We all know that the quickest way to partygoers’ hearts is through their stomachs, unless you happen to be a heart surgeon—then you are well aware that the quickest way is with a bone saw, surgical clamps, and a scalpel. Offering your guests an abundance of epicurean delights is the best way to ensure your party will be a success. Depending on which type of host you are, you will find that menu planning can be as easy as ordering a dozen pizzas or as difficult as cooking a seven-course gourmet meal. Unless, of course, you are in college, in which case you can just put out a jar of pickles and skip to the Ugly Drinks portion of this chapter.
By the time the guests start to arrive at your party, you have most likely put in hours of hard work preparing for it. The last thing you want to do is stand at the head of the buffet line carving pieces of prime rib. You want to be able to mingle with your guests and enjoy the fruits of your labor. A self-service spread of food and drink can help assure that you will be in the mix of Ugly-Christmas-Sweater–wearing patrons instead of behind a bar mixing drinks for everyone else.
While we have no desire to write a cookbook, unless it is a cookbook about the forty seven different meals you can make with nacho chips, pepperoni slices, and shredded cheese at 3:30 A.M., we have gathered some of our favorite Ugly Christmas Sweater Party food and drink recipes to share with you. Since not very many of you are executive chefs, we have designed these not only to tantalize your fellow Uglies’ taste buds, but also to be easy to whip together. For those of you who are executive chefs, if you are seriously reading our chapter on food and drinks, you may want to consider another profession.
One of our favorite Ugly Christmas Sweater Party snacks is something we call Coniferous Confections. Not only are they sure to win over your guests, but they double as decorations. Coniferous Confections are our take on the traditional Rice Krispies Treats, but with a holiday spin in the form of a Christmas tree. Finally—a party where it is not frowned upon to eat the decorations!
makes six cones
3 tablespoons butter or margarine
32 large marshmallows or 3 cups miniature marshmallows
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 teaspoon green food coloring
4 cups dry toasted oats cereal
About 12 small gumdrops (enough to cover all 6 cones)
Small bowl of very hot water
Heat butter and marshmallows in a saucepan over medium heat until melted. Remove from heat and stir in vanilla and food coloring. Fold in cereal and mix until it is evenly coated. Using buttered hands, quickly shape warm mixture into triangular tree shapes and place them on a piece of waxed paper. For ornaments, thinly slice gumdrops and press them onto the trees. Let sit or eat right away.
Hint: To ease the stickiness of the gumdrops, keep the small bowl of very hot water nearby and continually dip your knife in it as you slice the gumdrops.
Everyone loves bacon. Those of you who say you don’t like bacon, do in fact like bacon. Your taste buds are just liars. With that being said, here is our favorite holiday bacon appetizer, Reindeer Nuts. For those of you trying to watch your girlish figure, try using turkey bacon. But don’t blame us if one of your guests leaves you with an upper decker for not serving real bacon.
16 ounces bacon strips, cut into thirds
Two 8-ounce cans water chestnuts
Barbecue sauce
Wooden toothpicks
Preheat oven to 400° F. Wrap each piece of bacon around one water chestnut, secure with wooden toothpick, and place on baking sheet. Repeat until sheet is full. Bake until bacon looks just about done, then mop on your favorite barbecue sauce and continue to cook until crisp.
Two 8-ounce blocks cream cheese, softened
8 generous dashes garlic powder
4 tablespoons mayonnaise
Dash lemon juice
8 green onions
12 slices pastrami or corned beef
Place softened cream cheese in a mixing bowl. Add garlic powder, mayonnaise, and lemon juice; set aside. Finely dice green onions and pastrami. Add to cream cheese mixture and blend with clean hands. Form into an oblong log, chill, and serve with your favorite crackers.
Hint: This log may be rolled in finely chopped walnuts or pecans (“bark”); however, we prefer to leave the log exposed to show the festive red and green Christmas colors.
One thing is for sure: You’d better make sure that the sweaters are not the only cheesy things floating around your party. Cheese is a staple of any good spread of food. Whether it is served in chunks, curds, slices, or finely grated over the gelatin mold, cheese is a must. If you do, in fact, find yourself standing over the gelatin mold with a cheese grater, reach for the following ball of fun.
