part0009

In 1994, I made a decision to hire my first personal coach. Although I thought this decision would make me a better coach myself, it turned out to do much more. It gave me a better life. Thomas Leonard, founder of Coach University and the leading pioneer in the field of professional coaching, was the man’s name, and I’ll never forget what happened in our first session.

During the intake process, Thomas asked me to tell him a little about my life. He wanted to get a sense of who I was and how I lived. For the next 20 minutes, I talked about all the things that occupied my time:

As I listened to myself talk about my schedule, I have to admit that I felt pretty good. There was a certain level of satisfaction that came from feeling needed and in demand. When I finished, Thomas was quiet for a moment, and then, with a slight edge in his voice, said, “Wow, you do a great job of taking care of a lot of people. You’re such a good person.”

I sat still for what felt like a very long time. My moment of triumph slowly turned to tears as Thomas’s words hit home. I was a good girl. I was so used to playing the role of caretaker that it had become a normal way of life. It had also become my identity and how I defined my self-worth. Now, many years and many clients later, I know I wasn’t alone. So many of us, especially women, have taken on this “noble” role. What we don’t realize—until it’s too late—is the high price we pay for being so generous . . . a price extracted from our very bones.

While at that time I thought I felt good about caring for others, as I talked with Thomas about what wasn’t working in my life, my complaints revealed something quite different. I had to admit that I had no time for myself. I felt resentful about helping to make others successful yet never getting around to doing what I wanted to do. I also had to face the reality that too many of my relationships were one-way. Some of my friends were extremely needy, yet I kept them in my life because they made me feel safe, in control, and significant. Yes, Thomas was right: I was a good girl, and it was sucking the life out of me.

It was during our work together that Thomas introduced me to the concept of Extreme Self-Care. The word extreme intrigued me and got my attention. I remember feeling excited about the idea, but also a little nervous. From Thomas’s perspective, Extreme Self-Care meant taking my care to a whole new level—a level that, to me, seemed arrogant and selfish, practiced by people who had an inappropriate sense of entitlement. It meant taking radical action to improve my life and engaging in daily habits that allowed me to maintain this new standard of living. For example, it wasn’t enough to take a weekend off from helping others so that I could enjoy some downtime. Thomas wanted me to schedule time for myself (on my calendar, in ink) every day for six months.

Extreme Self-Care also involved surrounding myself with people who were smart, self-aware, and only interested in two-way relationships. It meant taking bold steps, such as eliminating clutter from my life, for good; creating a soul-nourishing work and home environment, and keeping it that way; getting my financial act together so that I always had choices about how to live my life; and not making any commitments whatsoever out of guilt or obligation. In addition, Thomas explained that making pleasure a priority was critical for Extreme Self-Care—real pleasure, not just a massage every couple of months, an occasional bath, or a yearly vacation. It meant leaving work in the middle of the day to get out into nature, enjoying a great massage once a week, and developing daily habits that made me feel happy and nurtured, including listening to the music I loved, drinking my favorite tea, or ordering fresh flowers for my office.

At first I had great resistance to the idea of Extreme Self-Care. A massage once a week? How could I ever afford that when I had to pay my rent? Time to myself every day? I could barely find time to go to the bathroom, let alone for a walk at lunch. My coach’s suggestions seemed idealistic, bordering on absurd. But, as I would soon discover, a great life starts with an open mind. To this day, I’m thankful that Thomas Leonard had a higher vision for my life than I had for myself.

As I slowly began to incorporate Extreme Self-Care into my life, it was clear that internal changes were required in order to make these behaviors stick. For example, I needed to quit being a martyr and focus on getting my needs met. I had to stop expecting others to read my mind and start being direct about what I wanted. I was challenged to try asking for help long before I needed it. Rather than bitch and moan about how others had let me down, I was to see my frustration as an indication that something needed to change. I also had to begin asking people to share the load instead of being a hero by attempting to do it all myself. Finally, I had to stop being an automatic yes machine when people asked for my help and instead learn to say no with confidence and ease.

