I can’t tell you how many times I have heard people say things like this about their partners: I really love my partner. We have so much in common. They are so kind and supportive. They remembered when I mentioned how much I liked that coat and gave it to me for my birthday. Their family doesn’t drive me crazy! We could win an award for Best Spooning of All Time. They listen to me, really listen to me. They are an extraordinary pool player. They are the best co-parent I could have ever hoped for . . . but our sex life sucks.
My first question is: Do you talk about it? People often say yes, but when I dig a little deeper, it’s clear that communication is not really happening. Brushing it off with a joke doesn’t count. Only bringing it up when you’re drunk doesn’t count either. Neither does talking your friend or therapist’s ear off about it. The conversation needs to happen in an honest and present way with your partner. This means sitting down next to each other and honestly discussing your sexual needs and desires.
From what I’ve seen in my work, many people are not having honest communication about sex with their partners because they can’t do it with themselves. That can make it rather hard to open up and express deep sexual desires, fantasies, and preferences. Learning to listen to your body and communicate your needs takes practice and patience, but it’s a worthy endeavor and an important part of good sex.
We all have an inner voice or intuition that very clearly states what is true for us. You know what I’m talking about. It’s that part of you that tells you not to go on a second date with someone, or when it’s time to leave a job. This voice will also tell you what really turns you on, which sexual position you love, and which you don’t. That voice will reveal your most secret fantasies and deepest longings. You just need to listen and then be willing to speak your truth.
Not all of your inner voice will come in the form of thought. Sometimes your voice will be somatic, expressed through your body in the form of emotional sensations. That’s where FOCUS ON EMOTIONS can be particularly insightful. Getting to know your emotional body is key in learning to communicate with yourself. Tracking and observing emotional sensations in your daily meditation practice will make it easier to be aware of your emotional landscape at all times, including during sex. Your body will give you incredibly clear messages. Your job is to listen to what it’s saying and then communicate what you feel.
When I started to truly be in communication with my emotional body, it was like having a whole new sense. I could feel my feelings, not just think about them. After years stuck in my mind, it was so liberating to have more space to experience myself. It was also irritating sometimes. My mind would be telling me to do one thing and my body would be pulling the brakes! It took some time for me to trust this new relationship with my body. There were lots of times I went with what my brain wanted to do and ended up regretting it. I found myself in jobs and friendships that my body couldn’t stand, but my mind thought was okay. After enough suffering, I became willing to let my body lead the way. I continued to use FOCUS ON EMOTIONS to deconstruct my emotions and to find more equanimity with the challenging bits. Now, I trust my body implicitly. I need look no further than the sensations I feel to make a decision these days. This kind of self-communication is part of what made mindful sex a reality for me.
The best place to start communicating with your body is in your daily meditation practice. By using FOCUS ON EMOTIONS regularly, you’ll begin to get to know your emotional self. You will start to know where and how you experience sadness, joy, embarrassment, lust, and all the rest of your rainbow of emotions. You will realize that you can experience conflicting emotions at the same time. We are amazing and complex creatures, but when we are fixated on one emotion, we forget that. It is revolutionary to develop the ability to notice and allow irritation to exist but focus on joy instead. While mindfulness is never about getting rid of your emotions, it does give you the power to choose what you want to pay attention to.
You’ll need to learn to tell the emotional sensations apart from the non-emotional ones. In general, emotional sensations can often be detected in the face, throat, chest, and stomach, though you may experience them elsewhere. An itch, a headache, or back pain wouldn’t necessarily be considered emotional, but they could create an emotional reaction in the body. You are the ultimate judge on what is deemed an emotional sensation, and it’s okay to guess! Is it nervousness in your stomach or just indigestion? You get to decide. The more you work with this technique the easier it will be to tell emotional from non-emotional. There can also be overlap between the two.
As you become more trained at observing and exploring emotional sensations it will be easier to understand what your body is communicating. It’s no different from learning a new language. It just takes practice. You will find that you can identify these emotions as you are walking about, on your way to work, or in the grocery store. You’ll start being able to practice meditation in action.
