Conflating manners and sex seems counterintuitive: There’s something very anti-manners about sex. Sex, after all, is driven by urges and by chemistry, which have little to do with the logic and common sense that drive mannerly behavior. Problem today is, urges are spilling out of people’s bedrooms and into public spaces—and, trust me, no one wants to watch your urges on display.
When there are no hard-and-fast rules about sex, it’s difficult to know when it’s right to have sex for the first time, when you should wait, and when (if ever) it’s proper to make a booty call. For committed couples, sticky situations become even, ahem, stickier when they rear their ugly heads in the bedroom. All the more reason, then, to look at sex through the prism of manners. If you can, try to remember that sex is closely linked to deeper issues, such as fragility of ego and years of repression, so these matters need to be handled with sensitivity and discretion.
The first matter to deal with is: Once you’ve navigated the dating preliminaries, when should you have sex? There’s really no right or wrong time—this always depends on the individuals involved. Some people are comfortable having it on the first date. Some wait a year. But if you’re in a relationship, experts suggest that the following are valid reasons to have sex: You want to express the love you feel for your committed partner, or maybe you’d just like to assess the goods before continuing with the relationship.
In contrast, the following are bad reasons to have sex:
• You’ve already rounded every other base.
• You feel like you should.
• You’ve been told that you should.
• You’re the only one left in your class/fraternity/sci-fi club who hasn’t done it yet.
• You want to get it over with.
• You have a bet with your friends.
No matter how you go about determining your approach to taking this next step, be sure that your partner is on the same page with you, and that you have both clearly acknowledged that it is a mutual decision.
Once you decide to have sex, it’s of the utmost importance that you have the STD talk: when you and your partner discuss the last time each of you were tested for the full range of sexually transmitted diseases. Talk about difficult conversations! But this one is absolutely necessary.
1. Like the exclusivity talk (this page), the STD talk needs to take place when you’re fully clothed. This is a serious matter and should be treated as one.
2. The best timing for the talk is far enough away from the actual act so as not to sully the mood. During dinner on the intended night is a good option.
3. To embolden yourself, realize that bringing up the topic is flattering. It means that you’d like to have sex with this person.
4. Don’t hit this nail head-on at first. Bring it up indirectly. You might say, “I’m still a little woozy from giving blood the other day. Have you given blood recently?”
5. If they say yes—and if they happen to be carrying their Red Cross card, all the better—the AIDS part of the talk is over. But of course, there’s more to cover. Now that the talk has begun, come right out and ask, “So, do you happen to have a doctor’s note saying you’re free and clear of genital herpes and any other STDs?” Immediately after you ask, shove a forkful of mahi-mahi in your mouth.
6. With you engaged in chewing, the other person has no choice but to fill the awkward silence either by declaring a flawless medical history or, alternatively, confessing there’s something they need to tell you.
7. If their answer is, “Not sure,” request that they get tested ASAP, before you consider doing the deed.
Once you both have a clean bill of health, it’s time to turn your attention away from icky STDs and on to setting the stage for sexual activity. As we learned in chapter 1, suddenly lunging at your date for a kiss is not advisable. Neither is expecting to have sex when the atmosphere isn’t right. But how do you make it right?
1. If the act is to occur in someone’s home, that person should take full responsibility for making his or her place sex-tastic.
2. The first order of business is to ensure privacy. This means getting rid of any ne’er-do-wells who are crashing on the couch and warning roommates in advance of your plans. Tell them, “This is a special night for me and Derek, and we’ll need the place to ourselves.”
3. Be sure to change your bed sheets and pillowcases in advance.
4. Cue up the music so that it’s ready to go once you get home. When choosing music, stay away from anything too cliché or explicit, like “I Want Your Sex” by George Michael, “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye, or “Doin’ It” by LL Cool J. Instead, opt for something subtle that can act as romantic ambience rather than taking center stage.
5. Lighting is just as important as music. Turn off unflattering overhead lights and opt for small lamps and candles, to encourage removal of clothing.
