5

Understanding Your Own Sexuality

Humans tend to develop an understanding of their sexuality some time after puberty, but for some people they are aware of strong attractions to particular people before that. It can be a confusing issue for some people and completely obvious to other people. For most people it takes a number of years and some sexual encounters (activity) to decide whether they would prefer to be sexually or emotionally involved with a man or a woman or a person whose gender is irrelevant. People on the autism spectrum can find it more difficult to understand their sexuality as it involves not just self-awareness but an understanding of others and how we best interact with and fit in with others.

In some cultures it is not acceptable to have sex outside of marriage. In most Western countries this is not the case anymore. Typically, these same cultures do not accept relationships other than heterosexual ones as equal to heterosexual marriage/relationships, although there are exceptions. In these cultures it can be harder to explore your sexuality or to accept it if it is different from the majority.

While you are learning to understand your sexuality you may start off thinking that you should be like everyone else around you. However, not everyone is the same. You cannot tell someone’s sexuality by looking at them. In high school many high school boys and girls say that they are sexually active in heterosexual relationships. Most of these students are in fact lying. Students say this to look more adult as they think that this can give them status at school. Conversely and confusingly it can also lose them status. Teenage girls who get pregnant and have children while they are still of school age are more likely than their friends, who do not become young mums, to live in poverty and struggle to succeed in life.

Sexual attraction is a complicated thing: you know you are sexually attracted to someone because of the way you feel when you see them or are around them. However, you may feel excited to be around a friend, but not sexually attracted to them. If you like touch, you may want to touch particular people or feel very tingly if they touch you. If you do not like touch, then this would not apply. Sexual attraction is often described as an emotional response people experience when they find someone sexually appealing, where this emotional response leads to a desire for sexual contact with the person. Sexual attraction can be experienced towards any person and any gender, or even towards anything or even a concept. Sexual attraction can be in response to any of the qualities of a person; for example, a person’s physical qualities such as appearance, movement, smell and clothing, or non-physical aspects such as their personality.

Sexual attraction can occur by itself or alongside other desires such as romantic and/or emotional. When someone experiences sexual attraction without emotional or romantic desire, it can result in that person only desiring sex and not a relationship. Sexual attraction is not the same as a sex drive, and you can have no current sexual attractions but still have a high sex drive, or conversely be very sexually attracted to a number of people but have a low sex drive, meaning that you do not want to have lots of sex with all those people who you find desirable. Desire and actioning that desire are two different things. It can be easier for some people on the autism spectrum to understand and experience desire than to work out how to take action to fulfil that desire.

If you have sexual desire but currently have no one to engage in sexual activity with, you may want to try giving yourself sexual pleasure. This is covered in Chapter 16.

In order to understand your sexuality you need to work out when you feel differently about people. When you are with your friends, you probably feel very comfortable and relaxed. When you are around people you don’t like, you may feel tense, stressed and/or anxious. Strangely, when we are sexually attracted to someone we may feel anxious or tense also. Usually this is because we want them to interact with us but we are not sure. If we get to know them this anxiety and tension will ease, whereas the more we know people we don’t like the worse this can get.

Another complication is that sexual identity/orientation is not always fixed for some people and can change over time. For example a teenager may identify as bisexual but as they get older see themselves as heterosexual and then in their mid-30s or 40s they may start to identify as homosexual. This is fine and nothing to be worried about. Equally, it is fine if your sexuality stays the same all your life.

Sexual attraction is thought to have biological, social and psychological aspects. Pheromones are a type of scent-bearing chemical secreted in people’s sweat and other bodily fluids. These are known to play a role in sexual attraction in other animals, and research is ongoing into their role in human sexual attraction. Social norms can influence what a society or culture deems sexually attractive, but they cannot make particular individuals sexually attracted to other specific individuals. For example, in some countries thin women are viewed as more attractive than more curvaceous women, whereas in other cultures the opposite is true.

Research in China (Zhang 2014) found that people with positive personalities are deemed more attractive than people who look exactly the same but are perceived to be less kind or caring. Most people are neither amazingly beautiful nor ugly, they just are. However, if you want to appear attractive to others, the cheapest thing that you can do to help this happen is to be kind and caring!

If you drink alcohol or use drugs, you will be more attracted to people when drunk/high than you would be if you were sober. In addition you may feel more attractive to others when you are drunk/high. In reality, this is the effect of the alcohol and not an actual increase in attractiveness on either side. Most alcohol and drugs have a negative impact on men’s ability to have and sustain an erection, which makes many sexual activities more difficult and/or impossible for men in this state.