I used to get so mad if someone cut in front of me in a line. I felt as if the line-cutter had set out to personally offend and disrespect me. I would get so angry and bent out of shape that it would affect my day for hours to come.
Then, one day, after I had a little meditation in action under my belt, it happened. Someone cut in front of me at a smoothie shop. But this time something was different. I could feel the anger rising in my body, in the form of a tightening in my chest and a heat on my skin. I could hear the thoughts about how rude that person was. These were separate strands of experience. I was able to observe them separately so that they didn’t become tangled and put me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I stayed with this mental and emotional phenomena, exploring it and getting curious. Before I knew it, the emotional sensations and thoughts had vanished. I wasn’t angry anymore. I even smiled at the person who had cut in line as he walked out with his bright pink smoothie.
We all have our pet peeves. If you practice noticing emotional sensations during one of these episodes, the first thing you’ll be aware of is fear. Maybe a cold, tight feeling in your chest and a racing heartbeat. You will be able to process that as it occurs, noticing the sensations with acceptance. If you’re a black belt in mindfulness, you may not even get to the anger part. The anger is most likely trying to hide the fear. But we can’t be ninjas all the time, so maybe you get angry. Anger is also made up of sensations in your body. If you don’t get caught in the story of the anger, you can feel the sensations grow and then fall away. The fear and anger don’t stay in your body because you have fully allowed the emotions to move through.
Communicating with your body can improve your life. There is a huge amount of freedom that comes from getting to know your emotional body. No longer needing to resist the unpleasant feelings or grasp at the pleasant ones, you’ll be free to delight in the beautiful flow of sensations. I have found that even the challenging parts of experience have taken on a kind of beauty these days. That doesn’t mean I’m never sad or angry, but I have a new clarity and relationship with the emotional process.
This new clarity will of course come into play in your sex life. It will mean knowing what you want less of and what you want a whole lot more of. Your body will give you all the info you need, from which condoms it likes best to which positions cause discomfort. If you are willing to listen, your body will show you pleasures you never thought possible. But you’ll need to take that communication to the next step for the full benefits. You’ll need to speak the truths your body is telling you out loud to your partner.
I understand the anxiety about asking for what you want. It was so hard for me to express my sexual wants and needs in the past that I could only do it when I was drunk. When I gave up drinking I had to start voicing my desires while stone cold sober. At first it felt terrible and I could barely get the words out. I was worried of being judged or rejected, or just sounding silly. It was hard for me to be open about anything, let alone sex. The intimacy of sharing openly and allowing another person to see me was a foreign concept. It made me feel weak and dangerously vulnerable. Growing up in a dysfunctional home had taught me to hold my emotions in and only count on myself. It took time and practice to trust that it was safe to show my inner self to someone else.
FOCUS ON SELF is a great tool when learning to talk about sex. This technique allows you to notice any shyness, fear, or discomfort in the body and mind, without judging your experience. Offering yourself this space and acceptance will gently encourage you to share with your partner what turns you on and what doesn’t. Here is a special exercise to help you become more comfortable talking about sex:
This exercise gives you a chance to explore some of what might come up for you as you begin to communicate about sex. It also helps you to imagine a positive outcome. This isn’t about getting attached to a particular expectation. It’s more about priming you to be in a positive frame of mind. Focusing on the positive will feel good and influence the way you communicate for the better. If you have big emotional and mental reactions to this exercise, you may want to use it to practice until you are ready to talk with your partner.
Stream of consciousness writing is also a great way to become more comfortable communicating about sex. Try writing down all your desires and fantasies. Don’t censor yourself at all. Be willing to write down whatever comes to mind even if it’s something you wouldn’t actually want to do. It’s okay to have fantasies that you don’t actually want to live out. Get it all out; then repeat the practice again a few days later. Allow this to be a fun and creative experiment. You can burn or shred the pages when you are done, or you may decide to turn some of this writing into a sexy letter for your partner.
