Mindfulness meditation has been practiced for thousands of years. The Buddha taught his followers how to meditate on the breath, physical sensations, emotions, and thoughts way before mindfulness became the wildly popular word it is today. It’s a tried and true practice that has stood the test of time.
Mindfulness is the practice of greeting all experiences with acceptance and curiosity. It allows you to know what you are feeling when you are feeling it and what you are thinking when you are thinking it. Mindfulness opens up a small space before acting on a thought. It’s a path that allows you to stop resisting what is and embrace the present moment. Being mindful helps you to create a new relationship with your emotions, mind, and the world at large. Meditation is a formal practice that you carve out time for each day. There are many different types of meditation from many different traditions. In this book we will be primarily focusing on mindfulness meditation, traditionally called vipassana, which means to see things as they really are. We will also explore loving kindness or Mettā practice, as well as many special exercises aimed at bringing more mindfulness into your sex life.
I’ve put together a collection of some of my favorite techniques to get you started. Most of these techniques are based on or inspired by Shinzen Young’s mindfulness teachings.1 Throughout the book, I’ll refer to these techniques and offer ways to use them in your sex life. Don’t feel that you have to master all of these techniques. Choose the ones that seem most interesting and apply them to what you are addressing in your life.
Many people have heard about meditation before, and might even believe in the benefits of a regular meditation practice, but have found reasons to stop themselves from incorporating meditation into their daily lives. I understand that struggle: Meditation can seem like a big and frightening commitment. Before we go into specific meditation practices and techniques, let’s address a few reasons for not meditating that you may be holding on to.
You do not have to have a quiet mind to meditate. I always tell new students that meditation isn’t about getting rid of our thoughts, it’s about creating a new relationship with them.
Let me share this story with you. A group of monks from the Forest Thai tradition were sitting around, asking their teacher, Ajahn Chah, some questions. One asked, “What kind of person has no thoughts?” They threw around some guesses: an enlightened being? A Buddha? Ajahn Chah looked at them and simply said, “A dead person.”
We are living humans! We have living brains that think thoughts. If you don’t understand that basic condition, you are in for a very frustrating meditation experience. There are times when our minds quiet down—usually when we are deeply immersed in something (perhaps when working an art project, playing a sport, or having sex). Meditation, of course, can help with reaching these more “quiet” states. As you start to practice, you’ll find that the mind settles over time, especially during longer sits or on meditation retreats. It’s a wonderful feeling to be free from thought, but thought will always return. That’s because you’re alive. Freedom from thought comes not in the absence of thought, but in cultivating a new relationship to your thoughts and feelings. That’s what meditation is about.
Yes, you do. Unless you never watch Netflix; do any nonworkrelated social networking, obsessively empty your inbox to get to zero new messages; or read, watch, or listen to news of any kind, you have time. You have a lot more time than you think you do. You have ten minutes a day for your meditation practice. You’ll just need to start the new habit, and maybe let go of some old ones.
There are also lots of ways to bring your meditation practice into your life off the cushion. We will explore some ways to do that in this chapter.
Who said you needed a noiseless environment to meditate? If it’s noisy, that’s just something to accept. Keep returning to your meditation and notice how your thoughts or sensations are affected by the sounds.
Sound is actually a wonderful thing to meditate on. I’m not including this technique in the manual, but it’s very simple. Just listen to the sound. If you are pulled into thoughts about sounds, bring your attention back to the pure sound.
Meditation does not have to be religious or spiritual. Let go of that excuse. I am not religious, and I’m a meditation teacher! I do tend to talk in spiritual terms, but I don’t subscribe to any particular spiritual philosophy or doctrine, and I won’t ask you to either. If the more spiritual parts of this book or mentions of religion bother you, just skip those sections or read them with a snarky smirk. You can think of these practices as exercises for your mind. These practices will sharpen your concentration skills, give you more emotional flexibility, help you to understand other people better, and improve your sex life.
If you do follow a certain religion, that is also not a problem. Most religions have some form of contemplation already worked in. What you learn in this book can be a complement to the practices your religion already offers.
If you are new to meditation, you probably have some questions. These are the most frequent ones that I’ve heard.
Every day. This is pretty much a nonnegotiable. You will only receive the benefits of a meditation practice if you actually practice. I’ve had private students who only want to practice when I’m there guiding them. They may gain some insight or experience some relaxation during our sessions, but they aren’t able to carry those insights into their daily lives. In those situations, I’m really just a Band-Aid. For some people, reading spiritual self-help books like this one can work the same way. It would be like having a box full of books about learning French, but never trying to speak a word. So please practice, because the real healing and growth comes when you begin to make meditation a daily habit. Of course you’ll miss a day here and there. I do too! The trick is to get back on track the next day, without making a big deal of the missed day or judging yourself.
Ideally, thirty to sixty minutes a day, but I know this is not feasible for a lot of people. Ten minutes a day is a great start. Over time you’ll be able to build it up. And remember that you probably have more time than you think you do.
