Of all the organs of a man, the penis is the rock star. Sure, the brain is the smartest, but which organ is really in control? The balls are really the supporting cast, and they, for most purposes (except fertility), can be replaced with a testosterone shot. So it’s not surprising that the penis invariably steals the spotlight in our overexposed entertainment universe. Let’s look at some of the iconic moments in pop culture and politics in which the penis was surprisingly, ironically, or prominently featured.
Think our culture’s enthrallment with the penis is a modern fetish? Think again. The penis has long been a subject of interest throughout the world. In fact, it is arguably the most deified organ in human history, dating back even far before the ancient Greeks and Romans.
Perhaps the earliest example can be seen in Paleolithic engravings of the Los Casares cave in Spain and the Saint-Cirq cave in France. The engravings depict enormous penises. Were these the work of vulgar cave taggers? No, they emphasize the importance of the penis to survival and prosperity. In tribal society, mother worship was replaced by phallic supremacy once men realized their role in reproduction, with the penis becoming a symbol of both reproductive and agricultural fertility.
Even today, we can still see and feel the effects of this penis-centric attitude and the gender roles that came along with it. Hip-hop machismo, with its crotch-grabbing posturing and sexual braggadocio, is just a modern-day echo of the emphasis given the penis by ancient kings who integrated phallic rituals into royal affairs, coronation rites, and inheritance of leadership.
With great power comes great responsibility. The Greeks believed the penis had the ability to avert the evil eye. Amulets and statues with a head, torso, and male genitals (called hermae) were used to ward off malevolent spirits and bring good luck.
Similarly, in Bhutan, erect and ejaculating phalluses are painted on houses near doorways and building corners to protect against the evil eye and malicious gossip and bring in wealth and luck. This is a practice that continues even today.
The penis has also been worshiped as a divine object capable of curing a variety of ailments. In fact, according to the Infancy Gospel of Thomas, the foreskin of Jesus Christ was said to have been preserved long after his death, with worshipers lining up, seeking a cure to their illnesses. Of course, by the start of the 21st century, no fewer than 21 different churches claimed to have the real deal.1
Even pornography isn’t anything new: The 3,000-year-old Turin Erotic Papyrus, nicknamed the “world’s first men’s mag,” depicts a variety of sex positions in 12 erotic scenes where men have unreasonably large, circumcised genitalia.
Ancient Greece and Rome are particularly well known for putting the penis on display through sculpture. But unlike in some other ancient civilizations, the penises displayed on Greek statues tended to be small and uncircumcised—an indication of the level of civilization of the man. Large penises were actually subject to ridicule because they were considered objects of lust, driving their owners to simple bodily pleasures instead of sophistication. Ah, yes, to be Greek and small, those were the days… .
Perhaps the ancient erotic text that has aged the best is the Kama Sutra, which not only depicts a variety of sexual positions but also details a sizing system designed to match each of the sexes with someone of the “ideal” size for them. Men may possess a hare (small), a bull (medium), or a horse (large), while women have genitals described as deer (small), mares (medium), or elephants (large).2
It’s not just the human penis that gets people off, either. For instance, the Icelandic Phallological Museum, located in Reykjavík, is home to a large (and some might say unsettling) collection of penises and penile parts, most preserved in jars or dried and mounted taxidermy-style. The museum contains more than 200 specimens belonging to mammals that can be found in Iceland—whales, bears, seals, walruses, and a variety of land mammals.3
The human penis has been the focus of anatomical interest and scientific (and sometimes not-so-scientific) study as well. The relationship between boys and their toys was psychoanalyzed (amidst great criticism, but with far-reaching implications) by Sigmund Freud in the late 1800s. To this day a cigar is never just a cigar and sexual connotations have become big business—sex sells!
When it comes to the big screen, and the medium screen, genital exposure is anything but fair and balanced. Women’s bodies have been the object of visual artistry and exploitation since Edison introduced moving pictures. The male body has been a very infrequent guest star. There is an increasing movement to change that afoot, or should I say a-penis?
Actors such as Kevin Bacon have pushed publicly for equal time for “sly and his family stones. “ He calls for a movement to #FreeTheBacon: “By bacon,” he explains, “I mean your wiener, your balls, and your butt.” He implores Game of Thrones to add a little (or big) dick to its myriad sex scenes and even offers to play a “naked wizard” on the show.4
The 2016 Report on the Status of Women and Girls in California found that in 2014’s top 100 US films, female actors were nearly three times as likely to have appeared nude as their male counterparts (26 percent compared to 9 percent).5
Game of Thrones itself has exposed more penises than many shows, but it certainly doesn’t come close to showing male nudity on an equal scale: In the 60 episodes of the first six seasons, just eight penises have popped up on camera (only two of which belonged to main characters). Trying to count the number of times females were nude on camera would be quite the task, but it’s safe to say that the vast majority of episodes aren’t shy about flashing female breasts, butts, or vulvas.6
In an industry that has long been unafraid of female sexual exposure, the penis is becoming the next big star: Shows and movies proudly and prominently featuring the penis often gain extra exposure and differentiation from other productions. Big-name shows like Outlander, Spartacus, True Blood, and Oz have all cashed in on the trend in recent years.
