Chapter 4 Finding Friends: Your Social or Antisocial College Life

Dear Harlan,

I started college a month ago, and I haven’t made any friends. I have a roommate, but she has friends from her high school and doesn’t seem to want to make any new friends. All of the people on my floor seem to have their own groups already, and I don’t think I can fit in with them. I think this is a problem for me, because I am very shy, and people see me differently because of it. I just can’t seem to get over my shyness, and it is affecting my whole life. I need some advice on how to make some friends, because I don’t think I can go through school without them.

—Friendless

Dear Friendless,

Unless you start a club on campus called “Shy People on Campus” and hold meetings in your room, you’ll actually need to leave your room to make new friends. (Even if you did start the SPOC club, most people would be too shy to come to the first meeting.)

Considering that most shy people don’t like attention and work to avoid situations where they feel like they’re being judged, you should work to put yourself in group situations where the activity, not you, is the focus. Activities like sports, academic associations, performing arts, fraternities and sororities, religious organizations, and various clubs and activities will work. Pick a group that doesn’t need to select you. Also, a part-time job can be helpful. The idea is to put yourself in rooms with people over a long period of time. As these people become more familiar, you’ll become more comfortable and will naturally make friends. It just takes time, work, and patience. And if none of this advice works, head to the counseling office and get help. The problem might be more than just being shy.

Take advantage of the new beginning. Do not let who you were in high school determine who you will be in college.

In high school, I was more of a floater, with some redeeming traits. In truth, I was not the most outgoing guy. Yeah, I was sociable, yet only had a small circle of friends. I tried to be involved in school activities, but I did not always belong.

Once I got into college, however, my eyes were opened to a new world of opportunities, friendships, and romance. Because everything was so new and so different, I didn’t feel that others judged me as much. Once I figured out that all these people were as out of place and as afraid as I was, it all became so much easier for me to be open, friendly, and receptive to the people around me. I have now become a leader in the classroom, and thankfully in my own life, with all my friends who share the same awkwardness that I once had. The harder the lessons learned, the greater the reward earned.

Imagine being trapped inside a life-size snow globe—one of those small souvenir globes with water and fake snow inside that resembles an instant blizzard when shaken. If you’re unfamiliar with the snow globe, go to Google or Yahoo or Bing and do a search for “souvenir snow globes.” I just did the search and found a New York snow globe that would look perfect in any dorm room. A great conversation piece.

“Roommates and friends of roommates are easy to be friends with at first—it’s convenient. But I think they should be one of two groups of friends. I missed out on meeting a lot of cool people who I realized I was more compatible with because I clung onto the first people I met.”

Okay, now imagine yourself inside that snow globe. Instead of the “I Love New York” image, substitute your college campus inside the dome. Instead of snow, throw in some fecal matter. Now, imagine shaking the hell out of it. The frenzy that results inside represents the first few weeks of college. At times, it’s a sh*tstorm. It’s controlled chaos; everyone scrambling to find friends, to find their classes, and to just find their place on campus. This is all totally normal. This is what the first few weeks (or even months) of college life are all about. If you know there will be a storm, you can come equipped to weather the conditions.

You’re dealing with a lot of new factors—new friends, new classes, new reputations, possibly new roommates, new clothes, and new professors. It’s all so new that people don’t know you at all—you start off as a stranger. Who you were in high school no longer matters. If you were someone popular, you have to start over. If you weren’t all that popular, you also get to start over. There is no such thing as popular or unpopular now, because no one here knows who you are or what you were in high school (assuming everyone from your high school doesn’t go to the same school). Everyone gets a new start, and what you make of it is up to you. That said, starting over can be lonely and confusing at times.

“I never tried to make friends and ended up hanging out by myself a lot. My second semester, I ended up joining a few clubs and meeting new people. After that, I became more sociable and made lots of friends.”

When it comes to making friends during the first few weeks of college, it can be overwhelming. So, instead of trying too hard to figure it all out, do what you love doing and you’ll naturally meet people with whom you share something in common. It’s not about who is interested in you, it’s about who YOU find interesting. When you get confused and uncomfortable, lean on what’s familiar, like the things you participated in back in high school. Once the snow settles—and once the friendship storm settles—your world will be easier to navigate and you’ll find your new friends. Just expect it to be a little stormy at times.

