In July of 1985 thousands of people from all over the world descended on Montreal, Canada, to celebrate the 50th anniversary of perhaps the most successful worldwide organization in existence. This organization, which has no formal leadership and no political affiliations of any kind, was founded by two “failures,” and has grown to become the most successful group of its kind in history. It does not accept outside financial support from any foundations or corporations, and it never has. Yet it has a membership of millions of people in over 135 countries. It does no formal promotion of any kind. It does not have marketing personnel. It does not allow its members to use its name for personal promotion of any kind.
In fact, all of its members must remain anonymous, for all practical purposes. According to one of this organization’s statements on this issue, “Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.”1 This successful worldwide organization, as you may have guessed, is Alcoholics Anonymous.
The history of A.A. is a fascinating study for anyone interested in successful social movements or organizations, regardless of whether or not one “buys” the A.A. philosophy. Despite the tremendously rapid cultural changes that we have experienced since 1935, A.A. has managed to survive and grow. It has weathered the “good times” of the 50s; the upheaval of the 60s; the sexual revolution of the 70s and the “new me generation” of the 80s. In fact, like cancer-fighting cells in the human body, it is starting to spread even more, and it is changing shape as well.
The original 12 Steps of A.A. have been modified slightly to fit a number of other dysfunctional lifestyles. There is Gamblers Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Cocaine Anonymous, Overeaters Anonymous, Bulimics Anonymous, Spenders Anonymous, Parents Anonymous (for recovering child abusers), Smokers Anonymous, Workaholics Anonymous, Debtors Anonymous and Fundamentalists Anonymous (for people trying to break free from destructive religious orientations), Co-dependents Anonymous and Adult Children Anonymous (for adult children of dysfuctional families).
Are these just passing fads? Is A.A. “in” now because of all the awareness we have about chemical dependency? Will it die out as we find new ways of treating emotional and behavioral problems with drugs or behavior modification?
We don’t think so. There is a saying in A.A. which says, “If it works, don’t fix it.“ Fifty years of success is a tough track record to dispute. We don’t think so because these groups and programs modeled after them are meeting a fundamental human need that all Americans are hungry to get met— the need for healthy intimacy. The need for a place to go where one can talk, share oneself, listen, learn from others and then simply leave at the end of the hour with no strings attached. No politics. No obligations. No one saying, “Okay, I gave you this, now you owe me that.”
The 12 steps of A.A. or any other 12-step group do a few simple things very well. They offer (not demand) a simple program of living that will, over the long haul, help us to correct the crazy painful ways that we learned to live in this world as we were growing up in our own families. Painful ways that our parents learned from their parents, and they from theirs.
In the year of A.A.’s 50th anniversary, we find a new organization coming into its own at a national level. The National Association of Children of Alcoholics, along with Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-Step groups, based on the original 12 steps of A.A., emphasize bringing hope and help to children and adults who grew up in alcoholic homes or other chemically dependent family systems, and they are growing at an astronomical rate.
We also find one of the bestsellers of 1985 being the first-person accounts of famous people’s struggles to recover from the ravages of chemical dependency (Dennis Wholey’s The Courage to Change). Popular articles in newspapers and magazines seem to be zeroing in on chemical dependency and the family system dynamics that go along with dysfunctional and unhealthy dependency in general. And it is this latter issue to which we have devoted this book.
As countless professionals in our field are at last beginning to recognize, it’s not just the alcoholic or cocaine addict in the family who has a problem. Even if there is no chemical dependency in the family, the entire family can operate just like an alcoholic family if the rules that govern the system are the same. In other words, it is not just Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoAs) who can profit from a 12-step group. It is Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families (Adult Children) who can profit, too.
This book is for, about and by Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families. It is written in response to scores of clients with whom we have worked over the years who ask, “Isn’t there anything written on this stuff, the way that you’ve explained it to me?”
It is written to help those of us in recovery remember what our recovery is about and why recovery is a process rather than an event. It is written for those of us who are still in the dark—skeptical, angry perhaps, or just plain lost and searching for some kind of a clue as to why we feel the way that we do.
It is written, above all, to shed if nothing more, a flicker of light on the family dynamics that lead so many of us into an adulthood of addiction, depression, compulsion, unhealthy dependency, stress disorders, unsatisfying relationships and lives of quiet desperation.
1These are the 11th and 12th Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous, reprinted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.