12

Ending Relationships

Not all relationships last for the rest of your life. Both good friendships and relationships can sometimes end due to conflict or difficulties in the relationship. Other relationships are really difficult or too intense and you or the other person may choose to end them as they are more negative than positive. Ending a relationship is often difficult and emotional, but for victims of family/domestic violence it can be a dangerous time. If you are in a violent relationship reach out to a women’s refuge or domestic violence hotline; even if you are not a woman, these organizations will help you.

It is hard to end relationships in a way which ensures that no one is upset or distressed, but it is possible to end relationships respectfully. This opens up the possibility for you to be friends – if not immediately, then at some stage in the future. If your relationship ends and you did not want this to happen, it is OK to be very upset, but it is important to accept that the relationship is over and to realize that in the future you may meet someone who is more suitable and with whom you will have a much more positive relationship.

Ending online relationships

Ending online relationships can be really easy because you do not actually know the person in real life, so it may be as simple as blocking the person from contacting you. However, if you do this to someone they can be left not understanding why you blocked or unfriended them. If this happens to you, it can be quite bewildering and distressing.

It is socially acceptable to block or unfriend someone who has tried to harass or scam you or who has been disrespectful to you or about you. If, however, you have had any kind of positive relationship online with someone and then something happens that means you no longer like them, it is more socially acceptable to contact them privately via private message or email, for example, to say that you would prefer not to interact with them anymore.

There are exceptions to this; for example, if you have a Second Life relationship, you could just stop using that character and then the interactions will naturally cease. Another exception would be when a positive relationship becomes very uncomfortable due to the behaviour of the other person changing significantly, due to them, for example, requesting naked photos or sending you naked photos that you did not want. In this case blocking/unfriending is a good idea. You can also report them to the site owner. If their behaviour is very threatening or aggressive, you may want to notify law enforcement officials/the police too.

Sometimes when you end online relationships, people who know both of you online can ‘take sides’, which means that they decide one person is in the right and the other in the wrong and that they will only stay friends with one of the people. This may or may not happen to you. If lots of people react in a negative way to you because of an online breakup, it can be proactive to leave those groups/sites and join a different group/site. The person you broke up with may change their profile/avatar’s name and try to get into a new relationship with you, so if you think that this might be the case you could block the new person too. Asking someone if they are doing this does not often result in a truthful answer, so there is not really any point in asking the person, though you could ask others who know him/her well.

Ending real-life relationships

In real life, relationships end for a variety of reasons and in a variety of ways; some of these are further explored in the next section. How the relationship ends can affect any future interactions you may have so, if you want to remain friends and/or you have children together, the relationship should be ended in as respectful a way as possible. For younger people or people in a relationship that has not lasted very long, breaking up can be less emotional, although for many people on the autism spectrum a relationship break up, whether non-sexual or sexual, can be very traumatic.

You can choose to end a relationship in person, or electronically – using voice or typed words. Societies typically judge the use of text or email (i.e. written communication) to be a less respectful way to let someone know you want to break up with them. Many people think it is better to break up in person, but this may feel too difficult or place you in danger, so there are many scenarios where sending a text or email to break up with someone is preferable.

Ending work relationships

If you are leaving your workplace, you should always prepare a written letter of resignation and then ask your boss/supervisor for a face-to-face meeting. At this meeting you should state that you are leaving and give them the letter of resignation. If they ask you why you are leaving, ensure that you have a polite and non-judgemental response ready. The reason that you should not say things like ‘because this job stinks’ is because that employer will be asked for a reference on your character and abilities when you apply for other jobs and, if you have offended them, they may be unwilling to recommend you for any other positions.

If you are transferring within the organization that you work or retiring, it is a nice idea to arrange to say goodbye with a small celebration for your current colleagues and boss. If you want to go to a bar/pub with them, then you could suggest that you all meet at a local bar/pub or a particular one that you like. However, if you do not want to do something like this, you can take a cake into work and put a card/note with it to say ‘help yourselves, I’ve enjoyed working with you, but now I’m off to [wherever you are going]’. You can make your own cake or buy one, it doesn’t matter. Doing something small like this can help other people to understand that you have appreciated them as well as showing that you are considerate.