6. Put away any video equipment you happen to have set up in your living room or bedroom—this could otherwise scare away your partner.
It’s the duty of every sexually active member of society to be prepared. If you’re at your partner’s home, your host should have a store of condoms on hand, and you should also have a few with you. One partner certainly may opt for another method of birth control, but neither partner should balk at the suggestion of using condoms in addition to the other method, for protection against both pregnancy and STDs. Here are some rules for general use:
1. Do not try to save money on condoms—buy quality contraceptives that are at least in the mid-price range of all the offered brands.
2. Throw out condoms that are past their expiration date.
3. Purchase standard-sized rubbers so that you’re not left holding a “magnum” up to a fellow who’s not blessed with bulk.
4. Don’t wait until the last minute to bring up the subject of birth control. Do so somewhat early in the game, say, when you’re rounding second base.
5. Never reuse a condom.
6. If there’s any chance a condom may have broken, stop immediately and do not hesitate to unsheath the questionable rubber and roll on a new one.
7. Pull out neatly, holding the condom at its base to prevent spillage.
8. Refrain from holding up the condom and remarking on your impressive yield.
9. Dispose of the used condom by wrapping it in tissues and throwing it in the trash—don’t flush it down the toilet.
There are several golden rules when it comes to sex. The first should be to never use any untoward euphemisms (such as “bumping uglies” or “dipping your wick”) for intercourse unless it’s in the spirit of hilarity and you know that your partner will share in the joke. The others are as follows:
1. Be sure to shower at least eight hours before you and your partner settle in for the evening.
2. Should your phone ring while you’re engaged in sexual activity, do not answer it. (For that matter, remember to turn down your answering machine so you don’t have to listen to Great Uncle Lou detailing his bunion removal surgery—sure to dampen even the hottest of passions.)
3. While removing the other person’s clothes, take care not to rip the fabric or pop any buttons. (Unless, of course, your partner likes that sort of thing.)
4. Reciprocate whatever your partner does for you—not necessarily all in one evening, but some time in the near future.
5. Keep an open mind when your partner makes a unique request. You may demur, but do not disdain.
6. Take off your socks. They’re unsightly and unsexy, even when made from the most refined of fabrics.
7. Remove your watch. Some timepieces are heavy enough to cause injury to an unsuspecting partner.
8. Remove pets from the premises, so you don’t have little pairs of eyes watching your every move.
9. Tell your partner what you do and don’t like.
Be aware that some pets can be territorial. They don’t like this new person commanding all your attention. Or they don’t like that they can’t sleep in your bed—after all, it’s their home, and you’re just lucky to live in it. Pet resentment can get hairy, especially when they take a bite out of your partner’s calf. How to resolve the situation?
1. Stop whatever you’re doing when your partner yells in pain.
2. Suppress the inclination to come to your pet’s defense. Instead, direct your attention and concern to your ailing partner.
3. Check to see if your pet has broken the skin.
4. If he has, repair immediately to the bathroom for a swab, some antiseptic, and a bandage or gauze.
5. Apologize for your pet as you cater to the wound. Say, “I’m so sorry. It’s my fault. I should’ve locked Fluffy out of the room.” Take responsibility so your partner doesn’t thereafter harbor resentment toward your pet.
6. From that point on, locate and remove your pet before you get too carried away by your passion.
Sometimes a new paramour will assume a whole new persona during sex. In the throes of passion, you may be introduced to the Talk-Dirty-to-Me Lover. Your sweet, new partner is suddenly like a demon possessed or, rather, like a demon possessed by a potty-mouthed porn star. How do you respond if you’re just not into it?
1. Try to ignore it and hope that it will stop.
2. Try not to laugh at his nicknames for private parts, such as “Mr. Pokey” or “Sir Pokes-a-Lot.”
3. If part of the routine involves asking you questions, reply noncommittally and unenthusiastically with, “Um-hmm” and “Okay, sure.” Your partner may get the hint when you don’t respond in kind.
4. If your partner asks questions that demand a more involved answer than either “yes” or “no,” respond with “I really don’t know how to answer that.”
