Let’s look at how much money America alone spends on porn each year. According to figures calculated by California’s state legislature, the U.S. porn industry rakes in approximately $11 billion annually. That’s a lot of porn, and it doesn’t count the millions of people watching “free” porn on sites like XTube or PornHub. So we can agree that many people watch porn, including “spiritual” people. I think it’s high time we start bringing our spiritual practice to our use of porn. I think this type of content has the ability to aid in our sexual awakening and deepen our connection with our partners. So let’s talk about porn.
While I don’t identify as a Buddhist, I do attend Buddhist meditation retreats at least once a year. At these meditation retreats everyone is asked to follow the Buddhist precepts, a list of the values and ethics of Buddhism. The precepts are already a part of my personal philosophy, so it’s never a big deal for me to agree to them while on retreat. As a sex-positive and nontraditional person the third precept is an important one for me. This precept asks that we avoid sexual misconduct. That can mean different things for different people. For me it translates as Do No Harm. No harm to others and no harm to myself. You can follow the third precept and be non-monogamous. You can follow the third precept and like to tie your partner up and strike their bare bottom with a flogger. You can follow the third precept and watch porn or even make it. What’s important is how you do these things. Is there full consent and protection for all involved? Are you clear on your intentions and motives? Are you mindful and kind? Bringing the third precept or a similar philosophy into your sexual life can be a gift to yourself and your partners.
This philosophy of Do No Harm continues to evolve and deepen for me. As I mature and awaken on new levels so does my understanding of what constitutes sexual misconduct. One area in which I experienced a big shift was with pornography. I don’t watch porn that often, but now and then I enjoy it and I think it’s a great tool for exploring sexuality. However, in the past I would watch anything that turned me on. I didn’t think much about the performers involved, or how they were being treated in the industry. I wasn’t conscious of the suffering that was being perpetuated by some of the content I was viewing. It was much like when I ate meat without any thought for the animals that suffered or for the terrible environmental impact caused by the meat industry. Once I fully embraced the truth about eating animals, my diet changed drastically. When my body needs animal protein I spend the money to buy meat that comes from ethical sources. The same kind of thing happened with my feelings about porn. And once you have a moment of clarity about something like this, it changes you. For me, that moment of clarity came from watching Rashida Jones’ documentary Hot Girls Wanted.1 While this film has been criticized by the porn industry, including people in it who felt exploited and mistreated by the production company, it had a big effect on me. After seeing it, I could no longer watch porn that wasn’t ethical.
I am now much more mindful about my relationship with porn. I encourage anyone who fancies naughty videos to take the time to do the same. Do you watch ethical porn? Do you feel shame about enjoying porn? Can you talk to your partner about porn, or even enjoy it with them? These are all questions to ask yourself.
I like porn. I believe that someone who is spiritual can also enjoy porn. Of course all porn is not created equal. It’s important to know where your porn comes from and how it is made. Life is not black and white; it’s all gray area. It’s our job as people who hope to evolve to see these shades of gray. Just because you meditate doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a rough BDSM (Bondage and Discipline/Domination and Submission/Sadism and Masochism) scene or a book of erotic photography. Because you meditate, you’ll be able to enjoy porn more, and with less attachment. If porn is triggering for you, I still invite you to read this section. Stay in touch with your thoughts and emotional sensations as you read. No one says you have to watch this kind of content, but having an aversion to it can create unnecessary suffering for yourself.
When I was a kid I was a bit of a snoop and figured I’d find something good if I looked on the top shelf of an older family member’s closet. I found dust, some loose change, and a healthy stack of dirty magazines. It was like finding a new planet or species. Women like I had never seen, with tiny waists and massive breasts, spread themselves over the thick pages. They had strangely groomed pubic hair that looked very different from my mom’s. They had juicy red lips and long pointy finger nails, like some kind of mythical creatures. Some of them were touching their vaginas, spreading the lips open. They all looked back at me from the glossy paper with coy smiles and pleasure-filled eyes. I had to show my siblings what I had found! We spent a few weeks sneaking into the room and laying the magazines out on the floor. Silently we feasted our eyes on the skin, lace, round bottoms, and arched backs. (I was particularly fond of the jokes too. I had a mature sense of humor for a nine-year-old.) Eventually our secret got out and the magazines disappeared from my life as quickly as they had entered.
