This period of time in your pregnancy is what I like to call the ‘peaceful time’. Things are ticking on by just fine; you may not have another midwife appointment until 34 weeks but you are most definitely looking pregnant. You should have started your antenatal classes if you decided to go down that route, and met some other expectant parents. It’s funny to think that these other women may end up being your lifeline when you’re on maternity leave.
That gorgeous bump is growing beautifully and you can still see your ankles, hooray! As I have often said in this book, there is no need to rush around and feel as if you should be doing this or that. Perhaps you’ve chosen your pram, cot and car seat. Perhaps not: neither is right or wrong, it’s just what feels comfortable for you and your partner. I know lots of women who felt too nervous or superstitious buying anything until at least 36 weeks. Remember: THERE ARE NO RULES. Some top tips:
• Invest in some gorgeous lounge wear – you’ll be spending more and more time at home resting, so treat yourself and wear something comfortable and soft.
• Book a date night – whether it’s going to the local Indian up the road or going away for a long weekend. Most airlines let you fly up until 35 weeks with a singleton pregnancy and 32 with a multiple pregnancy. If you want to go on a flight, remember to get a letter from your midwife or GP.
• Start listening to relaxation tracks. There are lots available online to download – hypnobirthing ones are brilliant, especially just before you go to bed at night, and you and your partner can both listen.
• Talk to your partner. This sounds obvious, but we can spend so much time thinking about baby names, getting the bathroom finished, or buying a new car that actually just sitting down and chatting to them about how they’re feeling is really beneficial. When the baby comes along the dynamics will change and your partner may get jealous.
• Take some photos of your bump. Weirdly, you will miss it when it’s gone and it’s fun to look back over the weeks and see how amazing your body was to carry that baby.
• Moisturise, moisturise, moisturise! And not just your bump: boobs, hips and thighs too. All these areas are changing and expanding and your skin needs all the encouragement it can get. Make this part of your daily skincare routine.
• Treat yourself to a really good pregnancy massage. You will be amazed how good you will feel after having some proper hand action.
• Buy something for your post-pregnancy wardrobe. I invested in my beloved leather jacket. It would take months until it fitted around my boobs but I loved seeing it hanging in my wardrobe and I got a buzz from buying something in a size 10 rather than XXXL. Your body is an amazing thing and it will return to its original shape, or close to it, after you’ve pushed a human out of it. Amazing.
Yes, perineum. Do you know what it is and where yours is? Sounds like a stupid question, right? But the number of times women (pre- and post-birth) tell me they don’t know where theirs is still shocks me!
Most people cringe when they hear the word ‘perineum’; it’s a bit odd-sounding isn’t? Basically your perineum is the piece of muscle and tissue that lies between the bottom part of the vagina and the anus. Prior to having babies, you probably don’t ever think about it, but when you’re pregnant suddenly your midwife is talking about it like it’s public property.
And the reason why midwives talk about it so much is because this is the bit of tissue that has to stretch as your baby’s head comes out (crowns). Don’t wince! It’s amazing how well designed we are as women, however Mother Nature could always do with a helping hand down there. And by help I mean massage. WHAT?! Massage down there during pregnancy? The last area you want to touch or even can physically reach! Yes, I know it sounds all a bit ouchy.
Perineal massage isn’t new at all, though: women have been practising it for centuries and research shows it can significantly reduce damage to the tissue during birth. Most women worry about getting stretch marks in pregnancy and the shelves are full of products promising to be the ‘magic’ lotion or cream to stop them. So why the screwed-up face when I talk to women about massaging down there?
The best time to start perineal massage is around 34 weeks, and I would recommend using an oil such as olive oil, sweet almond oil or sunflower oil.
• Start after you’ve had a bath or shower as you’ll be more relaxed and the tissue will be softer and more comfortable to touch.
• Prop yourself up against some pillows. You can use a mirror if this helps.
• Place your thumbs about 3cm inside your vagina.
• Press your thumbs downward and sideways, gently, until you feel a tingling.
• Hold this stretch for about two minutes.
• Gently massage the lower part of the entrance to your vagina for about three minutes.
• Continue this once or twice a day; after a week you will notice an increase in flexibility and stretchiness.
Some people ask their partner to help with perineal massage; my husband looked at me like I was mental and, to be honest, I was quite happy with doing it myself, but if you’re both happy to, then go for it! I know some of you reading this may be thinking, ‘No way am I going to do this’, but seriously it might mean the difference between an intact perineum and needing stitches. So, pregnant ladies, next time you reach for the olive oil when dressing your salad, remember its other uses too.