Letting your thoughts come out on the page will give you some relief from the nasty tyrant in your mind. The story that says it’s not appropriate to talk about sex. The fearful mental loops about being rejected or misunderstood. The voice that says you’ll get it wrong, that you are not good enough. We can become so congested with fearful and self-centered thinking that it becomes impossible to communicate. Observing thoughts in meditation and letting them empty out on the page will help you to detach from them. Once you have a clearer perspective there is more room to explore your sexuality with curiosity and ease. Then, sharing that part of you with someone else becomes more possible.
A good next step is to talk about sex when you are not having sex. That can take some of the pressure off of you and your partner. It will be best if you start the talk when you can both be relaxed and present. Choose a time when neither of you has time constraints. Don’t replay the conversation over and over in your mind, trying to find the perfect way of stating your feelings. If you find you are doing this, practice some stream of consciousness writing. Get it all out on the page and then let go of being perfect. If you are still feeling nervous or stuck in the mind, take a moment to relax from your head to your toes before initiating the discussion.
Sit comfortably next to your partner, rather than across from them. Start slow and stay in touch with how your body feels as you talk. Notice if that tyrant in the brain starts spewing nonsense. Don’t try to turn off the thoughts, just set them aside and come back to connecting with your partner. It’s okay to tell your partner that it’s difficult for you. Consider speaking some of the sensations you are feeling out loud. Just saying, Wow. My stomach just got really tight, can help ease the discomfort and increase the intimacy. Sharing how you feel when you talk about sex is talking about sex! It’s also okay to laugh and allow for fun. Don’t take yourself too seriously.
If you are on the receiving end and your partner shares a desire with you, never judge or criticize them. If what they are asking for is out of your comfort zone, be gentle and offer another option.
To be able to hold space for your partner, you’ll need to be able to hold space for yourself. It can be hard to hear that your partner wants to make a change in your sex life. It can feel like you’ve done something wrong. In fact, it’s the opposite. You’ve done something very right if you are in a relationship that allows for this level of communication. There can be some fear, even if you are all for trying what your partner has proposed. That’s okay and perfectly normal. Change, even for the better, can be uncomfortable. Notice the thoughts and emotions that come up for you, and pause before responding. That mindful pause can be the difference between a warm loving exchange and very hurt feelings.
Becoming more comfortable asking for what you want during sex doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you want. You might think your girlfriend would look super hot in a naughty schoolgirl outfit, but she may think, No way in hell. Some fantasies may need to be put aside. The great thing is that there are endless possibilities. Let your sexuality be creative and flexible. You and your partner have the wonderful task of collaborating to create the best sex for both of you. It’s a work of living art that you can continue to develop over time. Collaboration is something that has taken me a while to become comfortable with. I was very much a gal who took care of herself and didn’t expect help. In fact, if someone wanted to help with or add to something I was doing I became protective and defensive. It was just one of the many ways that I was checked out and shut down. As I peeled back the layers of defensiveness using my meditation practice, collaboration became more possible. One of the first places I saw the change was in my sex life. I could open myself up to my partner during sex in ways that I might not be able to on something like a creative project, for example. Mindful collaboration with sex has since given way to an ability to collaborate in all kinds of ways.
Part of sexual communication and collaboration is expressing what you don’t want. If a certain position doesn’t feel good for you, let your partner know. It’s important to be kind and open when letting someone know that what they are doing isn’t working for you. Framing your needs in a collaborative way will keep you and your partner on the same team working toward mutual pleasure. Stay in touch with your emotions while having sex, and let your body tell you what it wants. It’s okay to stop in the middle of a sex act if it isn’t feeling good to you. Don’t ever feel that you have to “finish what you started.” Mindful sex means taking care of yourself and never ignoring what is true for you. Consent is fluid and a yes, keep going can sometimes turn into a no, please stop.
There is nothing like blaming, criticism, and dishonesty to remove any chance of good sex. If you are harboring resentment or anger toward your partner, it will come out even if you think you’ve got the lid on it. It will be in the tone of your voice when you say, Oh, is it my turn to load the dishwasher? It will be in your body language when you are silently driving to a dinner party together. It will be in the roll of your eyes when they tell that same old joke to a group of friends. If you are not speaking with kindness and truth, communication becomes a messy and painful affair.