What I remember most about that experience is the joy and discovery I felt. These women were like nothing I had ever seen. They made my body feel something it had never felt. It was beyond exciting to see into this new world. I still think of porn that way. It’s a peek into another human’s sexual expression. A glimpse past the conventions of our puritan culture that is afraid of sex and nudity. A feeling of connection with the people who are sharing their bodies, pleasure, and personality. Pornography at its best can educate, inspire, and heal us.
I can already hear the angry thoughts some of you are having as you read this. Don’t you fear, I most likely agree with everything you are thinking. Porn at its worst can exploit, misinform, and cause actual harm and suffering to humans. This is true, but it is not the only truth. Just like there is healthy food and unhealthy food there is healthy porn and unhealthy porn. Sadly, I would guess that a great percentage of the content that people are viewing is of the unhealthy variety. By unhealthy, I don’t mean the content of the porn per se. Some of the most intense BDSM porn I’ve viewed has also been some of the most ethical. As long as you are watching consenting adults in ethical porn, I say enjoy whatever kind of content you want. The good news is that it doesn’t take much work to find ethical porn.
What is ethical porn you ask? Ethical porn is content (including films, photography, webcams, etc.) in which the performers are fully consenting to the material. Ethical porn pays their performers well and protects their health and safety above all. Ethical porn can be performer-owned and operated, based on an individual’s own sexual creativity. Ethical porn can be any kind of porn as long as all parties are treated with kindness, care, and the utmost respect. Ethical porn usually isn’t free. Ethical porn is the only kind of porn we should be watching.
It is so easy to access sexual content online today. Pre-internet, the best you could get was a scrambled cable channel with the odd breast or penis visible. Even when the world wide web came along, it was dial-up and it took forever to load just a few minutes of video. Now porn is available at your fingertips anytime you want, fancy, fast and free. This is where we must consider, Is this content ethical? Does is fall within my understanding of Do No Harm? It’s easy to brush aside your conscience with a justification, but you must be willing to look at the bigger picture. Even if you are paying for your porn, it’s your job to make sure it comes from a reputable source. Living a mindful and awakened life means being mindful and awake even when it’s more convenient not to be. To make sure your porn is ethical, the number one thing to do is pay for it. Another way to be mindful of your content is to look for before-and-after videos of the performers stating their consent, and often pleasure and joy. You can also find performers on social media and take note of what scenes they are tweeting about. If a performer is posting about a film or production company, it’s highly likely that they had a good experience. If you want to offer some extra support you can often find performer wishlists or the option to tip.
Here’s how Tristan Taormino, feminist, author, educator, and activist, explains ethical porn:
Ethical porn shares many values with feminist pornography, and there is a great deal of overlap. Makers of ethical porn are committed to a fair and ethical production process, which can include: fair wages to performers (performers set their rates and producers don’t bargain) and fair hours; compliance with all laws regarding age verification and worker safety and protection; an environment that supports and values sex workers for the work they do; providing performers with all the tools they need, including their choice of safer sex materials, lube, sex toys as well as food and beverages; and encouraging authentic experiences of desire, pleasure, and orgasm. Respect is essential on an ethical porn set and consent is explicit and ongoing, so performers have the agency to make decisions about everything they do; their physical, sexual, and psychological well being is prioritized. If you care where your food or clothing comes from and the conditions under which it is made, then you should care where your porn comes from. Ethical and feminist porn are like organic, fair-trade products.
The great thing about doing your research and choosing to only watch ethical porn is that afterward you can just sit back and enjoy. For me, knowing that my porn isn’t causing suffering allows me to get way more pleasure from viewing it. You can let go of any guilt or judgment and go along for the ride. If you feel drawn to exploring porn as a part of your sexuality, let go of the idea that a “spiritual person” wouldn’t do that. You get to decide what is right for you. In the back of the book I’ve listed resources for ethically-made porn. Enjoy!
