chapter eight
screen time and
shyness
Now you understand the five A+ skills your child needs to succeed relationally: affection, appreciation, anger management, apology, and attention. In this next section of the book, we are going to answer those nagging questions many parents have expressed about the impact of screen time on family life.
Seated next to other parents, Nikki pulled out a magazine from her purse to read while waiting for her daughter to finish ballet practice. Before reading, she decided to introduce herself to the mom next to her.
“Hi, I’m Nikki. What’s your name?”
“Oh, nice to meet you,” said the other lady who was sitting next to a boy who looked about ten. “I’m Grace, and this is my son, Peter.” She gestured toward Peter and turned toward him. “Peter, this is Miss Nikki.”
Peter continued to look down at his video game. His mother’s words didn’t faze him. After pausing a moment, his mom said sheepishly, “Sorry about that. Peter is very shy. He’s always been that way.”
Although Peter was adept at making friends at school and had no trouble giving presentations in his fourth grade class, he had always acted shy with adults. His mother had never forced him to engage with her friends because she thought Peter was timid and would eventually come around on his own.
Kids like Peter can easily hide behind electronic screens to avoid interactions with others that seem unpleasant or unnecessary. Studies show increasing numbers of young people who report being shy. Many experts believe this rising number is partially due to the social isolation that comes with being digitally connected. Video games, searching websites, emailing, texting, and instant messaging are done alone, in private, without looking at anyone else. Plugged-in kids aren’t getting as much experience with nonverbal communication and face-to-face interaction.
In one study, about half of the kids in America described themselves as being shy, but only 12 percent of those surveyed met the criteria for social phobia.1 Most of the kids surveyed are like Peter; they are not truly shy. They can be taught to interface with others with relative ease if we can just get them to put down their screens.
shyness: what it is and what it isn’t
When referring to shyness, we are talking about a child who is nervous and uncomfortable meeting and talking to people. Shy children don’t adapt as well as their peers in the classroom or playground because they are timid in the company of others. The longer a child practices the pattern of avoiding new people and withdrawing from social settings, the more of a hindrance this will be in adult life.
However, do not confuse being shy with being quiet. If one of your children is the life of the party, but the other one hardly says a word in public, it doesn’t mean your quieter child is shy. Outgoing, extroverted, talkative children are the objects of much praise. But quieter, introverted children bring strengths such as being great listeners and analytic thinkers.
If you are wondering what is healthy and what is unhealthy when it comes to a child who is quiet and reserved, consider these characteristics:
| healthy | unhealthy |
| Makes eye contact with others | Avoids eye contact with others |
| Polite | Rude, unresponsive |
| Content | Dissatisfied |
| Generally exhibits good behavior | Has behavior problems |
| People are comfortable with him | People are not comfortable with him |
Don’t think of your child as shy just because he is quiet. Maybe he won’t raise his hand in class, but he’ll discuss a subject in a small group. It’s okay if your child is more reserved than others. And even if your child is nervous and afraid of people and new situations, avoid labeling him as shy.
When a child hears over and over that he is shy, it gives him an excuse for not developing social skills. A child can say, “Oh, I’m just shy,” giving him a pass to skip politeness and conversation. For some children, being shy becomes very convenient.
You don’t have to mold your reserved child into becoming a social butterfly. You simply want to teach him how to participate in life and enjoy the company of others. Introverted and extroverted children have this in common: they all have to learn what’s appropriate when interacting with people.
creating a new normal
Remember how ten-year-old Peter avoided meeting that mom at ballet practice? There can certainly be a reticence on the part of children to open up and get to know someone who is talking to their parents. Adults can be intimidating. As parents, we must remember that children will do what we teach them to do. If we teach our children from a young age to look an adult in the eyes and ask questions, we are teaching them a valuable skill. They become comfortable with talking with adults because we have taught them how to do so. Children who feel threatened or nervous when talking with others can practice inside and outside of the home until they experience a new norm of interacting with people. Children who are disinterested can be taught about common courtesy.