As the work Thomas and I did together progressed, I discovered that making these changes wasn’t easy. When I look back now, I can see that I was challenging a legacy of self-sacrifice and overgiving passed down to me by generations of women in my family—the same legacy that confounds so many women even now. Too many of us are continuing to be the good girl, and it’s a tough habit to break. I still catch myself doing this when I feel stressed and under pressure. Suddenly I’m bending over backward to make it easier for an employee to do his or her job (I call this “hiring people to work for”). Or I’m scheduling too many activities into a day to accommodate the needs of everyone else (I call this “insanity”). For those of us who do such things—and this includes men as well as women—it’s often an automatic response, as if a default button gets pushed and we reflexively revert to these behaviors.

A good coach focuses on the source of a problem rather than the symptoms. In my work with Thomas, I was forced to look at the truth of why I continued to give too much, usually at my own expense. I wanted people to like me, to enjoy spending time with me, and to see me as wise and helpful. I also wanted to avoid the anxiety I felt whenever someone disapproved of something I did. Funny, but after years of practicing Extreme Self-Care, I’ve realized something ironic: if you want to live an authentic, meaningful life, you need to master the art of disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings, and living with the reality that some people just won’t like you. It may not be easy, but it’s essential if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values, and needs.

Over time, as my life became more oriented around the principles of Extreme Self-Care, it began to have a positive impact on my work. As a coach, I passed on what Thomas taught me by challenging my clients to accept no less than the highest possible standards—be it for their work, their relationships, their health, or just their overall well-being. When they did, their lives changed dramatically—it was as if they became more aligned with a divine energy or force that opened doors to support their highest good. But even though the idea was intriguing and fun to consider, it wasn’t always easy getting people on board. As much as Americans are portrayed as an overindulgent society, the truth is that when we decide to care for ourselves in a more attentive, proactive, and soul-nourishing way, we’re forced to confront a cultural view that selfish is a dirty word.

The concept of making one’s self-care a priority remains controversial to this very day. Over the years I’ve repeatedly had to defend this idea to the media as well as to clients and audience members. Now I welcome the opportunity, and here’s why: the practice of Extreme Self-Care forces us to make choices and decisions that honor and reflect the true nature of our soul. It raises our level of integrity, and we become more committed to truth than to people pleasing. While the notion of taking care of ourselves as a top priority might seem selfish or self-centered, doing so actually allows us to make our greatest contribution to the world. The choice to live a life that reflects the tenets of Extreme Self-Care is critical if we want to make a difference in the world . . . and most people I know do.

From years of personal experience, as well as from the work I’ve done coaching many caring and hardworking men and women, I’ve learned that when we care for ourselves deeply and deliberately, we naturally begin to care for others—our families, our friends, and the world—in a healthier and more effective way. We become conscious and conscientious people. We tell the truth. We make choices from a place of love and compassion instead of guilt and obligation. And we begin to understand—on a visceral level—that we’re all connected, and that our individual actions affect the greater whole in a more profound way than we ever imagined. A CEO who never gave much thought to recycling, for instance, finds that his own awakening to Extreme Self-Care leads him to not only take better care of himself and his family, but to also start a recycling plan at work. Or a mom who learns to make her own needs a priority (rather than always attending to her children first) develops a program to help mothers raise more confident and independent kids.

Enjoying a life of Extreme Self-Care means living and working in a soul-nurturing environment; developing a greater appreciation for, and connection with, nature; doing work that provides an opportunity to express your greatest gifts and talents; and caring for your emotional, physical, and spiritual health in a way that’s aligned with who you are and what you most need. When you allow yourself to want this and then have it, you can’t help but want it for others as well.