5. Afterward, admit, “The dirty talk just doesn’t work for me.” But if it’s really important to him, offer to give it a go from time to time.
The cliché is that men roll over and fall asleep and women want to talk and snuggle. Like all generalizations, this is statistically unproven, and with many couples it may very well be the other way around. Whatever the case, there are certain rules that should always be followed after sexual intercourse:
1. If, for reasons of comfort and hygiene, you feel the need to rinse and wash your private parts, do not hop right out of bed to do so. A few minutes of cuddling immediately post-climax are mandatory.
2. When you do get up to wash, let your partner know how long you’ll be—“I’d like to take a quick shower. I’ll only be five minutes.” Try to be as quick as possible so that you can return to bed immediately.
3. Afterward, a fifteen- to twenty-minute period of cuddling is recommended. There are no good excuses for not wanting to cuddle.
4. Part of the postcoital conversation should be a quick rundown of how good the sex was for both parties. The benefit of a performance review is that you can expand on the good parts later. (Don’t be too eager about making your partner talk, though, if they’re squeamish.)
5. If one partner wants to keep going but the other can’t seem to get the juices flowing, the perky partner should be gentle and let them be, at least until the following morning.
It takes two to make a wet spot, but it only takes one to sleep in it. It’s a classic case of throwing yourself headlong into the throes of passion without thinking about the consequences. And then, voilà, there are the consequences, right in the middle of your sheet. The question is, who has to sleep in it?
1. If the bed is big enough, the couple should sleep around the spot.
2. If not, the host should find a clean, soft hand towel to place over the wet spot so that neither party has to sleep in it.
3. It’s the host’s responsibility to sacrifice a little comfort for the sake of their guest. He or she should offer to sleep on the wet-spot side, whether or not it’s towel-covered.
Once you’ve settled into the groove of a relationship, the morning after becomes routine. He always rises early and heads off to the gym. She always gets up in time for Meet the Press and pancakes. But new couples tiptoe around each other, getting used to the other’s presence and trying to guess at unspoken needs and sensitivities. During the first few mornings after, it’s appropriate to do the following:
1. Get dressed. You may have been naked the night before, but that’s no reason to remain naked. Being naked in bed, in the throes of passion, is okay. Being naked in the kitchen, scrambling eggs, is not okay (not to mention a tad dangerous).
2. Remove or cover any foul odors that may have developed in your mouth overnight. If you are not at home, and there is no toothbrush provided, use your finger to smear a dab of toothpaste over your teeth and gums, rinsing with water. Rinse with mouthwash if you can find it.
3. The host should provide coffee and at least a bagel or cereal for breakfast. If your cupboards are bare, suggest that you go find a diner together or a breakfast café. Or run to the corner store for some food.
4. Speak well—but not graphically—of the previous night’s activities, making it clear that you enjoyed yourself. A simple, “Last night was great” suffices.
5. After breakfast, the guest should leave of his or her own accord.
6. If the guest isn’t prompt about leaving, the host should try to conceal any impatience. It’s impolite to heave the guest out the door, but it’s fine to speed the process along with hints like, “Oh, gosh, I have so much to do today.”
7. The goodbye should not be left open-ended—at the very least, a kiss followed by a “call you later” is appropriate after what you’ve just shared.
After getting into the groove repeatedly and for an extended time period, other problems will arise for established couples. These are the kinds of nitpicky things that come up after you’ve been together long enough to stop being polite.
Ideally, shaving close would be a skill that every father would pass on to his son, but this isn’t always the case. And sometimes the skill was passed on, but the son is too interested in working his slacker/hipster/cool-guy look that he opts not to exercise his inherited knowledge. In any case, it is the victim who suffers most. This stubble-burned partner is well within her rights to take some dramatic defensive steps.
1. The next time your partner attempts to kiss you, give him a “No, no, no,” and hold your hand up so that your palm greets his approaching mouth.
2. When he looks at you quizzically, point out the patches of dry skin around your mouth.
3. Reinforce the gesture by verbalizing the problem: “If you want to kiss, you have to shave. Your stubble is drying out my skin.”