I’m passionate about discussing sex so openly because, as Brené Brown says in her famous TED Talk, “Vulnerability is the antidote to shame.”2 I’ve come to learn that the more transparent and vulnerable I am, the less shame I experience. I think that sexual shame is one of the top Good Sex killers, and sadly so many of us are plagued by it. People’s relationship with porn is an area where a ton of this shame can reside. Moving through it requires opening up and getting honest with ourselves and others. But shame can be disorienting and cause us to freeze up, cutting off honest self inquiry. So let’s deconstruct the shame associated with viewing porn!
Writing is an incredibly powerful tool for dismantling and healing shame. Whenever I become aware of some unresolved shame, I put pen to paper and hash it out. Here are a few questions for you to explore in some stream of consciousness writing:
Once you’ve explored all or some of these questions in writing, take some time to practice FOCUS ON SELF. Notice what thoughts and emotions come up and offer them acceptance. If you are feeling overwhelmed, switch to REST AND RELAX for a bit until this emotion passes.
The next step is to talk honestly about your thoughts and feelings regarding porn. Choose someone you trust who will listen and not pass judgment. If you have a partner perhaps you will have this talk with them; or maybe a close friend or therapist would be best. The point here isn’t to figure anything out, but instead to just begin a conversation. One of the best ways to eradicate shame is to talk openly.
You may find that a lot of your shame around porn was actually inherited from your parents, your religion, or your culture in general. If you were raised to think sex is wrong, dirty, or reserved only for married people, it’s easy to see why you might feel bad about yourself for watching sexual content. In some cases, while sex isn’t vilified, it simply isn’t discussed. As you grow up and start to experiment, the influence of your culture will color your beliefs about sex, and thus about porn too.
In general, there is a negative attitude toward porn. One main complaint I hear is how porn affects teenagers’ sexuality and their sexual interactions. I don’t argue that this isn’t an issue, but blaming all porn doesn’t actually get to the heart of the matter. I believe that if these young people were educated about sex and porn in a positive and non-shameful way, the result would be very different.
Not that long ago an old friend of mine contacted me about her daughter. She was eleven years old and had been getting in trouble at school for talking about sex. Then my friend discovered a bunch of hardcore porn sites in her daughter’s browser history. She was understandably concerned as her daughter was so young and the content was so intense.
My first suggestion was to sit down with her daughter and discuss the sexual values that she wanted to pass along. I advised that she lay out the whole enchilada: sexual pleasure, the pros and cons of having sex as a teen, STIs, and pregnancy. I also suggested that my friend talk with her daughter about porn. Maybe even explain to her that once she’s older, she could explore the options of ethical porn: porn in which the performers are consenting, paid well, and treated with respect. I invited her to explain the difference between ethical porn and everything else. That it’s important to choose wisely when deciding what to watch. I suggested that my friend ask her daughter if she had any questions about sex. I invited my friend to try her best to listen without judgment, and to respond as openly and positively as she could. I also added that the conversation was an important one to have and would shape her daughter’s view of sex and sexuality.
I think it’s incredibly important to have these talks with children and teens. If they understand that porn isn’t “real,” that it’s a performance, they are much less likely to think that sex is supposed to look like that all the time. When sex and porn aren’t treated like some secretive, shameful topic, I believe that kids will have a much healthier relationship with their own sexuality. Talking to kids (and adults) about ethical porn as an alternative to sites like PornHub will give them the chance to make conscious choices when it comes to the content they view.
Talking openly about porn will also help soothe unrealistic body expectations that can come up. You are not expected to look like a porn star, folks! For the most part, porn features people who have exaggerated good looks and exaggerated body parts. But even porn stars don’t look like porn stars all the time. Makeup, good lighting, post-production work, and in some cases, plastic surgery, all play a part in the finished product. Don’t judge yourself based on someone who is in front of the camera for a living.