Before my meditation practice, I had many romantic relationships in which I was not practicing Right Speech—not communicating with compassion. While I didn’t intend to outright lie, I would often bend the truth or leave out key details. I did lots of little things, like using a dismissive or condescending tone, or ever so slightly poking my partner in an emotional tender spot. Rather than encourage and inspire my partners, I belittled and competed with them. Looking back, it’s very clear to me why I behaved this way. I was dishonest and unkind to myself, which made it impossible to treat my partners with love, honesty, and respect. I was also afraid of the intimacy that comes with kindness and trust. I felt that I needed to protect myself from getting screwed over or rejected. My wiring, when it came to communication, was faulty.
If you grew up in a home where good communication skills were not being practiced, like I did, you may be familiar with this faulty wiring. The bar was set very low for me when it came to mindful, loving communication. The fact that I wasn’t telling big lies or screaming at my partners made me think I was succeeding at having a functional relationship. In reality, I was missing out on the kind of relationship we all deserve. A relationship built on kindness and honesty is the only kind of relationship in which good sex can happen. This is the case even with a friend with benefits, or a one-night stand. Healthy communication is required for a fulfilling sexual interaction of any kind.
Right Speech starts with how we talk to ourselves. Until I learned to speak kindly and truthfully to myself, I couldn’t do it with anyone else. One of the early insights that many of my students express is discovering how nasty they are to themselves in their minds. It’s as if the voices in our minds are hell-bent on convincing us we are not attractive enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, not good enough. I have never come across someone who hasn’t at some point been able to relate to this experience. Our minds can be real bullies. So how do we become aware of our negative self-talk, and learn to talk to ourselves in a more caring way? This is where FOCUS ON MIND comes in.
If you want to create a new relationship with your thoughts and the way they manifest in your communication with your romantic partners, start by getting to know your mind. Choose an amount of time (I’d suggest ninety days) to practice FOCUS ON MIND. Every day spend at least ten minutes working with this technique. FOCUS ON MIND gives you the option of paying attention to both visual and auditory thinking. For this period of time, try just observing the mental talk. You’ll find that the words and images often arise together, but do your best to separate them and limit your attention to only the words. At first it may feel challenging. It can be a bit of a brain twister. Stick with it and soon you’ll be able to listen to your auditory thinking as if it were someone else speaking. This is a huge insight into the nature of the mind. It points right to something all spiritual teachers will agree with. You are not your mind.
That insight makes it easy to stop believing, overvaluing, and acting on everything you think. You then have the freedom to choose what thoughts to give merit and what thoughts to set aside. Notice, this isn’t about “quieting” the mind. Instead, you are empowering yourself to get the most out of what your mind has to offer. Your mind is a tool—a very powerful tool. When you start to learn to use your mind instead of being used by your mind, wonderful things can happen. One of these wonderful things is that you no longer get attached to the mean stuff your mind has to say. This detachment from negative thinking allows you to put Right Speech into action.
Right Speech will facilitate good interactions in all of our relationships. When we set the intention to speak with truth and kindness at work, with our partners, with our children, with our extended family, and even with strangers, we are creating opportunities for a deeper and more fulfilling connection. Right Speech also absolutely lends itself to better sex. I don’t know about you, but if someone speaks unkindly to me or lies to me, my sexual attraction to them takes a nosedive. On the other hand, I find kindness and honesty to be a big turn-on.
Learning to share your desires with a partner is much easier if you are both practicing Right Speech. When you are naked and in the midst of having sex, you can feel pretty vulnerable. An unmindful word can be devastating. As you ask for what you want and express what you don’t, let kindness be your foundation.
There are kind, mindful ways of communicating even your most hurt feelings. I like the saying, If it’s important, it’s not urgent. I’ve found it to be true, except in a few specific situations. If you are in an abusive relationship, it is important and urgent to get out. Other than that, there is always time to slow down and sit with what you are feeling. That can make it much easier to communicate your feelings in a caring, productive way.
