3
Types of Sexuality
As I mentioned in the introduction, and in Chapter 2, it is important to know that, even though in school we may have learnt that there are only two genders, some people are not male (men/boys) or female (women/girls). Some people are intersex – which means that they have anatomy (body characteristics) that do not match either male or female. They may have characteristics of both, for example, a vagina and a penis. Other people are transgender; these people are born as one gender (male or female) but feel as if they have the wrong gender body. Over time many transgender (body dysmorphic) people transform their gender through the use of props (clothes, hairstyle, speech, makeup, etc.), chemicals (hormone injections) and sometimes surgery to remove unwanted body parts and create body parts that match their desired gender. This is called transitioning. Anyone of any gender can have any type of sexuality. In some countries there is a social stigma or legal discrimination against some gender types or sexual orientations (another way of describing sexuality). In other countries there is an openness and acceptance of a wide diversity of gender and sexuality.
As long as you behave in a manner that is respectful to yourself and others and legal, your gender and sexuality are nothing to be ashamed of. You do not have to be beautiful to find someone to love or be involved sexually with, nor do you have to be rich. Although films, magazines and other media imply that there is a ‘standard of beauty’ to which men and women should aspire, this is not true. What people perceive as beautiful is individual; for example, it may be that you see symmetry as beautiful, another person may not. Some people find age lines/wrinkles beautiful as they can be seen as illustrating the life story of that person, while other people find smooth skin youthful and they may equate youthful with beautiful.
In reality most people are attracted to a combination of personality and appearance. If you behave in a way that shows your innate kindness, are respectful and considerate to others, you will find someone who likes you for who you are, whether in real life or online. When you do, you need to ensure that mutual consent informs what you do and when.
Heterosexuality
Heterosexuality is the sexual attraction between members of the ‘opposite’ sex. This means that a man is sexually attracted to a woman or a woman is attracted to a man. These men and women can be transgender or not. One of the most common terms for being heterosexual is ‘straight’, so a man might say they are a straight man. However, many heterosexual people assume everyone is heterosexual and therefore do not feel the need to explain their sexual orientation.
When two people who are in a heterosexual relationship agree not to have sexual relationships with other people, this is known as a monogamous relationship. However, sometimes even when both people have agreed to be faithful, which means not to be sexually involved with anyone else, one or both people do have other relationships. In this case, it is referred to as being unfaithful or having an affair. A woman having a sexual relationship with a married man is often called his mistress. In some cultures having/being a mistress is widely accepted, whereas in other cultures it is viewed negatively.
Many people are not open or honest with their partner about their sexual fidelity and do not disclose what they are doing or have done. How this affects you or your partner is very personal and there is no right way of handling this situation. Having an affair is often seen as disrespectful to your partner and can hurt your partner’s feelings and cause them to lose trust in you.
Heterosexuals can also have open relationships, which means that both partners are open to having other sexual relationships while they are in their main relationship. Yet other heterosexuals are in polyamorous relationships (where there are more than two people in the relationships). Most polygamous families consist of one heterosexual male who is married to two or more heterosexual females who share looking after the man and any resultant children. This is illegal in many countries and normal in some cultures.
Some people do not have sexual feelings or have experienced them so rarely that they are not sure how to identify sexual attraction. Chapter 5 will help you to understand more about sexual attraction and what it can feel like, look like and even sound like.
Homosexuality
This is the sexual attraction between members of the same sex. These men and women can be transgender or not. There are different words for men attracted to men; for example, gay, poof, fag or queer. Women who are sexually attracted to other women are referred to as lesbians, lezzies, queers or dykes. Many of the words to describe homosexual men or women are used as insults in school. This is less common in the workplace, but in some cultures or countries there are social or legal difficulties associated with being lesbian or gay. However, in other countries it is perfectly acceptable and there is legislation to prevent discrimination in the workplace, in health care or housing.
Lynne: I always liked spending time with boys at school but then in my teens I found I wanted to spend much more time with other girls and I wanted to be really close to them. Other girls at school called me a lesbian, which I knew they meant as an insult because they shouted it and then walked away. I said I wasn’t but then a girl that I became sexually involved with told me that what I was doing with her meant I was a lesbian. I thought that was amazing, this wonderful thing I was doing was called this horrid name! I decided I would call myself a dyke instead of a lesbian because it sounded strong and good. I just knew that my body and I felt more comfortable in sexual situations that were with another female. I didn’t like penises and I have never found men beautiful. I guess that is how my not being sexually attracted to men showed, I didn’t find them beautiful ever, and sex with them was weird: I couldn’t work out what to do or why!
