People sometimes ask me why I feel this way
And for the life of me I can never think of what to say.
It can be mistaken for a feeling of sadness, but this couldn’t be less true,
Although, don’t get me wrong, I can feel sad too.
I can even feel streaks of happiness run through my mind
But it’s always the clarity I can never seem to find.
Like an emotionless fog running through my head space,
Always keeping me in exactly the same place,
An intense crippling timeless dimension
Where everything I do requires constant attention.
It sounds crazy, but the biggest struggle for me is getting out of bed –
It’s never out of laziness; it’s pure dread for the day ahead.
An ongoing battle which continuously waits at my feet,
The same one as yesterday I crawled my way through to defeat.
The only escape I encounter is when I’m sleeping
Yet so often I still feel the depression slowly creep in.
I can occasionally be persuaded to venture out for a walk
But I pray I don’t bump into anyone and have to talk.
Sometimes I catch familiar faces I haven’t seen in a while
But I never set loose the truth, I just stand there and smile.
I do wonder if they can ever tell,
Then again I know my mask hides me well. 75
My home is now my safe place; I feel somewhat secure.
Nowadays I never really feel curious as to what’s outside the door.
I don’t seem to hold a connection to the world anymore…
When I am in my moments of darkness
I always remember that time moves on regardless.
I know this present moment won’t last after today
And maybe, just maybe, one day I will feel okay.