The same thing is true in teaching kids to interact with other kids. The next time you are in a social setting and you see a child alone, you can say to your son, “Look at Paul. He’s all by himself. Why don’t you go over and talk with him? All the other kids are playing, and maybe he thinks that nobody cares about him. Why don’t you invite him to join in the game?” In so doing, you are teaching your son to be proactive to befriend others.
I (Arlene) was reserved as a child. When my parents started attending a church, I didn’t want to be separated from them, so I refused to go into the children’s room with the other elementary school kids. After many months of sitting next to my parents in the main service, my mother decided to give me a little pep talk.
“You are going to try the children’s program soon,” she said. “When you go into the room, look for the other kids who are by themselves. They are probably just as nervous as you are about being there. You can sit next to them and ask them questions about what they like to do and about their family. If you look for people who need a friend, you won’t be lonely yourself.”
It was hard at first to overcome that nervousness to talk with a child I didn’t know. But before long, I learned to say hi to girls who were sitting alone. I became more and more comfortable talking to other kids, and now some thirty years later, I still follow my mom’s advice when I’m in a room filled with people I don’t know.
You can help your son or daughter create a new normal when it comes to interacting with people. Instruct your child to focus on the other person instead of himself when he feels nervous. Resist the temptation to speak for your child when you are together. If there is an awkward pause, give your child plenty of time to engage instead of quickly rescuing your child.
If your child is using an electronic device when a person begins talking to him, teach your child to put down the device, look at the person, and smile. People first. Phones, tablets, or video games second. Technology does offer some benefits for the shy child. A girl may be uncomfortable speaking in a large group, but she can type her opinion from the privacy of her living room and post it for hundreds of kids to see. She may role-play in a virtual world and learn something that may help her in a real-world situation with friends.
But use discernment with online time. Children who have trouble with shyness may retreat too much to the screen for electronic companionship. The most powerful way to overcome shyness is to practice interacting with others in daily life—at home, school, sports practice, or the grocery-store line. If a child is spending hours online every day, he doesn’t gain experience with other people because he’s spending most of his free time alone with screens.
practice, practice, practice
When it comes to learning a new skill like hitting a baseball or playing the piano, you know the saying “Practice makes perfect.” The role of practice is just as important when learning positive social skills. Consider your home as the dress rehearsal. It’s a safe place where your children can practice making conversation for common social settings they will experience.
Begin by explaining how your child will benefit from acting friendly even when he would rather withdraw. Some benefits may be having more fun, making good friends, or enjoying school and social activities more. Share how becoming friendly has helped you in your life. Maybe you had to overcome shyness in your career to become a teacher or a salesperson.
Here are a few scenarios to practice at home with your child:
Successful playdates. Pretend you are a friend coming over to play with your son. “What should we play?” you ask. Have your son pick five fun activities to choose from (things like board games, Legos, soccer, or basketball). Play for a few minutes together, and talk about how much fun it will be to have a friend over. Then make it really happen by inviting a good boy your son feels comfortable around. Make screens off-limits and be sure to serve an extra delicious snack.
Playground fun. Go outside and pretend you are at your child’s school playground. Walk her through what happens at recess. Ask, “What do you do when you first get to the playground?” Suggest that she look for a friend from class or another girl who is standing alone. How would she go about joining a group of girls who were playing? What if they say there’s no room for her? Run through different scenarios and how she can respond. Listen to her concerns or anxiety about recess and playing with others. Role-play the situations to help her practice interacting with her classmates.
Navigating the classroom. Have your child sit at a table as you pretend to be the teacher. Ask a question, and have your son raise his hand and tell you the answer. Let him know he doesn’t have to raise his hand every time in class, but that it would be a good goal to raise his hand once a week. Stress the importance of making eye contact with his teacher. If your child has to present something to the whole class, practice many times at home in front of siblings and plenty of stuffed animals.
