If the truth will make you free, how much more will a lie keep you in bondage? Less than half of all American high school students have had sex by the time they graduate, but two-thirds of those wish they had waited.1
One of the most frequently heard and hardest lies to be set free from is “Knowing what I know now, if I had to do it all over again, I’d still be a virgin … but I’ve already done it, so it’s too late for me.” This is one lie in truth’s clothing that keeps many of your friends (and maybe even you) from one of the most important decisions you will ever make.
If you hear that voice in the back of your head saying, “There is no way I can start all over again—are you kidding? What will my friends think and what am I going to tell them?” … you are not alone. I don’t care what you’ve done before—what you did, where you did it, how you did it, how many times you did it, with whom and how many people you did it—I care about the decisions you’re going to make today, and what you’re going to do with those decisions from now until you say “I do.”
The Naked Truth is that it’s never too late to start making the right decisions. Granted, you will never be able to get your virginity back physically, but you can regain it emotionally, psychologically, relationally and spiritually.
The Naked Truth is that it’s never too late to start making the right decisions.
If you’ve already engaged in sexual activity, there are a couple of things that you need to do if you want to live an abstinent lifestyle. The first is to stop having sex. Hello! I know that sounds really obvious, but it’s better to state the obvious than be unclear.
Weaning yourself off of sex is ridiculous. It won’t work. Clearly, more than one person is involved in sex, so you need to be prepared for the reaction of that special someone when you break it to them that you’ve decided to lock up the goods. Decide now that you’ll go cold turkey no matter the response from your significant other, because I guarantee that tapering off is about as effective as “I’ll start my diet tomorrow.” You have to make the decision to stop having sex—getting a consensus on the matter will most likely end in frustration. The person you’ve been having sex with will probably react in one of three ways:
1. I just don’t see how we can be together, so … see ya. Of course this will come after they give you some feeble attempt to talk you out of your decision, but ultimately they will be gone—and without the goodies. As long as you don’t compromise, this person will expose himself or herself for who he or she really is. After all is said and done, you’ll know that what he or she wanted most was sex, not genuine friendship.
2. A challenge! This is going to be fun. This person may try to seduce you with an array of different tactics—from outright seduction to guilt and manipulation, such as, “Why is sex such a big deal all of the sudden?” or “If you really love me you wouldn’t do this to our relationship.” Blah, blah, blah, blah. Stay strong. No ringy, no dingy.
3. But if the person really loves you and values your friendship, he or she will respect your decision and support you in this new transition. Surprisingly enough, the other party is often relieved because he or she desired the same thing deep down inside but was afraid to share it. Both individuals often find that their relationship becomes deeper and more transparent once sex is eliminated from the equation.
Once you make the decision to live an abstinent lifestyle, you need to start looking at the people you’re hanging with and decide whether or not these base creatures are really your friends. What is their conversation like? What is their attitude toward sex? How do they feel about abstinence? You probably already know the answer to these questions. If you know they have your back, these are true friends. If not, you have to start making new friends who have the same values and goals that you have adopted. After all, you will become the company you keep. As my grandmother used to say, “Birds of a feather …” Well, you know the rest.
The Naked Truth is that good decisions for the future do not erase the bad consequences of the past.
After you make the decision to stop having sex, the second thing you need to do is get tested! The Naked Truth is that good decisions for the future do not erase the bad consequences of the past. In getting tested, you may find out that you are pregnant or have a sexually transmitted disease. (By the way, if you test negative for STDs, you need to get tested again at a later date, because many STDs—like HIV—may not show up until much later, even if you have been abstinent.) If you have been victimized by some of America’s Most Unwanted, it’s not the end of the world. Many STDs are curable, and there are treatments available for the ones that aren’t that can help you live a full and healthy abstinent lifestyle.
The third thing you need to do is start making better decisions. This starts with setting up boundaries, as we discussed earlier. Make a plan for what you will do if you find yourself in a difficult situation. If you want to use your family as an excuse, do it. Until I was older and bolder in my convictions, I always used my mother and brothers as my reason to say no. I had four extremely large older brothers—all over six feet and more than 200 pounds each—and a mother who carried a gun in her purse, fo’ real! I had fun thinking up crazy scenarios about what they would do to anyone who even suggested something out of line, and then shared those mental pictures with anyone who tried to pressure me. (And really, anything I could dream up wasn’t too far outside the realm of possibility.)
Some things are just common sense. I have come to believe that common sense is not very common, but there are a few things that everybody needs to figure out. Let me give you a common sense heads up:
Thinking about having a guest over when your parents aren’t home, particularly a guest of the opposite sex? Not! Everybody knows that the couch has a horizontal gravitational pull—it’s scientific.
Or maybe your parents are home, but your guest has been escorted to your bedroom with the door closed. Have you lost your mind? This goes back to the issue of character and what you do behind closed doors. My momma once told me, “Never let yourself be caught in a conversation or situation that you wouldn’t want to be interrupted in.”
My momma once told me, Never let yourself be caught in a conversation or situation that you wouldn ’t want to be interrupted in.
How about this oldie but goodie: curfew. I used to hear my aunt tell my cousin (as she was on her way out the door on a date) to be home on time “because there is nothing open after midnight except for legs.” (I think I was 13 when I figured out what this meant.) When I was living at home, my parents set my curfew according to my age:
• Elementary school: Be inside when the street lights come on.
• Middle school: You best be in by 9 P.M.