What sexual attraction looks like

If you are sexually attracted to someone you usually want to look at them more frequently than you would look at other people. You may like to look at a particular part of them or a particular piece of their clothing, such as a soft sweatshirt that they often wear. You should never take an item of clothing or any belongings from someone without asking their permission. Asking for an item of clothing or a belonging of someone that you are not in a relationship with can be interpreted very negatively by most people, so it is inadvisable to do this.

Often if someone is sexually attracted to you they will look at/make eye contact with you briefly, then turn away and then look back for longer. They may also look at you from head to toe slowly, this is often referred to as undressing someone with their eyes. When people do this they are often imagining what you look like naked, or what it may be like to touch your body. Having someone look at you like this does not mean that they will touch you or try to take your clothes off; it can just be a part of flirting.

People often stand closer to people that they are sexually attracted to – however, this does not mean that the person squished up next to you on the bus or train is sexually attracted to you, it just means the bus or train is full! If you are in a bookshop and looking at books and, when you look up, a particular person is looking at you and then they move closer, this could be them showing they are sexually attracted to you, or it could be that they are a shop assistant and think you need help!

Flirting is what someone does to show someone else that they are sexually attracted to them. However, not everyone who does this actually wants to have a sexual relationship with you. This is because some people just like flirting and in some cultures this is a normal activity that is done just to show someone that you appreciate something about them. Other parts of flirting are ‘chatting you up’, which is where people say particular things that indicate they are sexually attracted to you. These are usually context specific and culturally based. Very few people are obvious, and instead they use ‘subtle’ comments or phrases. It can be seen as rude or inappropriate to come right out and say that you would like to have sex with someone, although this does avoid any misunderstandings!

Ash: In recent years I’ve come to realize a lot of things about my youth. With regard to sex, relationships and boys/men, my inability to speak the social language was even worse than in other areas.

Before puberty, the thought of anything sexual was revolting to me. I actually felt sick if I saw people kissing. From the reaction of my peers I could tell that what I felt was not normal. Around age 12 or 13 I suddenly became very interested in boys. I had one crush after the next – and I was always madly in love and did stupid things to get in contact with the object of my infatuation. And to no avail. In the beginning I wrote love letters: ‘Do you want to go out’ – and the boy always said no. When I was 14 I had a big crush on a boy one year older. I spied on him, rang his doorbell and asked stupid questions when he opened, went past in the morning and asked if we should walk together to school, befriended his brother’s best friend and asked him to ask this guy out for me. And the object of my desire was not interested. At all. He just said no, and politely rejected me. And I just carried on like nothing happened. Meanwhile, my friends started dating boys. My best friend, Ann, always had two or three admirers. She could pick and choose and very often she chose not to. I couldn’t understand it. Nobody ever admired me – I had no offers. We were both good looking, wore the same type of clothes, and there was nothing (that I could see at least) that she had and I didn’t.

Many years later I realized what it was. Ann spoke the social language of flirting: She acted a little bit interested, flirted a little, but not a lot, and when a guy approached her she seemed both interested and not interested – indecisive in fact – this way letting him take the initiative and also making her seem mysterious. I was just very bluntly interested. And I took initiatives when there was someone I was interested in. And it never worked.

I had relationships. Plenty, in fact. Every single one of them based on initiatives from guys I never took an interest in. Suddenly this guy showed up, started chatting and eventually we’d end up together. Most of them nice guys and we had a good time. Almost every time he broke up after a couple months. All the crushes I’ve had never became relationships. And it never occurred to me to change my strategy. In the ‘dating market’, there are some rules of the game, one of them being that girls or women don’t reveal their true intentions, they just act mysterious and indecisive. I didn’t know or understand the rules, so I never played by them. And therefore those boys that I was interested in were not interested in me.

When I was 19 I met S at a party. We talked the whole night and I told him to call me – which he did the following day. We walked for hours and fell in love, were madly in love for two or three months and then broke up. We both married someone else (I married one of those that showed up and started chatting…) and had children, got divorced and met again. And got married five years ago. My relationship with S is special in many ways. We are indeed a very good match. And our relationship is the first which is not based on him chatting me up out of the blue – because he actually had a girlfriend at the time we met – and it is not based on one of my fantasy crushes either. We both have a share in our first encounter, and in fact we both have a share in our reunion and marriage five or six years ago.

