Chapter 8
Coming of Age: The Bar/Bat Mitzvah
In This Chapter
Understanding why all adult Jews are already Bar or Bat Mitzvah
Discovering your “birth portion” of the Torah
Making the big bash a meaningful event
Committing to Judaism with a confirmation ceremony
We all live, grow, learn, and die. Judaism has developed rituals to mark and honor each major step in life, so that every child is born into a community with joy, and every person dies within their community with solemn dignity. Sadly, few people outside of traditional communities mark transitions with rituals anymore. Sure, a fortieth birthday party is considered a big event, but compare that to someone stepping through a door like puberty — they’re truly never the same afterward.
In this chapter, we take a look at two important steps: coming of age and the confirmation of faith. Jewish tradition says that when girls turn 12 and boys turn 13, they take on new responsibilities in the community. In traditional congregations, this is the point at which boys are expected to start donning tefillin and performing daily prayers in a minyan (see Chapter 4) and girls are expected to learn the ways of keeping a home. Even though in today’s day and age no one expects these teenagers to suddenly become adults after the ceremony, Jews honor this change with ritual.
In Judaism, every boy is automatically Bar Mitzvah at age 13 and a day, and every girl is Bat Mitzvah at age 12 and a day. No lengthy study or an appearance in the synagogue is required. The fancy ceremony is nice, but technically unnecessary.
Bar or Bat Mitzvah is a state of being, not a verb. You can’t be “bar mitzvahed,” even though you hear the term used in that way. Bar Mitzvah means “son of the commandment,” and Bat Mitzvah means “daughter of the commandment” (some folks still say “bas mitzvah,” which is the Ashkenazi pronunciation). The phrases “Bar Mitzvah” and “Bat Mitzvah” may also refer to the boy or girl, as in “The Bat Mitzvah is practicing for her big day.”
Preparing for the Big Day
The traditional Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony is no easy task, and it requires study and discipline on the part of the boy or girl. They must learn enough Hebrew to read from the Torah (and often Haftarah, too — the section from the Prophets associated with each Torah portion; see Chapter 3 for more information) and master enough Jewish history and law to understand the context of what they’re reading. To prepare, kids take classes and often work one-on-one with their rabbi, cantor, or teacher, focusing on their portion of the Torah and/or Haftarah (see the sidebar Reading your birth parashah).
The Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony is almost always scheduled at a synagogue on the Saturday morning Torah reading that follows the child’s twelfth (for a girl) or thirteenth (for a boy) birthday, though this can vary widely. Because of scheduling conflicts at synagogues, some Bar/Bat Mitzvahs (the more proper Hebrew plurals are B’nai Mitzvah and B’not Mitzvah) are set for weeks or even months after the birthday.
The event can be held anywhere, even at home, and it doesn’t require a rabbi to be present. Some families even travel to Jerusalem to perform this rite. Also, the ceremony doesn’t have to be held on Shabbat; it can be any morning that the Torah is read during services (Monday, Thursday, and Shabbat). Some families like to schedule the ceremony on Saturday afternoon so that the festivities can conclude with Havdalah (see Chapter 18).
Celebrating the Bar/Bat Mitzvah
On the day of the big event, almost everyone is tense and nervous. Often family and friends have traveled long distances to be present, and the Bar Mitzvah boy or Bat Mitzvah girl stresses about the upcoming performance in front of a crowd of people.
Traditionally, the father is called to the Torah for an aliyah (“going up,” since Torah is read from a raised portion of the synagogue) before the congregation and says a blessing that thanks God for relieving him of legal responsibility for any future negative actions of his child, although this blessing is almost always omitted in more liberal congregations. Instead, the parents may take the opportunity to address the child publicly, saying how proud they are of him or her.
The Bar/Bat Mitzvah is called up, usually to read the final lines of the Torah portion, called the maftir, followed by the Haftarah reading. They follow that with a d’var Torah, a short talk usually relating the readings to his or her life. Following the service, a celebration commences, and the pressure of the day is happily past. Some congregations follow the Sephardic custom of tossing sweet candies after the Bar/Bat Mitzvah chants the Torah or Haftarah.
