The hateful rhetoric that dominated the 2016 election cycle and the Trump presidency has sparked a rise in hate crimes and created tension within many families, between friends, among co-workers, and basically in every social situation possible. We are a deeply divided nation—but that’s all the more reason to have conversations to help bridge our divides. It’s time to talk it out. The current divisions hurt our hearts, families, communities, and country.

As you talk it out, it’s important for you to know that studies show that calling people out directly as racist, xenophobic, or sexist usually leaves them further entrenched in their original point of view.²⁸

So what do you say?

A good way to start is to ask an open-ended question so you get a sense of where the person stands and you don’t accidentally open the conversation in an adversarial way. For example: How do you feel about what’s going on in our country?

Next, you can follow up with a specific question that dives in a little deeper: What are you thinking about the rise in white supremacy/xenophobia/sexism/a recent hate crime/[pick a topic in the news]?

Then listen. When the goal is helping someone else see our perspective or hear our experience, one of the most effective methods is to listen first. Pause, and then try to understand where that person is coming from so you can have a genuine dialogue that can elicit empathy and create change. Refraining from immediately arguing back doesn’t mean you’ve lost your moral compass, just that you’re listening.

Once you’re finished listening, then you can (and should!) share your perspective. It’s always helpful to share a personal story of how you or a friend has been affected by whatever issue you are discussing.

Follow-up questions can also be helpful in moving the conversation along in a good way, particularly if you don’t agree. Handy phrases include: Can you share more about why you think this? Or What experiences have you had in your life to make you feel that way? Or Really? That’s not my experience.

It won’t be easy, but don’t give up. Be aware that one conversation is just a start. The goal is to open the door for long-term conversations that can help break down barriers to equity and equality over time. As my colleague Gloria Pan said, “We all need to try as hard as we can to reach outside our bubbles to understand other lives and experiences—to resist the gravitational pull of breaking into small social groups that are similar to us—if we want our country to survive let alone thrive. Having those hard conversations is reaching outside our personal bubbles.”

Keep at it. Often the point of disagreement is where our conversations stop and when we each go back to our differently filtered news sources. But disagreement is where true dialogue really begins, where trust is grown, where minds expand, and where leaps in ideas are made. So it’s time to break the bubbles. To open hearts. To help move our nation forward with love, not backward with hate.

Big shifts in cultural change and understandings can happen one uncomfortable conversation at a time. We all can be part of breaking down barriers to moving our country forward one coffee conversation at a time.

White Women like Me, Let’s Talk for a Moment

There’s a rising tide of racism in our country that has deadly consequences. It’s time to embrace our learning curves and to put fighting racism in our focus (if it isn’t already) as a key part of fighting for women’s rights. We’ve got to stand up and to speak out, particularly through reaching out to other white people who don’t always agree with us. I’ve been listening and learning, and listening some more—and here are some tips on how:

Talk with Other White People

Most people of color are highly aware of racism and xenophobia in America. On the other hand, a recent poll found that only 39 percent of white people thought this was still a problem ³⁰ even though the national statistics clearly prove otherwise. This gap in understanding is in part because white people like me don’t experience racism and xenophobia on a regular basis, so we often don’t fully see what’s happening. Given this situation, it’s important to stand up against discrimination so the burden isn’t solely on people of color to educate white people as a community. So roll up your sleeves and talk with your friends, family, and neighbors. Share data. (There’s a lot of data for use in your conversations in this book.) Share stories. Share your experiences. Talk. Be sure to take time especially with people who don’t fully agree with you and to not let casual racism, xenophobia, and sexism go unchecked. One way to do this is to say something if you hear something. Handy phrases to dive in include: “That’s not necessary.” “Have you thought about what you’re saying?” “Where is that coming from?”

Remind people that the advancement of one group of people absolutely doesn’t come at the expense of other groups of people. That’s not how our nation works. In fact, it works in the opposite way.