TV shows and movies aren’t the only place where the love rod has played a starring role. Politicians and celebrities alike have often suffered or gained fame after their members found their way to the pubic—er, public—arena. One need only type in a phrase like “sex scandal” on Google to find myriad options available for exploration.
Though often feigning disgust over sex scandals and sex tapes, it seems the public just can’t help but ferret out all the details when it comes to issues of sexual exposure. For better or worse, sex tapes have impacted the careers of many celebrities: Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee (and Pamela Anderson and Brett Lee), Kim Kardashian and Ray J, Colin Farrell and Nicole Narain, Rob Lowe and two women (one underage), Hulk Hogan and Heather Clem, and even Dustin “Screech” Diamond.
Perhaps even more viral than celebrity sex tapes are stories of politicians who allowed their pricks to do the talking for them. Anthony Weiner should have won an award for the sexting scandal that just wouldn’t stop. In a series of unfortunate events beginning in May 2011 and ending (we hope) in 2016, Weiner was found to have continuously sexted throughout his career. There can be no doubt that Weiner’s wiener brought about the downfall of his career.
Even further, Weiner’s penis unwittingly impacted the 2016 presidential election. When his computer was seized as evidence for a charge of sending obscene material to a minor, the FBI discovered emails that had been forwarded from his wife (Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign manager, Huma Abedin). The emails had originated between Clinton and Abedin and were sent on one of Clinton’s notorious private servers while she served as secretary of state.7
Speaking of Hillary Clinton, she ought to be fed up with the sex scandal limelight by now: Not only did a sex scandal contribute to her defeat in the 2016 presidential election, but about half her time as First Lady was also overshadowed by her husband’s own scandalous affairs. Aptly nicknamed “Slick Willie,” President Bill Clinton’s saga began in November 1995 when he engaged in a sexual relationship with then–White House intern Monica Lewinsky. After a 4-year investigation and an impeachment by the House of Representatives for perjury and obstruction of justice related to the affair, Clinton was eventually acquitted by the US Senate in 1999 and allowed to serve his full second term.8 Sadly, the penis can be a bully, and numerous women have come forward recounting just how rampant sexual harassment is on both hills—Capitol and Hollywood.
But the spotlight on the schlong isn’t always negative, nor should it be. Through the hard work of artists and advocates, the one-eyed monster is slowly becoming less taboo to talk about. Celebrities like four-time NBA champion John Salley and Dr. Drew Ordon are promoting the destigmatization of men’s health procedures by doing things like agreeing to let CBS’s The Doctors film me performing a prostate exam on them.
“I cannot believe I am doing this. I would do anything for television,” Salley joked nervously just before his exam. “It wasn’t even 5 seconds,” he said just after. “It’s testing for it [prostate cancer]. We made jokes about it, but it was easy, and it’s preventative.”
Dr. Ordon was straightforward in his during-procedure observations: “I feel you,” he said.9
Breaking down the barriers to conversations about men’s health issues is essential. These are conversations that need to be had. If I can lighten the mood by telling a joke, it helps to erase some of the anxiety and nervousness that often keep men silent—sometimes dangerously so—about issues below the beltline.
Luckily, I’m not alone in my endeavor to discuss the dong in an open and unapologetic fashion. Photographers like Laura Dodsworth and Soraya Doolbaz, as well as portrait artist Pricasso, are making their own headlines by zeroing in on this taboo topic through a creative lens.
Dodsworth’s book Manhood: The Bare Reality tells the stories of 100 penises in pictures and words. Featuring 100 men aged 20 to 92 and their members, the book explores the relationship each man has with his penis (and, to a lesser extent, his balls)., Dodsworth shares a wide variety of penises: black, white, massive, micro, embarrassed, proud, circumcised, uncircumcised, and even surgically constructed. Some penises are there for their 15 minutes of fame, but others are there to share their story with the world—and maybe make a difference.
“It’s going to be so reassuring for a lot of men, particularly young men,” Dodson said in an interview with Simon Hattenstone featured in The Guardian. One of the interviewees in the book talks about his experience with testicular cancer, which he suspected nearly a year before seeking help because he was too embarrassed to do so. “It [the penis] is so often subject to ridicule. It’s like baseline standard male banter. Half the people in the world have got penises. It’s unfair to be cruel about them,” he said.10
Soraya Doolbaz is another photographer making the member more mainstream. A self-described “professional penis photographer,” Doolbaz dresses dongs up in outfits the Internet has dubbed “adorable.” From the festively festooned Christmas-themed cock to the leather jacketed Kanye West–themed dick, there’s a little something for everyone in her collection. Her project, lovingly dubbed Dicture, features dozens of divas and even some dick-tators.