Reading from the Good Book
In some less-traditional congregations, the child’s grandparents may take the Torah out of the ark and pass it to the child’s parents, who then pass it to the boy or girl. We like this ritual because it offers a chance for the whole family to be involved in this rite of passage and symbolizes how Torah is handed down from generation to generation. Then, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah recites the traditional blessings before the reading.
In many cases, especially when the boy or girl doesn’t know Hebrew very well, it’s sufficient to recite the blessing before and after the Torah reading, (this probably reflects the original ritual of Bar Mitzvah). Remember that reading the Torah is difficult: The text has no written vowels, and so both the pronunciation of words and their melody must be memorized. In some cases, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah just chants the Haftarah portion for the week, and sometimes members of the family are brought up to share in the Torah reading.
Books can tell you what portion of the Torah was being read on the week of your birth, but the Web makes locating the appropriate passage even easier. We provide links to helpful sites such as this at our website, www.joyofjewish.com.
Reading your birth parashah
Traditionally, the Torah and/or Haftarah portion read during a Bar/Bat Mitzvah is whatever passage would normally be read that week (see Chapter 3). However, Ted recommends a slightly different custom: He believes that no matter when the ceremony is during the year, the portion of the Torah to be read should be the child’s birth parashah — that is, the Torah passage that was being read on the week that the child was born.
Although other cultures tend to focus on the position of the stars or other historical events that occur at the time of a birth, Jews with a more mystical bent (like Ted) tend to think that the birth portion may provide a profound appreciation and understanding of one’s own life. It’s kind of like knowing that you were born on the day Pearl Harbor was bombed or the day humans landed on the moon. Because the Torah passage read at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah may be the only part of the Torah that the child ever fully learns to chant, the birth parashah is the perfect reading to focus on.
Speech! Speech!
After the Torah reading, the boy or girl usually presents a short speech. Traditionally, the speech focuses on the Torah portion just read (called a d’rash or a d’var Torah), allowing the child to demonstrate mastery of the passage. However, today, this speech is just as often a time to thank parents and teachers, or an opportunity for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah to make a statement about who he is or what she believes in.
Often the parents present a short speech to their son or daughter after the child’s d’var Torah, and then the rabbi may give a short sermon and bless the Bar or Bat Mitzvah before the worship service continues.
A night to celebrate
The most controversial aspect of Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremonies these days is the party that follows them. Jewish tradition states that some sort of seudat mitzvah (“festive meal”) is required. However, in recent decades this little party has too often grown into a time of social one-upmanship; these are the nights when folks remember the “Bar” more than the “Mitzvah.”
You’ve probably heard stories of families spending a small fortune on an outrageous Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration simply because it has to be “the best Bar/Bat Mitzvah party ever.” And although we know that both children and their parents have social pressures, we believe that it’s much more important to focus on the meaning of the day rather than how much you can spend on a party.
Here are a few ways that you can make the Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration special without going overboard:
Choose a reasonable allowance for the celebration and then sit down with your son or daughter and work on the budget together. This is an excellent time for you to work with your child on being responsible with money, by helping him choose where and how to spend it.
Some congregations now insist that the boy or girl complete some sort of volunteer community service before the big day, as a mitzvah project, demonstrating their acceptance of new responsibilities for their community and their world.
Many people commit 3 percent of the total cost of the celebration to Mazon: A Jewish Response to Hunger, a non-profit organization that funds soup kitchens and other food programs for those in need. See their website at www.mazon.org for more information.
Sit down with your child in advance to plan what he or she will do with any monetary gifts. She may decide to allot a percentage of the money to charity (you can even ask your child to research and pick the charities). This helps teach the child that being Bar/Bat Mitzvah is not just being responsible for oneself, but also for the rest of the world.
Shop for a tallit (prayer shawl) with your child, or help your child make a bag to carry the tallit in.
Study for the ceremony with your child so that the event becomes a family affair. Let your son or daughter pick out books about Judaism and then read them together in preparation.
Add special readings, poems, prayers, or music to the service to personalize it.
Find ways to give additional rights and responsibilities to your child. Perhaps raise your child’s allowance and allow a later bedtime, but also ask him to perform more chores around the house.
Ultimately, the Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony and celebration offers an opportunity for the child to learn that he or she can work hard, complete a big task, and gain a better sense of self in the process. The party should honor that work and that person, not just be a flash in the pan. And when the community truly welcomes the Bar or Bat Mitzvah with added respect as well as with deeper expectations, he or she can experience a true deepening of personal identity and responsibility.