I’m an actor and model and let me tell you, airbrushing and Photoshop can do wonders. When I show up on set in my sweatpants with sleepy eyes I look nothing like I do in the film or final photograph. I have cellulite and wrinkles just like most women my age, and the performers you see in porn are not perfect either. Not to mention we are all human, which means we are all going to get old (if we are lucky) and die. When I’m feeling envious of a twenty-something with smooth skin and no gray hair, I remind myself that they will one day be my age, and that makes me feel a little better!
If you find that watching mainstream porn is making you feel bad about yourself, try exploring indie or “real people” porn. Not everyone wants to see “perfect” breasts and huge penises, so there is a huge variety out there. Personally, the traditional porn star look doesn’t really do it for me. I prefer watching real people have real sex. Tumblr is a great place to find homemade porn from adventurous people, which is often ethical and free!
At the end of the day, good sex always includes feeling good about yourself. Your body is totally desirable and beautiful just the way it is. The more unconditional love and acceptance you offer yourself, the better your sex life will be. If porn doesn’t add to your attitude of self-love then don’t watch it.
Another area in which I hear complaints about porn is within the context of monogamous relationships. For the most part I hear from women who are uncomfortable with their male partners watching porn, though I’ve heard it from others too. Some go so far as to consider viewing porn as cheating. If this is something you are struggling with, it’s important to get crystal clear on what is actually bothering you. Until you suss out exactly why your partner’s porn consumption is a problem for you, there will be no resolution.
For some, it comes down to simple insecurity. If your partner is getting sexually aroused by anyone other than you, you must not be good enough. This is of course not even a little bit true. Your self-worth is not measured by your partner’s attraction to someone else, or the fact that some porn turns them on. Self-worth comes from within, by way of self-love and acceptance, not through any outside person, place, or thing. Rather than judging your partner’s sexuality or sexual preference, take a look at how you can practice more self-soothing and love. Also let your partner know how you feel! Don’t put down their proclivity for porn; instead be vulnerable and share your insecurity. Everyone feels insecure sometimes, and if your partner is mindful and conscious they will be able to set you at ease.
Jealousy can also create issues with porn use in relationships. I delve into working with jealousy in Chapter Fourteen, but I’d like to touch lightly on it now. Jealousy, in my experience, is always hiding something deeper. Usually this is a fear of abandonment, which can stem from experiences early on in life or from past relationship trauma. It is your responsibility to address these deeper issues. A good partner can help if you allow them to see what’s at the core of your jealousy, but you’ll need to do the heavy lifting. FOCUS ON SELF is a great way to get under the surface of your jealousy and find out what’s really going on. By taking apart the strands of experience that make up jealousy, you’ll be able to access the tender places inside that need to heal. For me, working through jealousy was incredibly transformative, albeit painful at times.
Cultural shame can also influence your opinions about your partner, or yourself, watching porn. If you’ve been told that porn is “bad” and “dirty,” then you may have adopted this stance unconsciously. Be sure that your past programming isn’t negatively affecting your present-day relationship. Get clear on how your beliefs have been formed and decide if they are actually serving you and your partner.
If you’ve already addressed your own jealousy, insecurities, and any culturally-induced shame but still have a problem with your partner’s porn use, it may be time to take a long, hard look at the relationship. Do you and your partner share the same values? Are your sexual selves compatible? Is this just one issue or the tip of the iceberg? Your issues with porn might just be the place where you are putting all the negative energy that actually resides in many other places. Before ending a relationship, I suggest trying couples therapy or counseling first. Also, don’t rule out the possibility that porn could actually be used to build intimacy and connection.
Porn can, in fact, deepen intimacy and connection with your partner when it’s being used in a mindful way. It’s a vulnerable thing to talk about porn and watch it together, but vulnerability always creates more intimacy (and better sex!). When I was younger I had a lot of insecurity about being turned on by porn. When I did watch porn with a partner I had to push through a ton of discomfort and that resulted in a lack of presence and mindfulness on my part. I felt shame that porn turned me on but I wasn’t willing to address that with myself or my partner. As I mentioned earlier, being open about shame and embracing vulnerability is the gateway to healing and intimacy. As I grew emotionally and spiritually I began sharing my inner world with my partners; now porn is a fun and sexy ingredient that I sprinkle in now and then with no shame at all.
