Chapter 8 Dating and Relationships: Your Higher Education in Lust, Love, and Loss

Sixth Edition Naked Message
If you can’t handle NO, you’re not ready for YES. Tattoo it on a body part you see on a regular basis (maybe, a little severe). But this is true of dating, relationships, and sexual consent in college. The problem with dating is that we suck at NO. We hate it. Students get drunk, hook up, and do whatever they can to avoid having to face the possibility of NO. We hate rejection. I hope the following chapters (and my book on dating) can help you rethink dating, relationships, sex, love, and intimacy. Really, if you can’t talk to that guy or girl in English class while sober, how can you talk about consent? This chapter, my advice column, videos, and books can help.

Dear Harlan,

I am a freshman in college and living in a coed dorm. I met this girl in September who lives down the hall. I have had a slight crush on her since then. Just recently we had a four-hour conversation together, which is the longest I have ever had with anyone. That night I found out she liked a fellow coworker, but she recently gave up that crush because he is under eighteen. I am confused as to what I should do. Should I continue to talk to her or should I tell her my interest?

—Dazed and Most Definitely Confused

Dear Dazed,

My longest conversation with a woman was for just over five hours. It was in high school. It cost $1.99 a minute. She really liked me.

Here’s a quick way to clear this up in under a minute of talking time. Walk up to her and say, “I had so much fun the other night. Let’s do it again, but next time, let’s get something to eat.” That’s all it takes. Then it would be a date.

The door of opportunity is open. Your chance is here. The time is now. You should continue talking to her and express your interest. If she’s interested, great. If not, assume that it’s because it’s too uncomfortable for her to date someone on the same floor. To not say something would be the greatest risk of all. At least give her a chance to be more than just a friend. She deserves a chance. Just don’t wait too long. The more time that passes, the closer to eighteen that underage coworker of hers gets.

Relax, chill, and talk to the people you want to date without getting stuck in your head.

I was way too worried about what girls thought about me and how I could get as many as possible to hook up with me. I’d either say nothing or say the wrong things. It took over my life. Until I relaxed, found a life in college, and stopped trying so hard, relationships eluded me. I was too intense and uptight. Once I relaxed, it became so much more manageable. It took me a few years to figure it out, but now I’m there and much happier.

Please note: this tip can get you a date. If you put cologne or perfume on this page and rub it on you, it can be even more effective.

Dating and love are 90 percent amazing and 10 percent BS. The secret is never allowing the 10 percent to take up 100 percent of your time. Some of you might plan on hooking up in college (note: a hookup can be anything from a hug to procreation). Some of you might plan on dating in college. Some of you might plan on finding your future husband, wife, or partner. Dating in college works like this: if you’re in a room long enough, you will hook up. If you’re in a room with alcohol it can often happen faster (NOT recommended, bad idea, put down the bottle NOW). Anyone can find someone warm if they are in rooms long enough—but not everyone can find a healthy, long-lasting relationship built on trust and mutual respect. Whatever you desire, I can help you find it or keep it.

It all starts with appreciating and believing that you live in a world of options. The truth is there are thousands of people who want to hold you, love you, and spread love oils on you (if you’re into that). NEVER NEVER NEVER forget that you live in a world of options. Thousands of people will want you. Millions will not. Focus on the ones who want you and move beyond the ones who don’t. If you don’t believe thousands will want you, make it 100, or 50, or 10 people. But there are options. If you don’t believe me, consider spending a semester studying abroad in China or India so you can meet some of the billions of people who will want you. If you still don’t believe me, make an appointment with the campus therapist.

“Don’t date just because you think you’re supposed to date. There is a lot of pressure when you go to school to get involved with someone. It might seem like finding a relationship or finding someone to be with will help make things better, but it doesn’t make it better. Wait until you find someone who can appreciate you for everything that makes up all the parts of you.”

Five Steps to Finding a Date While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober (from my book Getting Naked)

1.Embrace the Secret Truth. The Universal Rejection Truth of dating and relationships says that thousands of people will want you, but millions will not. Focus on who you want. NOT who wants you. Rejection is as normal and natural as breathing oxygen. To fight the URT is to fight nature. Once you accept the truth, you can come out of rejection denial. Rejection denial is a dark and dangerous place where you think everyone you like should like you. When someone doesn’t want what you want, you hate, fight, and hide. BUT once you accept the truth, you can give people permission to not always want you. Like deodorant, once you apply the URT to your everyday life, you will no longer stink at taking risks. The answer: give the world permission to want you and NOT want you. Then, focus on what YOU want.

2.Train (preferably in a thong). In order to take risk after risk and tolerate rejection, you need to do work. I call this training in your thong. Training means acknowledging what makes you uncomfortable and working to be your personal best in your physical, emotional, and spiritual thong. It involves looking in the mirror (in a thong) and acknowledging your favorite and least favorite qualities. It’s working to change what you don’t love (in a healthy way) and learning to love the things you can’t change. It’s turning to people in your corner who can tell you what you need to hear and what you want to hear. Once you begin your training, you can start to put yourself in more rooms with more people. You can say what you think and do what you feel without fear and regret. It’s the difference between living a life driven by passion and living one paralyzed by fear.

3.No excuses. Excuses are things we create to cover up the insecurities hanging out of our thongs. Instead, let excuses lead you to answers. When you can’t say what you think or do what you feel, ask yourself why. When you find yourself making an excuse, ask yourself if you’re using excuses to avoid taking a risk because you’re afraid of rejection or if it’s a valid reason.

