It’s time to jump into the deep end of the good sex pool: commitment, open relationships, and jealousy. If you stick it out with a partner for a while, you are likely to come in contact with some version of the above topics. How you choose to handle yourself in these waters will have a lot of influence on how good your sex can be.
There is not a one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships. We are all incredibly unique creations with the capacity to create incredibly unique relationships. Mindfulness invites you to move toward what is most authentic for you. Your practice can weed out the stale ideas of what a relationship should be and bring you into alignment with what it could be. Having a radical spiritual practice will make you a delightful and confronting force to be reckoned with for your partners. You will always be moving toward growth, even when it challenges traditional relationship models and roles.
In romantic relationships, partners tend to discuss everything, up to a point. Honestly and openly talking to a lover about your commitment desires, your embarrassing jealous feelings, or your interest in exploring non-monogamy can be a daunting task.
Making it even harder, our culture supports sticking your head in the sand when it comes to certain territory.
The topics in this chapter might feel beyond the edge of your comfort level. If that’s the case, it’s only because we as a culture leave some of these stones unturned. We leave well enough alone and stick to the status quo. But this book isn’t for people who aren’t at least somewhat willing to peel back the layers and get into the meaty, bloody heart of the matter.
I’m at the age where everyone around me is getting married and having kids. Watching this can be very hard for those who want to get married but have not yet met a life-partner, or who are with someone who isn’t ready for that kind of commitment. When one partner doesn’t want to take the next step (monogamy, moving in, marriage) your sex life can take a major hit. Whoever wants more feels rejected, and whoever doesn’t feels pressured. Not a good combo for good sex.
I was recently talking to a friend of mine who wants to marry his girlfriend. He has never had a strong desire to get hitched to anyone before, but he feels like she is the right one and wants to make it official. But much to his disappointment, she doesn’t feel the same way just yet. Since that conversation with his girlfriend, their sexual connection has all but vanished. He isn’t sure how to move forward. Is this a deal breaker? A reason to leave the relationship immediately? Maybe not. Perhaps wanting more commitment from a significant other (or an employee or an employer, a friend or a family member) is actually an opportunity to make a bigger commitment to ourselves. What if we took that longing for a diamond ring (or a promotion) and turned it in to a longing for a deeper love and understanding of ourselves? Committing to your own life, happiness, and personal growth is a powerful choice.
One way to begin practicing this kind of self-commitment is to be willing to sit with ourselves. Our selves are ever-changing and fluid. Feeling your feelings, instead of resisting them, is saying Yes to a proposal from your deepest self. Your deepest self is the part of you that knows. The little voice that never leads you astray when you actually listen to it. This part of you is firmly planted in a perspective of love and acceptance. Use FOCUS ON SELF to answer this call to self-discovery. You will find that even the sadness and frustration of wanting more commitment from your partner can be a path to awakening.
You can also do this with finding a job, completing a project, changing your diet, and so on. Just write down what it is that needs your attention and then a few actions you can take. Keep the actions simple and doable.
A painful situation, such as a case of unrequited commitment, is exactly when your daily meditation practice pays dividends. We practice every day so that when life happens, we are prepared to face it with a present and mindful attitude. Learning to mindfully attend to the feelings of not getting what you want is what allows for self-commitment to occur. This self-commitment can be as scary as committing to a lover or a job. Be gentle and brave as you observe and explore the flow of emotional sensations in your meditation and in action.
Not all of us grew up with adults that could hold space for our fears, sadness, insecurities, or even joys. Some of us were raised by people who couldn’t commit to themselves, let alone to us. We now have a chance to create and hold that space for ourselves.
In a sense, committing to yourself is a way to re-parent yourself. As you offer yourself this love and care, life will open up and your inherent joy will expand. Every moment is a new opportunity to commit to knowing ourselves more deeply, and to stay present to our experiences more completely.