Many lesbian relationships are very intense when they start, and there is a widely known joke that asks what do lesbians bring to their third date? The answer is a moving truck, because, although it is not true that lesbian start living together the third time that they meet, they do tend to move into one home much quicker than other types of people. Many lesbians claim that they cannot enjoy sexual activities unless they are in love and express a preference for a long-term monogamous relationship.
However, there is another well-known joke that refers to lesbian years as dog years (i.e. one year in a lesbian relationship is like seven years in any other type of relationship). Perhaps due to the intensity of emotions in most lesbian relationships, they do not often last forever. However, they can, and many lesbian families raise children together and go on to live together happily even when the children have left home.
Other lesbians are open about their enjoyment of sexual activities and they are happy to engage in this with women they have just met, ‘friends with benefits’ and other casual relationships as well as in longer term committed relationships.
Gay men are just as varied in the types of relationships in which they engage, from lots of quick sex with strangers to long-term committed monogamous relationships. Gay men can appear to be more willing to have open relationships, where they live with their long-term committed partner and have sex with other people whenever they want, but never in their own home. Each relationship is different and it is important to discuss the boundaries of what is and is not acceptable for you both in your relationship.
Some lesbians and gay men choose to have children together and co-parent in a variety of different ways. This has happened for a long time and research has been done in a number of countries over a number of years that consistently shows that children of lesbian and/or gay parents are as well-adjusted as other children and do not suffer or become damaged because of their non-traditional family structure.
Bisexuality
This the sexual attraction to both the opposite and same sex, such as man to man and to woman, woman to woman and to man. These men and women can be transgender or not. Some people do not believe bisexuality is real and can say things like, ‘they just want to have their cake and eat it’. This phrase does not mean anything about cake, instead it means they want to be able to have sexual relationships with both men and women. Some people seem to resent this and can be very unkind to bisexual people. Often people assume that bisexuals have more than one sexual relationship at a time, though this may or may not be the case. Heterosexuals and homosexuals can also have more than one sexual relationship at a time.
Lynne: I thought everyone was bisexual, because I was attracted to women and I couldn’t imagine anyone else not being, but I saw my female friends and peers from university and work being attracted to and having relationships with men, so I assumed everyone was attracted to both and therefore bisexual. Because I thought this, I tried having a relationship with a couple of men (one after the other, not at the same time), just in case not liking the first relationship was just a one off. However, what I realized was that I just didn’t enjoy being sexually involved with men, I like them as friends but I just find their bodies so unattractive. In contrast, I am very comfortable with my body and my partner’s body if my partner is female. It just feels more natural to me. The men that I knew were bisexual and seemed to be genuinely attracted to both men and women and talked to me about the way that they were attracted to people and the gender was irrelevant for them.
Some people are genuinely bisexual, while others may actually be homosexual but for personal/social/cultural reasons they are in heterosexual marriages and choose not to accept or use the term homosexual to describe themselves. This may be because of family, cultural, religious and/or social pressures or due to not knowing that there was any option to be true to who they are and how that could be possible.
Bisexual people can be in any kind of relationship: married, monogamous, polygamous, open, etc. Again this is very much up to the individual people involved in the relationship and should be discussed openly and clearly whenever necessary.
Asexuality
This is the lack of sexual attraction and sexual interest towards/in other people. People who are asexual can be single (not in a sexual or intimate relationship), or they can be in an intimate relationship where there is little or no sexual activity, or they can be in a sexual relationship. Often asexual people who are in sexual relationships say that they would prefer not to be sexual but they are afraid of upsetting their partner/spouse or feel pressured into being sexual. Some people on the autistm spectrum prefer to be non-sexual because of their personal sensory issues. However, for other people on the autism spectrum sexual activity can be very pleasurable. Some asexual people report that others are not very understanding and can’t believe that people choose not to be sexually active. An unkind word that others can say about people who do not respond to sexual requests is frigid. Some people identify as gay/lesbian asexuals and these people would prefer to be in a same-sex relationship with no sexual activity.
Claire: I just don’t like to be touched sexually, I’d rather I never had to be in those situations. I find the whole thing sensorially really overwhelming.
People are quite shocked that I am happy being asexual, they think that maybe I just can’t find the right partner but I like my life without sexual relationships.
Some adults on the autism spectrum who are asexual talk about a preference for objects over people, and their asexuality is a natural extension of this. There is nothing wrong with being asexual, although many young people say that they find it hard to be accepted when they tell people they are asexual. Part of the reason for this is that many cultures have become highly sexualized, where, for example, adverts commonly use sexual imagery. There are online support groups and a growing awareness and understanding of asexuality.
Polysexuality
This is the sexual attraction to more than one gender, but it is the word often chosen by people who either choose not to identify with a particular gender or who do not want to be known as bisexual because bisexual implies only two genders: male or female. Intersex people or their sexual partners may choose to call themselves polysexual. This is not a common word as people who were intersex used to be made to live as either a girl or a boy when they were children and felt as if they had to look like a man or a woman as an adult. In many parts of the USA, Canada, Europe, Australia and New Zealand, children are allowed to be intersex and to choose to live in a way that suits them. For example, many official forms have now been changed from male/female to male/female/other.
