Figure: 12.1.
CREDIT: O’SULLIVAN SOLUTIONS
DISTINCTION AND DIFFERENCE QUESTIONS bring clarity, relevance, measurement, boundary and a different perspective to conflict issues. Asking questions that explore the distinctions and differences in how parties are thinking, and that create distinctions between the various facets of a conflict, supports them to think incisively.
These questions slice through the information presented by the parties to identify in what way the issues presented, or their component parts, are a problem. They identify the contexts and times when an issue becomes a problem, measure its priority and importance, and identify alternatives to absolutist negative narratives.
Example:
When one party thinks that their supervisor is bullying them and is always on their case, this type of question helps to identify exactly when, where and in what way the supervisor’s behavior is impacting. This helps the perspective of both parties. The complainant’s accusations become more concise, enabling the supervisor to know the specifics of the accusation, rather than thinking that the complainant thought she was a bully all the time, and in every way imaginable.
This type of question is used when parties seem to have become consumed by their conflict, are incapable of breaking down the various elements of their conflict or are unable to think clearly.
These questions are used:
✓ When clarity and focus is needed
✓ When parties struggle to understand what each other is saying
✓ When clarity for the complained against is needed so that the specifics of the complaint are understood, and therefore an appropriate change of behavior can be identified
✓ When measurement is needed regarding something that requires more precise information, e.g., the relevance or importance of something; the extent of an impact on parties; the level of understanding reached; the progress made; the relevance of solutions and the level of satisfaction with agreements; or anything else that requires precise information
✓ When parties are unable to step back from the conflict and view it with an alternative perspective
✓ When a cultural difference, or a difference in values, forms the basis of the conflict
✓ To assess a party’s willingness to engage in or remain in mediation
Distinction and Difference questions have several sub-elements that can be employed as a subject to develop them. The list of sub-elements in this table is far from exhaustive.
Distinction and Difference Questions Sub-elements |
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■ Parts ■ People ■ Contexts/Environment ■ Opposites |
■ Spatial ■ Comparisons ■ Time Span ■ Measurement/Ranking |
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When a party makes a statement, build a Distinction and Difference question by taking these sub-elements and using them to find out more information.
Example:
Ask whether the problem arises with only some people and not with other people, ask how other people get on with this person (comparison), ask if there are different parts to the problem and how each part differs from other parts, ask if the context makes a difference to the situation. A question can be posed that asks about the opposite to what a party says:
Example:
Mediator asks: You say it won’t work, what would make it work?
Breaking conflict and conflict perspectives into parts focuses a party’s mind on what exactly is the problem for them, and what is not the problem. For example, when parties demonstrate confusion, they often refer to different levels or parts within themselves and you can use this as a reference for asking a question. For example, a party may say something like, “On the one hand ... but on the other hand...”
Example: Exploring the different and distinct parts of a conflict
■ You mention that you are feeling split over this — what exactly is split? How is it split?
■ What is your heart telling you? What is your head telling you?
■ When you are unhappy with what’s happening in this relationship, which parts of the conflict are more likely to take over your thinking? What brings that part to the fore?
■ If the lesser part was solved, how would you feel about the bigger part?
■ What small part could you let go of that would not make a huge difference to you, but could make a huge difference to the other party?
These questions allow parties to reflect on specifically who is pertinent to the conflict, to what degree, and in what way.
Example: Exploring a workplace relationship conflict
■ How would you describe your relationship with each of the people on the team?
■ What are the distinctions and differences you see between these relationships?
■ To what degree is each person pertinent to this conflict?
■ In what way does the atmosphere in the team depend on which people are in the room?
■ What is their relationship like with each other?
Asking questions about different contexts helps the parties to identify the conflict in a more focused way and to view it from different context perspectives.
Example: Exploring behavior in different contexts
■ How does her behavior change in different contexts?
■ In what sort of context would that behavior be acceptable? When might it be unacceptable?
■ If she had said that to you in a private context, how would that have been for you?
■ What are the contexts when this is more manageable for you? Less manageable for you?
Looking at opposites often opens the conflict perspective so that it can then be distilled to specifics.