Remind Friends That White Women Experience Less Discrimination than Women of Color

Recent polling data show that there are many people who’re still not sure white women experience less discrimination than women of color.³¹ Here are a few quick facts to have handy in conversations if needed:

Women of Color Experience Intense Wage Discrimination

Women, on average, earned just 80 cents to a man’s dollar in 2017 for all year-round full-time workers. That being said, both moms and women of color experience increased wage hits:³² White, non-Hispanic women are earning only 75 cents;³³ Black women only 63 cents; Native American women only 57 cents; and Latina women only 54 cents for every dollar earned by white, non-Hispanic men. Asian American women experience a smaller wage gap on average,³⁴ but still make only 85 cents on average for every dollar made by white non-Hispanic men.³⁵

It’s Easier for White Students to Get into College

A Georgetown University Center on Education and the Workforce report³⁶ recently found that white students are still overrepresented in the nation’s elite institutions. The study found that despite the fact that equal rates of white and minority students are unprepared for college, more white students are admitted to universities.³⁷

It’s Easier for White People to Get a Free Ride

One recent study found that when a bus rider didn’t have money to pay the fare (or their fare card was empty), bus drivers let 72 percent of white testers ride free, but only 36 percent of Black testers.³⁸ On the whole, the study found that Blacks and Indians got fewer free rides than other Asians and whites.³⁹

There Is Rampant Discrimination in Our Criminal Justice System

A whole chapter is devoted to that in this book. Please feel free to use the stats and stories from that chapter in your conversations.

Embrace the Fact That We Won’t Have All the Answers

Clearly none of us, including me, are experts on racism and xenophobia or what it feels like to deal with everyday racism and xenophobia no matter how many books we’ve read or degrees we have hanging on the wall. So it’s important to keep an open mind and to keep listening. Follow leaders who are women of color on social media and in the news to keep up to date on important perspectives. Also, not fully understanding the impact of racism and xenophobia doesn’t mean we step back from speaking out against it.

Listen. Read. Learn. Know History. Follow the Present.

Much of the history taught in school curriculums leaves out the contributions of women, with women of color all too often entirely erased from the pages of history, and the fact that women of color have also faced sexism is also often erased, too. It’s no small coincidence that Rosa Parks was a rape crisis counselor before she ever sat on a bus. There’s a tragic history of unprosecuted sexual violence against Black women and other women of color from the founding of our nation. People tend to forget that Black women were lynched along with Black men. People also tend to forget all that women of color have faced throughout our nation’s history. During a historic suffrage parade in 1913, Black women were asked to march at the back of the parade in a separate segregated group after white women. Black suffragist leader Ida B. Wells bravely marched with her state’s delegation anyway.⁴⁰

To learn more, read The New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander, as well as writings by leaders like Audre Lorde, Brittney Cooper, Marisa Franco, Maria Hinojosa, Ai-Jen Poo, Angela Davis, Patrisse Khan-Cullors, asha bandele, Alicia Garza, Roxane Gay, Rinku Sen, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Monifa Bandele, dream hampton, Jamia Wilson, Malkia Cyril, and many more in books and magazines and on social media.

Follow and Support Women of Color

Find women of color leaders who are doing great work (and there are many). Follow and support their work, agenda, and vision. Solidarity is laying it on the line and following at least part of the time. Find out who is leading on racial justice and immigrant rights advocacy in your community and our nation and follow their leadership.

Look Around

When you’re working in a coalition or leadership group, look up to see who has a seat at the table. If everyone sitting at the table looks exactly the same, then that’s a problem. Our nation is diverse, and to be truly representative and effective, our coalitions and leadership groups must also be diverse from start to finish. Bringing in organizations representing people of color or women (or any group) after the agenda and strategies have been set isn’t really expanding the table. We need to set the table together as we listen to each other’s contributions, priorities, and needs, and then dive into action.

Know That It’s Okay to Be Afraid

Being brave means doing something even though you’re afraid. Many people fear talking about racism and xenophobia. I know I do. As a white woman I know I live and breathe a culture that’s packed with implicit racial and sexual bias each and every day. I know that I’m bound to absorb more than a little of that negativity, whether I intend to or not. I know I’ve messed up in the past, and that I will continue to mess up in the future. Messing up isn’t a fun experience. But white people need to keep trying anyway, because the embarrassment of messing up is nothing compared to the experience of living with xenophobia, racism, and other discrimination.

There is no fight for women’s equity and equality without also fighting against racism and xenophobia. Sexism, racism, heterosexism, xenophobia, and classism are intertwined. And as women who are white we must fight back against all the isms that are swarming around our children, woven through our culture, and part of the fabric of our lives and our nation. Intersectionality is real—and so must be our fight for equality, equity, and justice for everyone.

How to Build Bridges across Differences