“My goal with all this was to make people laugh,” she writes on her Web site. “I wanted to create comfort and confidence around sexuality for men and women. Men should be proud of their dick regardless of its size or characteristics.”11
Other artists are using the penis in a different way to propel them to fame, including Tim Patch, aka Pricasso, a performance artist who uses only his penis as a paintbrush—with video evidence provided as proof of authenticity, of course.12 Known throughout the world for his unique style, Pricasso has painted portraits of the rich and famous, from Hugh Hefner to Nelson Mandela to Einstein to President Donald Trump. He even works on commission, as one urology department chairman I know can attest—his residents commissioned a work of art for him.
Performance artist Simon Morely has taken what most boys do in the shower and brought it to the worldwide stage with his puppetry of the penis. He and his band of orgasmic origamists pull, twist, and stretch the imagination of audiences from London to Vegas. Of course, it’s only fitting that they come from Down Under.13
Some of these projects may seem silly and lighthearted at first glance, but each is playing a role in getting people more comfortable talking about the penis and, by extension, opening the door to crucial conversations about men’s health.
In the old days, if you wanted to show a stranger your penis, it took some planning. You had to strip down, put on a long raincoat, and lurk in some dark corner of the street, waiting for an unsuspecting passerby to flash.
It’s so much easier now! Cell phones and the Internet have taken flashing to a whole new level. From the basic sext to dating and hookup apps like Tinder, sexual exposure and up-front overtures have been brought into the 21st century. There’s even an app that predicts penis size.14 Is this phenomenon just picking up where the Summer of Love left off? Are we more liberated? Better informed? Or are we just more exposed?
Technology is everywhere these days—including in the bedroom. Whether it’s getting tips on how to have better sex with your partner or matching sperm and egg donors, there’s probably an app for that.
In the realm of spicing things up in the bedroom, we have SexPositive.15 Brought to you by the University of Oregon, SexPositive uses a simple wheel format that lets you match up parts of the body to see what happens when those parts touch each other. It also offers relationship communication advice and everything you need to know about sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and safe sex. The app’s main goal, according to its creators, is to encourage communication and consent.
Of course, sometimes it’s not just about the deed but what happens with the seed. That’s when you can turn to apps like JustaBaby,16 designed to connect sperm and egg donors, as well as surrogates. While the legal elements of procuring sperm or eggs outside of the medical profession may still be up in the air, there’s no doubt that the “typical” family is a thing of the past. Particularly for LGBTQ couples, traditional baby-making options aren’t going to cut it. So an app like JustaBaby could be a way for these folks to swipe right on the family of their dreams—provided they keep the legal elements in mind.
And then there’s Tinder,17 perhaps the most notorious dating app of all time (all right, maybe it shares the limelight with its close cousin Grindr). Ostensibly a dating app, Tinder’s community guidelines specifically prohibit dick pics and other methods of “exposure” (“If it’s in the Kama Sutra, it probably shouldn’t be in your profile pic”).18 But there’s no shortage of Tinder-related stories about harassment, scams, and, unfortunately, rapes.
And that’s not the only kind of exposure possible with apps like Tinder: Your personal information could be at risk too. Thanks to the wonders of modern technology, data on Tinder profiles is sometimes “scraped,” or copied in full and made available to the public domain. Just recently, in fact, a data set made up of tens of thousands of Tinder users’ photos and personal information was made publicly available and downloaded hundreds of times before finally being taken down. The code used to perform the deed, however, is still readily available to coders in the know.19
There’s nothing inherently wrong with dipping your toe into online exposure with apps like these. But with great technological power comes great responsibility, and it’s up to the user to know when to let it all hang out and when to keep it in your pants—both literally and metaphorically.
If the limelight is heading south, naturally there’s going to be a desire to spruce things up down there. Cue the increasing popularity of manscaping. That’s right: manicures for your merry maker.
From the deep wilds of the Amazon to the barren lands of the Sahara to the mysterious lines of Nazca, the possibilities for your peacock’s appearance are nearly endless. Some men prefer a totally smooth, hairless style, while others like a little fur to keep them warm. What do the statistics say? In one study, 75 percent of male participants had recently shaved or trimmed hair around their groin area. Of males who shaved off pubic hair, 32 percent reported heightened sexual experiences.20
But one thing’s for certain: No matter the landscape, make sure you’re getting the job done right. First, make sure you have a dedicated set of tools for the job. Just like you wouldn’t use the same toothbrush for your teeth as for your dog’s, don’t use the same scissors for your pubes as you would to open that package of raw chicken for dinner.