4.DO IT. Say what you think. Do what you feel. Remember, no matter what happens, it will be a success. Success is not about YES or NO. Success is taking action. Taking the risk = guaranteed success.

5.Celebrate, reflect, and repeat. If the risk goes as planned—awesome. If not, that’s awesome too. Celebrate the fact that you have the testicles or ovaries to say what you think and do what you feel. If the risk doesn’t go as planned, figure out why. If you’ve trained for the sport of taking risks and are comfortable in your thongs, you can discover why you’re not getting what you want. Once you find answers, repeat steps 1–4 until you get what you want.

WARNING: If any of this is too uncomfortable for you, make an appointment with a therapist on campus. Finding a date, finding love, and getting married doesn’t mean you are comfortable taking risks—it just means you were probably in a room long enough or in a room with alcohol and met someone when you least expected it.

Thousands of people will want you…millions will not. NEVER let the ones who don’t want you keep you from meeting the ones who do.

If you’re looking for something noncommitted, ambiguous, and uncomfortable, then the hookup is the perfect love—I mean lust—connection.

I came to college never having had a serious boyfriend. I met this guy on my floor a week after getting here. We hung out a few times and made out—nothing more. I thought we were together, but he didn’t think so. To me, hanging out meant something. Once I joined a sorority, it all became that much more blurred. Just because you take a guy to a dance doesn’t mean that you’re a couple. It doesn’t even matter what happens when you’re together. More than once, I thought things were more than they were. As time went on, it became clear that the lack of clarity was the only clear part of it all. The best advice I’d give to myself or to freshmen is to talk about what you want before you get involved with someone. It makes it so much easier. Don’t be afraid to be honest. If someone won’t hang out with you, then you’re better off without him. Unless you are the one to talk about it, no one will talk about it. That’s when things kind of get weird. Talk about it and make up your rules as you go along.

“Don’t develop feelings over a text message. I didn’t follow my own advice and pretty much ended up heartbroken, because I got so excited that something might happen.”

The college hookup is the most common of the college relationships (although “hookup” is an insult to the word “relationship”). The hookup is an intimate encounter involving anything from kissing to full sex, void of any commitment. It’s easier than dating because you don’t have to state your intention. You can just let nature take its course. Due to the lack of communication involved with the college hookup, it’s set up to be a confusing and ambiguous relationship. The college hookup can fall into one of the following seventeen categories:

hooking up with a teaching assistant, resident assistant, or inappropriate helper

a go-to guy or girl who is the backup love buddy (a.k.a.: the 3 a.m. text message booty call)

The problem with hookups—once the hookup is hung up, confusion ensues. Because there isn’t a lot of clear communication before the hookup, there is even less afterwards. Yes, a few hours ago you were locked in each other’s loins; post-hookup, you’re too afraid to text or say hi. And this is why the hookup becomes the drama of your morning, afternoon, and night. It eats up all of your energy. Seeing the person, thinking about the person, contemplating texting the person—it’s an emotional whirlwind. But it doesn’t have to be that way. All you have to do is talk to your partner before you get naked (or partially naked). Ask what happens after the hookup. If your hookup partner is too busy getting naked to listen, then he or she is not the right partner—that is, unless you’re looking for confusion, questions, and drama. Going slow or saying NO teaches you what someone wants. Impatient people who don’t listen to you do not care about you or your feelings. They care about getting laid and hooking up. If you say what you want before you get naked, you will know what you’re getting into (or who is getting into you). As a rule, if you demand respect, you will command respect. That is, unless you prefer to be disrespected.

“It’s fun to look out of my window in the early morning on the weekends. That’s when you see all the people taking the ‘walk of shame’ in their clothes from the night before. These are the people who hooked up and have to walk home in the morning. It’s something worth seeing.”

“I have a lot of girlfriends who have a lot of regrets about past hookups from freshman and sophomore year. If you have regrets, don’t dwell on it—just don’t do it anymore.”

The College Hookup = confusing, unstable, and often resulting in itching, burning, and a visit to the health center.

Don’t get so wrapped up in dating, in finding your significant other, that you lose yourself in the process. I spent most of my freshman year in relationships with different guys. By the time sophomore year began, I realized that I was having trouble picturing myself alone, without someone by my side. And then, one of my other guy friends confessed that he had feelings for me. But I knew I wasn’t ready. Don’t make the same mistake that I did. Spend some time getting to know yourself for who YOU are BEFORE you lose yourself in someone else’s arms.

If you don’t love yourself, you’re always going to be depending on someone to love you. You’ll always be looking for someone to save you. The most dangerous part of falling in love for the first time is that if you don’t love yourself, there’s way too much at stake. I know. It happened to me.

When I found love, I didn’t even like myself. I was a teenager with a terrible self-image. A little background—I was really overweight until my junior year in high school. I weighed about 192 pounds on a 5-feet-2-inch frame my freshman year in high school. A girl once told me I was too fat to date. This set me up to feel totally defective, uncomfortable, and never good enough. Then, something happened. I fell in love.

A popular, intelligent, and beautiful woman loved me. She was a swimmer, student council treasurer, and in the homecoming court. I loved her more than I loved myself (not too hard). When I went to college we did the long-distance thing. She was a senior in high school and I was a freshman in college. As I struggled, she thrived. The relationship began to deteriorate. At one point, her dad compared our relationship to a dying puppy—urging her to shoot the puppy. She dumped me. I was devastated.