Throughout your pregnancy, your baby will wriggle into all sorts of positions as your uterus grows. By around 35 weeks your baby will begin to sink into the pelvis, ready for birth. Sometimes women say to me that this is around the time they notice a change in their baby’s movements. It is usually associated with the change of space around the baby as the head is nicely slotted into the pelvis; those little kicks and punches you used to get change to twists and turns. (But remember, if you notice any change in your baby’s movements that causes you concern you should always call your midwife: see here.)
The ‘occiput anterior’ (OA) position is ideal for birth – it means that the baby is lined up so as to fit through your pelvis as easily as possible. The baby is head down, facing your back, with their back on one side of the front of your tummy. In this position, the baby’s head is easily ‘flexed’ i.e. the chin is tucked on to the chest, so that the smallest part of the head will be applied to the cervix first.
The ‘occiput posterior’ (OP) position is not so good. This means the baby is still head-down, but facing your tummy. Mothers of babies in the ‘posterior’ position are more likely to have a longer labour as the baby usually has to turn all the way round to face the back in order to be born.
But fear not, because this is the time that you can be doing lots to prevent your baby being in this position for birth. The main culprits are lying back on your soft squishy sofa, sitting in car seats where you are leaning back, or anything where your knees are higher than your pelvis. So the best thing to do this is to spend lots of time kneeling or sitting upright, or on hands and knees. When you sit on a chair, make sure your knees are lower than your pelvis, and your trunk should be tilted slightly forwards.
Here are some ways to help your baby move into the right position:
• Watch TV while kneeling on the floor, over a beanbag/cushions, or sit on a dining chair. Also try sitting on a dining chair facing (leaning on) the back.
• Use yoga positions while resting, reading or watching TV – for example, tailor pose (sitting with your back upright and soles of the feet together, knees out to the sides).
• Sit on a wedge cushion in the car, so that your pelvis is tilted forwards. Keep the seat back upright.
• Don’t cross your legs! This reduces the space at the front of the pelvis, and opens it up at the back. For good positioning, the baby needs to have lots of space at the front.
• Don’t put your feet up! Lying back with your feet up encourages posterior presentation.
• Sleep on your side (preferably your left) and never on your back.
• Swimming with your belly downwards is said to be very good for positioning babies.
• A birth ball can encourage good positioning of your baby, both before and during labour.
Stopping work can be something to look forward to for some, and something that others may dread. Whatever your take on it, soon enough you simply won’t be able to waddle around any longer and your feet and back will be crying out for some respite. You’ve been lugging your baby around for months and you deserve time off to prepare for the newest member of your family. Here are some signals to look out for that will indicate it’s time to hang up the keyboard, take off the uniform and say goodbye to colleagues:
• Commuters on the Tube all jump up and give you a seat due to the size of your bump.
• You spend more time going for a wee than actually writing emails.
• If one more person says ‘any day now’ in the office you might kill them.
• The elastic in your trousers finally goes and you just don’t care.
• You waste time tweaking your labour playlist (see here) instead of chasing those all-important invoices.
• You ask yourself: ‘Are my maternity trackie bottoms smart enough for work?’
• You wear your maternity trackie bottoms into work the next day and hope your boss doesn’t notice.
• You’re out of breath by the time you walk down the corridor to the photocopier room.
• Your colleagues find you napping during your lunch break.
• You try to tactically nap behind the screen of your computer.
• You can no longer reach the keyboard on your desk
Hand in your MatB1 certificate to your HR department to get your maternity pay. This is available from your midwife or GP. If you’re freelance, find out what you’re entitled to on the website below. Don’t leave it too late – you don’t want to be chasing back payments once your baby is born – you may be a little bit busy. www.gov.uk/maternity-paternity-calculator
These newborn babies only have a few very basic needs: food, sleep and warmth. If you’ve got those areas covered you will be fine. Collect bits and pieces along the way for when the baby comes so you feel ready, but don’t worry if you run out of time: you can buy anything you like online and get next-day delivery – isn’t technology wonderful? And you’ve got your whole maternity leave to go shopping and it’s kind of fun buying things for your baby once they have actually arrived. Also you’ll be surprised how much you will be given – either new or second-hand – from friends and family.
You don’t need much, mainly because you don’t really know how big your baby will be – they come in all sizes and scans aren’t always reliable.
• 5–10 cotton sleep suits (ideally with closed feet and sewn-in scratch mitts) and 5–10 cotton vests. A combination of newborn and 0–3 months is a good idea in case they turn out to be bigger/smaller than anticipated.
• YOU DON’T NEED SOCKS! They fall off and you’ll inevitably lose one and never have a matching pair again, so stick to babygrows with closed feet.