If you are being made redundant, you may or may not want to do anything, and this is understandable and accepted by most people. If a large number of people are being made redundant, there is often an atmosphere of sadness or anger in the workplace in general. If others are being made redundant and you are not, it can be quite awkward as there can be some resentment towards people who have kept their jobs.

If someone else is leaving or transferring, there is sometimes a collection taken up to get the person a gift. Even if you did not like the person, you should put some money into the collection. If you do not, people will assume that you are rude, unkind and inconsiderate. Usually the collection is done using a large envelope and you either write your name on it or cross your name off the list if it is on it, add money and pass it on to someone else. Never pass it on to the person who is leaving because, even if they know that there is a collection for them, it is still supposed to be a surprise.

Other times that people may leave temporarily, such as to have a baby, adopt a child, have major surgery or go into hospital, are also events that sometimes result in a collection to buy a gift for the person. This is not done in the case of redundancy but is for people who retire.

If you are not leaving but you wish to stop being friends with a co-worker this can be very difficult to manage. If the relationship has ended because you both have just stopped talking to each other much but are still polite, neither of you needs to do anything. If, however, you have had an argument and have decided that you really do not like each other, you need to ensure that you are polite, otherwise it can create lots of employment issues and even result in formal reprimands or a loss of employment.

Nina: I have always said that you should be kind to people as you build your career because you never know who you will come across on your way down! Also, when I leave a job, I try really hard to do so on a positive note. There is a saying that you should never burn your bridges, which in this case means making sure no one thinks badly of you when you leave, in case you ever need to go back and work there in the future. We never know what the future brings and people talk to each other about others, so there is a good chance your new boss will know your old boss.

Not all work relationships are difficult and it is possible to try to ensure that your work relationships are as positive as possible. The following guidelines could be useful if you want to ensure you get on with people at work:

Be polite and use a calm tone of voice and try to make sure you do not appear to be shouting.

Use people’s correct names or forms of address (i.e. Mr Jones, Sir, Colonel Jones, Ms Black, Ma’am, Jo, etc.).

Greet people with a smile, and the first time you meet people in a new workplace shake hands as you greet them by saying ‘Hi, I’m [your name], I just started working here.’

Sit near your co-workers on breaks or tell them that you are just going for a walk to get some fresh air.

Stay calm at work. If you need to vent or let out some emotions, go to the toilet/bathroom – not to do anything in particular, just because this is a socially acceptable reason to take a short break away from other people. The walk to and from there will often be long enough for you to calm down again enough that you can manage the rest of the work day.

Ending friendships

Not all friendships are positive or healthy; some are toxic and abusive, while others just drift apart over time. Friendships mean different things to different people and, though some last a lifetime, this is less common than it was in stable and static communities. Society is more diverse and complex now, and the roles that people have within society are less stable than in years gone by. For example, it is now thought that most people will have at least 17 jobs in their working life, whereas in years gone by people worked in one company often at the same job, for their whole working life.

As people get older their interests and passions can change, you may or may not change, but most people who are not on the autism spectrum can change significantly. People who became friends at school may find that they just have nothing in common and no longer want to spend any time together. Usually this type of ending is gradual and happens with no formalities or external acknowledgement of the end of the friendship.

Sometimes when friends enter into new sexual relationships or start new jobs, all their energy is focused on that area of their life for a while. In these situations the friendship may or may not survive, or be wanted any longer. Again these endings tend to just happen and you might be left wondering if you did anything wrong. It is highly unlikely that you did, it is just that some people do not have enough time or emotional energy for more than one or two things/people in their lives.

However, some people turn out not to have been your friend at all, they were just pretending for their own benefit. See the section on emotional blackmail in Chapter 12 for further details on these sorts of people. If you realize that the person was not really your friend, you may choose not to have anything to do with them ever again, or you may choose to let them know that you no longer want to be friends. You can do this via text or email or on the phone. It is not sensible to do this in person as it could place you in danger.

Sadly some people who are friends become addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling or other things, and it can be very hard to remain friends with an addict. This is because the addiction drives all the addicts’ desires and behaviour, and they stop being the person who you became friends with and become enslaved in their addiction. If they do want to beat their addiction and seek support to do so, it is much easier to remain friends, but if not it can be impossible. Addicts can steal from their friends and lie to them as they seek out the means to satisfy their addiction. In these cases, it is likely that your friend will just stop contacting you except to ask to borrow money (which they are highly unlikely ever to pay back). It is important that you do not loan or give them money as you are enabling them to continue their addiction. It is fine to buy them a meal or a hot drink, but you may want to do this away from your home so that they are not given the opportunity to steal any of your belongings.