It took me years to realize what I did wrong. I NEVER loved myself. I never worked to love myself. I still work on it. It’s a lifetime project. The greatest gift you can give yourself and your future partners is to work to love yourself. I call this process training in your thong (metaphor). I could call it getting comfortable in your skin, but a thong shows all our biggest fears and insecurities. There are three things you need to do in order to train to love yourself:

1.Train in your physical thong. Look in the mirror and examine yourself physically. If you don’t love what you see, ask yourself what you can do to change what you don’t love and tolerate what you can’t change. Turn to five people, put yourself in three places, and be patient while you create change. Work on it. Appreciate that your least favorite qualities will be the things others love about you (example: my protruding ears have become an asset).

2.Train in your emotional thong. Look in the mirror and reflect on your secrets, fears, and insecurities in the mirror. Change what you don’t love and work to tolerate what you can’t change. Reach out to your five people, put yourself in places to work on you, and be patient. Turn your fears and insecurities into a source of strength.

3.Train in your spiritual thong. The best way to describe this—what do you have in your life that gives you pleasure that no one can take away? What makes you interesting? What fills you up with happiness? Put yourself in places where you can sweat, play, and pray. Do things you love to do. Turn to people doing things you would love to do and people who can direct you. And be patient. It takes time to get GREAT at doing new things.

Loving yourself is about getting comfortable in your skin and knowing that you’re attractive, good enough, and interesting with or without a partner. When you love yourself, you can say what you think, do what you feel, set boundaries, demand respect, command respect, and live a life driven by passion.

We started dating in November of my freshman year. He lived down the hall on the same floor, which is how we met. In the beginning, it was fun because I had someone to date who lived down the hall. It would be easy to spend the night together. I didn’t have to get up early to go home because I was already home. Right before finals week is when it got very frustrating. If I wasn’t in class or I wasn’t with him, he asked where I was and why I wasn’t with him. And then people were asking about us—and it wasn’t fun anymore. We just kind of decided it was too much and we wanted to be friends. Once I broke up with him, I found more friends on the floor and became so much closer with them. I got to see my roommate more and now we’re best friends.

“If I could start all over, I would tell someone not to rush into a relationship. If you rush into something, it may feel too perfect and then, when it ends, it crushes you. I wish someone had told me not to get too involved too fast. I’m someone who got crushed.”

Messing around with a neighbor (a.k.a. “dormcest” or “hallcest”) might seem great when it’s all good, but when it goes bad, you want to be as far away as possible. The person who was once your convenient love becomes your inconvenient nightmare neighbor. Don’t be so quick to date next door. It can go bad as fast as it begins.

“I met my girlfriend in the laundry room. I was sitting on top of the machine waiting for my clothes to dry and she was sitting next to me on her washing machine.”

Remember that part about being able to walk down the hall to your room in the morning after shacking up? It’s no longer a good thing. And the part about sharing a dining hall and seeing that person at every meal? Meals together will now make you sick. And also, that part about having so many of the same friends you both hung out with? Now that’s just too uncomfortable. Then there’s seeing who he or she is now dating. Things close by are good until they go good-bye, and most relationships will go bye-bye at some time or another. Think twice before grabbing that person close by just because it’s convenient. Besides, it’s just lazy. There is a lot of love in a lot of places if you’re willing to take the risk to find the loving.

“Dating your teaching assistant might seem like fun, but the fun ends when you break up and have to see your TA in class. Besides, it’s completely against the rules.”

That brings me to relationships of convenience. What seems good and easy turns out to be the complete opposite. Things like hooking up with a neighbor down the hall, someone at work, or with your good friend’s ex are just bad ideas—especially when it comes to hooking up with an ex. It’s convenient, it’s easy, and really, it’s also lower than low. Sure, it’s hard to meet attractive people, but it’s also weak to prey on a good friend’s ex. Assuming that most relationships don’t last forever, when the love fades, you’ll be left without your girlfriend or boyfriend and without a close friend.

“He promised nothing would happen and that we’d just talk. I fell for the act and next thing I know I’m in his room, in his bed, and he is trying to shove his tongue down my throat. I left. The night ended up being embarrassing for me, frustrating for him, and a nightmare for the rest of the semester.”

If you want to find some lovin’ that won’t leave you jobless, friendless, or afraid to leave your room at night, follow Tip #29 and all of chapter 5. There are plenty of partners. We each have thousands of options (many don’t live in the same country or speak the same language—yet another reason to take a language of the Orient). Don’t choose the easy or lazy route when it comes to finding love. Chances are you’ll only be left lonely and full of regret and in hiding from your neighbors.

Tip #57

Long-Distance Relationships (LDRs)

*PLEASE READ THIS TIP CAREFULLY:
I want to be clear: again, I think long-distance relationships can work. The following tip and story is NOT my advice. It’s one student’s opinion. More after you read this tip.

When I came to college, I had been seeing a guy for about a year. He was my first serious boyfriend. It was a great relationship in high school. He went to a community college at home while I went away to a new place and experienced a lot of new things. We decided to stay together, even though we are a few hours apart. It worked. We both had the same cell phone plan so we would call each other for free at least once a day. We saw each other every other week. Trust was never an issue. The relationship was safe—it allowed me to meet more people at college, but still know I had a boyfriend.