4. Hand him the can of shaving cream and the five-blade razors you kindly purchased for him just that afternoon.
5. Point him toward the bathroom, and remind him to use warm water and not to shave against the grain.
Sometimes a person will come home from a night out with friends to find that he’s very much in the mood. Even as he’s turning the key in the lock, he’ll feel tingles of sweet anticipation, hoping that his partner is awake and alert. His spirits will fall when he walks into the bedroom and is greeted by a lump. Is there a polite way to wake his partner up for sex?
1. Brush your teeth and be sure not to come to bed stinking of alcohol. Generally, try to smell nice and appealing.
2. Get into bed gently so as not to disturb your partner’s slumber.
3. Test the waters by placing an arm around your partner or with some affectionate spooning. If your partner grunts angrily and says, “Go away,” that’s a clear signal to cease and desist.
4. If you’re greeted by more pleasant sounds and maybe even some questions about how your night went, proceed past the cuddling to stroking whichever body part your partner likes stroked.
5. If the responses continue to be positive, continue to stroke until they’re at least half-awake and beginning to respond in kind.
6. There’s no question that the partner who does the waking is also responsible for doing all the heavy-lifting during the ensuing encounter.
People do many unconscious things while they’re asleep, from snoring to sleepwalking to showing all the bed-shaking symptoms of restless leg syndrome. A very common complaint among couples is sheet-stealing. One partner falls asleep in a high thread-count cocoon only to wake the next morning naked and exposed like a baby chick abandoned by her nesting mother hen. Meanwhile, the other partner is wrapped up tight like a mummy. How to resolve this problem?
1. Because people often later deny the things they do in their sleep, the naked and exposed partner should awaken the sleeping companion even as she is mummified in the sheets. Wake her gently, so as not to scare her.
2. “Honey,” you might say, “see how you’re wrapped up in the sheets, and I’m lying here naked and exposed? This happens every night.”
3. There’s no room for denial since she’s been caught red-handed. Now you both need to put your heads together and figure out a solution that involves sharing the sheets equitably.
4. The next night, when you feel your partner beginning to tug the sheet, tug back and squirt your partner with the spray bottle full of water you’ve placed on your nightstand.
5. Continue to tug and squirt each time your partner begins to sheet-steal. Eventually she will become conditioned not to engage in this behavior.
6. Initially you may lose some sleep while you’re training your partner, but you will gain much more in the end.
When you’re engaged in sexual activity, much of your blood flow is diverted away from your brain and into other body parts that are momentarily engorged. This loss of blood in the brain frequently results in a phenomenon called the “brain fart”: the act of making a really obvious mistake, the kind that most often occurs when someone is sleep-deprived or hopped up on painkillers. You might, for example, call out a name during sex that does not belong to the person with whom you’re actually having sex. This name could belong to a former lover or crush, but the end result is the same: an extremely awkward moment that’s very difficult to explain away. How to correct this most egregious faux pas?
1. Do not try to explain or apologize. The best route here is to deny and obscure the truth.
2. Immediately try to cover up your mistake by calling out your partner’s real name. Then call out a word that is similar to the name you just uttered. If you just said, “Eunice,” you might say, “I mean, you … nice … yeah …”
3. Now, utter your current partner’s name again, this time more loudly, to obscure the memory of your slip-up.
4. If your partner doesn’t buy it, and insists on calling you out, you may have to make major reparations that involve presents, dinners out, and repeated apologies. (In the best case, should your relationship result in a long-term commitment, you’ll always have this anecdote to remind you of your crazy early days of courtship.)
5. From that point on, resolve to say, “Sweetie,” “Oh, baby,” or something equally generic during the sex act.
Even early in a relationship, when you’re still in the honeymoon phase, there may come to pass an evening when you’re just not in the mood. Maybe your favorite TV show is on. Maybe you’re mentally exhausted from work or physically exhausted from a rigorous hike. Whatever the reason, you just don’t want to do it. How do you break the news to your partner?
1. