1. In 1992, the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago conducted a nationwide study (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, and Michaels, 1994, pp. 215–216) in which it asked 3,432 men and women, ages eighteen to fifty-nine, “Have you ever had sex with someone other than your husband or wife while you were married?” The number of men who answered yes ranged from 7.1 percent (ages eighteen to twenty-nine) to 37 percent (ages fifty to fifty-nine). The number of women who answered yes ranged from 11.7 percent (ages eighteen to twenty-nine) to 19.9 percent (ages forty to forty-nine). Only 12 percent of women in the fifty to fifty-nine age group reported having extramarital affairs. The results were averaged together, so that those who were youngest, with fewer years of marriage, were averaged in with those who were older, with more years of marriage. The researchers didn’t draw any conclusions; they simply indicated on a chart that some 25 percent of married men and 15 percent of married women in their study reported having at least one extramarital affair sometime during their married life. This statistic, most often quoted by the media, misrepresents the data. The figure of 37 percent is likely to be more accurate for men, for it represents the number who were unfaithful over the course of their lives. As for women, the figure of 20 percent is likely to be more accurate. That women over age fifty had a lower rate may reflect the fact that they missed the sexual revolution. Approximately 20 percent of the designated study participants refused to be interviewed or couldn’t be located. This leaves open the question of how many were unwilling to divulge their affairs.
In 2010, NORC, a research center at the University of Chicago, found that, among those who had been married at least once, 14 percent of women and 20 percent of men admitted to affairs. Statistics vary considerably from study to study, depending on who participates, who tells the truth, and how an affair is defined.
2. According to a March 2007 poll conducted by the U.S. Census Bureau, there were 58,945,000 married couples in the United States.
3. In Annette Lawson’s British study (1988, p. 37), more than 40 percent of the participants reported a relationship that they considered “adulterous,” even though it didn’t involve sexual intercourse.
4. In a recent survey, a random sample of practicing couples therapists (all members of the American Psychological Association or the Association for Marriage and Family Therapy) rated extramarital affairs as the third most difficult problem to treat, and the second most damaging problem that couples face. They also reported that infidelity was an issue for nearly 30 percent of the couples they treated (Whisman, Dixon, and Johnson, unpublished manuscript).
5. Herman (1992), p. 158. The exact quote is: “No longer imprisoned in the wordlessness of the trauma, she discovers that there is a language for her experience. She discovers that she is not alone; others have suffered in similar ways. She discovers further that she is not crazy; the traumatic syndromes are normal human responses to extreme circumstances. And she discovers, finally, that she is not doomed to suffer this condition indefinitely; she can expect to recover, as others have recovered.”
1. A hurt partner who learns of a mate’s infidelity often exhibits psychological and physiological symptoms that are similar to those of people diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. In the past, this diagnosis could be given only to individuals who had had a life-threatening experience (Quick Reference to the Diagnostic Criteria from DSM-IV, 1994, p. 209). There is much debate about whether to allow the proposed, new Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-V) to include “subthreshold” events that don’t involve actual threat to a person’s life (McNamara, 2007).
2. Abram Kardiner, quoted in Herman (1992), p. 35.
3. Franck (1993), p. 126.
4. Jack (1991), p. 32.
5. Kushner (2004), p. 2.
6. Nadler and Dotan (1992), pp. 308–309.
7. Jack (1991), pp. 128–182.
8. Brown and Gilligan (1992), p. 4.
9. Ibid., p. 37.
10. In February 1986, Yale sociologist Neil Bennett first reported in a phone interview with the Stamford Advocate that college-educated women who postpone marriage for the sake of their education and career have a harder time finding a husband. In Faludi (1991), pp. 9–14.
11. Ibid., p. 14.
12. Richardson, “Dreaming Someone Else’s Dreams,” New York Times Magazine, Jan. 28, 1990, p. 14, quoted in Faludi (1991), p. 103.
13. England and McClintock (2009, p. 814) reported that women who are over forty and want to marry or remarry find that older men often choose younger brides. Men over age sixty typically “marry down” about ten years.
14. Fitzpatrick (2010) noted that women are far more likely to take time off to start a family or to work part-time while rearing one, often going through a full calendar year earning nothing at all.