If you allow yourself to embrace all your feelings and communicate with honesty, then talking about and watching porn can bring tons of joy to sex. Picking out a film together and sharing your reactions to it with one another can be fun and sexy. You might find that you don’t get all that far into the scene before you start acting out your own version!
Porn turns a lot of people on, and being turned on is vital for good sex. Watching other people get down and dirty can inspire desire and get your juices going in a major way. You’ll need to take the plunge and tell your partner that you want to watch porn with them first though. For all the reasons we have explored, broaching the topic of porn might be a little scary for some. Keep in mind that you don’t have to do it perfectly. The conversation can be awkward and funny and still lead to fun and connection. You may wish to do a little research on your own first to find out what porn you like and to make sure it’s ethical.
Once you have a sense of what you enjoy, perhaps share a link in an email to your partner with a winky face. Or if you are feeling brave, tell your partner you want a date night at home with the computer. Remember that a lot of people have a strong negative reaction to porn. If you think your partner may feel uncomfortable, start by asking them if they like porn and what their relationship to it is. You can also educate your partner on ethical porn if they are not familiar. Speaking of education, porn can be a great educational tool too.
Let’s be honest, most of us were not educated on how to have sex before we started having it. After all, classes about sexual pleasure, sexual technique, or mindful sex aren’t offered in school! We have relied on our own instincts and our partners to lead the way into sexual experience. I had sex for years before I started to really understand how to bring pleasure to myself and others. Porn wasn’t as readily available back then, but I’ve always been passionate about sex. I read books about sex and asked knowledgeable people lots of questions. I think that good porn can also serve as a lesson in good sex.
First of all, watching people being free with their sexuality is a lesson in itself, especially for our sexually-repressed culture. What if seeing a woman have sex with two men was viewed as empowering instead of degrading? If the porn is ethical I find a woman with two men to be a beautiful (and hot) expression of female sexuality and power. Just seeing naked bodies can be educational and freeing for some. It all depends on how you are thinking about it. Let go of the shame; the act is simply human beings in their natural state doing what humans do best.
Watching porn can also help you figure out what turns you on. Maybe you find out that you want to dominate or be dominated by your partner. Maybe you find out that you want to explore something with someone of a new gender. Maybe you just want to dress up in a sexy maid’s outfit while you partner watches you scrub the bathroom with a toothbrush. Porn can open your eyes to all new layers of your sexual expression.
You can also pick up some new positions or techniques from watching porn. There are endless ways to have good sex and porn can introduce you to some of them. Keep in mind that some of what you see in porn is more about camera angles than pleasure, so be sure you are placing your focus on pleasure and connection rather than on trying to copy the scene exactly. Also remember that porn performers are professionals. You may not want to try everything you see in porn at home. For example, one should never put anything in a vagina or mouth that has just been in an anus.
Porn is just one of many things that you can explore in good sex. If it’s not your thing, don’t worry about it! Always move toward mindfulness and intimacy with yourself and your partner. Even while you are watching an ethical gang bang.
So, maybe you’ve read this far and you are thinking, This chapter is b.s. How can porn be spiritual? Well, to that I say: everything is spiritual. How can anything, porn included, not be spiritual? There isn’t some box in the universe where all the nonspiritual stuff belongs. Even if there was, the box would still be a part of this wild, beautiful, and spiritual mystery that our planet is but a small speck of. This isn’t to say that watching porn falls within what is right for you. It may not be for you, but if you are experiencing aversion to it because it’s not spiritually evolved enough, you may be missing the point of spirituality.
