if you want sex and intimacy, then enjoy it the way God intended, in the relationship of marriage.
Is it wrong if I’m attracted to someone of the same sex?
This is just one of the many questions I’ve heard young people ask about homosexuality and same-sex attraction. Here are some other common questions:
“What’s wrong with homosexual activity? If God made people with a certain desire, why would he forbid them from it?”
“I don’t like the opposite sex and I have feelings for the same sex. Does that mean I’m a homosexual?”
“If I had a homosexual experience but am still attracted to the opposite sex, does that make me bisexual?”
I confess, I was debating whether to even address this issue in this book. On one hand I know it’s a common question that young people desperately need to hear truth about, but on the other hand, I know that the issue has grown so volatile that any answer on this issue divides people. So no matter what I write in these few pages, people are going to be looking for me to be one of two things: a gay supporter, or a gay hater.
If I had to choose one, I guess I’d have to be called a gay supporter, because I have gay friends and I love them. But I just happen to think that homosexual activity is a sin, just like looking at porn is a sin . . . as is lusting, cohabitating, and having premarital sex (not to mention gossiping, lying, and cheating on your taxes). Sadly, I have friends who are all of those things. Sadly, I am some of those things (in all honesty, I gossiped about someone last week). We all have something in common. We all need Jesus.
It’s almost impossible to disagree with the homosexual lifestyle today without being labeled a hater. Questions about the issue are rarely asked without some emotion attached to them. Emotions are stirred because many young people who have experienced same-sex attraction have encountered teasing or bullying. Others might have kept these feelings to themselves but were afraid to ask questions. After all, the church has treated homosexuality as a uniquely terrible sin in the past. If you slept with your girlfriend or watched porn, that was one thing . . . but if you were gay? Gasp!
But the cultural climate has been changing rapidly in the last few years, and now homosexuality is almost completely accepted by the entertainment media community. If a celebrity were to speak out against homosexual behavior it would be career suicide. Movies, TV, and music frequently celebrate the homosexual lifestyle and are almost completely saturated with the message “How can something that feels so right be wrong?” This makes this issue increasingly difficult for parents because today’s young people are absolutely immersed in entertainment media (peek at chapter 1 for a reminder of exactly how much).
Rappers Macklemore and Ryan Lewis spoke the minds of many of today’s young people with their song “Same Love” in 2012. This song spoke out against bullying (a good thing to protest). It also called out right-wing conservatives, saying they were paraphrasing a book written thousands of years ago, a clear “dis” on the Bible’s clarity and relevance. The world readily accepts this message. In fact, the 2014 Grammys featured the rap duo performing this song while Queen Latifah officiated a mass gay wedding on the stage in front of millions of viewers.
Today, if anyone is asked what they think about the homosexual lifestyle, they dare not speak their minds if they don’t agree with it. They will be deemed intolerant or haters. As a result, many Christians are tiptoeing around the issue.
I don’t tiptoe.
So I’ll try to take the approach that Jesus took: love and truth. Jesus loved everyone, regardless of their sin; at the same time, he spoke the truth, even when it was very unpopular to do so.
ACTING ON OUR DESIRES
Today the majority of young people think:
Christians have been handling all three of these issues poorly. First, it’s practically pointless to argue over number one, whether or not homosexuals are “born this way.” This debate has never been settled either way, and frankly, it really doesn’t need to be. Here’s why: Desire isn’t the issue—the issue is how we respond to our desires.
Think about it. We all know that some people are really prone to anger, some are prone to drinking, and some are prone to lust. Does that mean they should act out in these ways? Obviously not. I’m Irish and I have a really bad temper. Does that license me to go on tirades? Arguing about being “born this way” is really not relevant. The real issue is how I act on my desires.
Sadly, the church has been judging and mistreating homosexuals for years (number two above). This is ridiculous and against God’s Word. First, we shouldn’t judge any sinner; only God can judge. Most of the “correction” the Bible calls for is directed to believers in the church, and that is always supposed to be done in love. And as for condemning, even Jesus didn’t come to condemn, but to save (John 3:17). It’s silly that the church would be hung up pointing the finger at homosexuals when the church is full of gossips, porn addicts, and greedy people. The church needs to show love and grace like Jesus did.