• High school: In before 10 on a school night, 11 on weekends, and if there’s a school-sanctioned event (like prom), then we’ll negotiate.
When I went away to college, I realized that I could finally set my own curfew. But wouldn’t you know—when you train a child in the way she should go, she doesn’t depart from it. At least I didn’t. My roommate and I set and enforced our own curfew. We decided that if we had male friends over, they had to be gone by a certain time, and we had a code for the other to ask our guest to leave if he didn’t get the hint the first time. There are certain boundaries that you must draw if you want to make good decisions.
You may still believe that once you’ve crossed the line, it’s unrealistic to turn back. If so, I’d like to reintroduce you to a few friends of mine, friends that you met in previous chapters. I knew some of them before they made the decision to abstain, and I met some of them after they were already living the abstinent lifestyle. But I’ll tell you this: When I hear them share their stories about their lives before making this decision … I kid you not, I always think they must be talking about somebody else! They have transformed into entirely different people. But don’t take my word for it—you can decide for yourself:
Barb was about to get married when she decided to get tested for STDs to put her mind at ease. That’s when she found out she was HIV-positive and had between two weeks and one year to live.
When she tearfully told her husband-to-be the news, he said, “I have already committed in my heart to marrying you, and I will not go back on that commitment.” That was in 1993. In the fall of 2003, Rick and Barb Wise celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary. Though they maintain some sexual restrictions (one being that they do not have children), they continue to enjoy a great life together.
By the age of 29, Luis had three kids with three different women, had killed two babies through abortion and was paying child support. That’s when he knew he had to change.
One afternoon in his apartment, something came over him. “I didn’t know what it was in that moment, but looking back now, I know it was the Holy Spirit,” Luis says.
I decided to say, Lord forgive me. Whatever I need to do, I’ll do it, but help me. I grabbed a Bible that was sitting nearby and it opened to Galatians 5, which talks about the fruit of the Spirit. I read the words “Those that practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.” I got scared. Then I started praying more, crying more, and then opened the Bible again, this time to Deuteronomy 28, which talks about the things that happen when you do good and the things that happen when you do bad. So I closed the Bible again and cried and prayed some more, and then opened it to Ecclesiastes 9:7, which says, “Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do.” And I did. I went to sleep in peace, and I started going to church every day.
Eventually, I had the invitation to become an abstinence speaker. Through the experience, I realized how low I had gotten, but on the other hand, how great is our God.
After being raped by a stranger at 15 years old, Tammi began partying and dating and sleeping with every guy she met, hoping for a real relationship. Eventually, she contracted an STD and became suicidal. In college, she hit rock bottom.
Well, the story doesn’t end there. She says, “I remember going back to my dorm room and sitting on the edge of my bed and thinking, ‘Is this my life? I have not achieved my goals; I have an STD and a bad reputation. I want things to change.’ I remembered a woman I had met who had invited me to a Bible study. The topic that night was on sex and dating from a Christian perspective. That’s where I learned that the Bible says to wait for marriage to have sex, and even if you have had sex you can choose secondary virginity. I knew I needed this.” Tammi goes on:
At 22, I began to practice a life of abstinence, and I began to see who I really was. I started to put my best foot forward. On dates, we’d go out for a pizza and movie and maybe hold hands. Not only was it fun, but at the end of the night you felt good about yourself, instead of trashy, used or abused. And guess what—they call you again! I ended up meeting my husband when I was 26, and though he had had sex in the past, he was abstinent for six years before we got married.
It was exciting to meet my husband and practice abstinence. He fell in love with me. Holding hands was exciting. Kissing was exciting. Having sex after we were married was exciting. And the whole time, I was confident that he fell in love with me, just me, everything about me—my quirks, my faults, the good things about me—and that brought confidence to me. I regained my self-respect, my dignity, my usefulness and the joy that I had lost in the past. Had I not chosen abstinence, I don’t think I would have met my husband. I don’t think I would be the person I am today, the person who knows who she is, has self respect, has dignity and can walk around with my head held high.
The choice to practice secondary virginity was a turning point for me. I feel like if I hadn’t done that, I would have continued to have premarital sex and possibly get more sexually transmitted diseases. I could have contracted AIDS or gotten pregnant. I’m scared to think of the way I would be if I hadn’t turned my life around at that point.
My life today is fabulous in so many different ways, and a lot of it is because of the choice I made when I was 22. I’ve been married for nine years, and we have four children. I’m confident that my husband loves me no matter what, no matter what I look like, no matter what we’re going through. The truth is that there’s more to life than just sex. We’re happily married, our kids are wonderful, and it’s greatly due to my decision to choose abstinence that I can be as confident as I am.
The person with an argument is always at the mercy of the person with an experience—especially an experience that has produced change. Those are my friends!
Many have said that to wait until marriage for sex is unrealistic and impossible … but I did it. In much the same way, my friends are a testament that it is never too late to start making good decisions. They didn’t sugarcoat the past, gloss it over, justify it or glamorize it to make themselves look good. They called it what it was (sin), they repented of it and they chose to live healthy, good and worthy lives. They found the strength, courage and wisdom to break free from the father of lies and found The Naked Truth. Won’t you consider breaking your bonds and running for freedom?
• Are there any areas in your life where you’re buying into the lie that “It’s too late for me”?
• What changes do you need to make in your life to embrace The Naked Truth that it’s never too late for you?
• Who do you know that needs to hear the truth that it’s not too late? What’s stopping you from speaking those words into someone else’s life?