Example: Exploring alternative possibilities to a relationship difficulty
■ What did you hear from John that was opposite to what you expected to hear?
■ I hear you saying that you are disappointed … what needs to happen for you to feel the opposite of this?
■ What did you intend to happen? What did you not intend to happen?
■ How would it be for you if you viewed this issue in the opposite way to how you view it now?
These questions flag distinctions and differences in proximity, distance or perspective. They can be used to metaphorically check how something looks from a range of perspectives, for example, from up high, down low, the inside, the outside or upside down. They can measure the distance between X and Y; for example, they can identify the distance a process needs to take before reaching the agreement stage.
Example: Exploring distinct and different perspectives to create insight
■ If you were to go right down into this conflict, what might this feel like?
■ If you were to move further away from it and look at it from up high, as if you were on a balcony, what might you see? What would that feel like?
■ How do you think this looks like from where the other party is situated? And how does it look from where you are situated? What would it look like to each of you if you swapped your exact situations?
■ What is needed to bridge the gap between where you are now and where you would like to be?
If a mediator asks a party to describe their relationship, their response will be informed by comparing their relationship with something else they know; how this relationship was in the past, how it differs from other relationships or by the expectations they had for it. Making comparisons gives a different context and perspective that allows parties to look at information and distill it in a more focused way.
Example: Making comparisons in a relationship before and after a conflict event
■ You say your relationship with your business partner is not good, what was it like before you entered the partnership deal? What had been your expectations?
■ How does that compare to how it is now?
■ How does it compare to other business partnerships that you know?
■ What are the distinction and differences between these two comparisons?
■ How would you like it to be in the future, compared to the way it is now?
Time span questions will support the parties to identify the distinctions and differences related to their issue by asking questions across a span of time. Changes in dynamic and feelings can be identified in relation to this span of time.
Example: When parties are holding on to their anger with each other
■ How do you view your relationship with each other now?
■ Was there a time when you thought differently about the relationship? What was it like then?
■ When did you first feel that it had changed?
■ If this latest event had happened when your relationship with each other was good, what might have been different? How might you have interpreted the event then?
■ Might there be a time when you might both feel differently to the way you feel now?
■ I hear you saying that you are not prepared to forgive right now… is there a time in the future when you might be willing to start a journey of forgiveness?
Measurement and ranking questions do exactly what the title suggests; they measure and rank something about which you wish to have more precise information, such as the relevance and importance of various issues; the level of impact of the conflict on the parties; the level of understanding reached between parties; the extent to which the needs and underlying interests of parties are being met; the level of progress being made in a mediation process, or about parties’ level of orientation toward reaching an agreement with each other; and the extent to which parties’ thinking, feeling and experiencing has changed across a span of time. Asking parties to numerically rank something can stimulate new thinking and perspective.
Bannink42 offers a practitioner perspective, arguing for an adaptation of the scaling process based on cognitive dissonance theory (covered in Chapter 14). Before asking a numerical ranking question, Bannink says that they need to ask some lead-in questions that will raise some of the positive realities in the relationship. By doing this the party will mark themselves at a higher level on the scale and therefore their cognitive dissonance will be less and they will see resolution as being more attainable. This technique needs to be used with integrity and should not be used to illustrate falsehoods.
Examples:
An example of a good time to ask a ranking question would be after some progress has already been achieved in the mediation. The response given by parties will indicate the level of progress they feel they have achieved:
Measurement and ranking questions measure progress:
■ In terms of progress toward resolution of this issue, where are each of you now, on a scale of 0 to 10? With 10 being high. What influenced you to give it this ranking?
■ What ranking would you have given your prospect of resolution if I had asked you this question when you first arrived to mediation this morning?
■ What ranking do you hope you will be able to give your prospect of resolution within another hour?
■ What would each of you have said here that would have created the possibility of this ranking becoming a reality in about an hour?
■ What would each of you need to be able to progress further?
■ When you both return to work, and if this was working well, what measurement of progress toward resolution would each of you like the other party to give at the end of the first day? After a month?
■ What would have happened over that period of a month that would allow both of you to give an increase in your ranking measurement?
