A spoonful of willpower helps the medicine go down

Before we move on to part III and the tough shit, there’s one more component of getting your shit together whose significance cannot be ignored: willpower.

I’m afraid this one’s on you.

I can give you the motivational tricks and tips on time management. I can simplify the steps and I can put a charmingly obscene twist on the self-help genre to keep your spirits up. But I can’t inhabit your brain and body and make you follow my advice. If I could do that, I would have a reality show and a lip kit line by now.

Only you can get your shit together, set your goals, and go forth and win at life—your life, whatever that involves. To stay committed to those goals, you’re gonna need some willpower.

But it’s only a little bit of willpower at a time! Enough to focus and complete those small, manageable parts of your plan. And you can summon willpower in different ways, depending on what works for you.

THE ART OF WAR WILLPOWER

IF YOU’RE MOTIVATED BY		USE THIS STRATEGY
Money		The Scrooge McDuck Envision yourself rolling around in piles of all that loot you’re saving/not spending.
Vanity		The Photo Finish Taping a picture of your thinner self to the fridge isn’t the worst way to shut down the Wizard of Impulse Control.
Adulation		The Ego Boost Life-winners are often admired by their peers. If that appeals to you, use it as fuel.
Getting pissed off		The Power of Negative Thinking Good for lighting a fire and keeping it hot.
Accountability		The “Who Raised You?” Gives you a swift kick in the pants, just like Mom used to.*

Each of these strategies is useful at different times under different circumstances, but that last one really helps when you find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

As it turns out, accountability can be highly motivating.

Now, some people might correlate accountability with “shame” or “caring what other people think,” but I contend that there are a few (if not fifty) shades of gray in between. I don’t give a fuck about what other people think of my life choices—in the sense that it doesn’t bother me if someone disapproves of my actions, as long as I know I’m acting in my own best interests.

I don’t need to feel ashamed of that, and neither do you.

But what if I don’t realize that my actions are hurting me? What if I were stumbling blindly through life—stuck in a bad job, bad relationship, or really unflattering haircut—and I didn’t know it? What if somebody pointed it out to me and gave me the tough love, complete with paddle, to help me turn things around?

An emotional spanking

Apart from sexual submissives, nobody likes being told what to do. But periodically stepping out of your mental bubble to see yourself through another person’s eyes can be a low-impact gut check. Who raised you? is my second-favorite thing to think/mutter when I encounter someone making poor life choices. And while I intend it sarcastically—as though given their lack of self-control/hygiene/manners they might have been brought up by a pair of outlaw raccoons—it’s actually a good question to ask if you haven’t had much luck being accountable to yourself lately.

If you have a hard time mustering or sustaining willpower—especially for the tough shit—you may be subconsciously looking for someone else to beat it into you. Practicing “Who Raised You?” helps you recognize the behaviors that would cause your mother (or your dominatrix) to say, “For fuck’s sake, get your shit together.”

Who raised you? works like this:

If you wonder: Why can’t I get a girl to spend the night, let alone develop a meaningful relationship with me?

Ask yourself: Would my mom approve of the nest of dirty boxer shorts I’ve built on my bed in lieu of doing laundry? If not, why would any woman?

If you wonder: Why is everyone getting promoted except me?

Ask yourself: What would my mom say if she knew I spent half the day on Bachelorette message boards instead of doing my job?

If you wonder: Why can’t I afford nice things?

Ask yourself: Would my mom be proud to know that every month my paycheck gets spent almost exclusively on weed and Visine?

Yes, an emotional spanking might be just the ticket. Or a real one, if that works. You do you, Theo. (I’m still not judging.)