A first-timers’ guide to a Bar/Bat Mitvah ceremony
Just about everyone — Jew and non-Jew — gets invited to a Bar or Bat Mitzvah ceremony sooner or later, making it one of the most visible Jewish rituals. Nonetheless, some folks turn down the invitation because they’re not sure what is expected of them. Here’s all you need to know:
Attendees are rarely expected to do anything at a Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony except look proud of and impressed by the boy or girl.
Men should wear a yarmulke (kippah) during the service, as is proper in most Jewish worship services. If you don’t have one, you can usually borrow one as you enter the synagogue. See Chapter 4 for more information.
Gifts are almost universally expected (unfortunately, for some kids this is the main reason to have the ceremony). One particular gift became so traditional that for many years people joked that on the big day, a kid could stand up and say, “Today I am a fountain pen.” However, the gift doesn’t have to be big, and often family members and friends just give the boy or girl money; traditionally, a monetary gift is given in multiples of 18. (In Hebrew numerology, the numerical value of the Hebrew letters that make up the word chai, or “life,” is 18.) If the service is held on Shabbat, you probably should send the gift directly to the home rather than bring it to the ceremony, particularly if the family is more traditional and refrains from carrying things on Shabbat.
When the ceremony is over, congratulate the Bar Mitzvah boy or Bat Mitzvah girl by saying “Mazel Tov!”
At the reception, you may want to wait to eat or drink until you know whether a blessing will be given first.
Celebrating as a grown up
Few aspects of the Bar/Bat Mitzvah are set in stone; most are just firmly entrenched customs. That said, you don’t have to have a Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony when you turn 12 or 13 (remember that being Bar or Bat Mitzvah doesn’t require a ceremony at all). In the past 25 years, many adults have celebrated their newfound interest and study of Judaism with a Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony, especially if they didn’t have one as a teenager.
An adult Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebration usually takes the same format as a regular ceremony (see the previous section). However, learning about Judaism and honoring a Jewish identity as an adult can be significantly more fulfilling and meaningful than for most 12- or 13-year-olds.
Many older adults also choose to have a second Bar/Bat Mitzvah when they’re 83. Some folks say that when you turn 70 years old, life begins again, so 13 years later (when you’re 83) you can have another ceremony. In fact, Judith Kaplan Eisenstein, the first-ever Bat Mitzvah girl (see the sidebar Historically speaking earlier in this chapter), celebrated her second Bat Mitzvah at age 83 in 1992.
Confirming Your Beliefs
We mean no offense to anyone who is 12 or 13 years old, but we just don’t think most early teens are in a position to make a deep commitment to Judaism. In fact, a significant number of boys and girls end their studies of Judaism after their Bar/Bat Mitzvah, long before they may appreciate its deeper teachings. This isn’t a new problem; in fact, almost 200 years ago the early German Reform Jews recognized that the Bar Mitzvah ceremony was becoming less meaningful. Their solution was to abolish the Bar Mitzvah ceremony altogether and institute a new celebration: the Jewish confirmation, held when the child is between 15 and 17, at the beginning of summer, on Shavuot (see Chapter 26), the day that the Israelites confirmed their faith at Sinai.
Traditional Jews scoffed at the confirmation as a blatant attempt at assimilation (Christian rituals of confirmation were already a common practice), but the 19th-century reformers’ intentions were simply to make Judaism more relevant and meaningful. Seeing that 13-year-olds were, on the whole, not yet mature enough, they postponed the coming-of-age ceremony for a few years and changed the name to confirmation. Needless to say, abolishing the Bar Mitzvah ceremony didn’t last long, and today most Jews in Reform, Conservative, and Reconstructionist congregations perform both a Bar/Bat Mitzvah ceremony and a confirmation ceremony. Few, if any, Orthodox Jews celebrate confirmation.
As preparation for confirmation, teenagers usually study for two or three more years after their Bar/Bat Mitzvah, and make a conscious choice to become members of the Jewish community. Confirmation ceremonies usually involve the whole confirmation class conducting a service, often adding dramatic readings and creative elements to express their commitment.