Meeting adults. You can make this activity more fun by putting on a costume like a hat or jacket. Practice the introduction as you pretend to be the new adult. “Joy, this is Mrs. Davis.” Have your child look you in the eyes and say, “It’s nice to meet you, Mrs. Davis.” Go one step further and teach your child to ask the new acquaintance a question: “How are you today?” or “What do you do for your job?”
Giving and receiving compliments. Pretend to be a friend, coach, or teacher, and give your child a compliment like “You did a very good job on your drawing.” Have your child practice looking you in the eyes and saying, “Thank you.” Encourage your child not to mumble his thanks but to say it clearly and enthusiastically. Then have your child practice giving a compliment to you. Challenge your child to compliment one person that day and report back to you on how it goes.
Asking for help. This will be an easy one for you to act out. Pretend you are busy at your desk. Have your child interrupt you with an urgent need. You want to teach your child to assert herself and speak up if she has a legitimate need that can’t wait at school or other places. Explain the difference between an urgent, important need and something that can wait. If your child is being bullied at school or elsewhere, she needs confidence to speak up and tell someone. You can role-play that scenario before it happens so she will know what to do if it ever does.
Reading nonverbals. Successful communication consists of both words and nonverbal cues. Screens can’t teach a child the nuances of body language or facial expressions. But you can act out different facial expressions to quiz your child. As you make different faces (sad, angry, happy, etc.), ask your child to name the feeling. You can thumb through a magazine together and identify the different emotions the people pictured are displaying. What might they be feeling by the way they look? What does their body language tell you?
The more you practice these social skills at home, the more comfortable your child will feel using them outside of the home. You can then expose your child to a wider range of experiences such as:
• Going to the library for story time
• Joining a group such as Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts
• Asking a salesperson at the bookstore for help finding a book
• Going to the zoo with another family
• Ordering food at a restaurant
• Talking with the clerk at the grocery store
Another thing you can do is provide some incentive for your child to come out of his shell. You can assign points to certain activities and then have a celebration or prize for points earned. For example:
1 point for talking to a friend at recess
3 points for giving eye contact when meeting an adult
5 points for having a friend over for a playdate
10 points for joining an afterschool club
Five Things Not to Say to Your Reserved Child
1. Don’t be shy.
2. Don’t worry; they won’t bite.
3. Don’t just sit there. Say something!
4. Cat got your tongue?
5. Why can’t you be outgoing like your sister?
rejection, bullies, and bad hair days
Six-year-old Wendy came home in tears—again. Since changing to a new school three weeks earlier, she still hadn’t been able to make friends. She was shy, and the move was especially hard on her. Today at lunch she had made a brave attempt to sit next to some girls from class, but they looked up and said, “Sorry, we don’t have any more space at this table.” She quietly found another place to sit in the cafeteria as she fought back tears.
Since Wendy wasn’t having much success in the friend department, she stopped trying to initiate conversations at recess. She became more withdrawn in the classroom, often avoiding eye contact with her classmates and teacher. At home, she started watching a lot more television after school.
Eric, eleven, loved playing soccer, but he dreaded going to practice. One of his teammates, Luke, twelve, constantly made fun of him. He’d say things like, “If you want to score, don’t pass the ball to Eric” and “Who taught you to play? A bunch of girls?” Eric didn’t tell his parents about the bullying. Instead he threw himself into his video games where he could be the one calling the shots.
When kids like Wendy and Eric have trouble in social settings, it’s easier than ever to retreat to the safety of screens. If you feel left out, just fiddle with a smartphone or play a video game. You’ll look busy, occupied, and important. Being with screens is a lot easier than being with people. Screens don’t care if you say or do the right thing. They will not judge your comments or behavior. You don’t have to put your best foot forward or risk embarrassment or rejection. Your tablet doesn’t care if you’re having a bad hair day and it won’t ever make fun of you. You can simply be with a game or television program that makes you feel connected with very little effort.