Committing to yourself, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish from this day forward until death is something you can do every time you stay with an uncomfortable emotion instead of checking Facebook or some other distraction. It’s something you can do every time you listen to the small clear voice inside that tells you to take that exciting new job even though you are afraid. It’s something you can do every time you sit down on your cushion and do your daily meditation practice. You can practice this commitment every time you have sex and ask for what you want, or choose to open your eyes and see your partner. The commitment you make to yourself every day will create a foundation for a deeper and deeper self-love. You deserve that commitment.
When I was in my early twenties, I lived in a four-story apartment building in Center City, Philadelphia. I lived with my then-boyfriend and our cats in a one bedroom with a loft we built from scratch. Somewhere along the line, I got a friend of mine an apartment in the same building. But this wasn’t just any friend. I had been in love with her since I was fifteen when we sat next to each other in English class. I was only at the school for about three months, but she took residence in my heart and we stayed in touch. While there was a mutual attraction, the timing never worked out, and my love remained unrequited. Soon after she moved in to the apartment above ours, the flirtation began. Eventually, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other and something had to be done. So we went out one night and drank enough until a threesome with my boyfriend sounded like the best solution for our budding romance. That began my first “open” relationship.
I was with both of them for almost a year. I would stay some nights upstairs with my girlfriend and some nights downstairs with my boyfriend. If this is starting to sound like some kind of free love fantasy, let me dissuade you from that assumption. It was pure hell. She and I were both very young, in our early twenties. My boyfriend was a lot older and probably the sanest out of the three of us, but he was dragged into the muck with us. There were constant fights and tears, terrible boundaries, and a total lack of mindfulness (on my part, anyway). I had no spiritual practice at that time, and I behaved badly. They both wanted more time from me, and I wanted them both to be faithful to me. I threw massive fits if I felt they weren’t. Neither of them felt that this was really fair, but my jealousy was so strong that for the most part they figured it wasn’t worth stepping outside of our dysfunctional three-way romance.
Eventually, the relationship with the man ended, and the one with the woman followed not long after. The latter was messy. Blood, jail, and restraining-order messy. I once chased her around with a tape recorder while she was drunk. I planned to play it for her the next day. I was just a little off my rocker. We both had a lot of unconscious material that made us both act out in unhealthy ways. I look back on that time and it’s hard to believe I was in a situation like that at all.
But, at the same time, I learned a ton, and that experience is part of what makes me who I am today. One thing I learned was that I’m not strictly monogamous. Up until then I just figured I had to be and often ended up cheating. Part of my cheating came from too much drinking and not enough self-love, but some of it came from my genuine desire to connect with more than one partner sexually, romantically, and emotionally. After that first experience with an open relationship it took me a while to try it again. My extreme jealousy, which stemmed from fears of abandonment, prevented me from giving it another shot. Being okay with my partner having sex with someone else, let alone falling in love with someone else, seemed totally impossible. Then meditation came in and made the impossible possible.
I am not promoting open relationships or polyamory, and I understand that it isn’t for everyone. Even if you have no interest in exploring polyamory, however, there is still a lot you can learn from those who do.
Out of the roughly five thousand species of mammals (including humans) only three percent are known to have monogamous life partners. Along with us, there are beavers, wolves, and some types of bats. So we can be faithful to our partners, but how many of us actually are? Here are some recent stats for you.
Percent of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41 percent
Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 57 percent
Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 54 percent1
Taking a look at these numbers could lead one to believe that while we are capable of monogamy, it’s not always our “natural” proclivity. This doesn’t mean that we should all go out and get seven partners tomorrow, but we should be able to talk about options other than monogamy. Often, when this topic comes up, people clam up and don’t want to go there. We have a lot of social programming that says: Hold on tight to your person, and don’t let anyone else touch them. It’s totally normal for couples to stop going out with friends sans each other, or to make rules about whom the other can and can’t see socially. It’s culturally acceptable to lose your mind if you see a text from another woman on your man’s phone. Your pals will tell you to “set him straight” and call the other woman a bitch, a slut, a homewrecker. We need to be able to talk about these issues and decide if polyamory might be right for us.