The art of Extreme Self-Care takes patience, commitment, and practice. It initially requires a willingness to sit with some pretty uncomfortable feelings, too, such as guilt—for putting your own needs first, fear—of being judged and criticized by others, or anxiety—from challenging long-held beliefs and behaviors. It’s an organic, evolutionary process; an art as opposed to a science. Over time, you’ll make progress and become more comfortable with the process, but you’ll also regress. I know the dance well. There are days when I set firm limits on my availability so that I don’t feel overwhelmed with work, yet there are other days when I’m beating myself up, wondering why the hell I’m still in the office at 9 P.M. The difference today is that I’m much more aware of what it feels like when I’m getting into trouble, and I know what I have to do to get back on course.

During the past 20 years, the rich and fruitful life I’ve experienced has been a direct result of practicing Extreme Self-Care. Because I know that there are no quick fixes—and we’re talking about challenging a way of life, not rearranging a room—I’ve designed this book to help you practice it by taking small steps every month. Each of the following 12 chapters offers you a different way to do so, and at the end of every one, you’ll find an “Extreme Self-Care Challenge” with guidelines and suggestions for getting and staying on track. You’ll also find some of my favorite resources, which will offer you additional ways to pursue and sustain your individual self-care goals. 1

If you like being held accountable when attempting to make changes, set yourself up to succeed by enlisting a good friend or, better yet, a group of like-minded people to accompany you on your journey. If you decide to create a group, there are important guidelines that will support your success.

I’ve learned a lot about what makes for a successful group experience. Members who take their participation seriously and do what it takes to get their needs met have the most success. You might prefer to form groups with people who share certain lifestyle issues or situations—moms with small children, business owners, or empty nesters. Or, you may want to be part of a more diverse group. The size of the group is important too. Experience has shown that the most productive and effective groups have six to eight members. However, you’ll want to get started as soon as you have one other person and then add people as they show up.

Since the intention is to create community and to stay in action, it’s important for your group to meet regularly. Weekly is best, biweekly is next to best, and monthly works well when you buddy up with someone you can check in with by phone every week. Commitment is the key to success. If you decide to start a group, have members make a commitment to attend for at least three months, and schedule these meetings in advance to make planning easy and to demonstrate your commitment to the group.

The following guidelines not only help create a safe place for a productive and enjoyable meeting, they help to eliminate the kind of habits that quickly dissolve a group. I recommend that you review the following guidelines at the start of every meeting:

Give everyone equal time. Be sure that each person has a chance to speak. While there may certainly be times when a member needs extra attention, it’s important to prevent members from continuously dominating the conversation. This is the one problem that I’ve seen ruin a group quicker than any other. To ensure that everyone gets equal time, use a timer to keep members on track. Make sure that it sounds an alarm when time is up. Remember that your meeting should be focused on action, not social chitchat.

Share facilitation. Have someone new facilitate your meetings each time you meet to prevent the group from having a “boss.” This is also important for those members who have a tendency to get caught up in the “teacher” role and end up not getting the support they need. Too often a member who needs the most support is the one who will take on the caretaker role of the group. Avoid this tendency by rotating leadership.

Focus on the positive. Put your attention on what works. Look for and acknowledge a member’s strengths. Keep complaining and whining to a minimum—one minute or less (we all need to do it sometimes). If someone continuously comes to a meeting complaining or crying about the same problem without taking action to remedy the situation, this may be an indication that the member needs therapy or some other kind of individual support. Do this member a favor and be honest. Have someone from the group contact the person privately and offer to help him or her get the support that’s needed. Don’t let a fellow member suffer by being “nice.” Tell the truth.

Honor the group. Hold a regular “check-in” meeting to be sure that all members are satisfied with how the meetings are run. Tell the truth about how you feel (gracefully, of course). You might also check in at the end of each meeting, once a month, or once a quarter. If there is a problem, address it immediately! For example, if someone talks too much or ignores group guidelines by gossiping, you need to honor your group by addressing it right away.

As you get started on this life-changing journey, be mindful of what types of changes would benefit you most at this time in your life. To develop a clearer perspective of this, I suggest that you read the entire book first. When you finish, if you’re not sure which chapter to begin with, pick the one you’d most like to avoid, and then get to work. Be sure to start a journal so you can track your progress and homework assignments.