Fast-forward to my sophomore year. I ended up meeting a guy in March. At the time, I was having doubts about my high school sweetheart, but stayed together because, again, it was easy and familiar. Meeting this other guy made me realize there are other options that I could be secure with. I’m not the type to cheat, so I decided to end things with my boyfriend before anything happened. My boyfriend was surprised—I told him that if it was meant to be, we would find each other again. Because he was my first boyfriend I needed to see what was out there to better define what I needed in a relationship. We’re still good friends.

“While long-distance relationships sound like a challenge, they tend to be a disaster. I ended up being cheated on, despite my girlfriend’s constant critiquing of my decision. I always wanted to believe it would work and did a great job convincing myself it was worthwhile. Don’t delude yourself—no matter what you had, it won’t translate hundreds or even thousands of miles—no amount of IM, cell phone conversations, or planned trips can reverse the fact.”

Want a great long-distance relationship? Plan to be even happier while apart. YES, it’s possible. And it’s not a bad thing. Being sad isn’t a testament to a good relationship. It just means you’re sad. Before I continue, I want to be clear—if you have a relationship that you think is worth hanging on to, DO NOT be so quick to get rid of it just because you’re going to college. If you’re 100 percent committed to the relationship, there’s a chance it could work. But if you’re not 100 percent committed, don’t even try. And whatever you do, never lie, never cheat, and never pretend—you’ll only taint it forever.

Long-distance relationships (LDRs) in college have never been so cheap and easy—that is, with free long distance, live streaming video, email, text, Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Pinterest, cheap flights, and weekend visits. But still, the emotional toll of not being hand in hand, face to face, lips to lips makes it too hard for most couples to survive.

The hardest part of being in an LDR is all the emotions. LDRs can often isolate you from the world. Instead of thinking about college life and how to make a life in a new place, people tend to lean on their old relationships, which keeps them from meeting other people who could become close friends. They can take up too much time and too much energy, and leave you feeling more alone and lost than ever once the relationship ends (and most do). And considering most people in love don’t love themselves too much—being away from the only love in your life can be terrifying. I know. I was one of you.

“College is the only time in life that you can be selfish, self-absorbed, and experimental. I spent too much time arguing on the phone with my long-distance boyfriend instead of socializing, joining organizations, and making friends.”

LDRs often act as a crutch that keeps people from meeting new people and having new experiences. The flights, the road trips, the emotions, the good-byes—it’s hard, and for most people, it wears them down. And now, with so many ways to stay in touch via technology, it’s that much easier to be in one place physically, and somewhere else emotionally (see Tip #8).

If you decide to do the long-distance thing, keep the following in mind: trust is the glue that keeps you together, express yourself if something is bothering you (never let it build up), be completely honest, and make sure you have a life outside of your relationship. This is why you need to work to have people and places on campus. If you want to take a break, be honest. Never, never, never cheat on your partner. Cheating will ruin everything that you’ve worked so hard to build. Cheating makes getting back together nearly impossible. If you can survive the distance, learn to be happy while apart, and make it through it all, you’ll have the rest of your life to spend in a close distance relationship.

“I think that probably the one thing that’s making my long-distance relationship work is the fact that my boyfriend and I had been good friends even before we started seeing each other. Otherwise, I doubt that it would work. For all of those people out there who are involved in a healthy relationship that is long-distance, hang in there. It will only get better.”

Tip #58

High School Bitter Sweethearts

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REMINDER #3
This Tip and Story is not my advice…it’s from a student. My advice is coming soon.

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Don’t take your high school girlfriend or boyfriend to school. Break up when you leave for college.

I know it sounds harsh, but take it from someone who goes to an all-girls school. All the girls I knew my freshman year who had boyfriends had lots of problems socially. They would spend a lot of time on the phone with their boys and not getting to know their hallmates or classmates, nor doing their work. Also, you don’t want to go out, party, or get to know other guys because you’ll feel like you’re cheating. Whether your boy is still in high school or going to school nearby, dump him at least for your first semester—you’ll understand later!

Do NOT be so quick to ditch it. Enjoy it while you’ve got it. Until you get to college, until you go to classes, until you figure out what it’s like to be in college, don’t be so quick to cut all ties. Besides, it’s nice to have a close friend to keep you balanced during an unstable time. Figure it out once you get there. Big deal if you miss out on a few weeks of random hooking up. It will still be there if you want to experience it.

“My ex-girlfriend and high school sweetheart transferred to my school following our first year at college. We gave it the ‘college try’ but it didn’t work out. ‘Relapses’ were common, but the committed relationship never worked. Much earlier, we should have resolved to go our separate ways instead of maintaining a friendship. The friendship led to closeness, which developed into romance, which never worked. Cyclical and bad.”

Plan on staying together until it doesn’t feel right. That said, if you have serious doubts before you go into college, and you know it doesn’t feel right, then just end it. If you have doubts when you get to college, then it’s not right; take some time and space to figure out what feels right for you. If you have doubts while reading this book, then it’s not the right thing, so end it.

“Don’t dump your girlfriend from high school just because you think you’re going to college and will find other girls.”

Here’s the best tip: follow your heart. Be honest with your significant other. Respect what he or she has to say (whether you’re on the giving or receiving end). And do not cheat. It’s tempting to have your high school sweetie in the wings while you date your entire campus, knowing that you always have something or someone to go home to, but cheating is bad. It’s not loving, it’s not necessary, and it only taints what you once had. Make sure that if you are staying together it’s because your high school sweetheart is your first and best choice—not because you are too afraid of being single. You have endless options—never, ever forget it.