15. Hewlett, A Lesser Life, 1989, p. 63; Deborah L. Rhode, “Rhode on Research,” Institute for Research on Women and Gender Newsletter, Stanford University, 13, no. 4 (Summer 1989): 4; quoted in Faludi (1991), p. 24.
16. Fitzpatrick (2010).
17. Mayo Clinic Staff, 2010.
18. Jack (1991), p. 21.
19. Reinisch with Beasley (1990), p. 74.
20. DePaula, Epstein, and Wyer (1993), p. 133.
21. Nolen-Hoeksema (1987, pp. 259–282) found that women tend to dwell on depressive episodes, thereby amplifying and prolonging their depressive symptoms. Men, in contrast, tend to distract themselves from depressive episodes by thinking about other things, ignoring their problems, or engaging in physical activity.
1. Carder with Jaenicke (1992), p. 115.
2. Beattie (1994), Introduction. The exact quote is: “It’s not the passage of time that heals, he whispered. It’s the passage through experiences.”
3. Person (1988), p. 322.
4. Allen and Baucon (2004).
5. Glass and Wright (1988), p. 318.
6. Glass and Wright (1992), p. 379.
7. Botwin (1994), p. 62.
8. Gregory (2003).
9. Harley (1986), pp. 72–85.
10. Glass and Wright (1985, p. 1115) found that 56 percent of the men in their study who had extramarital sex reported happy marriages, as compared to 34 percent of the women in their study.
11. Wright (1988), p. 29.
12. Brown (1991), p. 7.
13. Janus and Janus (1993), p. 332.
14. Researchers Etxebarria, Ortiz, Conejero, and Pascual (2009) found that women are more likely than men to experience guilt when they cause others to suffer. Women, particularly between the ages of twenty-five and thirty-three, score higher than men on tests of interpersonal sensitivity.
15. Botwin (1994), pp. 39, 62, 120.
16. Jack (1991), p. 87.
17. McAdams and Constantian (1983), p. 856.
18. Ross and Holmberg (1990); found in DePaulo, Epstein, and Wyer (1993), p. 127.
19. Glass and Wright (1985), p. 1114.
20. Michael, Gagnon, Laumann, and Kolata (1994), p. 156.
21. Botwin (1994).
22. Heyn (1992).
23. Botwin (1994), pp. 44–53.
1. Otto Kernberg, interviewed by Linda Wolfe (1978), p. 56.
2. Quick Reference to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV-TR (2000), pp. 291–292.
3. Barreca (1993), p. 198.
4. Beck, Freeman, and Davis (2007).
5. Person (1988), p. 322.
6. Winterson (1989), p. 13.
7. Toufexis (1993), p. 50.
8. Person (1988), p. 48.
9. Walsh (1991), p. 188.
10. Mercer (1988), p. 177.
11. Fisher (1992), p. 171.
12. Dyn and Glenn (1993), pp. 54–57, 78–86.
13. Stuart and Jacobson (1985), p. 57.
14. Gottman, personal e-mail correspondence (Sept. 2, 2011).
15. Gottman (1993).
16. Estés (1992), p. 140. Ballantine Books: Excerpts from Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D. Copyright © 1992, 1995 by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D. All performance, derivative, adaptation, musical, audio and recording, illustrative, theatrical, film, pictorial, electronic, and all other rights reserved. Reprinted by kind permission of the author, Dr. Estés, and Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc.
17. Money (1988).
18. I’m indebted to Dr. Reuben Baron (1970) for his development of the theory of social reinforcement, and Dr. Harville Hendrix (1988) for his imago theory.
1. Stanley and Markman (1992), p. 595.
2. Baumeister (1991), pp. 182–206.
3. Shaver and Hazen (1988), p. 491; see Stanley (1986).
4. Cherlin, Furstenberg, et al. (1991), p. 252.
5. Amato and Keith (1991, p. 30) add, however, that the differences between divorced and intact families are not as strong and pervasive as often presented.
