It is not easy to stop your safety behaviors and expose yourself to experiences you would rather avoid. You’re going to need the motivation that this chapter will provide. First you will examine the negative consequences of avoidance and other safety behaviors. Then you will review your life values, especially the activities and relationships you’ve been missing out on because of your anxiety. Finally, you will assess your willingness to go forward with your treatment plan.
As you become more familiar with your avoidance and other safety behaviors, you may also be thinking about the ways in which you are missing out on important aspects of your life. The more you avoid, the more your life is limited. Avoidance affects you emotionally, creating depression when you stop doing things you enjoy or find nurturing. When you continually disappoint or upset your family and friends, your relationships suffer and you feel shame and guilt. Safety behaviors are likely creating consequences at work or school as well, blocking you from reaching some of your life goals or preventing you from getting in touch with your life purpose. And, by continuing to engage in safety behaviors, you never learn that there is less to fear than you believe.
The following worksheet will help you identify the costs of avoidance. (This worksheet is available for download at http://www.newharbinger.com/34749.) In each of the following domains, list your avoidance or other safety behaviors and their negative impact on your life. Rate the impact on your life from 1 (very little negative impact) to 5 (large negative impact).
| Domain | Avoidance or other safety behaviors | Negative impact on my life | Rating
1–5 |
|---|---|---|---|
|
Friendships |
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Family |
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Parenting |
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Work/education |
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Self-care/health |
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Pleasure, recreation, social activities |
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Life goals |
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Service to others |
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Romantic relationships |
Laura used the Cost of Avoidance Worksheet to examine how her fear of being socially judged or rejected was affecting her life. In particular, Laura feared talking to strangers, believing that they might discover something flawed or unacceptable about her. She even worried about friends secretly disliking her. Social situations frequently triggered thoughts like I’m stupid, I’m boring, or I’m unattractive.
Laura’s Cost of Avoidance Worksheet
As a result of this exercise, Laura noticed that her safety behaviors were directly linked to her loneliness, isolation at work, and feelings of disconnection from friends. Even worse, the sense of hopelessness about ever having a romantic relationship seemed to be a direct outcome of her safety behaviors.
Now instead of focusing on the negative aspects of your anxiety, think about the positive things you would like to do if anxiety weren’t paralyzing you. What activities and abilities have you lost? What plans can you no longer make? What goals have you given up? What sources of joy or fulfillment seem closed to you now? In short, what do you care about? What are your life values?
The following worksheet will help clarify some of the valued activities your anxiety has curtailed. (A downloadable version of this worksheet is available at http://www.newharbinger.com/34749.) In the left-hand column, list your specific fears. In the middle column, identify each valued activity the fear blocks. Note that each fear could prevent multiple activities in multiple settings (work, recreation, family activities, social activities, health maintenance, parenting, and so on). In the right-hand column, rate how important each activity is from 1 (slightly valued) to 5 (extremely valued).
| Fear
(Things I avoid) |
Blocked valued activities | Values rating
1–5 |
|---|---|---|
Naomi, who had a fear of contamination, listed multiple situations she avoided on her Values Worksheet. She was surprised to see how each of these feared situations blocked activities that she valued.
Naomi’s Values Worksheet
| Fear
(Things I avoid) |
Blocked valued activities | Values rating
1–5 |
|---|---|---|
|
Public restrooms |
Can’t go shopping with friends |
3 |
|
Can’t go hiking |
2 |
|
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Can’t go to gym |
2 |
|
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Can’t travel |
5 |
|
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Can’t see Mom in NY |
5 |
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Can’t go to concerts |
5 |
|
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Can’t work in an office |
5 |
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Can’t go on dates |
5 |
|
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Sick people |
Can’t use public transportation |
1 |
|
Can’t go to theaters |
2 |
|
|
Can’t go to hospital for my knee operation |
5 |
|
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Can’t see doctor |
4 |
|
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Dirt |
Can’t do pottery or grow orchids |
4 |
|
Can’t visit my brother in his filthy apartment |
4 |
|
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Can’t get on the floor |
1 |
|
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Herbicides/pesticides |
Can’t get on grass |
3 |
|
Can’t go into people’s gardens |
2 |
|
|
Can’t go to the park |
2 |
As Naomi examined her worksheet, it became clear that her fear of public toilets was preventing many highly valued activities. Her fear of sick people was also blocking a needed knee surgery, and preventing her from taking adequate care of her health. Her fear of dirt was getting in the way of two valued hobbies—pottery and orchid raising—as well as seeing her brother. Fear was costing her a great deal in areas that deeply mattered to her. As a result of this process, she was beginning to recognize the situations where she was most willing to face challenging exposures.
Notice that values help guide your life toward things that matter to you. Because anxiety often makes it difficult to act on key values, anxiety can rob your life of meaning. You may end up avoiding many of the activities and experiences you care most about. This is how anxiety can co-occur with depression: anxiety gets in the way of meaningful activities, and the resulting loss of vitality and engagement causes you to spiral down into depression.
Unwillingness lies at the root of avoidance. Very understandably, you’ve been unwilling to feel the anxiety and distress associated with situations that scare you. You’ve wanted to keep your distance from the feeling of danger, from that sensation in your stomach that says harm is imminent.
The process of recovering from anxiety asks you to become willing, to allow yourself to feel the emotions and physical sensations connected to the things you fear. We are encouraging you to say “yes” to the hot flush, the electric sensation in your spine, the sudden weakness in your legs, the light-headed feeling, the knot in your stomach. We are asking you to say “yes” to feeling vulnerable, to feeling unsafe, to adrenaline and fear.
Willingness to feel everything associated with a feared situation, no matter how long or how strong, is the road to recovery and freedom. Willingness to accept the butterflies, willingness to accept the thought that you won’t survive, willingness to accept a sense of doom—all of this is the path to liberation from anxiety.
As you prepare for your exposures in the next two chapters, whatever the specific situations, whatever length of time you’ll spend facing your fear, the question is always willingness. Will you be willing to feel everything there is to feel in this situation, for this length of time? Willingness is the commitment to feel 100 percent of the experience, to stay for the allotted period of exposure, and to allow yourself to face whatever there is.
You will need willingness in the work ahead. You will need to say yes to fear—in your body and your mind. And in saying yes you’ll be finally set free from the long night of anxiety that has ruled your life.