People can also wear particular kinds of clothes to signal that they are available for a sexual relationship and this varies according to context, culture and sexuality. Just because a female wears a very short skirt, does not mean that she is interested in having sex! Dressing to indicate sexual attraction is very complex and it is very hard to understand. Generally, if you want to indicate that you are available for a sexual encounter you would dress in a way that gives you confidence and you both look and smell good.

If you are going to a particular type of place or event you need to ensure that you follow the dress code. An example of this is a nightclub that may specify no jeans or trainers, in which case you would need to wear smart casual or smart clothes. Leather clubs may require leather and/or rubber outfits in order to be admitted. For older adults it is less important to wear particular types of clothes and more important to just look clean and tidy.

Some people are particularly interested in dressing up as characters or furries (animal characters), and they meet online or in real life at conventions or private parties. You can choose to dress up completely or to have a more simple costume. Some types of characters are anime, animals or movie characters. There are often specific rules around signalling sexual interest in these communities and they tend to be more open to people asking how to do this or being more blunt and to the point. It would be OK, for example, to ask ‘can I scratch your back’ at a furry event, and then, if the answer is yes, to do so. You could also be open about not having attended this kind of event before and ask what the rules are around interactions both sexual and non-sexual.

Dress codes for S&M (sadomasochistic) clubs and events are generally very strict and involve leather and rubber, and these do not indicate anything other than an interest in S&M. People in this type of environment tend to use explicit and easy-to-understand comments and language so that you will know if someone is sexually attracted to you. However, interest in this environment is often of a short duration and may not be continued beyond that initial encounter. This does not mean that the person does not like you, just that they were only briefly interested.

In some cultures, to show a small amount of skin around the ankle or wrist area is seen as being very sexual. It can be far more sexually attractive to be covered than in skimpy clothing in many places, and certainly warmer in cold climates!

Another complication is that some cultures are very specific about what men and women should wear, and in others people can choose how to dress. Subcultures such as younger adults or particular religions or groups who engage in specific activities can have unwritten dress codes – a dress code is what someone is meant to wear to belong to that group or attend an event. An example is a work uniform, while another example is being naked at a nudist camp.

You can ask some friends what clothes are appropriate for different contexts, but it can be difficult for some parents to discuss this with their adult children. If you do not have anyone in real life that you can ask, you may want to join an online group for adults on the spectrum and ask them what they think. Generally, other adults on the autism spectrum are non-judgemental and accepting of a wide range of genders and sexuality.

Lynne: When I was a young adult, I used to go to nightclubs and I was always really uncomfortable and never knew if people were talking to me just to talk to me or if they were trying to indicate a sexual interest in me. I was really jealous of my gay male friends who would just be really to the point if they were attracted to someone and no one was offended by this. When I tried the same tactic, of saying something like, ‘do you want to have sex with me?’ I was told this was really offensive and I shouldn’t do that. It was so complicated and I was told that the way I dressed in ‘male’ clothing indicated that I would be the person indicating attraction to people I was attracted to. However, I had no idea what my friends were talking about until I read lots of books on the subject. Then I realized that in some subcultures, like lesbians, the way you dress can indicate a whole set of hidden things, like sexual activity preference. For me this was just so weird, because I like to wear things that are comfortable and this overrides any and every other reason to wear particular clothes.

Dave: I found that if I wore clean jeans and a smart polo-shirt or shirt, women were more likely to talk to me than if I had my comfy trackpants on. My friends had talked to me about making sure I was clean and smelt good and I found out that this was really important to most people I met. For a while I used to just spray deodorant on before I went out, but when I started to have a shower and put clean clothes on before meeting people, I noticed that people would stand closer and interact with me for longer. I also got my first girlfriend after I had been doing this for a while. I think it was because it took me a while to feel comfortable in clean clean clothes and my friends said they could see my uncomfortableness and it made other people feel awkward. Once I was comfortable, they were too.

If you want to increase your chances of being found sexually attractive the best things to do are:

Be kind and caring.

Show your sense of humour.

Dress in clean clothes.

Be clean and smell neutral or nice.

Have brushed hair and teeth.

Stand or sit up straight with your arms down (not folded in front of you).

What sexual attraction feels like

If you feel attracted sexually to someone there will often be a physical and/or emotional signal in your body. This can be obvious or more subtle, and will be specific to you as an individual and is often quite different for men and women whether transgender, intersex or biologically male/female.