6. Eldar-Avidan, Haj-Yahia, and Greenbaum (2009).
7. Ahrons (1994), p. 14; also Ahrons (2004).
8. Kelly (1993), p. 45.
9. Ahrons (1994), p. 2.
10. Kelly (1993), p. 35.
11. Franck (1993), p. 76.
1. I’m indebted to Dr. Jeffrey Young for his development of schema-based life traps. See Young and Klosko (1993) for help in understanding and healing them.
2. Hendrix (1988).
3. Anaïs Nin, quoted in Efran (1994), p. 221.
4. Efran (1994), p. 221.
5. Baron (1970).
6. Person (1988), p. 233.
7. Ibid., p. 232.
8. You might want to refer to Maggie Scarf’s Intimate Partners (2008) or Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko’s Reinventing Your Life (1993) to help you identify how you and your partner may be interacting in ways that evoke the worst from both of you.
9. Gerson (1989), found in Brown (1991), p. 15.
10. Brown (1991), p. 15.
11. Abrahms and Spring (1989).
12. Scarf (2008), p. 93.
13. Hammen, Ellicott, and Gitlin (1985).
14. Abrahms and Spring (1990).
1. Stuart (1980), p. 200. Adapted from his “Caring-days List” exercise, which he developed to help couples enhance feelings of marital satisfaction.
2. Abrahms (1990).
3. Hibbs and Getzen (2010).
4. Burns (2008).
5. Hendrix (2001).
6. Bly (1990), p. xi.
1. See Brown and Gilligan (1992), p. 4.
2. Thomas (1993), pp. 26, 46–47.
3. Burns (1980), pp. 128–131.
4. For a more complete discussion of the different ways in which men and women express and listen to conflict, I recommend Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (Gray, 2004) and You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation (Tannen, 2001).
5. Gottman (1994), p. 95.
6. Jack (1991), p. 42.
7. Lerner (2012).
8. Gottman, Gottman, and DeClaire (2007).
1. Glass and Wright (1985), p. 1113.
2. Michael, Gagnon, Laumann, and Kolata (1994), p. 124.
3. Nelson (2008).
4. Barbach (1983).
5. Williams (1988), p. 172.
6. Masters and Johnson (1970), pp. 71–75.
7. Reinisch with Beasley (1990), p. 98.
8. These statistics pertain to men and women ages twenty-five to twenty-nine. The Kinsey Institute, National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010. For more information, visit NationalSexStudy.indiana.edu/.
9. Reinisch with Beasley (1990), p. 91.
10. Michael, Gagnon, Laumann, and Kolata (1994), p. 165.
11. Ibid., p. 158.
12. Ibid., p. 165.
13. Winterson (1994), p. 21.
14. Kinsey, Pomeroy, Martin, and Gebhard (1953) discuss the anatomical reasons that many women do not have vaginal orgasms. “The relative unimportance of the vagina as the center of erotic stimulation is further attested by the fact that relatively few females masturbate by making deep vaginal insertions” (p. 580). For further discussion of the myth of the vaginal orgasm, see Cass, The Elusive Orgasm (2004).
15. Michael, Gagnon, Laumann, and Kolata (1994), p. 123.
16. Goodrich (1994), p. 88.
17. Williams (1988), p. 15.
18. Heiman, LoPiccolo, and LoPiccolo (1976), p. 80.
19. Friday (1998).
20. Friday (2008).
21. Avery (1989), p. 27.
22. Borden (1932), p. 300.
23. Gunn (1992), p. 3.
1. Random House Dictionary of the English Language, 2nd ed. unabridged (1987), s.v. “forgive.”
2. Thrall (1995), p. 3.
3. Spring (2005), p. 123.
4. Herman (1992), p. 211.
5. Hunter (1978), p. 171.
6. Simon and Simon (1990).
7. Thompson (1992), p. 19.
8. Flanigan (1992), p. 122.
9. Ibid., p. 107.
10. Nietzsche (1887).
11. Herman (1992), p. 190.
12. Lovinger (1990), pp. 177–178.
13. Estés (1992), p. 371.
14. Smedes (1984), p. 133.
15. McCullough and Worthington (1994), p. 8.
16. Murphy (1982), p. 505.
17. Horney (1950), pp. 239–258.
18. McCullough and Worthington (1994), p. 4.
19. Thrall (1995), p. 9.
20. Bugen (1990), p. 344.
21. Erikson (1950), pp. 247–274.
22. Jung (1959), p. 535.
1. Internet World Stats. Internet Usage Statistics. Internet usage information comes from data published by Nielsen Online, by the International Telecommunications Union, by GFK, local regulators, and other reliable sources. Copyright © Miniwatts Marketing Group.