Pansexuality/omnisexuality
This is the sexual attraction towards people as individuals rather than to people because of their gender. Some pansexuals describe themselves as gender blind, as to them gender is not relevant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others. Adults on the autism spectrum are often attracted to specific people rather than to complete genders; however, they may or may not define themselves as omnisexual.
Transsexual
This is another word for transgender and is not a sexuality. For example, a transsexual or transgender man (born as a female but living as a man) could be heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, polysexual or pansexual.
Sue: I was born male. My chromosomes say that I am male. But my gender identity is female. I was told by my therapist during my transition that there are 13 different aspects that contribute to a person being considered male or female. At the core is gender identity, a deeply ingrained feeling that someone is male or female (or in between), and that that identity is almost always recognizable early, as early as 18 months.
I suspect that gender identity for someone who is on the autism spectrum is different to gender identity for a neurotypical. While I knew early on that I wasn’t male, my body was male and that was that. So expression of my core identity is probably modified by aspie pragmatism. As well, I was born in the 1950s, a time when difference was frowned on. Bigotry was normal, being gay was illegal, and my father was an abusive man. It was not an upbringing that was conducive for telling anyone that I was not a boy.
The need to hide is a common feeling for anyone who is different from societal norms. This is especially true for gender dysmorphic people, and such stories have been told commonly. I am not unique. So starting from that background, how does it feel to be trans and aspie? How does anything feel when you are different? You are the one who stands out, but is not sure why. You are the one who doesn’t fit in with the boy groups, nor the girl groups. You want to dress as a girl, you want to play with dolls even though you have no idea what to do with them, and you know that it is wrong somehow. You study, you watch, you try to understand, you form theories of the world and of people, then you go back to watching, and modelling. And then you learn to escape into your books and fantasy, rereading the same books multiple times because they are the same each time and understandable. You read books about girls until you are discovered and ridiculed, so you turn to fantasy, dragons and unicorns, and science fiction, and find this is acceptable because boys read that too. So it’s weird, but gender safe.
At seven years I knew that I was going to be a girl when I grew up. I had no idea why I wasn’t, but I knew that it was wrong somehow. Again, the aspie pragmatism: life continues. Sex change wasn’t discussed in my house, and I never thought to ask, never even considered that such things were possible. Cross-dressing is a path that most trans people take. Not as a sexual fantasy, but somehow it is comfortable.
I have one body, I was born with it, so it can’t be wrong. But I knew I wasn’t a real male. Like many other trans, I learned to hide that, even from myself. When I started the trip towards transition, it was initially done quietly, then publicly. I visited a gender counsellor after searching through an early version of the internet (in 1995). The counsellor gave me books to read, in particular True Selves by Chloe Ann Roundsly, and I found that I wasn’t the only trans person in the world, and that many of the others had a similar story. Not only that, but sex change was possible and had been done for years, even in New Zealand.
I joined a cross-dressing group where the organizers held ‘training’ evenings on deportment, dress sense, and makeup. It’s funny to look back on that stage when I was convinced that gender was binary, and I had to do my best to pass as a woman. Another aspect that is more aspie, is the decision that I would stay as the kids’ father. They still call me ‘dad’ to the immense confusion of their friends.
No two trans are the same. Typically most transsexuals are open about themselves during transition but end up keeping things private again later. Somehow, non-transsexuals get caught up in the physical aspects and ask rude questions: have you had surgery? etc. Whereas the change is really about acceptance of one’s self. It is not polite to ask what someone’s status is: post-op, pre-op, whatever. And now there is more awareness of gender fluidity, people ask few questions anyway. I know that my sister-in-law can’t conceive of someone being neither male nor female but somewhere inbetween. For most transsexuals, there is the standard binary gender. But for me, probably the aspie side, I know that genetically I’m not female, so I find it more comfortable to see myself more female than male, while retaining some aspects of both. It is that pragmatism again.
I met other trans people in Wellington by joining a group in order to find out how to do the transition thing. I joined a group in Christchurch, and became good friends with a couple who have since been married. But I never think about going with someone. I was chased by a lesbian woman in Christchurch who wanted to date, and got so frightened by my lack of awareness in how to proceed that I refused to answer my phone to her, and I still wouldn’t have a clue. I’ve only ever had one partner in my life, and am not looking for anything new. Less than 10 per cent of transsexuals ever go back to having a sexual partner apparently, so I knew what I was getting into when I walked out on my marriage. And, like many aspies, I am more comfortable being alone.