Men, for example, may have an erection when they are attracted sexually to someone, although not every erection signals this. For example, waking up with an erection is quite normal and does not mean that you are sexually attracted to the person delivering the post who happens to arrive at the same time as you wake up. However, if a man is thinking about a specific person and they experience an erection every time they think about them, a reasonable explanation is that they are sexually attracted to that person.

Both men and women can experience ‘butterflies’, which means a weird feeling in the stomach/chest, when they are sexually attracted to someone. Other common gender neutral feelings are nervousness and/or anxiety around a specific person, thinking about someone for prolonged periods of time and wanting to meet up with and/or impress someone a lot.

Women can experience a sort of tingling sensation and/or they can feel their vagina becoming wet when they are very attracted to someone sexually.

Many people fantasize (think about in a sexual way) someone whom they are sexually attracted to when they masturbate. Masturbation is where you give yourself an orgasm, it usually involves touching your own genitals with your hand, although women may use vibrators or other sex toys instead.

If you are sexually attracted to someone you need to think about how to let them know. It is important to be respectful and try not to make the person feel uncomfortable when you do this. You should never follow someone in the street, for example, as this can frighten people and is illegal if done over a period of time (it is viewed as stalking).

In a bar or a club it can be acceptable to move closer to someone and, if they do not move away, to gently reach out and touch them; for example, on the arm or shoulder. Again if they do not move away then you can assume they are comfortable being close to you. At this point you could ask if you could dance with and/or kiss them. If they say no, this signals that they are not interested and you must respect this. If someone approaches you in this way and you reciprocate their interest, you can touch their back/arms/face when you dance with them or hold them as you both kiss. However, if you are not interested, you can just say no thanks and move away.

However, you should never approach a person who is under the legal age of consent in the country where you live, as in many places this is illegal and this applies even in the context of being online, where the offence is called grooming. If you are under the age of consent (which varies across the world from 14 to 21), you need to be aware that it is illegal for older people to approach you to request a sexual relationship and they would be breaking the law if they did have any sexual contact with you.

In addition, it is very important to understand that you do not have to have a sexual relationship with someone just because they are attracted to you or you to them. Sometimes the people we are attracted to sexually would make terrible relationship partners. We need to be aware of this and know the signs of a good and a bad relationship. Chapter 4 explains how you can tell if someone is a good friend or not, and this is a good place to start. You can also read Chapter 12, which talks about how to know when to end (or not start) a sexual relationship with someone.

However, the most important point is that if someone is negative, unkind or puts you down verbally, ignores you or acts as if you belong to them, this person is not someone that you should get into a relationship with. Many adults on the autism spectrum assume that other people are good and kind, and we believe what they say. Although this is the case for many people, it is not true for everyone. Some people will tell you that you will never find anyone who loves you for who you are, but they will have a relationship with you and you should be grateful. This type of person is not nice. Do not get involved in any kind of relationship with this kind of person.

People who are very controlling of what you can do or wear or say or where you can go or who you can talk to can be very dangerous, and often go on to be violent and aggressive to their partners. You should never have any kind of relationship with this kind of person either, no matter how much they might say that they love you, they do not: they just want to control you. These are early signs of an abusive person and there are a number of others such as coercing (persuading) you to have sex with them, isolating you from other people (family and or friends), intimidating or pressuring you to do what they want, being derogatory and/or physically hurting you. Abusers can be old or young, from any ethnicity and culture and any socio-economic group. They can also be any gender, as can their victims.

Lynne: I met this really beautiful teacher; she was just lovely, with a beautiful smile and intelligence. At the beginning things were fine, but once I moved in to her home, she became very controlling. I had read about and seen things about family/domestic violence on television, but I didn’t know women could be abusive. I knew that if a man ever hit you, you should leave the relationship straight away, but when she hit me and told me it was my fault because I had done something wrong I believed her. Even after my boss asked me how I got my bruises I didn’t realize the relationship was unhealthy and that I should leave. In fact I never left, she got bored of me and threw me out with one small bag of clothes. It wasn’t until my friends found out exactly what she had been doing and saying that I understood it really was not my fault, she was just manipulating and controlling me. I was really lucky that my friends let me live with them for a while or I would have been homeless. I was a nurse, I am intelligent and yet I couldn’t see the signs. I look back and I realize that I just didn’t know that it was an abusive relationship because she kept telling me she loved me, so somehow I just thought that was the important thing and everything else was just how it was.

