This is a classic, and one that may be familiar to you even if you have never meditated. This is a version of a technique that has been taught for thousands of years, with good reason. Focusing on the breath can be very calming and grounding, and it also gets you in touch with the impermanent nature of all things. Your breath is constantly moving and changing. Each inhale is new. Each exhale is new.
For some people, focusing on the breath can bring up a sense of panic. It can feel like you are too aware of breathing, or that you can’t get enough air. If this happens to you, try to focus on what feels good about breathing. Being very concentrated on the breath can actually be quite enjoyable. Of course, if this technique continues to make you feel anxious, don’t use it. There are plenty of other options in this chapter. As you become more comfortable with meditation, you may be able to return to this technique.
For this meditation, I offer you several ways to explore the breath. Feel free to play around with all of them, moving back and forth. Or choose to stay with one. Most importantly, treat this as an adventure! The more deeply you focus on your breath, the more interesting it will become.
When I first started practicing meditation, I wanted to dive into the darkest, most painful material in my life. I was a real masochist.
I did get a lot of spiritual and emotional insight by exploring such challenging aspects, but looking back, I would have included a lot more relaxation meditation in my daily routine. I think it was somewhat traumatizing to power through so much so quickly. While meditation will improve your life in countless ways, it is strong medicine and you need gentleness as well as bravery. Today, relaxation is a very important part of my practice and my teaching. I recommend starting and ending every meditation with a period of relaxation. You can also make relaxation your whole meditation. As you strengthen your meditation skills, focusing on something that feels good is quite helpful. Your mind and body learn that meditating is enjoyable, which creates a positive feedback loop. Meditation will become something to look forward to. This positive loop can be inspired and encouraged by using relaxation as your meditation focus. REST AND RELAX helps to access deep states of rest and concentration.
REST AND RELAX can also be a powerful tool for working through difficult material. Borrowing from Peter Levine’s work in Somatic Experiencing,1 I ask students to find a resource in their bodies when working with trauma or any challenging emotions or thoughts. This means to find a place that feels okay in the body: a spot that feels relaxed, or at least more relaxed than the other areas. By focusing on that spot, you give intense emotions or thoughts a chance to cycle through, while you are safe and anchored to your resource. Even if you are not working through trauma, having a somatic resource is important for when you feel overwhelmed during meditation (or any other time).
It’s very normal to start to notice everything that isn’t relaxed when you start to practice this technique. Your attention might keep getting drawn to that knot in your shoulder or that stomachache from eating extra spicy rice for lunch. Your job here is to keep coming back to what is relaxed and feels good. Allow that good feeling to fill up the bandwidth of your attention. It’s okay if you keep getting pulled away to discomfort (and thoughts about discomfort); just keep coming back to the relaxed area.
If you can’t find a place in the body that feels relaxed, you have a few options. You can relax your body, section by section, as many times as you like. Each time, really pay attention to the sensation of the muscles in your body relaxing, even if they only relax a little bit. You can also try tightening up and releasing various muscles as I mentioned earlier. If none of that makes it possible to access a relaxed area in the body, just find a neutral place. A spot that doesn’t hurt and doesn’t have much sensation at all. The back of your hand, the tip of your nose, or maybe your feet. Eventually you will start to notice relaxation more easily.
As your concentration skills increase, you’ll be able to focus on relaxation even if you are experiencing intense physical pain. I used this technique while I was in the hospital for some wickedly painful stomach issues. Already in immense pain, I ended up with a crazy migraine. My pain was a ten on the scale and then some. It seemed like everything hurt. As I waited for the doctors to give me some painkillers, I focused on my feet. There was no pain in my feet—they were quite relaxed. As I got some relief, I was able to notice and focus on other places in the body that were relaxed. I settled down and I stopped suffering. I was still in pain, but pain is different from suffering.
Relaxing feels good! It’s okay for meditation to be something that you enjoy and get pleasure from. Feel free to put on some soothing music, wrap yourself in a soft, cozy blanket, and practice REST AND RELAX just to feel good.