Not only do you need to avoid bringing unwelcome bacteria to your nether regions, but you also want to avoid taking bacteria from those regions to other places. Yeast, fungi, and bacteria all thrive in warm, moist places (aka the male groin area), especially in cases of poor hygiene. To ensure you don’t spread any bacteria, wipe down your tools with rubbing alcohol before and after each use to sterilize them and lower the risk of infection. And of course, give your candy cane a good rubdown beforehand too. (No, not that kind of rubdown. The kind with soap.)
Manscaping has other risks too. Shaving can cause skin irritation and bumps, plus some crazy itchiness when the stubble inevitably pops out. So, what’s a man to do? Try these tips to make your manscaping adventure a little less perilous.
•Use trimmers to shorten the pubic hair before shaving.
•Exfoliate Rumpleforeskin…gently.
•Take a hot shower to open the pores, soften skin, and get rid of any pesky dirt or oils.
•Use preshave oil to lift the hair up, add hydration, and prevent irritation.
•Avoid products that could cause ingrown hairs, such as fragrances, mineral oil, cooling agents, or citrus.
•Shave, wax, or epilate.
•If shaving, always use a sharp razor and shave gel. Be prepared for nicks and cuts with soothing balms such as shea butter, cocoa butter, and aloe vera.
•Waxing is your best bet if you plan on keeping it “baby smooth” down there and want to avoid the hassle and irritation shaving can cause.
•Epilating is like waxing in that it pulls out multiple hairs simultaneously, but it does so without removing cells from the epithelium of the epidermis. However, epilators may be particularly painful to use the first time, so many people recommend getting waxed the first time and then epilating to stop regrowth.
•Finish up the job with some postshave moisturizer to reduce skin irritation and itchiness.
So, what’ll it be? Baywatch bod or more au naturel? The choice is yours.
Once you’re all gussied up, it’s time to get out there and play! In this day and age, the options are endless—and more readily available than ever before. From glow-in-the-dark condoms to cock rings to full-size, fully functional sex dolls, there may just be something for everyone. Herein may lie the answer to the question, “What do you get the man who has everything?”
First off, the wonders of technology have extended far beyond just connecting potential partners. The new wave of “teledildonics,” or the combination of telecommunications and sex toys, is on the rise with products like iPod vibrators (a vibrator/iPod collaboration),21 the Vibease (a smartphone-controlled vibrator that can even sync up with a selection of erotic novels),22 and RealTouch (a male masturbator that can “do all the work for the guys” by plugging into a computer USB port and syncing with porn).23
These kinds of toys are particularly interesting because they facilitate intimate encounters that can be entirely virtual. As OhMiBod founder Brian Dunham noted, “Nowadays, teenagers’…first experience with intimacy can be virtual, can be through Snapchat. Through a sexy text message or a naughty Facetime session…. Our mission now is to create products that facilitate that and bridge this intimacy gap. Looking ahead into the future, it’s about the different ways you can create intimate moments with your partner, virtually, that will lead to a physical connection.”24
Of course, even in a primarily virtual encounter, there’s likely to be some sort of gunk going on your junk. And that means it’s worth paying attention to just what’s in the bits that touch your bits.
Increased research in this area has led to more options when it comes to things like vegan lubricants and other eco-friendly materials. Retailers like Good Vibrations and Babeland actually host green product lines that capitalize on the “ecosexuality” trend. In 2007, for example, Good Vibrations became the first retail channel to stop carrying products created with phthalates, a type of chemical rubber softener often used in sex toys. Its reasoning? Phthalates have been shown to cause cancer in lab rats when administered in high doses, leading then-governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger to sign a bill banning their use in children’s toys.25 If a chemical is unsafe for children, it’s probably not what you want on your dick.
Not ready to go all natural? Little things like using rechargeable batteries—or even solar power—are other increasingly popular ways to go green in the bedroom.
If novelty is more your priority, there are toys catering to that as well. For those looking for a truly equal experience, there’s the multi-functional sex toy. Case in point: The PicoBong Transformer (available with a 1-year warranty from Amazon!) functions as a clitoral massager, G-spot stimulator, cock ring, prostate massager, and more.26 All right, so it may not be the most aesthetically pleasing toy, but there’s nothing like a sex toy with multiple functions to encourage sharing in bed. (Just make sure to keep up with proper hygiene practices when playing with this one!)
Not finding the perfect toy for that special someone? It may only be a matter of time. As of 2016, adult novelties were a $15 billion industry projected to rise to $50 billion by 2020.27 The more comfortable we get with exposing ourselves, likely the easier it will be to get the man who has everything something he never even knew he needed.