People on the autism spectrum can be vulnerable to abusers because we don’t always know that it is not OK, or that we have other options, or that we are not such terrible people that it is abuse or being alone. We are different and we may or may not be beautiful or handsome, but we can find friendships and sexual relationships that are positive and healthy and bring us joy, if we start to accept who we are and know that we are worth spending time with and being treated well.

What sexual attraction sounds like

It can be difficult to understand the difference between being given a compliment and someone trying to ‘pick you up’. Pick you up, in this context, means to try to engage in some kind of intimate act with you. One way to try to make sense of this is to look at the context.

In general a compliment will be specifically about something you do or are wearing and a pick up line (comment designed to indicate sexual attraction/interest) will be more around what you look like or may be like in a sexual situation. If you compliment someone, and are not wanting to indicate sexual interest, you need to make sure that you are using polite language and a neutral tone of voice. You can smile in either situation. An example of the difference is shown below:

Compliment – ‘I really like your dress, where did you get it from?’

Pick up line – ‘What a gorgeous dress, you look really sexy in red.’

It is usually inappropriate to engage in explicit sexual conversations in the workplace. Instead people who are sexually attracted to each other will engage in more subtle flirting, which can start with compliments and then become a little more sexual. If you are unsure if someone is interested in you or not, one of the best ways to find out is to ask the person if they would like to go out for a drink with you. If they say yes but then invite a number of other people, this signals that they like you as a friend and are not interested in a sexual/intimate relationship. If they say no, not on that day but how about a different evening, this usually means that they are busy on the requested evening. If, however, the person says yes and does not invite anyone else, they may be interested, and if the evening is enjoyable you could ask them if they would like to go out for dinner with you or go to a movie, as these are common activities for a date. Dates are the getting-to-know-you phase of a relationship that may become sexual/intimate.

If you are alone or with friends in a bar or nightclub type environment, it can be quite anxiety provoking wondering what to do and trying to work out if anyone is going to talk to or otherwise interact with you. It can help your nerves to hold something in your hand – non-alcoholic drinks are just as acceptable as alcoholic drinks. Someone asking you if you would like a drink is ‘chatting you up’, which means that they are indicating that they would like to talk to you and possibly become sexually/intimately involved even if only briefly.

The idea of flirting can make people nervous; if you get nervous don’t forget to stay polite and nice. Being rude is not helpful at all. You need to demonstrate an interest in the other person by asking them questions about themselves and listening to the answers if you are doing this in real life. You could be chatting by text, Facebook messaging or another form of online interaction.

You need to respond to what the person you are flirting with says or types. Flirting also involves being complimentary. Using a personal and relevant compliment is more effective at conveying your interest than a generic compliment, which can be perceived as meaningless. For example, to say ‘you are so handsome’ is not particularly meaningful, whereas to say ‘I love your sense of humour’ is much more personal and therefore more likely to mean something positive to the person.

Some people on the autism spectrum do not notice when people are flirting with them. If you are one of these people, that is fine. You do not have to flirt to make a connection with another person. You can be who you are and express yourself how you normally do, as long as this is respectful. You may want to just tell someone that you would like to get to know them better, or ask them to do a particular activity with you, for example watch a movie or play a game.

Nick: I meet people in Second Life. I don’t have a problem talking to people there because it isn’t really me or them, they can’t judge me because they can’t see how shy or awkward I am, they just see my avatar and that is what they interact with. I have some really good friends in Second Life. One woman and I have been chatting through our avatars for a few years. Our avatars are in a relationship now. This has given me confidence to talk to real women in real life, though I still worry that they will think I am not, I don’t know, not enough.

In some cultures flirting (expressing sexual attraction to someone) is a part of everyday life and is not actually meant to result in anything other than joy and appreciation of the other person. However, in other cultures flirting is seen as highly inappropriate and unacceptable. In Anglo-Saxon and Celtic-based cultures flirting is used to signal sexual attraction and then, if it is responded to, is often the first stage in ‘picking someone up’. This does not mean lifting someone up, but means getting someone to agree to date and/or engage in sexual activity with you.

In cultures where flirting is an acceptable part of everyday life it does occur in the workplace; however, in all other cultures it is inappropriate in the workplace and can lead to harassment charges and/or losing your job. Sexting (sending sexually explicit photos or texts) is not an acceptable way to flirt and in some places is also illegal. If you have been sexted you can choose to block the sender using your phone’s call blocker, or your service provider can block the number for you. If the person has repeatedly contacted you in this way, you may want to contact the police.