I once had a student call me in a deep state of self-loathing. She had found herself attracted to a woman other than her girlfriend while out of town on a job. The attraction was mutual, and after a few weeks of intense flirting, the two had ended up nearly kissing outside a bar one evening. When she called me, my student hadn’t yet told her partner anything and was terrified about what would happen if she did but also didn’t want to lie. She felt that something must be fundamentally wrong with her to be attracted to someone else and to have let the flirtation get so far.
The first thing I told her was that there was absolutely nothing “wrong” with her. It is totally normal to be attracted to people other than just your partner. We are human beings with biological drives, sexual urges, and aesthetic sensibilities. When you make a commitment to someone, should you gouge your eyes out, get rid of your sense of smell, and wear a spiked chastity belt? God no. Making a commitment to be monogamous means that you don’t do sex acts with anyone else, not that you never feel attraction again. Based on her reaction, I’d say that my reply was a big surprise to her.
Then there was the question of the flirtation, emotional affair, and almost kiss. I expressed to her that it wasn’t the acts themselves that were problematic; it was the dishonesty with her partner. I introduced the idea of open relationships to her, explaining that there are many versions, not just the old 1970s swinger model. Some couples agree to talk openly about attractions, some are okay with flirtations, some with kissing only, some allow sex but not dating, and some embrace polyamory—full-on relationships with other people.
What makes any of these relationship models work is total and rigorous honesty. Back in my early twenties, when I was trying this stuff out, I was not capable of that level of honest communication. I couldn’t be honest with myself, let alone my two partners; hence the big sloppy mess. I told my student that thanks to years of meditation and various kinds of healing work, I was much closer to the kind of honesty that is required for an open relationship.
When alternatives to the traditional relationship are normalized, the sense of shame and self-hatred can slip away. I suggested that she use her mindfulness tools to get clear on how she felt and what she wanted to say to her partner. FOCUS ON SELF gave her clarity into past experiences and how they were affecting her in the current relationship. The practice also helped her feel more love and acceptance for herself so that she wasn’t going to her partner defeated and ashamed. Instead, she would be able to make amends and then get into a solution.
This allowed her to have an honest and loving conversation with her partner about what had happened. While it was a challenging talk, my student’s partner was kind, graceful, and also transparent about her own experiences. It turned out that she too was having the same sense of shame about attractions and flirtations. They used mindfulness techniques to stay present when either of them got overwhelmed or triggered during the conversation. Having that common knowledge of meditation allowed for the conversations to go way beyond the surface, into some beautiful intimacy. In discussing the options, they agreed that it’s okay for them to share with each other about their attractions to other people, and that some light flirting was acceptable too. My student reported back to me that they felt closer than ever, and their sex had been off the hook since that chat. They have since gotten married, and both continue to use their practice to fine tune and strengthen their relationship.
Having discussions like the one my student had with her wife require a strong container of mindfulness. It’s so easy to get rubbed the wrong way or triggered when delving into these topics with your partner. Knowing how to deconstruct your experience, find acceptance, and nurture compassion can turn a downright terrible conversation into a magical and intimate adventure.
Any version of an open relationship requires black belt communication skills. Every issue in your relationship will surface with a vengeance, as will all your personal unconscious material in regard to sex, love, abandonment, and self-esteem. An open relationship is fierce grace indeed. I think of non-monogamy as an extraordinary path to awakening for the spiritual daredevil. It’s not for everyone. But even if that’s not your kind of spiritual program, being able to openly discuss all parts of yourself with your partner is a way to have good sex and a good life.
Anything we are resisting or sweeping under the rug will build up. This includes desire for people other than your partner. Being able to name your desire will shrink it down to a manageable size and will cultivate a radical intimacy with your partner. If your attraction to others, your interest in opening your relationship in some way, or anything else is asking to be discussed, do it. Use what you have learned in this book so far to support that action. Lean into your meditation practice and see what wants to be seen.