With this technique, you have the option of using labels. Remember that labels are optional and should be used only if they help you to be more mindful. As always, you can change the label to whatever suits your fancy.
The PLEASURE BOOST works the same way as REST AND RELAX. For this technique, you can follow the same directions, with the emphasis on pleasure instead of relaxation (though they are often one and the same). Try to find a source of pleasure within your body. If you’d like to use a label, try the word PLEASURE.
People often miss that there are opportunities to feel pleasure all the time. Here are just a few examples:
That is a short list—there are so many more pleasurable moments throughout the day. All you need to do is start to bring your attention to them. By practicing this technique, you’ll become more sensitized to instances of pleasure.
Thinking negatively and being attached to negative emotions is a habit. Like any habit, it’s possible to change. The POSITIVITY BOOST will help you to rewire your mind to walk on the sunny side of life, without resisting or repressing the dark clouds that will inevitably arise sometimes.
In Buddhism, this type of meditation comes under the umbrella of Mettā, or loving-kindness, and is widely practiced. We send positivity to friends, lovers, family, and even enemies. Ultimately, we extend that positivity to all living beings everywhere. Science has shown that this type of meditation can decrease pain and anger, increase empathy, lower reaction to inflammation and distress, and more. It’s some powerful medicine and the side effects are wonderful.
An important part of the POSITIVITY BOOST is smiling. This can be challenging for some people. I hear from students that it feels fake or makes them uncomfortable to smile while meditating. It doesn’t matter if it feels fake—do it anyway! But don’t just take it from me. You’ll notice on many paintings and statues of the Buddha that he has a small smile on his face. Smiling can lead to a decrease in the stress-induced hormones that negatively affect your physical and mental health.
It’s very common to be drawn to what is not positive when you first start this practice. A lot of us are in the habit of focusing on the negative. I used to do the opposite of this technique all the time. I’d even listen to music that would help me create a Negativity Boost! I had to work at it for a bit to create a new habit of seeing and nurturing positivity. When you find yourself being pulled into negative thoughts or painful emotions, simply return your attention to the positive material that you are creating. You don’t have to try to get rid of negative images and words, just redirect your attention to the positive.
Here we will focus on offering positivity to ourselves. Later on I’ll offer you some modifications to this technique that include offering positivity to others.
Meditation introduced me to my body. Like many people, I lived from the neck up, always caught in my thoughts. When I started meditating on body sensations, a whole new world opened up for me. I felt alive in a way I had never experienced. I became aware of subtle sensations I had never noticed, and started to feel more comfortable in my skin. I also began taking better care of my body, treating it as a friend. You are with your body for your whole life and it’s very important to get to know it. Your body can give you a lot of useful information if you give it your full attention.
Sometimes in my classes I’ll ask everyone to share what they are feeling in their bodies. I ask them to stick to sensations, and avoid any stories. It can be almost like learning a new language. The pull to share thoughts instead of sensations is strong, but it gets easier with practice. It’s amazing to discover feelings we were never aware of. We all have human bodies. Meditating on the body helps us to know ourselves and each other better.
It can feel weird and even painful to put attention on the body at first. Be patient with yourself as you practice being with your body. Over time you’ll become comfortable and very skilled with using your physical awareness.
The mind can get quite loud as you attempt to take the emphasis off of what you are thinking and put it on what you are feeling. Don’t try to quiet your mind if this happens. Instead just keep bringing your attention back to your body.
As you feel various sensations you may start to see images of your body. Do your best to stay with the feelings, rather than getting lost in the images. You want to feel your body with your body. The same way you can feel a textured surface like carpet or tree bark, feel the sensations in your body. Get really curious about all the elements of the sensations.
All of the techniques we have covered so far involve focusing on the body. BASIC BODY AWARENESS is an invitation to explore more of the sensations that might be arising. You can always come back to the sensations of breathing or relaxation.