Feeling asexual

Some people do not have sexual attraction to or feelings for other people and that is OK. The term for this is asexual. Society provides very mixed messages about sexuality and people can feel pressured to express a sexuality they do not have if they are asexual. On the other hand, some people, such as priests and nuns are expected to be asexual when they may not naturally be so inclined.

Whatever your sexuality, you do not need to express it at all times. For example, it would be inappropriate to talk about sexual things at work unless you work in the sex industry. This is the case even if you are asexual.

If you want a romantic or life partner and are asexual this is perfectly possible, though it can be difficult to work out how to discuss this with potential partners. Some people may still have a preference for a particular gender of partner even if the relationship is asexual and this is fine too. You can find other asexual people online if you want to explore this further in a safe environment. Be aware of cyber safety at all times (see Chapter 9).

Some asexual people are attracted to objects and have sexual feelings, such as having an erection or experiencing wetness in their vagina, when touching or looking at that particular object. This is less well accepted by society as it is not talked about often. This does not mean that it is immoral or wrong, just that many people do not know about or understand this, often because it is not something that they have experienced.

Jenny: I was never very interested in sex and physical intimacy as a teenager. I read in books about how people enjoyed it and were driven by it but I couldn’t really see the point myself.

When I was 16 I had a less-than-consensual sexual experience with an older man. I decided I didn’t like sex with men straight after that and I figured I must be a lesbian. Those were the only available opinions as I saw it. So I identified as a lesbian for a long time but it never seemed quite ‘right’. On the rare occasions I had a girlfriend I was intimidated by the physical intimacy aspect. While women were less challenging as intimate partners than men I still found myself put off by things like kissing as I was repulsed by saliva. I loved being close to a woman in a non-sexual way but sex was something I was happy to avoid. I had a girlfriend for a while who had a history of abuse and also didn’t like physical contact. This would have been perfect but sadly she was not a good match for me emotionally so we split up.

A couple of years ago I heard about asexuality. I hadn’t realized it was a real thing. I started to piece together my experiences and realized that I was probably asexual. This does not mean that I do not like intimacy, just that physical or sexual contact is not something I am interested in. I would love to find an asexual woman to be my emotional, intellectual and spiritual partner. I am only just learning about what is ‘out there’ in terms of asexuality. I am relieved to find that there are other people like me.

Feeling heterosexual

If you feel that you are heterosexual it means you are attracted to people of the opposite gender to you; for example, if you are a man, you are sexually attracted to women. If you are transgender and heterosexual you may have been born a male but be attracted to men because you identify as female. However, unless you appear female to most people, in this instance you may be perceived as homosexual, which may make it harder for you to find a partner.

In most societies the majority of people are heterosexual and most media portrays heterosexual relationships. A traditional family had a heterosexual mother and father and the children were assumed to be heterosexual so that they would go on to reproduce the traditional family model. However, there are more depictions of lesbians and gays in the media, books and movies, and there are families where children are being brought up by two parents who are of the same gender (i.e. both male or both female). If you feel out of place in the company of someone of the opposite gender, this does not necessarily mean that you are not heterosexual; it may just be a part of your social difficulties associated with being on the autism spectrum. Some autistic people who are lesbian or gay are more comfortable around people of the opposite gender because they are not feeling awkward about how to express sexual interest or worrying about how to make new lesbian or gay friends that may or may not help them to meet a (sexual) partner.

As boys grow up, the boys who are gay can often feel more comfortable being around girls than around boys. Likewise, girls who are growing up into lesbian women often feel more comfortable around boys as teenagers and young adults. This is because of the intersection of culture and sexuality. For example, heterosexual men often walk differently to gay men and use a deeper voice when speaking. A young gay adult may feel different from these men and choose to spend time with female friends even though he is sexually more attracted to males.

It can be hard to tell if you want to be friends with people or if you are sexually attracted to people unless you have an awareness of what attraction feels like and possibly sounds like. For many people sexuality is not permanently fixed and can fluctuate so that at times they are heterosexual and at other times bisexual or homosexual. Research has indicated that adults on the autism spectrum are more likely to have a variety of sexual identities than other adults and this may be because we do not understand the social world in the same way as typical people. Many autism spectrum adults will fall in love with or be sexually attracted to a particular person rather than a gender and this is fine.