If you don’t like the snow globe analogy, imagine a bobblehead doll with its head bobbing uncontrollably. It takes a while for things to stop bobbling (is that a word?). Once things calm down, you can find balance and lasting friendships.

Do not be afraid to take a risk once you arrive on your college campus. Approaching someone at the food court might be intimidating, but a friendship is the best result!

Unlike most college students, I did not move away. I went to a university within driving distance from my home in order to save money to go abroad, amongst other reasons. None of my high school friends went with me, and for a long time, I was depressed because I wasn’t having the “college experience.” Going to a commuter college often means that students go to class, then go home. It wasn’t until my second semester (of loneliness) that I realized no one was going to approach me, and I needed to put myself out there! So I started looking for people in the food court eating alone who I thought would be friendly. It took some guts, but I asked them about the book they were reading, and if they responded nicely, they usually asked me to sit down. I met two of my best friends that way. Try it. Most commuter students (and even noncommuter students) feel lonely and will never turn down an invitation for company.

“I’m trapped between going to class and returning to my apartment to study, and I can’t make friends this way.”

If you want college to be a bigger version of high school, then just surround yourself with people you already know, and skip to the next tip. Go. Now. I mean it!

Some students leave for college panicked that they won’t find new friends. If they’re not going to a school with friends, they’re not sure how they’ll make friends. This is a big worry, but most of the time it’s a waste of energy. The reason it’s a waste is because most people come to college without friends, and the friendless need friends. That’s why making friends the first few months tends to be relatively easy. Even if you don’t find friends the first few months, if you arrive on campus with patience and a plan to find places and people, you’ll be too busy to freak out. If you think that everyone already has friends it’s typically because they’ve come to school with friends or they’re hanging out with temporary friends (more on that later). There are always people interested in making new friends.

“Involvement on campus, nonalcohol related, is the way to true friendships.”

If you’re out of your room, living life, and getting involved with college life, doing what you love to do, you’ll make friends. It just happens over time. It happens in class, in the residence halls, at parties, with friends of friends, when working campus jobs, when involved with student government, when playing intramural sports, when joining fraternities and sororities, in the laundry room or the library. Like catching a stomach flu or an STD/STI, if you expose yourself to the action, it’s much more likely to happen.

“If you want to meet new people, join as many clubs and organizations as possible. I came into college completely alone. None of my friends were attending the same school and I missed my freshman orientation. I didn’t think I’d meet anyone. After complaining to my mother about feeling so out of place, she suggested that I see what kinds of organizations there were on campus. I looked into some and ended up joining three clubs my freshman year. It was the best thing I ever did!”

It doesn’t happen if you stay in your room or your car (commuters). You need to get out from behind locked doors. If you’re too shy to approach a stranger, find a study group in class. If you aren’t living in a place where there are lots of other new students, join clubs, activities, organizations, and religious groups. These are all easy places to make friends. Having a job forces you to be around new people. After you take part in an activity, you’ll get to know the people there. Then, with time, POOF, you’ll have new friends.

People are looking for you to be their new friend. Help them find you. Beware: not all friends you make the first year will become lifelong friends (see Tip #27).

It might seem like you know someone, but it takes time to really know new friends. Be careful.

I was really good friends with a girl down the hall. My roommate and I had gotten into a fight that weekend. I was talking to one of my new good friends over IM about the situation. Later that night, the roommate of my new friend comes into my room and tells me that my roommate, the one that I had been fighting with, had been allowed to see the IM message that I thought was only being seen by my friend. I couldn’t believe that she would do that to me. That’s when I learned that it takes a while to trust new friends. From that point on, I’ve been much more careful with what I tell people. I only tell others the things that I don’t mind other people finding out about. New friends are different than high school friends. It takes a while to find people that you know you can trust. In high school, you’ve known your friends for years. In college, you’ve only known them for a few months, and you don’t really know everything yet.

College friends are different than high school friends. They look different, sound different, dress different, talk different, smell different, and have different names (in most cases); they are different people and you haven’t had a lot of time to get to know them well.