Hate Your Ex?

Hating is easier than moving forward. It’s safe. It’s predictable. It keeps you from getting hurt again. When you’re tired of hating, give your ex permission to date people who aren’t nearly as interesting or as attractive as you. Then you can move forward.

High school relationships don’t always pack well when taken to college. They can be extremely fragile and need to be handled lovingly and carefully or they can easily break.

Don’t be afraid to say something to someone you’re interested in. The longer you wait the bigger deal it becomes, until it becomes too big of a deal to act on.

If you’re interested in meeting someone in your class, don’t just sit around imagining what the relationship could be. Find out if it’s going to happen. While you’re sitting there waiting and daydreaming, some other guy will come along and ask her out. Then all you’ll be left with is a fantasy. It happened to me my first semester. There was my dream girl in history class. I just sat there drooling during lecture. When I finally found the courage to talk to her, it was too late. I found out before talking to her that she was dating someone else. I had put so much into our relationship. We had practically been dating (in my head) for the entire semester. I later found out that she had liked me, but it never happened. As I’ve progressed through my college life, I’ve become a lot less shy. That’s helped me learn to live in reality and make some friends and more.

No, you’re not imagining it. This is two tips in one (no, there’s no additional cost).

When looking for love in college, it’s easier and safer to sit and fantasize about what someone might be like to date. Now, with Facebook, you have more material to fantasize with than ever before in the history of fantasies. You can imagine the first kiss. Then the first date. Then it’s the first night together. Then the first time you say “I love you.” Then you’re a couple. Then you’re visiting each other’s home for the weekend. Then you get engaged. Then you get married. Then you have kids. Then you have a family. And yet, you haven’t even met the person who is now your husband or wife. Avoid falling into the imaginary relationship world. When you have feelings for someone, just say something. If you can’t say what you think or do what you feel, turn back to Tip #54 and check out www.GettingNakedExperiment.com. There is always a chance that someone might not return your feelings. Should that happen, the good news is that it’s easy to find another imaginary relationship.

It can be hard to meet people on campus. It can be hard for people to find you. Online dating allows people to find you. It helps you find them. The challenge is filtering through the people who are looking to be rescued from the land of the single and searching and the people who are looking for the same things you want. Number 1 rule of online dating—if you can’t date offline, you’re not ready to date online. The online world is filled with people who are too afraid or too insecure to experience love in person, but can only experience it through chatting, photos, and phone conversations without ever meeting. Until you can see your partner, touch your partner, and kiss your partner (should you be so lucky), it’s not real.

“We met online and talked for about six months. When it came time to meet her, she was nothing like she described to me. I couldn’t get past the fact that she had lied. I’m relieved that she was only a liar and not dangerous. I didn’t even tell anyone where I was going or what I was doing when we met.”

If you do go the online route, make sure the first date is in a public place, make sure your friends know where you are and who you’re meeting (you can even take a friend with), and make sure it’s not in a remote location. Also, make sure the person you’re seeing knows that your friends and family are aware of what’s happening. And really, if you need to keep it a secret, you’re not ready to be so involved. It shouldn’t be happening. When it comes to online dating, there are thousands of amazing potential partners, but there are also too many bad people out there to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Make it about what you want, not about who wants you. To avoid online dating fatigue, switch services every few months.

“Online dating is convenient. It’s easier to turn a relationship on when you want it and off when you don’t.”

Making love with your mouse might seem safe, but it’s not real. And if you’re sharing your computer with a roommate, it’s not sanitary.

If you’re interested in being more than friends, tell that friend, and don’t let “no” keep you from still being friends. You never know what might happen later.

I told her my freshman year that I was interested in being more than friends. She said she didn’t see me that way. She just thought of me as a friend. I was upset, but I liked hanging out with her and didn’t let it bother me. We stayed friends. I was there when guys came and went. I never tried to make a move. We just hung out. I had a couple relationships along the way. It wasn’t until our senior year that we finally got together. It just felt right. She said that if I had never mentioned that I wanted to be more than friends, she might not have looked at me that way. The more I dated around, the more she began to realize that I was the one she should be with. I never let her not wanting me ruin the friendship. If a friend isn’t interested, don’t run from the friendship. It’s friends who turn out to be the best relationships. You only risk ruining the friendship if you’re someone who isn’t all that secure to begin with. Tell if you’re interested.

You find yourself hanging out all the time with a friend of the opposite (or same) sex. You’re both from the same city. You both hate your roommates. You spend time talking about all your sad past relationships. You eat dinner in the cafeteria together. She lets you nibble on her chicken strip. You let her dip her French fries in your ketchup. You go out to parties together. You drive home together during holiday break. You poke each other on Facebook. You’re in each other’s cell phone plans so you can endlessly talk without worrying about losing minutes. You are the best of friends, and then one night, at about two in the morning, you look at him or her and think, What the hell? I think I’m in love.

Want to Date a Friend? Ask Yourself Three Questions:

1.Do you have more than one friend?

2.Do you give your friend permission to NOT want you?

3.Are there other people you can see yourself dating (other than your friend)?

Answer YES to all three questions and you are ready to tell a friend you’d like to be more.

The problem with being the friend who wants more is that most friends who want more never let their feelings be known. They secretly want more, but do nothing. No, wait—they complain to all of their friends that they are always the friend and never the boyfriend/girlfriend. They hide in the “friend zone.” It’s safe, it’s easy, and it’s secure. It’s also painful, uncomfortable, and empty. Keeping your feelings a secret is not nice.

