6

Understanding the Sexuality of Others

Although it is not usually possible to work out the sexuality of another person just by looking at them, there are a number of contextual clues to work out if their sexuality is compatible with yours. If you are not interested in having a sexual relationship with someone, it is considered quite rude to ask them questions about their sexuality. If you are interested in a sexual relationship of any kind with another person it can avoid awkward conversations if you are sure they have a compatible sexuality.

For example, a lesbian is not going to want to have a sexual relationship with a male, a heterosexual male is not going to want to have a sexual relationship with another male. Some heterosexual men can become violent if approached in a sexual manner by another man. If you think you are a gay man, try to get to know other gay men in places where people are open about their sexuality. Confusingly, some people will describe themselves as heterosexual but engage in short-term homosexual relationships. This may be because they feel uncomfortable describing themselves as anything except heterosexual or it may be that they are just experimenting.

The workplace is not a safe place to try to find out others’ sexuality as it can be perceived as harassment or bullying and can lead to you being fired. In other contexts, the biggest clue to someone’s sexuality is their environment. For example, if you are female and you go to a women-only bar, the likelihood is that most women in the bar are either lesbian or bisexual/pansexual or omnisexual. However, if you go to a typical neighbourhood bar, most of the men and women in the bar will be heterosexual. It can be very dangerous for men and women to try to start a sexual relationship with someone of their own gender in this kind of environment. In addition, alcohol can make it more difficult to get to know someone and to remove oneself from an unsafe situation if this becomes necessary.

Transgender and intersex adults can also be victims of prejudice and stigma in public areas and sadly can be threatened with or become victims of violence if their aggressors are in a group and/or have had a lot of alcohol and/or drugs. It is not possible to tell if someone is transgender or intersex from looking at them, which means that they need to decide if and when to tell people. When they do tell people, they can experience a variety of reactions. It is important to understand that negative reactions are due to bigotry to not any inherent problem with being transgender or intersex.

On online dating sites people can lie about their gender and/or sexuality as well as other personal details. Some people do this to amuse themselves and others do it to lure people into unsafe situations where they can take advantage of them through sexual assaults and/or rape. It is very important to make sure that you practise cyber safety at all times and that when you meet someone in real life with whom you have been ‘chatting’ online before, that you make sure to let other people know where you are going, who you are meeting and when so that, if there is a problem, the other people can let the police know these details. For more information on this topic see cyber safety and dating safety tips in Chapter 9.

Marg: I went through this highly sexualized phase when I was about 20, having sex with any woman that asked, because I just loved the way orgasms made me feel and connected me to myself and centred me. It was like the best self-regulation strategy I had found. I met most people through online lesbian dating sites and what I found most amazing was that 90% of the women were married to men and just wanted a bit of fun when their husbands were out at work. This suited me because I didn’t want to live with anyone or have to chat on the phone with anyone over and over – I just wanted sex. I figured sex with women would be much safer than with men, but I still told my friend where I was going and asked her to ring me within three hours of my arrival at the address to check I was OK. She had instructions to call the police if I did not respond to the phone call. One time I had to answer in the middle of sex because I was worried if I didn’t we would be naked and the police would arrive to see if I had been axe-murdered!