Beginning for beginners

What holds people back the most from getting their shit together? If you’re a classic Theodore (or, say, an Alvin with Theodore rising), the answer is probably “I don’t even know where to begin.” It therefore makes perfect sense to begin the process of getting your shit together by… demolishing this lame excuse.

I’m sorry, but it is lame. This is the tough love portion of our journey—you’ll thank me for it later. The fact is, every Alvin, Simon, and Theodore reading this book already knows the answer to “Where do I begin?” I know you know it because I told you way back here.

You begin by setting a goal.

Once you ask yourself these two questions, you’ll be on your way to a goal in no time.

The answer to step 1 (What’s wrong with my life?) can be general, but not ridiculously so. For example:

“I’m broke” is something you can work with.

“Everything” is not a productive answer. You need to break that shit into small, manageable chunks.

“I’m in an unhealthy relationship with ennui” is a crock of shit and you know it.

So let’s say you are in fact broke. The answer to step 2 (Why?) could be anything, such as:

I lost my job

I lost a bet

I devoted my last two paychecks to a JS Industries MONSTA 3, realized I have nowhere to keep a surfboard, and now I’m renting a $69/month storage unit in perpetuity to house my midlife crisis toy.

Your goal has to solve the problems set forth by steps 1 and 2. Like so:

Get a new job (see here for tips!)

Stop playing fast and loose with 200-to-1 odds

Sell surfboard, close out storage unit, find a cheaper way to have a midlife crisis.

Make sense? Here’s another example, just off the top of my head:

What’s wrong with my life? I’m way behind at work.

Why? I waste too much time dicking around online instead of doing things that are higher-priority.

Goal: Limit the amount of time I spend online.

If you happen to have the same sample answer for step 1 above, your answer to step 2 could be something different, like: “I say yes to too many lunch meetings that run overlong” or “I have a colleague who’s always in my office bitching about her life.” And your goal would address those reasons. Brown-bag it. Hang a kicky little DO NOT DISTURB ME, SHEILA sign on your door.

If your answer to step 2 is manifold (entirely possible; the workplace is a time-suck of epic proportions), write down several answers and set a goal for each of them. When it comes time to carry out those goals, you’ll want to prioritize, and start with the most important one—a skill we’ll be honing in due course.

Okay, one more for the road. I plucked this “What’s wrong with my life?” scenario directly from the 2,400 results of my anonymous Get Your Shit Together Survey, which I’ll reference periodically throughout the book.^*

What’s wrong with my life? The giant box for the TV that I bought eight months ago is still in the living room, leaning against the wall like it belongs there.

Why? Because I haven’t taken it to the street.

Goal: Take the fucking box to the street.

(I hope whoever sent me that response is reading. They clearly need this method in their life.)

Now you try:

What’s wrong with my life?_________________

Why?_________________

Goal:_________________

There, you’ve begun. I told you it was easy.

The bar is too damn high

Holding yourself up to an unreasonable standard is no way to win at life. It’s okay to lower the bar a tad, especially when you’re just starting out. For example, normal people who want to lose weight aren’t likely to wind up looking like Sofía fucking Vergara. Striving for that goal is like running toward a finish line that will always be moving farther and farther away, which is really discouraging. Why would you keep running if you knew the race would never end? You might as well give up now, go home, sit on the couch, and commune with a Costco-sized pallet of bite-size Mini Oreos. Which is probably what you’ve done—at least metaphorically speaking—and why you’re reading this book. (Classic Theodore maneuver, BTW.)

Instead, set realistic goals based on what annoys you about your life, not based on someone else’s measurements, and begin the process of sweeping it out the damn door. I meant it when I said mental decluttering was a solo mission. Leave Sofía Vergara out of it.