Wherever and whenever! For some people it can be helpful to choose a time of day (a lot of my students like to meditate in the morning) and a specific spot to meditate consistently. The routine can be helpful, especially in the beginning, in remembering to meditate every day.
It’s nice to create a little area in your home that’s just for meditation. You can keep your meditation chair or cushion there, along with anything that inspires you to practice. But having a specific place where you meditate isn’t a requirement.
Nope. All that’s required is some uninterrupted time and you. Of course if a candle or a prayer is going to facilitate your practice, then go for it. This is your practice, your adventure. Make it work for you.
Let whoever you live with know that you are going to meditate (this translates to, “Don’t bug me for the next fifteen minutes”). Put your phone on silent, and make sure your computer won’t be tweeting at you either. Set a timer. I use the timer on my phone, but if you’d rather keep your phone out of the mix, get yourself a cheap digital kitchen timer. If you have a bad “phone checking” habit, the urge to sneak a peek might be too strong if it’s nearby. Once your timer is set, settle into your posture and begin.
Your meditation posture is a personal thing, and you get to do what is best for your body. It’s not necessary to sit in a full lotus position to meditate—in fact, you can meditate lying down! My style of sitting is usually half lotus, but that can change depending on how my body feels. Here are a few options for posture.
Sit cross-legged, in half lotus, or in full lotus (only if this is something you can do without excessive pain) on a cushion. Zafus are a special type of cushion made for meditation. You can find them in many online stores. Make sure that your butt is lifted up a bit on the cushion and that your pelvis is pointing down. This will help take some pressure off of your back. Either way, you may also want a blanket or cushioned mat (zabuton) under you as well. You don’t need these special meditation props to meditate, but they can make the experience more comfortable.
For some people using a meditation bench is a better option. These can also easily be purchased online. You sit on the bench with your legs folded under, kneeling on the floor. You will want a small cushion on the bench and some padding, like a blanket, under your knees.
Sitting in a chair is a great option if the floor doesn’t work for you. There is absolutely no shame in using a chair. I have a friend who has had serious ongoing back issues. At her first meditation retreat she tried her best to sit on the floor, but the pain got worse and worse. She decided that she just wasn’t going to be able to stick it out with this whole “meditate for ten days” thing. Finally, she told a teacher what was going on and the teacher laughed, saying, “Just sit on a chair, silly!” She now goes to meditation retreats regularly and happily meditates in a chair.
For this posture you’ll want both feet on the ground. Don’t cross your legs. Sit a bit away from the back of the chair or put cushions behind you, so that you don’t slouch.
Whichever sitting version you use, imagine there is a balloon attached to a cord that starts at the base of your spine and runs all the way up and out of the top of your head. As your spine straightens, allow your body to relax. This is a gentle stacking of the spine; it shouldn’t be rigid or tight. Allow your shoulders to drop down and back, and let go of any intentional tension in your body. Just use the muscles you need for sitting up. Allow everything else to relax as much as possible.
If sitting for an extended time is not possible for you due to an injury or chronic issue, you can always practice meditation lying down. The only problem with this posture is that it’s very easy to fall asleep. So that is something you’ll need to be aware of, because sleeping is not the same as meditating.
For the lying down posture, simply lie flat on the floor. This is just like savasana (corpse pose) at the end of a yoga class. Turn your palms up and allow your legs and feet to splay out. If you have lower back issues, try putting a pillow or rolled up blanket under your knees. Allow your whole body to melt into the ground. And stay awake.
Once you are settled in, aim to sit still for your entire meditation. At first that can seem impossible, but as you practice it becomes easier. Moving around a bunch doesn’t really help anyway. It’s like Whack a Mole. You’ll find that once you shift your posture because of an ache in your leg, you notice another ache somewhere else.
Your feet and legs may fall asleep—that’s something you get used to. It’s going to happen from time to time if you sit on the floor. After years of meditating, it generally doesn’t bother me when my legs fall asleep. Sometimes I won’t even realize until I try to stand up and I can’t! I can also report that I’ve had no bodily damage due to sitting with some pins and needles.
This doesn’t mean you are condemned to total motionlessness. You are aiming for stillness. When you become aware of the desire to move, pause. Take a moment to feel the discomfort and notice how emotions and thoughts arise in reaction to it. Being comfortable with discomfort can be incredibly helpful in life. If you still feel that you must move, then go ahead and move. Do your best to make the adjustment with as much mindfulness as you can. Move with intention, rather than compulsively. Pay attention to how it feels to move and how you feel after moving.
Often, a lot of the pain beginning meditators feel is a kind of emotional pain and resistance. It can be scary to sit with yourself— who knows what will come up? This type of pain is tricky and you’ll have to explore to find out if that’s what is going on for you. You might be sitting there with loads of pain, and then as soon as the timer goes off, the pain vanishes. As your body learns that it’s safe to be still, this type of pain will subside.