One of the big traps people fall into on the spiritual path is becoming attached to a fixed view of what is spiritual and what is not. This is incredibly limiting. One of the most common ways I see this manifest is through the idea that if you are truly spiritual you always feel good and never, ever get sad or angry. That’s why we have a bunch of “spiritual” people who are good at following their breath and saying Namaste but are so bottled up inside that they explode in a fit of fury when someone cuts them off on the freeway. It’s also why you see so many spiritual teachers with sex scandals. They are so set on being “spiritual” but don’t talk about how they are really feeling; all other human emotions that don’t fit the blissed-out-and-compassionate façade get stuffed down. This results in toxic behavior and a lot of suffering. Even if there aren’t such obvious negative results like sex scandals, anyone who is repressing real feelings to protect a perfect image is living a disconnected and isolated life.
To live a full and rich life, we must always be willing to peel back the next layer of the onion. We must be willing to investigate our beliefs and preferences. We must be willing to wear our spirituality like a loose garment rather than a corset or straightjacket. We must be willing to wake up again and again without any expectation of graduating to some perfect self. This is of course also true in our sexuality. One thing I’ve come to understand is that my sexuality is fluid. What turns me on, what kind of lover I’m attracted to, my sex drive, and lots more have changed and changed again over the years. As I’ve allowed myself to soften into that fluidity, my life has expanded in wonderful ways. If I held tight to my early-twenties version (or early-thirties) of sexuality, I’d be missing out on a lot.
Porn can, understandably, be very triggering for some. It can bring up a very rigid self that is angry, afraid, and judgmental. The same can be said for some folks’ reaction to BDSM or certain types of role play, and to celibacy for that matter. That rigid self feels that it needs to defend it’s position on what it deems acceptable. It will behoove you to look closely at that self when it comes up due to porn, or anything in life really. Using FOCUS ON SELF, you can deconstruct that self and begin to recognize that digging your fingernails into your opinions and preferences is only causing you suffering. This isn’t to say that you’ll change your mind and want to start watching porn—you may never enjoy it, and that is A-OK. The point is to wake up from the dream that attachment to the self has trapped you in. You can have no interest in porn (or Parcheesi or pickles) but also have no aversion, position on, or judgment of it either. When we come from a place of acceptance we are much more likely to take positive and effective action in reducing suffering in ourselves and others.
Some people have a huge and negative response to the topic of porn. While I’m not saying that you need to like porn to have good sex, I do think that working through aversion will improve your life in many ways and improve your sex life too. Anytime we have strong negative beliefs, about anything, we are limiting our possibility for awakening and of being of service to the world. It is our responsibility to practice acceptance and transmute hatred and judgment into love, or at least neutrality.
I used to have a huge aversion, judgment, and hatred for anyone who sexually abused children. Seems reasonable, right? It’s one of the most hurtful and damaging things someone can do to another human. I felt justified in my feelings, and would often say things like, He should be castrated, or She should be put to death, or They don’t deserve to live. This mental and emotional experience was painful and caused me to suffer, but I saw no other way to react. After a few years of meditation and some work on my own abuse, I suddenly found that I felt very different. I felt compassion and even love for the people who were in so much pain that they needed to hurt others in such an awful way. I was shocked. All the anger and hatred was gone. I now saw child abusers as more than just that: I saw them as humans.
Thanks to that shift, I am now much more capable of helping people to heal their trauma of sexual abuse. I am more effective, positive, and solution-based. I am a better teacher and I am no longer suffering as a result of my toxic attitude. My new perspective doesn’t mean I condone sexual abuse, far from it. I just no longer view those who abuse as nonhuman and undeserving of love or compassion.
As I’ve said a few times now, I am a porn lover. I don’t share this story to compare porn to sexual abuse. I see porn as a fun, sexy, and even healing vehicle. I also don’t share this story to pass judgement on how you view abusers. I share this story because it is an extreme example of how we can change when we are willing to look at our beliefs and opinions with clear eyes and an open heart. In this case, most of the work took place under the surface of consciousness. My meditation practice was under the hood giving me a spiritual oil change and I didn’t even know it. The side effects of meditation are compassion, unity, and love. Find out for yourself—you have nothing to lose but your own suffering. And, well, on the flip side, the cost of awakening is just everything.