But that doesn’t mean we should swing the pendulum and say, “Okay then, homosexual activity is not a sin.”
The fact is, the Bible makes it clear about God’s design for sexual activity. It’s something we’ve been talking about in this entire book, so it should come as no surprise: one man, one woman in the context of marriage. In fact, the Bible even goes as far as to speak out against homosexual activity just as it speaks out against heterosexual sin. And not just in the Old Testament, but in the New Testament as well.
For example, in 1 Corinthians 6:9–11 (NIV), we read:
Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
In this passage, Paul is unmistakably condemning certain sins, with homosexuality being one of them—right along with greed and drunkenness—lest we think that one sinful lifestyle is worse (or better) than another. These are things Christians shouldn’t be doing.
While some may want to see this passage as just another “clobber verse,” it is best viewed as a passage of supreme hope! Instead of remaining in their sin, the Corinthians were washed, sanctified, and justified in the name of Jesus and by the power of God’s Spirit! That’s because God loves idolaters, adulterers, drunkards, thieves, slanderers, swindlers, and yes, homosexuals! I’m glad God’s process of sanctification is at work in my life, because I’m really good at slandering people who make me mad. It’s an area I’ve really needed to give to God, and he’s slowly changing me.
In another of Paul’s references to homosexuality, in 1 Timothy 1:9–11, he says:
The law was not intended for people who do what is right. It is for people who are lawless and rebellious, who are ungodly and sinful, who consider nothing sacred and defile what is holy, who kill their father or mother or commit other murders. The law is for people who are sexually immoral, or who practice homosexuality, or are slave traders, liars, promise breakers, or who do anything else that contradicts the wholesome teaching that comes from the glorious Good News entrusted to me by our blessed God.
Here Paul lists those “who practice homosexuality” among the “lawless and rebellious.” It is point-blank doctrine: Homosexuality is a lifestyle that’s contradictory to the Gospel. But look what else Paul is doing. He’s also clearly saying that God has reached out to the “lawless and rebellious” with his perfect law. Rather than condemn them, God desires to redeem them!
Romans chapter 1 paints it pretty plainly as well as Paul describes some of the shameful things mankind does, trading the truth about God for a lie:
That is why God abandoned them to their shameful desires. Even the women turned against the natural way to have sex and instead indulged in sex with each other. And the men, instead of having normal sexual relations with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this sin, they suffered within themselves the penalty they deserved.
vv. 26–27 NLT
The whole chapter is pretty clear that homosexual activity was not God’s intent. It also details some other sins like greed, envy, and quarreling. (Funny, no one seems to be arguing that those actions are okay.)
While the Bible’s mention of homosexuality seems completely straightforward, many argue that when the Bible uses the word homosexual it really means something else. Some argue that when the apostle Paul discusses homosexuality in 1 Corinthians 6:9 or 1 Timothy 1:10, what he was really denouncing was pederasty, the sexual abuse of boys by men, which was sometimes practiced by Roman and Greek citizens.
I have just one question: Then why didn’t Paul just say that? You see, the apostle Paul was a man of profound specifics, who at times would even invent words to get his point across, like the concept of “justification” (Romans 4 and 5). Am I to believe that he simply began to use terms that were generic or vague or even wrong when talking about such important issues?
If Paul wanted to address adult-to-child sin, he would have done that. He didn’t. The reason he didn’t speak of pederasty was because he was referring to homosexuality.
But don’t forget that these passages are all in the context of God’s grace. All the passages above clearly communicate God’s love for us and our need for his forgiveness. All of us need this love and grace.
HOW TO ANSWER
So how do we answer our kids if they ask us about this issue?
1. Understand where they’re coming from
Remember to ask a lot of questions. If your kids ask, “Dad, is it wrong to be gay?” Say to them, “That’s a good question. Tell me more about the context of this question.” Gather as much information as possible so you can be sensitive to their feelings. Ask them, “What do you think?” Remember, this is a very emotional issue for many.