Tony: Growing up with in a family with lesbian mums, I always thought I was heterosexual. I found girls attractive and thought I wanted a girlfriend. Then, when I started work, I got a girlfriend, but it was really hard work. When I talked to my mum she explained that relationships are hard work, but that the good should outweigh the bad. I am thinking now that the person is more important than the gender; I need to be able to be comfortable with the person as well as all that relationship stuff.

Laura: I just assumed that when I left school I would get married one day and have kids, I never really thought about if it was an option or not. I really love my husband, we met at a games night. He is also an aspie and we just understood each other. I think that we both find each other sexually attractive, but that is not the most important part of our relationship. For me it just felt right to be with my husband, I feel at ease around him and not constantly worrying about what he thinks or what I might have done wrong or anything. It is wonderful to just be accepted for who I am.

Feeling lesbian/gay (homosexual)

Many people who grow up to be lesbian or gay report that as primary/grade-schoolers they had crushes on adults who were the same gender as they were. Crushes are not exactly sexual attraction as they seem to come before a person has fully developed their sexuality, but crushes can signal the direction this might take. Other people report having crushes on their best friend, though it can be hard to distinguish between a crush and an attachment to a best friend unless you have experienced both and could tell them apart.

As an adult you may know that you feel lesbian or gay because stereotypical roles for your gender make no sense to you and you are not particularly interested in reading about or watching heterosexual relationships. Lucy reported that others called her lesbian for many years before she realized that she was, and it was only when others in the English literature class at college talked about the heterosexual relationship between two characters in the novel they were studying, that Lucy understood her lack of interest was characterized by a lack of noticing.

However, many young people and adults on the autism spectrum do not subscribe to stereotypical gender roles, so that alone does not mean that you will be lesbian or gay. For that to be the case, you would also need to be sexually attracted to your own gender. For example, if you thought about who you might like to be in bed with and this was usually a man and you are male, this is a good indication that you might be gay. Another indication for a man would be that he has an erection whenever he is around particular men and he thinks about men when he masturbates.

In some communities and/or cultures there are cultural taboos around homosexuality and this can result in some internalized homophobia (fear/dislike of homosexuals) and/or shame. However, it is widely understood that same-sex attraction exists in many species and is a part of the normal range of sexuality. If you belong to a community that does not accept homosexuality and you think that you might be lesbian or gay, it can be very difficult to talk about in a positive way within your community. In this case it is important to find safe spaces to explore your sexual identity. There are organizations that can support families to come to an acceptance of their family member’s homosexuality; for example, parents and friends of lesbians and gays (PFLAG), which has groups in many parts of the world.

There are also lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI ) helplines and social groups online and in the real world. You can find these through Google searches.

Carl: When I was at high school, I got really interested in men’s bodies – classical Greek sculptures and black and white photos of muscular men. Girls and women just didn’t interest me, whereas I would want to touch men. I never did touch anyone at school because I was afraid of getting even more bullied than I already was. Everyone already thought I was weird and I had heard them use the words homo, gay, faggot with such hatred that I didn’t want this for me. However, once I left school and discovered gay bars and gay books and gay photography clubs it was amazing. OK some gay men still thought I was weird, but mostly I was accepted and I could accept myself as gay. I still love men’s bodies even though I do not have a partner at the moment. I know I am gay because I find men beautiful and women just don’t interest me at all.

Felicity: I can still feel the first time a girl (we were 16) touched my skin, that skin on skin was so amazing. I had never thought about how it would feel to want sex, but when her hand stroked my tummy, it was like my whole body tingled and I just started to ache and ache. I recently read that researchers have found that when a woman is very sexually aroused and has not had sexual release through an orgasm she can get whole body muscle aches and pains, or just in her stomach and vagina and uterus. I had this for the first ten years of my sexually active life. Maybe because of being autistic and being touch sensitive I was more sexually excited than typical people, I don’t know. It was weird though, such pain and such physical longing. Men have never had this effect on me, so that’s how I know I am lesbian.

Feeling pansexual/omnisexual/bisexual

Some people are sexually attracted to particular individuals and not to one gender or the other. This may be because they themselves are of a non-binary gender (neither completely male nor completely female) or because they are more interested in internal characteristics of people than external ones. For example, if personality is far more important to you in a potential partner than whether or not they are female. This is quite common amongst autism spectrum adults, who relate to the social world in a different way from typical people and tend not to value one gender or sexuality/sexual identity above another.