The key to avoiding the friend zone is to let a friend know that you have feelings for him or her when you have these feelings. Afraid it will be weird? Give your friend permission to not share your feelings. Make it clear that you’re okay being friends but wanted to share your feelings. The trick—you have to be okay with rejection—or it will get weird. Once you share your feelings, you’ve accomplished your goal. Your friend will always know that you want to be more than a friend. When your friend is ready to be more, it will happen. Or it will never happen. It doesn’t have to be weird. It’s only weird if you make it that way. It’s only weird if you refuse to give your good friend permission to NOT want you. So don’t make it weird. You’d be surprised how much more attractive you appear once you express your interest and move on. The more comfortable you can become with taking risks the easier it will be to say what you think and do what you feel.

“He told me he liked me as more than friends our sophomore year. I was shocked and rejected him. We stayed friends. Two years later, I fell in love with him. We’re now married.”

A true friend would tell a friend, “I’m attracted to you.” And that friend would honestly respond with how he or she feels. And then life would go on…o bla di o bla da, life goes on…(it’s a Beatles song reference).

It’s very hard to date someone who’s not out. If you’re gay and want to date, then come out and be who you are.

I’ve been out since high school. When I got to college, I started dating someone who was not out at all. It was freshman year. We met at summer camp the year before. I was the first person he came out to, and to this day I’m still one of the few. He went to a local college and none of his friends knew he was bi.

When it came to our relationship, things would be fine when were alone, but when we went out in public he would become wicked homophobic. Even when we were in places that I felt comfortable and where he knew no one, he would still give me a dirty look or say “not here.” I’m not a big PDA person, but I at least like to be close to someone. I like to be myself around my friends, and especially with a boyfriend. After about four months, it was too much. I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I said, “You’re not ready for this. I don’t want to force you to be someone you’re not.” He was upset, but understanding.

A lot of you reading this are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, or questioning. For a lot of you, college might be your first time dating someone of the same sex in the open or behind closed doors. Whether you’re out or not, some campuses have openly gay communities and others have more of an underground scene.

A great way to gauge the climate is to check out the groups and organizations on campus that address sexuality. Typically, these groups have names like LESBIGAY Alliance, the Gay Student Union, or something with “gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender” in its name. Send an email (or Facebook message) to the board members who are involved with these groups and organizations (you should be able to find information for such groups and organizations on your campus website). Ask members about gay-friendly residence halls, hangouts, and hot spots (and cool spots) on campus. There might even be a LGBTQ center on campus. It’s also a good idea to contact the office of the dean of students and to inquire into local resources for the LGBTQ community.

If you’re not sure if you’re gay, lesbian, or bisexual, take your time to figure it out. Just know that if you do experiment, from what students have told me, the gay community can be a place where everyone knows everything. Meaning, if you’re not out, other people will find out that you’re gay once you start dating on campus. Make sure your partner knows if you’re out or not. Otherwise, he or she might talk (still, he or she might talk).

Remember to find people in your corner who have been there and done it. Having LGTBQ friends and allies on and off campus will always give you someone to lean on. Should you get uncomfortable, you need to have people who can support you. A strong foundation of people and professionals will always help you be balanced and find perspective.

If you find that it’s too difficult or too uncomfortable on your campus to be yourself, consider relocating to a campus that’s friendlier to gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. If you can’t transfer, look to see if there is a gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender community on a nearby campus. Just find yourself a community.

One more note—if at any time you ever feel threatened, bullied, confused, hurt, or hopeless, please know that things WILL get better. If you don’t believe me, check out the It Gets Better Project at www.ItGetsBetter.org. If at any time you EVER feel like you’re going to hurt yourself or need help, please reach out for help. Regardless of what anyone says or makes you feel, you deserve to be loved and deserve to share your love. NEVER forget it. Check out the resources at the end of this chapter to find help and support.

Just be true to yourself. If you don’t know yourself, then take the time to figure yourself out.

If you think someone might be cheating, there’s a good chance that something is happening. Listen to yourself and your friends.

I didn’t suspect anything until a good friend told me that my boyfriend had hit on her. I thought she was just jealous. Then another friend told me something similar. I kind of distanced myself from them. I didn’t want to hear anything. A few months later, I noticed that he was getting strange calls on his cell phone. I’d ask him and he’d tell me it was just about studying. When it came to email, he had a separate account and a password that he guarded. When I asked him, he made me feel like the worst person in the world. One time, he went out of town and I decided just to double check. I was able to check his voice messages and found out that he was seeing his ex. When I went to the computer, I was able to look at old mail and saw that other girls had been writing sexual messages about their past and future. I was devastated. When I accused him, he accused me of being controlling and jealous. Yeah, right. Luckily, my friends who were trying to protect me took me back. If everyone tells you something is wrong and you think something is off, trust that something is wrong.

“I was in a relationship that lasted a couple years. We broke up at least four times and got back together every time but the last time. I didn’t like the way we argued and screamed and yelled at each other. He would apologize and tell me that he’d change and that he wouldn’t be possessive or be jealous…and I would believe him. That’s how it was for two years. Finally, I told him I was out and finished. My friends told me that I was in an abusive relationship. It was abusive mentally and they were right.”