• A few lightweight cotton baby hats – one for when the baby is first born (so prepare for it getting a bit mucky) and one for leaving the hospital in. At home your baby does not need to wear a hat indoors.
• Midwives recommend not using baby wipes on newborn babies as they are heavily scented with chemicals, so go for cotton wool and warm water. Buy a big pack so you can use it for cleaning around baby’s face too.
• Nappies. Obviously you need loads, so buy in bulk – better to have more because the moment you put a clean nappy on your baby he or she will, without doubt, poo. EVERY TIME! The alternative is to use reusable nappies; however this does involve a bit more work and, in my experience, the tumble dryer was always on, resulting in bigger energy bills.
• A few cotton cellular blankets (don’t buy fleecy ones as they’re made of synthetic materials). I’d also recommend buying a few swaddling muslins.
• Muslins are really useful for mopping up sick (theirs) and tears (yours), so buy in bulk – you can never have enough.
• So are dummies. You might be anti them now but withhold judgement until you’ve experienced extreme sleep deprivation coupled with screamy baby at 4 a.m. Dummies really aren’t that bad – in fact they are said to decrease the chance of SIDS. So get a few in, even if only for emergencies.
Again, you don’t need to get everything before the baby is born. For example, you don’t need to buy a cot until your baby is ready to move into one, which isn’t until he or she is around four months old.
• Moses basket or bedside crib – this can be borrowed, but make sure the mattress has a waterproof wipeable cover. And a few fitted cotton sheets.
• A car seat. This is an absolute must, even if you don’t own a car. Most hospitals have a policy that you shouldn’t leave without your baby in a car seat, even if you’re only getting a taxi round the corner. Buy a new one so you can be 100 per cent certain it hasn’t been involved in a crash.
• A pram. This is such a personal choice and something many couples disagree about. My husband couldn’t believe the price of the pram I tried to convince him to buy first time around (in the end I got it second-hand). If in doubt, go to a large shop that sells all the top brands, test them out and then decide. You will inevitably buy a cheaper, lighter ‘stroller’-type buggy when your child turns one, which will be just the job until he or she refuses to go in it. But you don’t need this before the baby is born.
• A sling. Check out your local sling library or ask friends if they have one to try. Everyone gets on differently with various styles so try before you buy!
• A changing mat. Ideally one that is plastic-covered and wipe-clean for all those moments (trust me, there will be plenty). If you’re pushed for space you really don’t need a changing table – a chest of drawers works just fine, or you can easily change your baby on the floor or on your bed.
A babymoon is a bit like a honeymoon. Only this time you’re at your fattest, rather than your slimmest, and instead of feeling polished and pretty, you’ve probably not even had a basic wax in months, because, let’s be honest, you can no longer see what’s going on down there, and you certainly won’t remember when you last painted your toenails because that stopped happening around the same time you stopped being able to reach your feet. But saying all that, I still believe it’s worth squeezing in a babymoon, whether you’re embarking on motherhood for the first or fourth time.
When you have a baby your relationship changes massively (Sherlock, I hear you say) – in fact, all the family dynamics change with a new arrival: an only child becomes a big brother or sister; the baby of the family gets boosted to the unenviable position of middle child; you become a mum of one, or a mum of many. And, of course, with each baby, it becomes even more tricky to find time for the one who used to be your only significant other. So, even if you’ve got three at home already, however hard it is (logistically, financially, emotionally), it’s always going to be easier to find some time to get away before another arrives. So just do it! Find that free weekend, call on Granny, Grandpa, your friend, a neighbour, hopefully-not-a-stranger and get away!
Now, where to go? Somewhere hot, sunny and far-flung? An intrepid adventure? Not so likely. For one, you’re probably too pregnant to fly long-haul (check with your doctor or midwife), you’re also probably going to want to save that holiday leave for when the baby arrives and you need your other half off work, and then there’s the money issue. The long-haul hols might have to be put on a back-burner for a while.
So good ole Blighty! The weather is unpredictable and it may not feel very adventurous, but there are plenty of places that are perfect for your pre-baby getaway. And think of the reduced travel time! ‘I love travelling for hours,’ said no pregnant woman ever.
Here are my top tips for booking the babymoon of dreams … Ladies, bookmark this page for your partner!
1 FOOD. We know it’s essential for every pregnant woman’s emotional and psychological well-being but the babymoon is an opportunity to experience culinary delight. There’s not a lot left for a heavily pregnant woman to enjoy (sleep, no; sex, probably not by now; all-night raves, no; cocktails, no; skinny jeans, no; sexy lingerie, um … no) but food is still one of them (hurrah!). Find the nicest restaurant you can afford and book it.