Whether you choose to use some of our gourmet recipes or bake your not-so-famous Brussels sprout souffle, make sure to have enough food for your guests to gorge themselves on. We all know what happens when Uncle Rico drinks on an empty stomach, and nobody wants to be in county lockup wearing an Ugly Christmas Sweater. Not even Uncle Rico.
When it comes to the drinks, you cannot just plop a keg in the corner with some red plastic cups and consider the matter taken care of. Unless, of course, your party is being held in a double-wide, in which case please check out our children’s book, Santa Doesn’t Visit Trailer Parks Because There Aren’t Any Chimneys.
We aren’t saying you can’t have a keg of your favorite pilsner. We are saying you should include some of your favorite holiday-themed cocktails as well. Nobody expects to show up at your shindig and see you flinging bottles through the air like Tom Cruise in Cocktail, but mixing up some tasty concoctions is easier than you may think. Given that an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party is a holiday party, we suggest you mix up some holiday spirits. The first thing that comes to mind when everyone thinks about holiday drinks is, of course, the Shamrock Shake from McDonald’s. The second is eggnog.
Eggnog is a surefire way to get everybody in the holiday spirit, and, depending on how strong you make it, out of their Ugly Christmas Sweaters. We were faced with the daunting task of sampling numerous eggnog recipes to find out which one we should share with you. After we sobered up, apologized to the neighbors, and returned the goat to the farmer down the street, we picked our favorite.
12 eggs
1 quart milk
1 pint heavy cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 pint whiskey
1 cup white sugar
Ground nutmeg to taste
Separate egg yolks and egg whites into two bowls. Set aside bowl with egg whites. In a large bowl, mix milk, cream, egg yolks, vanilla, and whiskey by hand until smooth and creamy. Gradually add sugar while continuing to whip until mixture is stiff. Fold egg whites into egg yolk mixture, and pour into a punch bowl. Serve in mugs garnished with a dash of nutmeg.
A belly full of food and eggnog can leave people feeling warm and fuzzy inside, but it may also leave some feeling quite drowsy. Before you reach for that coffee pot and ruin a perfectly good buzz, why not offer your guests a pick-me-up that won’t leave them sober and wondering how much longer they have to stay? Instead, whip them up an alcoholic energy drink. We do suggest that you are selective while handing these out, though. If you think your mother-in-law is an annoying drunk, just wait until you see her drunk and alert.
Here is an easy way to keep your party hoppin’ into the wee hours of the night.
5 ounces any green-colored energy drink (per serving)
1 ounce vodka (per serving)
1 peppermint stick (per serving)
Pour energy drink and vodka into shaker filled with ice to chill. Shake for 30 seconds, then pour into glass filled with ice. Garnish with peppermint stick.
No party is complete without a giant punch bowl filled with some sort of fruity, tasty, mystery mixture. Now it is up to you to determine how much of this bowl is filled with fruit drinks, and how much of it is filled with the good stuff. Keep in mind, however, that the amount of alcohol in the bowl has been scientifically proven to be heavily correlated with the success of your party. That being said, we leave you with one of our secret weapons from our Ugly Christmas Sweater Party arsenal of drinks: Everyone Gets Blitzened. It’s not just a funny play on words, either; it’s a foregone conclusion. Take the keys away from everyone you see drinking from this bowl of broth. You may also want to pin peoples’ home addresses onto their Ugly Christmas Sweaters, because they may not be speaking too clearly, or at all, by the time they get in a cab.
Three .75-liter bottles vodka
Two .75-liter bottles Bacardi 151 rum
One .75-liter bottle peppermint schnapps
One .75-liter bottle sour apple schnapps
One .75-liter bottle triple sec
One .75-liter bottle gin
Four .75-liter bottles Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill Wine
8 liters fruit punch
Five 2-liter bottles lemon-lime soda
1 liter orange juice
Two 12-ounce cans orange juice concentrate
Mix all ingredients in large punch bowl. Chill with ice. Stand back and watch party start.