Cheaters are selfish, lazy, and confused people who don’t have the testicles, or the ovaries, to say how they feel to someone they supposedly like or love. Instead of being honest, they lie, deceive, cover up, rip out hearts, and scar innocent victims forever. Cheating is NOT about love—it’s about lying to yourself and the people who like or love you. If the world would stop putting up with cheaters and their selfish, destructive, and hurtful ways, cheating might stop. Sadly, too many people who are cheated on don’t think they have other options because they don’t know how to find a date (see Tip #54 for instructions on how to find a date while sober). Subsequently, these people put up with cheaters and their cheating ways.

Don’t ignore it. Do not make excuses for inexcusable behavior. Think twice before accepting someone’s apology. You have options. Don’t just put up with it, get used to it, or justify it. No matter what that cheater says, he or she doesn’t respect you. Unless that person gets serious help (I mean therapy resulting in major life changes or offering you complete confidence he or she has changed and deserves ONE and only one chance), do not take him or her back. It’s easy to promise change, but few are willing to commit to change.

Never justify being physically or emotionally abused. It is NEVER your fault and it’s NEVER acceptable. You might think, But I love him or her. And yes, you love being loved, but there is other love—better love. If love means being battered, physically or emotionally, then you don’t need a romantic relationship, you need help. Turn to the people who are paid to help you. Without your parents so involved in your daily life, you need to be responsible for you. If you’re in an abusive relationship, use your resources on your college campus to get out. Talk to counselors on campus. Get support. Do not get used to it. NEVER FORGET THAT YOU LIVE IN A WORLD OF OPTIONS. YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED AND RESPECTED. Despite what your abuser says, you have endless options. Again, NEVER FORGET IT! If you do get used to it, when will it stop?

Rather than making someone feel like less so you can feel like more, manipulating, cheating, and hurting someone, and ruining that person’s life, have some integrity and get out of the relationship. Get help. Stop wasting everyone’s time. If you’re hitting your partner or controlling him or her by saying degrading, demeaning, or negative comments, stop it and look in the mirror. YOU NEED HELP. It doesn’t say much about you if demeaning, controlling, manipulating, alienating, and abusing someone is the only way to get that someone to love you. That’s not love. It’s abuse. Help and support are available. Please get it.

The Big Question

If you knew that you had thousands of men or women who wanted to love you, respect you, and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, would you ever put up with anyone who hurt you, ignored you, alienated you, disrespected you, disrespected your family, or made you feel like anything less than how you deserve to feel?

THE ANSWER: NEVER.

REMEMBER: You live in a world of endless options.

Do not make someone your world. You’ll feel confused and empty, and you’ll end up searching for yourself.

I entered my freshman year of college with an optimistic and even naïve mind-set. I thought that everyone out there did not have the capability to hurt anyone, let alone me. I met this amazing, talented, caring, and loving individual who took my heart the minute I saw him. I knew that by the end of the semester I was going to have to talk to him. After weeks of contemplating how I was going to approach him, I finally did it. We instantly clicked.

Weeks after our encounter, we were official. He and I were together all the time. We were one. Every weekend and every chance we had to spend with each other, we did.

Things moved incredibly fast and soon we were so involved with each other that it seemed as though he was my present, my future, and my world. I was so in love with him that I forgot who I was and what I stood for. Sometimes, things came up that I did not particularly agree with or was uncomfortable with, but I was so scared to lose him that I shut them out and forgot about them. I got lost in his presence and warmth. I never thought that this person would be the one to give me my first heartbreak. I cared for him so much that I was willing to take any aches and pain to spare him.

“Don’t let relationships hold you back from the things you want to do on campus.”

He broke up with me. He did not feel the same way about me anymore. It took me months to discover myself again. It took me months to realize that you should never make someone your world; they should be a part of your world. If someone cares for you enough, they will respect you and want you for every inch of soul that you are. Be true to yourself, take care of yourself, and do not put somebody’s well-being over yours, because the world is not as caring as you may think.

One day, you park your Winnebago of Love and realize that you’re in the middle of nowhere, friends are gone, college is gone, and life isn’t about you, but instead who you’re with. Welcome to the land of “I have no life other than my relationship!” Population: 2.

“Relationships are part of the college experience; do not devote your whole college experience searching for Mr. (or Mrs.) Right.”

It can happen without you ever even realizing it. It starts when you fall in love. No better place to be than with the love of your life, right? The things that used to occupy your time aren’t as interesting or as important as the person you’re with. It’s better than spending time with friends. It’s better than spending time with yourself. It’s better than spending time with strangers you could be meeting in clubs, activities, or organizations. There really doesn’t seem to be anything or anyone else in the world that makes you as happy. And then…

•Friends and family get hurt and pissed off. And it’s true, most relationships don’t last as long as most friendships. Even if you think it’s going to last, it’s not likely to last. And it’s friends and family who will help you when it ends.

•You become so dependent on this one person for your happiness that you end up putting up with things that you should never put up with. You don’t think you have options and start feeling trapped. Having isolated yourself from the world, you are left with little or no life outside of your relationship. With no outside life, and few options when it comes to other people to hang out with, you tend to hang onto crappy relationships that should be trashed.

•It’s hard to grow, make friends, and find new experiences when your only experience is that relationship. So many people I’ve talked to wish they hadn’t made their relationship their whole life. It just takes up so much time. And there are so many other things that you can be doing. You can still have a relationship, but find balance.

•You become so isolated and so alone that your relationship becomes a crutch that you need to lean on in order to find balance. Eventually, the crutch gives way and you fall hard.