The friends you have from high school are the friends that you’ve shared so much with over the years. In a lot of friendships, you’ve gone from a boy to a man, girl to woman, bike to car, homecoming to prom, uneducated to educated, single to involved, virgin to nonvirgin (in some cases; see Tip #66), innocent to guilty, and so on. Some friends have even been through elementary school, middle school, and high school together. High school friends are the only friends you’ve ever known, with whom you’ve shared a lifetime of memories.

“You really learn who your friends are and aren’t when you get into trouble—the ones who talk behind your back aren’t your true friends.”

Assuming you don’t know people on your new campus, the transition can be anxiety-provoking. New friends take time to grow. Like adjusting to a new pair of shoes, new hairstyle, or new operating system on your cell phone, it takes time to get comfortable with new friends. New friends can’t compare to high school friends, so don’t compare them.

A lot of people leave for college thinking they will make new friends immediately, and they panic if they don’t. But the real problem is thinking that it all should happen so fast. It’s not normal. Friendships take a long time to form. Like making fine wine (not that you can legally drink it), it’s a process that depends on the essential ingredient of time (not to be confused with the spice thyme, which shouldn’t be present in a good wine). Think about high school friends. It took a good two years to form a close friendship. Want lifelong friends? Put yourself in lots of places with lots of people doing things you love to do over a long period of time and friendships will form. Be patient, get involved, meet people, do new things, live life, and you’ll naturally build good, stable friendships—or bad, shaky friendships (depending on the kind of friends you’re looking to find).

“Do not judge people right away. Labels don’t hold. Stereotypes don’t fit.”

It takes time to know who has your back and who is going to stab you in the back.

Don’t be disappointed if the people you were best friends with your freshman year are not around by the end of college.

We met through a mutual friend and become close friends freshman year. We all lived on campus then, not too far from each other. We were such close friends; we’d even go home together once in a while. We went to parties together. We just pretty much hung out all the time. She was one of my best friends. Junior year we started to grow apart. There wasn’t a fight or blowout. We just started to have more work to do. See, when you’re a freshman, there’s more time to hang out. As we got older, there was much more to do and less time to hang out. When you have two different people and two different majors, you can’t always connect. The people that I’m closest with are people that I share a major with. We go to classes together, we study together, and we hang out together. My freshman friend and I don’t live near each other at all. It’s important to not take it personally if you’re not friends with the same people sophomore, junior, or senior year. Don’t think there’s anything wrong. People grow apart. It’s not like high school. Friends come and go.

Take a good look around (assuming you’re reading this while at college—otherwise, remember to take a good look around when you get to school). The people around you who you’ll soon call friends the first few months of college might not be your friends next semester, next month, or next week. Don’t freak out. It’s not just you—it’s everyone.

Friends made the first few weeks are like seasonal fashion—some lose their appeal after a while. It’s not until months into college that you begin to see who your friends are and are not. And that can change, too. A lot of the friends you make the first year of college are what I like to call “friends of convenience.” It works like this—the people you tend to be friends with the first couple months of college are the people you tend to be around a lot, like the people in your residence hall, people from classes, people you rush with (if you’re pledging a fraternity or sorority—see Tip #35). As you get more involved on campus and put yourself in more rooms with more people, you’ll naturally meet more people. Some will want to be your friend, others won’t. That’s normal. You don’t have to be mean to them; there are enough friends for everyone.

“Instead of trying to get involved in everything and be friends with everyone, be intentional about what you do. The deepest friendships develop with the people you spend time with. I spent my first two years juggling my time between many different activities. And as a result, I have many ‘Hi’ friends. My most meaningful relationships have come as a result of spending time with a smaller number of people.”

Most new students go through friends like they go through toilet paper the first few months of college (that cafeteria food can be harsh on the system). Know that this friend-today-gone-tomorrow phenomenon is to be expected. At the same time, a lot of the people you meet those first few months will become great friends—even lifelong friends. Not all of them are a temporary convenience.

Important note: should you find yourself without temporary friends those first few months, don’t freak out. As you get more comfortable and more involved on campus, you will meet more people who will become your friends. There are people waiting to be your new friend right now. It’s just hard to see because a lot of these future friends are hanging out with temporary friends, wishing and waiting to meet someone like you.