If you have any resentments regarding your sex life, take the time to clean your emotional house. During sex is not the time to air your grievances, even if they are carefully hidden inside of other words. That sort of subtext can be felt and will not open the door for fun and constructive dialog. I suggest uncovering your resentments and understanding what your part is in the situation. If you’re feeling upset with your partner for not having energy for sex at the end of the day, first look at yourself. Take a look at areas you could stand to improve. Do you greet your partner with a loving attitude at the end of the day, taking time to connect in nonsexual ways? Do you offer other options to sex like a bubble bath together or trading massages? Do you come to bed in the evening already tense, expecting rejection, or from a place of openness and love?
Whatever the issue you have with your partner, there are most likely ways that you are falling short too. An effective way to find your part is to get your resentments down on paper. Write it all out, even if it feels petty or not enlightened enough. Once you’ve poured it all out on paper, take some time to consider and write down in what ways you’ve contributed to the problem. Sometimes it can be quite obvious, and sometimes it takes a bit of soul-searching. It can be helpful to talk it out with a therapist, coach, or good friend who will take an unbiased view. When you know your part, you can get to work on being the change! When you are free from resentment or blaming, talking about sex will be much easier.
Talking is not the only way to communicate during sex. Our eyes can express more than our words in many instances. If you are like a lot of people, this idea is completely foreign, if not horrifying. I found this out when I started teaching and writing about mindful sex. I’ve had many people tell me that they have never looked into their partner’s eyes while having sex. A lot of folks talk about the awkward eye contact that sometimes happens by mistake, and how they quickly look away and squeeze their eyes shut. That doesn’t make for open, connected, and mindful sex.
Some people feel they will “lose their concentration” if they open their eyes, as if sex is a math test. You’ll find that you become much more deeply concentrated when you pay more attention to the other person. In fact, you may find yourself in a very special kind of concentrated state. This type of concentration feels amazing and incredibly easy once you access it. The same way an athlete can drop into “the flow” during a competition, you can get in “the flow” while making love. Many people spend their entire spiritual career focused only on this meditative state of profound stillness and concentration. When you are “in flow” your mind becomes fully immersed and absorbed in your object of focus. In the case of open-eyed sex, the object of attention would be your partner’s eyes and body.
For some, it seems too lovey-dovey to make eye contact. They feel it’s something reserved for “making love” and they want to fuck. Actually, eye contact during fucking is incredibly hot and adds to the raw intensity. But don’t take my word for it. Try it for yourself. I dare you.
Other people say they enjoy eye contact during sex but can’t keep it when they are going into orgasm. They say, again, that they need to concentrate. As you bring more mindfulness into your sex you’ll find that this tight, buckled-down kind of concentration is not required to get off. It’s just a habit and it can be changed. The reward for taking the time to let go of this old model of orgasmic concentration is connecting with your partner while you climax. Your wild eyes and open mouth will blow their mind.
The main reason I see for the absence of eye contact during sex and orgasm is that it is scary to be seen. Often, the other reasons are just masking this fear. I get it. It is scary to let others see you.
When I was fourteen, I went to a Quaker Youth camp. It was a week of self-empowerment, community building, and creative exploration. One day, I went to an acting workshop thinking it would be fun and help me with my budding acting career. The first exercise was to walk across the room twice in front of the group. The first time you were to walk as you presented yourself to the world. The second time you were supposed to walk the way you really felt. My first walk was with a puffed up chest, and an armor of confidence and cool. As I began the second walk my body became hunched and my face became heavy with sadness. Suddenly, I collapsed on the floor, sobbing. I had let this group of people see how I really felt, and it hurt. It made me aware of how I really felt deep inside. This experience didn’t wake me up at the time, but it stuck with me. Over the years, as I healed from my childhood trauma and learned to love myself, I began to want to be seen by others. Today, I seek that kind of intimacy in all my interactions with the people in my life.
Being literally seen during sex can feel confronting and bring up uncomfortable emotions. Don’t let this keep you from exploring open-eyed sex. Learning to soothe and comfort yourself will help you to tolerate these feelings. One way you can do this is to open your eyes for ten seconds or so, feel the fear or insecurity arise, and then close your eyes and just focus on the good feelings of sex. You can keep adding a little more time to the open eyed periods, resting in the sensations when you become overwhelmed. You may wish to think a few self-loving thoughts, too. If you feel comfortable doing so, I’d suggest telling your partner what you are working with so they can support, inspire, and encourage you. That’s where your verbal communication skills come back in.