Don’t abandon yourself, your family, or your friends. Should you get dumped, you’ll be left with no one. Should you not get dumped, you’ll be too afraid to dump a toxic partner. That’s when things go from bad, to the rest of your life…

Always believe that the worst is over and things can only get better with the friends you have around you.

I broke up with my boyfriend of three years and it was a messy ending. I came into college just beginning this relationship and I regret the last three years of college because I had limited myself to just one person. I had friends from all over calling me, coming over, and taking care of me. Never underestimate that your friends will always be there and the old ones will never stop caring. It’s not easy breaking up with someone in college, especially someone you were serious with. However, you will get through it and make new friends.

There’s breaking up with a first love, then there is sitting naked in a bathtub filled with angry bees while covered with honey. No, this isn’t a kinky fantasy; it’s an analogy that illustrates how much each of these situations can sting.

It’s so unbelievably painful to lose love, especially your first love. It’s the first person you’ve loved and who has loved you so completely. It’s deep, it’s excruciating, it’s intense, but it does pass over time. One thing to never forget—first love is like a drug. It’s intense, powerful, and will make you do crazy things. But it’s not sustainable. Appreciate that first love happens once, but there will be more love, better love in your future. Here’s a guide to help you survive a breakup:

Cry and get emotional. Avoid hiding your feelings. Don’t hook up with the first person who shows you attention for validation (yes, you’re still desirable). Allow yourself to get upset—do it alone or do it in a place where there are mirrors. I like to cry in a mirror (helps me see the raw emotion, plus it’s a little more dramatic). Allow yourself time to grieve the loss of the relationship. It’s a bonding experience with yourself.

Never forget that you’re hot. Too many times people panic and think, No one else will love me. This is why so many people run into rebound relationships. That thinking is wrong, wrong, wrong. (Not a typo; yes, I wrote it three times. It’s really that wrong.) You always have options—thousands. Breaking up is all part of the dating process. Most couples break up. Sure, some will get married, but then about half of those people will end up breaking up (it’s called divorce). Breaking up can be brutal, but it’s part of the process. It’s better to be free and available to be with someone who appreciates all you have to offer than to be with someone who isn’t sure what he or she wants!

“When my girlfriend of two years broke up with me, I went through at least two months of depression and then a period of about three or four months where I was doing stupid things because I really didn’t know who I was. Finally, I found what I thought to be my true self.”

Lean on friends. Let them tell you things like: you’re better than him or her, it’s her/his loss, he/she never treated you well, I never liked him/her anyway, you’re hot. It’s all true. Listen and stay busy doing things (not your ex). Put yourself in rooms doing things you love to do. Get your heart rate up. Sweat. Lose yourself in something other than alcohol, drugs, or random strangers. And find a therapist, counselor, or psychologist to guide you.

This can be for as long as you need. But give yourself time to rest and recoup. Wait until you heal before getting back out there. Have a good time hanging out with your friends again. This time is gold.

If you’re running back to an ex out of loneliness and insecurity, you’re running toward trouble. If you’re running back because the relationship is the healthiest thing in the world for you and the space apart provided clarity, then proceed with caution.

When you do get back out into the world, you will be so much smarter. Learn from your past relationship. Celebrate what you experienced. Trust that it will only get better.

“The beginning of my sophomore year my girlfriend of two years left me. So many emotions went through me all at once, and my body couldn’t handle it. After several days of not eating, I was finally rushed to the hospital, because I was so weak I couldn’t get out of bed. If that wasn’t bad enough, rumors started circulating that I went crazy, and tried to kill myself, which only made matters worse for myself, my family, and my now ex-girlfriend. My grades took a major turn, I was rapidly losing weight and not only looking but feeling unhealthy. It took almost six months to get my feet planted back on the ground and realize that there is more than one person that can make you happy.”

Sitting naked with bees in honey can sting, similar to a bad breakup. But it gets better over time (assuming you’re not allergic to bees).

•Creepin’: Regularly viewing someone’s personal online profile without that person knowing you’re watching him or her. Following someone’s status updates, looking through his or her pictures, seeing his or her friends, reading notes, reading blogs, and repeating these actions on a regular basis are all part of creepin’.

•Realantasy: A combination of fantasy and reality most commonly found in online relationships and imaginary classroom relationships.

•The Universal Rejection Truth of Dating and Relationships: Thousands will want you, but millions will not.

•Rejection denial: A deep, dark, dangerous place where you think that everyone you like should like you. When someone you like doesn’t like you, there’s a big problem. But the problem is that you never give people permission to not like you.

•Self-rejection: Rejecting yourself before ever allowing anyone the opportunity to reject you.

•Rejection by circumstance: The reason or circumstance that someone isn’t giving you what you desire.

•Raw rejection: No matter what you say or what you do, some people will never like you for reasons you can’t, or choose not to, change.

•Training in your thong: Working to be your personal best so that you never allow people who do not want you to keep you from taking risks and finding all the people who will want you.

•The Getting Naked Experiment: A call to action to help people say what they think and do what they feel. Check out Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life (While Fully Clothed and Totally Sober).

There are too many dating websites to list. Pick a big one (www.OkCupid.com, www.Match.com, www.PlentyOfFish.com, or www.eHarmony.com) and pick a more niche site (based on religion, sexual orientation, or other interests). Make sure to give it at least a year!

Check out my nationally syndicated advice column. You can see an archive of thousands of letters and answers on my website at www.HarlanCohen.com.