College friends the first year of school are like the weather—hard to predict. They blow in and blow out without notice, and they run hot and cold. But sunny days with bright new friendships are in the forecast.

I went to the University of Michigan and most of my friends stayed close to home. My fear was that everyone would hang out with each other and I’d be left with no one. I was afraid I would be out of sight, out of mind. When I got to school, I got along with my roommate, which helped a lot. I also play some basketball, so I met some guys that way. After a few weeks, I had made some new friends on campus. I stopped worrying so much about being left out when it came to my high school friends. It was easy to stay in touch with friends from home through email and IM. Everyone has cell phones. When we all went back to our high school for homecoming it was like nothing had changed. Everyone had stories, but it wasn’t much different. That’s how it’s been every time we’ve seen each other. They come and visit at least once a semester or I see them. I think they like it better here. I’m surprised how little our friendship changed. It’s cool—I have my college friends and my high school friends.

They aren’t going anywhere. If you want to stay in touch with them, you can email, text, IM, call, visit, chat, and have them visit you. You’ll meet their friends and their friends will meet your new friends. Sure, your friendships will change, but they can change for the better. You can’t stay in high school forever (you could try, but I don’t know how long you can stay before they’d ask you to leave the premises). Between coming home for breaks (if away at school), seeing each other over the summers, and visiting each other at school, you can still hang out with your friends. If you outgrow a high school friendship, then it wasn’t a very good one.

Whatever you do, do NOT compare your college experience to your friends’ college experiences. If you’re having a crappy time and your friends are having an amazing time at another school, don’t immediately give up and think that you should transfer. They might be having a terrible time in a few months or in the next year (or they might be covering up the truth because they’re having a hard time and don’t want to admit it). It might take you a little longer to get comfortable. The dynamics of your college experience are completely unique to you. Your friends might know more people on campus than you do. They might be more involved. They might have an RA who helps them meet people more easily. Who knows, and who cares—all that matters is what’s happening with you. Remember, Facebook headlines, tweets, and texts don’t tell the whole story. Don’t get stuck in the headlines about how everyone’s life is better than yours. It’s just not true.

My first semester at college was hard. I didn’t know anyone. My friends were at a state school having an amazing time (so it appeared). College sucked. I started to feel sorry for myself rather than actually working to find my place in college. I compared my experience to those of my friends at other schools. But they can’t be compared. It’s like comparing a cow to a cat. Mine was the cow, and theirs were all cats.

Whatever anybody tells you, cow-tipping (pushing cows over while they sleep) is dangerous and mean.

•ATTEND summer and fall orientation programs and events. If your school says they are optional, make them required. Whether it’s a weeklong summer program or week of welcome events, get involved and go to them. If you don’t have anyone to go with, then go alone and pretend you’re meeting someone. Sure enough, you’ll meet someone. You might even meet me if I’m speaking on campus.

•Get out. Unless you order carry-out and become friends with the people delivering your food, friends won’t come knocking on your door, begging you to hang out. Get out of your room. Study outside your room, get involved, and put yourself out there so people can find you.

•Take advantage of student organizations. These are great places to make friends. If you do what you have fun doing, the people you’re doing it with naturally become your friends. (See the next chapter.)

•Do not hang out with just your high school friends. The biggest mistake is to go to college and remain in your former circle of friends. Branch out. Go with one friend to an event, club, or organization and talk to the other people there. Make sure you meet people during your first year. It’s way too easy to use your friends that you came to school with as a crutch.

•Get in touch with grads. Before leaving for college, connect with your high school college counselor or the department that deals with alumni relations. Email or call students who are at the school you’re going to attend. Find them via Facebook if you don’t know them that well. Ask them any questions you have. Who knows, you might even make a friend.

•Attend welcome week festivities/activities. Attend as many of the welcome week events as possible. While you might think some of them seem boring, they’re actually a good time. Go to the BBQ, see a band, watch a speaker. (It could even be me—I also play the guitar during my shows. Check out my stuff on my YouTube channel: www.YouTube.com/HarlanCohendotcom.)