2. Share Jesus’ love for “sinners like me”
One of the biggest reasons the world dislikes Christians is because some Christians have come across as hateful and judgmental. Christ was neither of these things. In fact, Jesus claimed countless times that he came to save sinners. Help your kids understand that we are all sinners, and we need Jesus just like every sinner needs Jesus.
3. Share God’s amazing plan for sex and marriage
Don’t jump straight to a passage listing homosexuals among the immoral. Tell them God’s story of how he created a husband and wife and told them to enjoy sex together. Share with them God’s design for sex (chapter 4). Help them understand God’s plan and what happens when people go outside of God’s plan. Remember that many young people today don’t see the Bible as an authority. So be prepared to discuss it beyond just “Because the Bible says so.”
4. Help them understand that all sexual sin is outside of God’s plan
Talk about homosexuality in the context of other sexual sins. Start by asking about other sexual sins. If a teenage boy really wants to sleep with his girlfriend, is it okay? Why not? If it feels right, how could it be wrong? If a man really wants to look at porn, can he? Why not? But he loves looking at naked women, how could that be wrong? What if they are under-aged women? Couldn’t it be argued that he was born with these desires?
So should we follow every desire we have? The world loves to tell us that we should follow our every desire, but the truth is, sometimes our desires are sinful. We need to learn to follow God, not our own desires (Galatians 5:16–17).
5. Teach them the importance of resisting temptations
We need to teach our kids that if they are struggling with desires to engage in homosexual activity, God can help them resist that temptation (1 Corinthians 10:13), just like those who are struggling with lust, porn, or any heterosexual sin. Yes, most of us are in the same boat, struggling with temptations, and we need Jesus badly. (Read more about fleeing sexual sin in chapter 8 of this book.)
Our world is confused by this messy issue. Sadly, homosexuals have been bullied. This is a tragedy. It should have never happened. Sadly, homosexuals have been judged and singled out. This has made it very difficult for those struggling with same-sex attraction.
As Christians, we need to love homosexuals just like we need to love a porn addict or the heterosexual couple that lives next door that has been cohabitating for six years but still isn’t married. When we model this kind of love to others, our kids will be attracted to Christ’s love in us. In the same way, if our kids struggle with feelings of same-sex attraction, we need to treat them with the same love and grace that we’d treat our kids struggling with porn or any other sexual temptation.
Pray through this whole process. Pray specifically that God will help you live out these principles and answer these questions in love and truth. And remember, our love will point to truth loudly.
A Parent Question:
This last question is a common “tough question” I’ve heard from parents. I think it’s worth addressing.
Should we tell our kids about our mistakes?
I have a friend who asked me this: “Our daughter was born seven months after our wedding date. It’s only a matter of time before she does the math and asks us why. When should we tell her that we had premarital sex?”
Great question. And the short answer is, whenever she asks.
I don’t think you need to bring it up to your five-year-old. She won’t understand. And I don’t think you need to bring it up to your thirteen-year-old out of the blue. My guess is, if you are engaging in frequent conversations about sex and dating, it will come up naturally at some point. When it does, share the truth.
There is some debate out there as to whether we should share our bad decisions with our kids. I’ve read articles urging parents to keep quiet because it gives our kids permission to act out.
I think stories about past mistakes can be good or bad, depending on context and approach. If a parent is joking or bragging about all the stupid things they did, then yes, don’t be surprised if these behaviors are imitated. After all, “Dad did it!”
But I’ve seen countless examples of a dad or mom sharing the hurt of past mistakes, with tears and sincerity, and it’s helped his or her children realize they don’t want to experience that kind of hurt.
Today’s young people are being inundated with messages of “sex is recreational” and “do it” with no mention of consequences. I think it’s powerful when a parent shares stories of choices and their consequences.
Never be afraid to share the truth.
When we’re vulnerable and honest, it can help set the stage for our kids to be vulnerable and honest. And isn’t that what we want?
Are you creating a climate of continual conversations about sex?
Are you becoming your kids’ go-to person about sex?