When I tell someone that I dabble in non-monogamy from time to time, the most common question I get is: How the heck do you deal with the jealousy?
Jealousy is quite the thorny beast. Think how many murder/ suicides have been committed based on the emotion of jealousy. Or how many people are miserable throughout all of their relationships because of jealousy. At the very least, leaving jealousy unchecked causes you to suffer. That’s why it’s so important to good sex for you to address your jealousy. Even if it’s just a little bit. Even if you call it by another name.
Most are quite sure that while it might be exciting to step out of their relationship for some fun, they would never be able to withstand the tsunami of jealousy when their partner did the same. Working with jealousy requires a lot of self-soothing, almost unshakable honesty, and the ability to see jealousy for what it is. And what is it? Thoughts and emotions.
But here’s the thing: Conscious monogamy requires the same qualities and abilities. Conscious monogamy means choosing one day at a time to be with only your partner. It means being willing to have the hard talks like the one my student had with her wife. It means being mindful of what commitment means in your relationship and consistently honoring that. If you commit to real intimacy and honesty with your partner, you will most likely feel jealous at some point. If you can’t work with jealousy in a mindful way, it can become a thorn in the side of your relationship.
Here’s what Dedeker Winston, relationship coach and author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory, has to say about jealousy:
Love is not a limited resource. People can’t really be given, taken, stolen like treasure, won like a prize, or shared like a toy. Rather than looking outward at what is causing your jealousy, seeking something or someone to blame, take the opportunity to look inward. Examine your doubts, your insecurities, your inner fears, and open up to your partner about these things with vulnerability, not with accusation. Use your jealousy as a jumping-off point for healing yourself and bringing you and your partner closer together.2
As she mentions, that green-eyed monster is actually quite useful. It can facilitate healing and intimacy. All that’s needed to get started is the willingness to mindfully attend to the experience of jealousy.
I had a jealousy problem. It was definitely one of my demons. I have a philosophy that I borrow from a Tibetan Buddhist story when it comes to demons. The story goes something like this.
One night, a Tibetan Buddhist monk named Milarepa left his cave to get some firewood and food. When he returned to his cave it was filled with demons. They were packed in there like evil sardines, making all kinds of horrifying sounds and faces. Milarepa knew enough to understand that these “demons” were simply his mind’s projection of the parts of himself he did not love. But nonetheless, he wanted to clear those suckers out, and illusion or not, they were pretty scary. First, he climbed up on a rock and started teaching them Buddhism. We are all one, compassion this, loving kindness that. He figured they would hear the lessons, chill out, and leave. No dice. This really pissed the monk off. He started yelling, throwing his arms around, and ran straight at them. The demons? They just cracked up. Thought it was totally hilarious.
At this point, the monk settled into an unhappy resignation. He told the demons to do whatever they wanted, but that he wasn’t going anywhere. At that moment, all but one of the demons vanished. The last demon was the worst of all. Garbage breath, bloody razor claws, a jaw and teeth like a giant piranha. The monk knew that this demon was the part of himself that he most resisted, most disliked. He knew what must be done. With a gentle gait, he walked over to the demon and put his entire head into its nasty, fatal mouth. “Go ahead and eat me,” the monk said. In that instant, the demon disappeared, never to be seen again.
That’s the long version of my philosophy on demons. You have to just put your head between their teeth and tell them to bite down. Radical acceptance is the best demon killer. I’d add to that story that the monk told the demon he loved it unconditionally. Love and acceptance is all our demons really want.
I knew that jealousy was one of my most vicious demons, and I had a feeling that sticking my head in that mouth would yield huge psychospiritual growth. I knew that underneath my jealousy there was a deep fear of abandonment, and I was ready to heal that wound. I thought that an open relationship could be my chance to meet jealousy head on, armed with my meditation practice. My partner at the time was open to giving this a try, and we started taking baby steps: a threesome here, an online flirtation there. A few months in, my partner met someone. She was exactly his type. I mean exactly. Her beauty was quite literally stunning. In addition to her good looks, she was incredibly kind, generous, and wise. He was deeply smitten, and it seemed that my demon wasn’t going to take it easy on me.