There most likely will be some aches, pains, and pins and needles no matter how you sit. Even lying still can be uncomfortable at times. Noticing how uncomfortable it is to be still is often one of the first insights people have. Over time you will get accustomed to stillness and the pain will subside, and when it does arise it won’t bother you as much. But please always listen to your own body and never push yourself to hold a posture that is causing extreme discomfort.
After you have settled into your chosen posture, take a few minutes to relax. This period of relaxation is part of your meditation, and is included in the amount of time you’ve decided to practice. Don’t worry if you can’t relax completely. Just relax wherever you can. If there is tension that just doesn’t want to loosen up, relax all around the tension, offering it acceptance. You may be amazed or overwhelmed by how much tension you discover. Do your best to keep inviting relaxation and focus on what is relaxed.
I always say that relaxing is a brave thing to do. We have tension in our bodies for all kinds of reasons. Some of us have been tense for a long time. A car accident or an emotional or physical trauma can create tension in the body. As we learn to relax we may come in contact with a lot of resistance and some challenging emotions. Over time your body will learn that it’s okay to relax, and the years of trapped tension will begin to unwind.
I also recommend that you finish each session with a period of relaxation. You can include this in the timed session or just take thirty seconds to a minute after the timer goes off to relax your body.
Give it a try now. The instructions below can guide you through a relaxation exercise.
That’s it. For some people, using visualization helps. You can imagine each muscle relaxing. Or you can visualize a warm golden liquid spreading through your body as you relax more and more.
It can also be helpful to start with a few deep breaths, sighing out loud on the exhale. If you are feeling particularly tense, you might want to try intentionally tightening up and then releasing. You can scrunch up your face, shrug your shoulders up to your ears, make fists, tighten your butt cheeks, curl your toes, and then let it all go with a big sigh.
For some of the techniques, I offer you the option of using a label. A label is a word spoken aloud or in the mind during your meditation. The label is to help facilitate mindfulness with whatever you are focusing on. If you are meditating on the body, you can say BODY silently in your mind each time you notice a sensation. If you stay with a particular sensation you can use the label every five seconds or so to help you remain focused. The label isn’t a mantra—it’s an acknowledgment.
The labels are totally optional. If they work for you, use them. If they don’t, don’t.
Sometimes, when you sit down to meditate, a lot will come up. This is especially true for beginners or anyone who is dealing with emotional challenges. Once you sit down with yourself, anything you’ve been holding down will rush to the surface. This is a good thing—as we all know, keeping our emotions bottled up never works for long. It’s important to be brave and willing to work through this material. But it’s also important to be gentle.
If you start to feel overwhelmed, it may be time to switch to a positive or restful technique. Some signs of being overwhelmed are extreme fatigue, confusion, and a fast heartbeat. You may also get angry and want to stop meditating. You might question your entire practice. Redirect your attention through some practices I’ll introduce in Chapter Three, REST AND RELAX or POSITIVITY BOOST.
Remember: Be brave but gentle.
It’s very common to get sleepy during meditation when you first start practicing, and it makes a lot of sense. When do you close your eyes and relax your body? When you go to sleep. So it just takes a little time for your system to get used to the idea of staying awake during meditation.
If you are feeling sleepy, take a moment to lengthen your spine. This will send your mind and body the message that it’s time to wake up. Or you can always open your eyes for a moment to snap out of sleepiness.
Sometimes sleepiness can be resistance. When I encounter sleepiness it usually means I’m on the edge of a big spiritual and emotional breakthrough. That can be scary, so my body will respond by telling me to go straight to bed and throw the covers over my head. Because I’m aware of that, I keep meditating.
Many people never get a meditation practice going because they can’t quiet their minds. They get sick of the Quiet Mind Battle they have to wage every time they try to meditate. So, right now, before you even start, wave the white flag. Give up the fight. Cash in your chips. You are not going to win. You are a human with a brain that thinks thoughts. You don’t need a quiet mind to meditate. All you need is the resolve to keep coming back to whatever you are meditating on.
When you find yourself unconsciously caught up in your thoughts, gently pick up your attention and put it back on what you are focusing on. That’s it. No need to judge yourself. Getting mad at yourself for being distracted will start to infuse your meditation practice with negativity. Then you’ll be less likely to meditate. Instead, celebrate that you woke up and recognized that you were mired in thoughts. This joyful and accepting attitude will strengthen your practice and your desire to meditate. Eventually thoughts will become less sticky as your relationship with your mind evolves. The mind will start to become less noisy and calmer. By giving up the battle, you’ll win the war.
The following chapter includes a whole bunch of my favorite techniques. Starting today, practice one of these meditations for at least ten minutes. You can stick with one for a week or two, or try a different one each day. As you read through the rest of the book, I’ll be pointing out where a certain technique might be helpful. If you already have a meditation technique that is really working for you, great—you can use that. But it may be helpful to explore with something new too.