If it’s helpful for you, use the label BODY to acknowledge any sensations that you are aware of.
This is a technique for meditating on emotional sensations in the body. It can help to get you out of the story in your mind and into the actual physical experience, allowing you to “sit with your feelings” with acceptance and curiosity.
If I were to ask you how you feel today, what would you say? Nine times out of ten, people respond with a story about what’s going on in their life. This is how most people relate to their emotions: as a list of thoughts. But emotions are actually sensations in the body, which is quite different.
If you are feeling sad, your throat might feel tight, or you might feel pressure in the chest. If you are crazy over the moon in love, you might feel an expansive warmth in the chest. If your boss took credit for an idea of yours, your skin might feel hot with anger. FOCUS ON EMOTIONS is a technique to help you get in touch with your emotional sensations, separate from thoughts.
Why would you want to do this? Let’s say you are going through a breakup, and the decision to end the relationship was not mutual. You are suffering. If you were practiced in meditating on emotions, you could begin to separate the sensations from the thoughts. By doing this the experience becomes less overwhelming: It is just some sensations, albeit uncomfortable ones, and some words and images in your mind. You realize that if you are observing your emotions, you are not your emotions. You are able to accept the experience and allow it to move through you. Suffering ceases, and while you may still be in pain, you are no longer in agony. You are better equipped to take care of yourself through the transition.
Grasping at pleasurable experiences and resisting painful experiences leads to suffering. Being mindful about emotions allows you to greet all experiences with equanimity. Generally, the good things get better and the bad are not so bad. FOCUS ON EMOTIONS works the same way as BASIC BODY AWARENESS, except you’ll only be paying attention to sensations that have an emotional flavor. For a lot of people, emotional sensations show up in the face, throat, chest, and stomach. You may notice them in other areas too. If you are unsure if a sensation is emotional, just take a guess. If you are not aware of any emotions in the body, just use BASIC BODY AWARENESS instead. Be open to the possibility that some emotion may arise, and attend to it if it does. You have the option of using the label EMOTION for this technique. The label can be particularly useful when working with challenging emotions.
This technique is what got me to start meditating daily. Like many people, I was convinced that I had to quiet my mind in order to meditate. I would get all bent out of shape about the nonstop chatter in my mind, and I would usually just give up. When I was introduced to meditating on the mind, all that changed. The mental talk and images became something to meditate on, and suddenly meditation was something I could do.
If we are attached to our thoughts, it leads to suffering. We think we are our thoughts, and we believe what we think. Thoughts that tell us we are not good enough, not attractive enough, or not rich enough rule our lives and dictate our moods. But it’s possible to be liberated, and this technique is a great path to that liberation. To practice FOCUS ON MIND you will put your attention on your thoughts. Not the content of your thoughts, but rather the activity of your thoughts. It doesn’t matter if the words or images seem really important or really mundane. During your meditation you’ll greet any and all thoughts with acceptance, just listening to them come and go. Get interested in the way the words and images bubble up and then vanish. Don’t try to create, hold on to, or push thoughts away; just observe and explore with as much acceptance and curiosity as you can. Eventually you’ll be able to listen to the mental talk as if it were someone else speaking and watch the images without becoming attached.
The first insight people usually have with this technique is that they realize how much is going on in the mind all the time. Not only is the mind constantly babbling, it’s usually blurting out pretty negative content. That can be a painful realization, but it’s a big step toward getting freedom from the tyranny of the mind. I was shocked by how noisy and nasty my mind was when I started to investigate. I have found that over time, through my meditation practice, my mind has settled down quite a bit. When negative thoughts do arise, I’m able to notice them in the moment and choose not to believe them.
You have the option of using the labels TALK (for mental talk) and IMAGE (for mental image). For many people, using the label TALK is not helpful because a label is mental talk, but try it out and find out how it works for you.