2 SPA. A bit of a babymoon cliché, but there’s a reason it’s such a popular place for pregnant women. When absolutely everything feels heavy and broken and achy, even your vagina, there is literally nothing better than floating like a weightless whale in a warm pool (sans the soundtrack of screaming kids). It’s incredible. Leave your inhibitions in the changing room, don that maternity swimsuit and dive in (maybe don’t actually dive in). If your spa day includes a treatment, even better. A pregnancy massage is actual real-life bliss (see here).
3 Finally, the most important part of your romantic getaway – it’s what you dream about day and night while battling insomnia, cramp and reflux, it begins with S … and no, it’s not sex, obviously. It’s SLEEP! Is there a heavily pregnant woman who wouldn’t cut off a limb for a decent night’s sleep?! Find a really, really lux hotel to stay in. Even if you can only stay one night and you feel you’ve blown all your babymoon budget on a bed – do it. Weeks away from giving birth, there is nothing in this world that beats sinking into the most comfortable hotel bed, with more pillows than even a pregnant woman needs, drifting off to sleep dreaming of breakfast served on a silver tray. And if your other half is lucky, he might even get lucky! It’s not beyond the realms of possibility that a rested, well-fed, relaxed pregnant woman might be up for it. No guarantees, though.
Check with your midwife or doctor if it’s safe for you to fly and that it’s safe to have jabs if you need them for your destination. Most airlines require a letter confirming this. And don’t forget your maternity notes!
Although a lot of people are put off by the slightly bats name, ‘hypnobirthing’ is, in fact, the most logical, gentle and profound form of birth education I have come across. At its core, hypnobirthing combines an education in the physiology and the psychology of birth. You will learn exactly how your birthing muscles are designed to work during labour, how your hormonal responses affect them, and how to put yourself back in control of the two.
Mammals are designed to give birth comfortably and efficiently. Sadly though, in Western culture we are bombarded from an early age with images that portray birth as traumatic and painful. Our subconscious mind stores these messages and when we become pregnant and go into labour, a fight-or-flight mechanism is triggered to protect us from the perceived danger ahead. The production of adrenalin diverts blood and oxygen to our defence systems, and away from our reproductive system, meaning our birthing muscles become deprived of the fuel they need. These muscles become tired and tense, creating painful contractions that confirm our initial fear of how awful birth is. If we can short-circuit this adrenalin production, our birthing muscles will get what they need to work harmoniously.
With that in mind, a big part of hypnobirthing is about giving your subconscious mind a bit of a clear-out. You will explore where your fears of birth come from and release unhelpful beliefs. You will then begin to reprogramme your subconscious by looking at how other mammals and women in other parts of the world birth with more ease; by using daily positive affirmations; and surrounding yourself with healthy imagery of birth.
Birth partners can all too often feel like a bit of a spare part and hypnobirthing changes that too. You will both learn simple but specific deep relaxation, massage and breathing techniques. You will learn how to communicate with caregivers, make informed decisions and put yourselves back in control of your birth. You will be equipped to navigate the turns of your labour in a way that means you feel confident, calm and empowered. Involving the birth partner in this way not only makes for a more enjoyable pregnancy together, but also means that when you go into labour, you will feel fully supported so that you really can tune in to what your body wants from you, even if you’re someone who naturally finds it difficult to switch off.
Hypnobirthing doesn’t promise a perfect birth, but it will give you the best birth for you and your baby at the time, and if you commit to even small amounts of daily practice, you will create a positive, joyful experience that will stay with you and your baby for the rest of your lives.
Hypnobirthing, for me, is not about ‘should’; it’s about empowerment. While courses are generally geared towards natural births with minimal interventions, what is taught are tools, not ideals. And part of natural birth is the unexpected twists and turns it can sometimes take. It’s all about teaching women to trust their instincts, ask questions, make informed decisions and follow the lead of their bodies. To trust their birth partner, to work in harmony with their baby, to create the best birth environment possible. So if you’re pregnant and reading this, please don’t just wing it. Equip yourself with a big toolbox of knowledge and techniques to give you confidence and self-belief to use throughout pregnancy, birth and beyond into motherhood. Your baby’s birth stays with you for ever: for it to be powerful and positive is life-changing.
One easy exercise to do at home is a breathing technique called ‘up-breathing’. You can use this during your pregnancy to help calm the mind and relax the body, and also during the early stages of labour (see here). Close your eyes, relax your body, inhale through your nose to a count of four and then out through your nose to a count of six. A longer exhale will immediately work to quieten your mind and shut out distractions, helping you to maintain focus and calm. Be sure to breathe into your stomach, rather than chest. Your shoulders should remain soft and relaxed.