Over the days that followed, I proceeded to go a little bit crazy. Jealousy took hold and didn’t let go. I experienced racing thoughts, overwhelming emotions, and endless tears. I hadn’t expected it to be so intense, or so all-consuming. I have a habit of underestimating things like this. But no matter how bad it got, I kept in touch with my intention of healing and awakening. My partner tried to call it all off and close the relationship a number of times. My close friends told me that I should stop torturing myself (and my poor boyfriend who had to deal with my instability). But I knew that the feelings I was having had very little to do with my partner having a sexual relationship with someone else. The level of emotion and the amount of mental activity were all pointing to one thing. Abandonment.
After some years with a dedicated meditation practice, I was good at seeing beneath the surface issues to what was really going on. This time it was obvious. Grown-up Jessica knew that my partner wasn’t going to leave me and furthermore was happy that my partner was exploring his sexuality with this other woman. But the little girl part of me was terrified of being abandoned.
I grew up with parents who had a lot on their plates and not a lot of money to put food on our plates. Poverty, neglect, abuse, and alcoholism were part of the backdrop of my childhood. There were many small but significant abandonments, and others that were quite large. I had a well-founded fear that my dad would just disappear one day. After my parents split up, my dad would often threaten my sisters and me that he might leave and never come back. He would do this when he was mad at us, hungover, or not yet drunk enough to get his happy glow. He was not great at paying child support and was often taken to court for being late on the payments. That was one of the reasons he gave for taking off and never coming back.
One day when I was about eleven or twelve, I was snooping in his room. There was a mattress on the floor and piles of newspapers, books, clothes, records and knickknacks everywhere. I was, funny enough, looking for his copy of The Joy of Sex. When he was gone I’d sometimes sneak upstairs to take a peek at the pictures. This time, I came across something else: books with names like, How to Create a New Identity and Disappear Forever. Stunned, I covered the books back up with a T-shirt and scrambled downstairs. While he never picked up and moved, I was always afraid he would.
That’s one story, and I have dozens. Most of us have at least a few experiences with some kind of abandonment that affects us in our romantic relationships. There are demons of all shapes and sizes. My fear of abandonment was one powerful demon, and it was coming right for me via jealousy. I got a good look at it and deconstructed the thoughts and emotions that began to surface about my childhood and teenage years. I could see what my jealousy really was. It was never about what it seemed, but always a symptom of an unhealed wound inside of me. I was ready to heal. I was ready to offer total acceptance to this heartbreak and grief. So I stuck my head into the mouth of the demon.
There was instant relief when I let go in this way. The suffering ceased. I had an awakening around my identification with these past traumas and disappointments. I no longer felt bound to the fear that I would be left alone. I won’t say that the demon vanished immediately, or that it’s even entirely gone. It took a few months to fully integrate this insight, and I had little flare-ups of jealousy here and there. Childhood wounds can take a lot of work and time to heal completely.
My ability to emotionally connect with my partners grew leaps and bounds as a result of this work. All that fear I had been carrying around had been an armor, and it had finally fallen to the floor. I could risk loving someone because I knew I was safe. Even if someone broke my heart or disappointed me, it wasn’t going to be compounded with all the past wounds. The healing of those wounds gave me a kind of joy and playfulness in my sex and romantic life that had always escaped me before. I was lighter. I was free.
An open relationship may seem like an extreme example to some of you. I share the story because it is a testament to what can happen when you are willing to bring your practice into your life. Most people experience some level of jealousy at some point in a relationship. I suggest that this is a chance to awaken more fully and heal more deeply. You don’t have to enjoy your demons, but don’t run from them either. They are there to give you a life-changing teaching.