Many people believe in a social hierarchy and this can sometimes end friendships too. When a friend gets a big promotion or wins a lot of money, they can sometimes decide that you are not suitable as a friend. They may start to behave unkindly or inconsiderately towards you, or they may just stop contacting you at all.

These are the easy-to-end relationships because it is clear that the relationship is over; however, in some cases it is much harder to work out whether your relationship is positive and healthy or unhealthy. In these cases, the first thing that you need to do is objectively evaluate your friendship, which can be both easy and difficult. It is important to try not to get fixated on all the tiny details but to come to an overall evaluation.

The following set of questions will help you decide whether your relationship needs to end or if it could work well:

Evaluate – are you unsure because of one incident or lots?

If you have disagreements/arguments, are these because you both disagree with each other or because you refuse to agree on things?

Does what you argue about mean more to you than your friend? For example, if you argue about something that is a fundamental belief to one of you, can you resolve your differences and get along or not?

What does it mean to you to be around the person – are you more or less anxious around them? Do you find yourself more or less happy/sad/frustrated after spending time with them?

How do you feel when you want to spend time or chat with your friend but they are not available? What do you think and feel about the reasons they give you?

Are they manipulative or abusive to you or anyone else?

Do you share any interests or enjoy doing anything together?

When you have completed your evaluation, you should be able to tell if your friendship is good and worth working on or if you need to end the friendship. If you decide to stop being friends, it is OK to just stop interacting with the person, or you could let them know that you feel that you are not able to be friends with them anymore.

Sometimes, it is possible that you treat a friend badly or are manipulative towards them. This is not acceptable behaviour and you should ask yourself why you are behaving in that way. What is it that you want out of life and how could you go about that more constructively? If you are more negative to someone than positive, you are not being their friend and you should either stop behaving in that way or stop contacting them.

Another issue that is quite common for autism spectrum adults is that other people can misinterpret behaviours including communication being misunderstood and make assumptions about the intent behind actions, etc. The ways that neurodiverse adults make and sustain friendships can be quite different to typical adults, and the ways they communicate can also be quite different. Most typical adult friendships are based on spending time together, and this may or may not involve a shared activity. Many typical friendships involve a lot of communication, often including gossiping/chatting about other people that the friends both know. In contrast, many autism spectrum friendships are based around a shared interest or commonality and most interactions are grounded in that interest or commonality.

Typical friends expect there to be a large element of emotional reciprocity, meaning that they expect you to share your life events and emotional states with them regularly and they expect you to be interested in their life and emotions. Interest includes sympathy and empathy as well as emotional support. Practical support may or may not be expected, whereas most neurodiverse friends prefer to offer practical support. Good friends may feel that it is OK to wake each other up in the middle of the night if they are very distressed, whereas this is definitely not OK for other friends.

Many people on the autism spectrum are assumed to be too intense or alternatively too detached, and many behaviours reinforce these views. For example, texting a person more than four or five times a day can be interpreted as too intense, but not phoning more than once a month can be viewed as too detached. It is important to let people know if you are not sure how much contact they are comfortable with, as it can be too complicated to work out before annoying the person so much that they decide that they do not want to be friends with you!

Adam: When I meet a new friend I want to text them all the time. Every time I think of something that I want to share, I type out a text and hit send. I was about 24 and someone told me that they found it really annoying to be constantly interrupted by my texts. After I thought about it for a few months, I figured out that maybe that was why so many people that I thought were friends would avoid contact with me after a few weeks. I asked that person if this could be the case and they said ‘yes, if you keep on texting, people either figure you are crazy, stalking them or that you are too high maintenance for them’. I wasn’t sure what high maintenance was, but I didn’t want to look stupid so I asked my brother and he said that it meant that the other person thought I would be too intense and too much hard work to bother with. I don’t get why no one had said that to me before and my brother said that people probably didn’t want to upset me, especially if they thought I was a crazy stalker!