If a shy child spends three, four, or five hours a day watching television or playing video games, what is that child missing out on? Healthy human interactions like sitting around chatting with family, shopping for groceries, shooting hoops in the driveway, or playing games with a sibling. Those types of activities help a child interact with greater ease with people, not only within the family unit but in general. On the other hand, screen time can further ostracize a child and reinforce negative behavior. According to the Mayo Clinic, watching excessive amounts of television at age four is linked with bullying at ages six through eleven.2
If a child is mostly connected to computers and video game devices, how is he going to learn to adapt to people instead of withdrawing or acting out? When a shy child has strong, personal connections at home, it gives him a great advantage when he has to deal with bullies or rejection. A mom or dad can lovingly guide him through the harsh things kids can say.
mealtime grace
There is a built-in time every day to connect to your child’s heart—and it’s triggered by her stomach. Research shows that eating meals as a family benefits children greatly. Young people whose families routinely eat meals together spend more time on homework and reading for pleasure. They are more likely to eat nutritious food and less likely to engage in future substance use, sexual intercourse, or suicidal tendencies.3
What you do during the mealtime is hugely important. Is the television on? Are you quickly gobbling your food to get out the door? If so, you are missing out on the value of family mealtime. Having a meal together is a time for conversation. These sacred moments around the table can draw out your shy child. If it’s dinnertime, you can ask your child questions like “What did you enjoy most today?” and “What was hardest for you to do today?” It’s amazing what you can learn sitting around the table if you will listen. (You can find more table talk questions at 5LoveLanguages.com.)
Remember to put your phones on vibrate, and don’t pick up during mealtime. Turn the television and radio off unless it’s just soft music in the background. Don’t allow the interruptions of screens to compromise your quality time together. Show your children that dinner is not only a time to eat, it’s a time to talk.
With competing schedules, it can be challenging to find a common time when every member of the family can sit down for a meal. One son might have football practice while another is taking piano lessons, and you are running around town like a professional shuttle service. I (Gary) remember when we had to bounce back and forth from eating early to eating late because of the kids’ schedule or my schedule. But we all knew that family dinner was important, and we strove to make it work.
We suggest making it a family goal to eat seven or more meals together a week. Depending on what works with your family’s schedule, that might be dinner every night, or most meals on the weekend with a few meals during the week. There might be a night when you have to eat fast food in the car on the way to the game, but make that the exception, not the rule.
Before leaving this topic of mealtime, we need to touch on the importance of good nutrition and the self-esteem of your child. When a child is a healthy body weight and able to engage in active pursuits like sports or playground games, it gives him a boost of self-confidence. Unfortunately, more than one-third of children and adolescents are overweight or obese. This health crisis puts children at risk for diseases that are unthinkable for the young: cardiovascular disease, prediabetes, bone and joint problems, and sleep apnea, to name a few.4
Children hooked on screen time are not only sedentary, but they are also being fed a stream of advertising that increases their desire for unhealthy foods. Screen-time kids are exposed to 5,000 to 10,000 food ads per year, most of them for fast food and junk food.5 Watching television or playing video games at night also hinders sleep. A child can easily step into a vicious cycle of watching television or playing video games, not exercising, eating junk food, sleeping poorly, and gaining weight. These are destructive patterns for any child, and for the shy child it can be particularly debilitating as it leads to further isolation.
A shy child who already is uncomfortable in social settings will become even more nervous if she is dealing with weight issues. What you serve on the family dinner table—both in calories and conversation—will make a lasting impact on your child’s well-being.
Remember, you are not trying to create an extrovert or coax a quiet child to become something he is not. Instead you want to help your child to relax in the presence of others and to connect through meaningful relationships. Social contact is a core human need. Interacting with screens more than people can foster an unhealthy pattern of isolation. But you can fight against that one meal at a time, one conversation at a time, until your child finds comfort in the presence of others.