FOCUS ON SELF can be a big help when learning to have open-eyed sex. You can deconstruct the discomfort into thoughts and body emotions to make it less powerful. Using this practice daily will help you to access it easily during sex. As you bring mindful attention to the uneasy thoughts and feelings that come when you open your eyes, you’ll find you are less attached to them and more focused on being in the moment with your partner.
Being able to make eye-contact during sex increases intimacy and pleasure. It also gives you the chance to have some incredible communication. By actually seeing your partner’s face, you’ll know if you’re moving your hips just right, or if you are thrusting just a little too hard. Often words won’t be necessary to let you know if you should speed up or slow down. A twinkle in your partner’s eyes will inform you to pull out some favorite toys. While it’s important to learn to ask for what you want by speaking, it sure is nice to be this connected with someone. It can feel like you’re reading each other’s minds.
Another obvious feature of open-eyed sex is that you can see what is happening. Your body and your partner’s body moving and merging. The curves, muscles, and drips of sweat. Open-eyed sex is one way that guys can get incredibly turned on. This can be true for women as well, but studies have shown that men are more sexually aroused by visual stimuli.1 Guys, try out a little visual meditation on your partner’s body. You will probably find it quite easy to concentrate.
I’m not suggesting that you always keep your eyes open during sex or for every orgasm. Sometimes it’s really nice to close your eyes and just enjoy the sensations. Nor do you need to lock eyes and never blink or look away like intimacy robots. But it’s valuable to have the option to open your eyes, see your partner, and let your partner see you. Flexibility and fluidity are important tenets of good sex. Even if you choose to have your eyes closed for most of your sex session, give yourself the choice. Having variety available is sexy.
If you’re not quite ready to have open-eyed sex, try eye-to-eye meditation with your partner first. This is a beautiful way to build intimacy and to get more accustomed to extended eye contact. Just like with mindful hugging, this doesn’t have to be done with someone you are sexual with. So if you don’t have a partner, ask a close friend to do it with you.
The first time my partner and I tried this technique, we set the timer for thirty minutes and hunkered down for some extended eye contact. We were both already very comfortable looking into each other’s eyes and we fell into a deep meditation right away. As I focused on his eyes, I began to feel waves of pleasure through my body. Anytime a thought arose, his eyes easily brought me back. I found that I was becoming totally absorbed, my concentration strong and unwavering. Being concentrated in this way is one of the most pleasurable experiences I have had. Usually it only happens on retreat or when I’m meditating for several hours a day, but just looking into my partner’s eyes gave me access to this wonderful stillness and focus. I no longer could tell my body from his. Our inherent oneness was revealing itself. At some point we both realized that our meditation had been going on for a long time. I looked down at my phone and discovered that the timer had never gone off. We had been gazing into each other’s eyes for almost an hour and a half.
Aftercare is very important with this technique. Looking into someone’s eyes for even ten minutes is outrageously intimate. All kinds of emotions can surface. I suggest taking a few minutes to cuddle and then talk about the experience. You may both want to do some stream of consciousness writing as well. You may also feel like you have excess energy running through your body. Use it to work on a creative project, or have some wild sex!
Learning to communicate with your partner is necessary for a rich, exciting, and hot sex life. It’s also another path to spiritual awakening. The awakening to your own truth through listening to what your body has to tell you. The awakening of trust and connection with your partner. The awakening of love and compassion as you get to know you partner more deeply. As you connect more and more during sex, you begin to sink into a whole new level of awakened communication.
There is a kind of communication that can occur during sex, which requires no words. Every slight movement, every breath, and every look speaks on a level deeper than language. This type of connection is something we all long for, even if we don’t yet know it. The first time you experience this kind of communication, a spark lights up in the depths of your being. A remembering. This profound communion with your partner points to an insight that you’ve always had. There is no separation, no duality. As you move and breathe with your partner you are shown that you are connected with everyone and everything, without exception.