The rigid autistic thinking style can be hard for typical people to understand and they can sometimes think that you are being difficult or just wanting to boss them around. If you want to stay friends with typical people, it can help to explain why you are asking for particular things without using your autism spectrum diagnosis as an excuse.

Nick: I hate being late to get anywhere and I get really anxious if I am going to be late. When I tried to tell my flatmate, who is my best friend, that this was really upsetting me because of my autism, she said I was just using an excuse and I should just ‘chill out’. She got really angry and frustrated with me for keep nagging her. In the end I looked up some videos on YouTube about anxiety and asked her to watch them with me, and I explained how I felt so anxious just with the idea we might be late, and then I got more anxious because I knew I was making her annoyed by asking her to hurry up, but I couldn’t ‘chill out’ because I was already anxious. She was quite interested in anxiety and now she says ‘I’m not ready yet, I know you are anxious, but it’s not the end of the world if we are late,’ which helps a bit.

Literal use of language can also be challenging for typical people who, although they may appreciate the honesty of autism spectrum adults, can also find it emotionally difficult. Unless you know someone really well or are really very good friends with them, it can be hard to navigate how to respond to some questions without upsetting your friends. In addition typical people can spend quite some time on smalltalk/social exchanges before they will talk about anything indepth or interesting, whereas autism spectrum adults tend to skip all the smalltalk and get straight to the point, which can make typical people feel uncomfortable.

Another problem that can occur is that some people may say mean things (true or untrue) about other people, but then become angry with you if you say other true things about the same person.

Lucy: My friend has a difficult time with his family; they don’t understand him or his Asperger’s at all. They can be quite unkind, except for his sister. His sister is quite nice and we started to be friends, but then one day after she had been saying how unkind their dad was to my friend and I agreed and explained something I had seen him do that was really mean, she got really angry with me and won’t talk to me anymore. She said that only family members could talk negatively about the family and I shouldn’t do that. It makes no sense to me at all.

If a typical friend asks your opinion on any aspect of their appearance, they are rarely seeking a truthful answer, which is confusing for those on the autism spectrum and can lead to friendships ending if problems around this happen frequently.

Claire: When I go shopping with my mum, if she asks me if I like a dress on her I can just be honest, she wants me to do that and it is easy, I don’t have to think about it. But…when I go with my partner, if she says, ‘does this shirt look good on me?’ and I answer honestly she can get really upset, so I try not to answer at all until I can remember what I have read online about how to answer these kinds of questions. Apparently if I say it looks bad, my partner is hearing YOU look bad…and they say aspies are literal! Honestly, I am saying the shirt is ugly or doesn’t fit right, NOT you look ugly – she is beautiful.

Typical people may be happy to spend time involved in your special interest, or they may prefer not to. They may expect you to do things with them that you find uncomfortable and, unless you tell them that you don’t want to and explain why, they may assume you no longer want to be friends if you don’t attend these things with them.

James: I sat next to this girl at uni, she kept asking me to go to parties or out for pizza with her and some other people. I hate pizza and I don’t like parties so I just said no or didn’t turn up when she asked me to. After a few weeks she moved seats and stopped talking to me, which was sad because I really liked her. She was really nice. Now I know that I could have saved the friendship by telling her that I hate pizza and parties and thanking her for the invitation, or telling her ‘thanks but I can’t make it’.

However, there are people who will like you for who you are and for whom you do not have to make excuses or explain yourself. These people will make great friends. If you argue with this kind of friend, it will be OK to ask what you did that upset or made them angry and ask how you can fix it. For people who only like you when you seem typical, trust, honesty and openness are less likely to happen. Many autism spectrum adults can feel that they are being criticized or told off when their friends are just making conversation with them. It can help to ask others what they think about what your friend said if you do not want to ask your friend. However, a friend who truly accepts you for who you are will be fine with you asking what they really meant.

When a friend criticizes, they can be trying to be constructive and this can be very difficult for some adults on the autism spectrum to accept, in the same way that it can be hard for these same adults to understand why a friend is hurt by an honest response to a question. Although all people experience emotions, the way these are experienced and the influence they have over actions seems to be quite different for typical people and neurodiverse people, and this can impact friendships and relationships when there is a lack of understanding of each other.