Pansexuals and omnisexuals fall into this category of gender not being important in a future partner, whereas bisexuals are sexually attracted to both males and females. As these sexualities are less visible in society it can be hard to work out if you feel pansexual or bisexual. If you have had some experience of kissing (on the lips) people of both genders, you can reflect on your thoughts about the kissing. Did you feel any differently before, during or after? Did one make you feel more tingly in your body? Did one have very little emotional or physical impact on you? Did one or the other or both have an effect on your genitals? These are the sorts of things that can help you understand your sexual attractions and sexual identity.

James: Growing up, there were gay men on TV and straight people. I didn’t know about bisexuality until I moved to London as a young adult. There was a bi group that used to meet up and I went along one day because I just never felt like I fitted in with gay men or straight men, I never really understood either of them. When I did have a male partner, I also had a female partner and the same the other way round. I liked sex and cuddles with both. As I got older, I was less sex focused and it became more about the person. I still like sex with people but I tend to be in more monogamous relationships now so it is more important that I get on with the person than it was when I was younger and having very short term relationships of a few months or even only a few hours.

Changing your mind

As teenagers grow into adults, sometimes their sexuality changes too. This can be because they were unaware of the options that existed and so had been trying to fit into a category that wasn’t natural for them; or it can be because something different feels right for them now, where it didn’t before. Other people cannot make someone have a particular sexuality – sexuality originates from within us and is a mix of hormones, other brain chemicals and the way we respond to those around us.

If you have been sexually abused or assaulted in your life, it can be very difficult to become comfortable and happy with your sexuality and to express that sexuality. If you are one of these people, then you may have found that you changed your mind about who you would be willing to have a relationship with to try to protect yourself from further hurt.

However, sexuality in itself cannot cause us pain (unless we accept the validity of unkind comments from others), what can and does cause both pain and joy are the relationships we engage in as we learn to express our sexuality in a healthy and positive way. It is OK to change your mind about your sexual identity and relationship status, though you should always try to treat others with respect and kindness, especially when explaining a decrease/change in sexual interest.

Hannah: When I was little, the story books were all about girls growing up, marrying the prince and living happily ever after, so that is what I thought would happen. I always wanted children too and so I figured that this was how that happened. In my family sex and sexuality were never talked about. I didn’t know there were any other ways of being. I got married and had two kids. I love my kids to bits but I was never ‘in love’ with their dad. I just wasn’t interested in sex with him, but that was what I thought wives did. When the kids were about 12 and 14 their dad told me he wanted a divorce and I just said OK. This mum from the kids’ school asked me if I wanted to come to tea at her house while the kids played on the Xbox. I had nothing better to do so I went. She ran a lesbian book club and lent me the book they had just read. I couldn’t believe women could enjoy sex. Even though I was getting divorced from my husband they let me join their book club (I love reading). Over the next year I got to be friends with one of the book club women and sometimes I would go to her house for dinner. When my divorce came through, I had to move out of the house and, because I didn’t work, I didn’t have a lot of money to look for somewhere to live. My ex-husband got nearly everything and I was getting pretty stressed and having a lot of meltdowns. This friend from book club said I could flat with her, so I moved into her house. She had room for the kids too on their weeks with me. I guess it was another year before we kissed, and about two more months before we had sex. It was amazing, like I was alive and all the insides and outside of my body were connected. I was middle aged before I found my comfort zone sexually, and I talk to my kids about their choices, how it is OK to be gay or straight or anything else.

Josh: I was at uni and got drunk one night and kissed my room mate. I had really fancied him for ages, he was just such a nice guy. We were in a relationship for the rest of the year after that, but then I am not sure what happened, but he said sorry he couldn’t be in a relationship with me anymore. He got married about a year later. I chat online with him sometimes and he said that he really did love me and really felt gay, but then he just stopped feeling that way and now he just feels like he is straight. I guess sexuality can be fluid for some people, and for others it is more fixed, and for others they experiment before they figure out what they like. One of my Second Life friends is gay but he tried to be straight for about three years first, but he said it just didn’t feel natural to him. I guess people are complex and sexuality and relationships are just complex.

References

Zhang, Y., Fanchang, K., Zhong, Y. and Kou, H. (2014) ‘Personality manipulations: Do they modulate facial attractiveness ratings?’ Personality and Individual Differences 70, 80-84.