2. In an online survey, infidelity expert Peggy Vaughan found that hurt parties are often more traumatized when the affair is discovered rather than disclosed. Personal e-mail correspondence, July 7, 2011.
3. Ferree (2003), pp. 385–393. Also, Smith (2011), p. 48.
4. Daneback, Cooper, and Mansson (2005), p. 326.
5. Nelson (2008).
6. Kerner (2010).
7. Hertlein and Webster (2008) documented many negative effects of online sex, including less interest in sex in the committed relationship and neglect of work and time with children.
A study of married men’s online sexual behavior revealed approximately 78 percent of participants reported having one face-to-face sexual encounter with someone they met online over the past year. Dew, Brubaker, and Hays (2006), pp. 195–207.
8. Atwood and Schwartz (2002), pp. 37–56.
9. Steiner (1993), p. 61.
10. Atwood and Schwartz (2002), pp. 37–56.
11. Stephanie Ortigue, an assistant professor at the psychology department at the University of Geneva in Switzerland, and Francesca Bianchi-Demicheli, quoted in the New York Times by Rosenbloom (2011).
12. Anokhin, Golosheykin, Sirevaag, Kristjansson, Rohrbaugh, and Heath (2006), pp. 167–177.
13. Wylie (2010), p. 30.
14. Carnes and Carnes (2010), p. 13.
15. Presentation by Robert R. Johnson, Medical Director, Sierra Tucson (2011).
16. Wise (1996), pp. 319–340; Valenstein and Beer (1964), pp. 183–184.
17. Weiss and Schneider (2006), p. 35.
18. Adapted with permission from Dr. Kimberly Young’s Cybersex Self Test and Internet Addiction Test, www.netaddiction.com. Also, see Griffiths (2004), p. 200.
19. Carnes and Carnes (2010), p. 15.
20. Recommended books about cybersex addiction:
In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior (Carnes, Delmonico, Griffin, and Moriarty, 2004).
Untangling the Web: Sex, Porn, and Fantasy Obsession in the Internet Age (Weiss and Schneider, 2006).
Tangled in the Web: Understanding Cybersex from Fantasy to Addiction (Young, 2001).
Getting Web Sober: Help for Cybersex Addicts and Their Families (Young, 2000) ebooklet.
21. Recommended organizations for the treatment of cybersex addiction: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, www.slaafws.org; Sex Addicts Anonymous, www.sexaa.org; Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, www.sca-recovery.org; Sexaholics Anonymous, www.sa.org; SMART Recovery, www.smartrecovery.org; Codependents of Sex Addicts, www.cosa-recovery.org.
22. Perel (2007).
23. Ibid.
24. Johnson and Zuccarini (2010), p. 434.
25. Oppenheimer (2011), p. 24.
26. Ibid., p. 27.
27. Saint-Exupéry (2000), p. 64.
1. Dr. Frederick Humphrey, personal communication, September 1993.
2. Blumstein and Schwartz (1983, p. 313) found that the nonmonogamous woman, whether lesbian or heterosexual, is more likely than the nonmonogamous man to end the relationship with her partner, in part because she’s likely to fall in love with someone else and “cannot treat the new person as someone auxiliary to her existing relationship.” Other explanations they offer are that (1) the male hurt partner is less forgiving than the female hurt partner and therefore less likely to take his partner back; and (2) the male hurt partner is (or feels) less economically and emotionally dependent than the female hurt partner and therefore is more likely to end the relationship.
3. Dr. Bert Diament, personal communication, August 1995.
4. Dr. Len Loudis, personal communication, August 1995.
5. Pittman (1989), p. 53. For more discussion about the negative impact of undisclosed affairs, see Butler, Harper, and Seedall (2009).
6. Kingsolver (1993), pp. 162–163.
7. Pittman (1989), p. 66, 70.
8. Brown (1991), p. 53.