Ending sexual relationships

A brief sexual encounter does not require a formal ending, it may happen and then it is over, there is no need for any declaration that it is over. Sometimes people will say that they will contact you after having sex with you, but this does not always mean that they actually will contact you. It seems to be a socially acceptable way to exit a situation without hurting anyone’s feelings. Except that if you do not know this, your feelings are likely to get hurt. It is more honest and upfront to say, ‘thanks, that was nice, bye’.

Di: I like having one night stands or casual sex with guys I just met, because once it is over and we both feel great I can just leave, no need for interactions or anything. We both get the sexual pleasure and I don’t have to be social and they don’t have to bother with any of that ‘I’ll call you’ rubbish. I honestly used to sit by the phone waiting when a guy had said that to me when I was in my 20s.

Any other sexual relationship that has been ongoing (twice or more) may need to be more explicitly ended. You should choose how to do this by thinking about where, when and how it would be least hurtful for the other person. You may choose to end it because you do not particularly enjoy the sexual activity with that person or you just do not want to have a longer-term relationship. Both of these reasons are fine, but there is no need to upset or be unkind to the other person in order to end the relationship.

Sometimes the person will want to break up with you (end the relationship) and it could be for any number of reasons, including social or sexual incompatibility. When people are socially incompatible, it means that they do not feel comfortable around each other by themselves or in wider social networks. Sexual incompatibility means that the people do not share the same sexual desires and/or that their sexual activity together was not particularly pleasurable. For some people in long-term relationships, their friendship is far more important than their sexual relationship, but in other cases the sexual activity is the primary reason for the relationship.

Some people will be fine with a text or email saying something like ‘thanks for the fun’, but others will be upset by that. There is no good or perfect way to end any relationship and how you or they end the relationship will depend on many contextual factors such as if you are friends as well, or if you were involved in a purely sexual relationship. If you were friends with benefits, it might be that one of you has met someone who you want to be romantically/sexually involved with and, in talking about the new person, the implicit message is that you can no longer be sexually involved but that your friendship is fine.

Ending marriages/civil unions/civil partnerships

When you are in a legally recognized relationship, such as a marriage, civil union or civil partnership, there are a number of steps that must be taken to completely end the relationship. These steps vary from country to country to sometimes differ according to the type of relationship. It is important to get independent legal advice around ending this kind of relationship to ensure that you are able to access things to which you have a legal right.

If there are children and custody issues involved, you may also like to contact an autism advocacy agency to get some support on how best to deal with the issues involved. Some countries have traditionally had a very negative view of the ability of adults on the autism spectrum to be effective and good parents, but this is changing to a more nuanced and realistic viewpoint.

Legal advice can be obtained for free or minimal cost in most countries and often the first appointment with a fee paying service is free. Be sure to check this before you go to the appointment if you are concerned about the cost.

Ending legal relationships can be very stressful, time- and energy-consuming. Some couples manage to end things amicably and sensibly, while others can become quite vicious and horrendous. Just because your partner says they will be amicable, does not mean you do not need legal advice.

Lucy: When my ex-husband and I were getting divorced he said he would be reasonable and that we could file for a no fault divorce and just split stuff up by who it was meaningful for or who paid for it. But then his work colleagues kept telling him to take everything. Because he asked me to leave the house and I did, I lost a legal right to the house. And then he said he wanted to file for a fault divorce, which is where the ‘other people’ involved get named too. This really annoyed me, because he had been having other relationships too, not just me, and his colleagues didn’t know about his, just mine. I stayed very logical about it all, I didn’t get vindictive or anything but I just pointed out that if my ‘others’ were named, then so would his be and he might find that embarrassing. He finally agreed but then refused to pay anything towards the divorce, even though he was earning money and I was at uni and had no income except for my part time odd jobs. I paid for it and, because I couldn’t afford a lawyer and I didn’t know about the free or low cost law services, I lost everything except my clothes and teddies and books, because I had taken those when I moved out.

John: My ex-wife wanted everything, she was entitled to half but not of my pension or stuff. Her lawyer kept sending these letters with demands and it took forever to agree. In the end I just said I was over the stress and I didn’t care anymore. My lawyer made me sign a piece of paper to say I had ignored his legal advice and was giving up too much, but I just wanted it over. My mental health was worth more than the cost to replace lost things.