This technique changed my life. It’s my go-to meditation and one of my favorites to teach. FOCUS ON SELF is an insight technique that combines FOCUS ON MIND and FOCUS ON EMOTIONS. This meditation allows you to observe how thoughts and emotions influence each other, and ultimately create a sense of self. This sense of self can be deconstructed through meditation, showing you that you are not as solid as you might think.
All experiences, pleasurable or not, occur to us through both thought and emotion. Take this moment, for example. Take in this idea of all of your experiences, your very sense of self, being made of nothing more than thought and emotion. What is your reaction to this concept? Does it excite you or scare you? Now, notice what your reaction is made of. It’s made of words and images in your mind and emotional sensations in your body.
This is actually really good news. When you start to realize that you are more than your thoughts and emotions, you begin to have a choice in how you want to move in the world.
To practice FOCUS ON SELF, simply combine FOCUS ON MIND and FOCUS ON EMOTION. Allow your attention to free float between all three (self, mind, and emotion). You can use the labels EMOTION, TALK, and IMAGE if that is helpful for you. When you are focused on one of these three, know that you are focused on it. When you find experience tangled up and yourself taking it all personally, come back to witnessing with curious acceptance. Don’t forget to reconstruct yourself using the POSITIVITY BOOST at the end of your meditation.
In essence, this whole book is about meditation in action. You will be learning to bring your meditation practice into sex, but you can also bring it into all other aspects of life. Here are a few examples of ways you can practice.
Walking meditation is a big part of Zen practice. Find a safe area to walk, either in your home or outside. Choose to either walk back and forth in a limited area or have an extended walk. Start by bringing your attention to the sensation of your feet on the ground. Feel one foot lift as another touches down. You may wish to stay with that or expand your attention to other sensations associated with walking. As you become more practiced, you can practice any of the techniques discussed earlier in this chapter while walking.
Put your headphones aside and try bringing your meditation practice with you to the gym. Focus on the muscles that are working hard. Feel the movement of your body. Some people find it helpful to focus on good feelings in the body during a workout using the PLEASURE BOOST.
Dirty dishes can become a fantastic meditation. Put your attention on your hands. Feel the warmth of the soapy water, the weight of the dishes, and the cool rush of water as you rinse.
Free writing is another kind of meditation. We are making the unconscious conscious when we write in this way. Get a new journal or notebook to use while you read this book. There will be many times when I suggest you do some stream of consciousness writing after an exercise. When you are writing in this way, don’t worry about how it sounds or if you are spelling a word correctly. Instead, just let it spill out onto the page. Let the words surprise you. Don’t censor yourself.
You now have an arsenal of tools and techniques for making meditation a daily habit. If you practice even just one of the included techniques daily for the next few months, you will notice the benefits.
Remember, things will come up when you sit in meditation. It’s helpful to have a teacher and a community to support you. If you have a partner, meditate with them and talk about your experience afterward. There are even online communities that can help you along the way. For some, seeking out the support of a therapist can be the right way to go. These days there are many therapists who incorporate mindfulness into their sessions.
Every time you sit down to meditate will be different. Sometimes you’ll be bored, sore, and tangled up with thought. The time will move like molasses. Other times you’ll be overcome with a blissful experience. Ten minutes will feel like one minute. Don’t get attached to the “good” meditations. It’s all a good meditation, even when it seems like nothing much is happening. Sometimes you’ll end up getting more out of a humdrum sit than you will out of a sensational one. Don’t judge your practice; just do it.
These techniques are meant to wake you up to yourself and the present moment. They also lead to many insights of an emotional, intellectual, sexual, and spiritual nature. Yes, meditation is great at lowering stress and anxiety, helping you sleep, giving you more concentration at work or school, and improving sex. But what it was originally intended for is waking up. Waking up to suffering and the end of suffering. Waking up to the beauty, mystery, and awe in every pebble and every drop of dew. Waking up to what you really are. So, as you practice, you will find yourself becoming more awake. For some, awakening is a smooth ride, and for others it is fraught with many bumps and roadblocks. Sometimes things fall apart before they come together—that may be the case for you. It was for me.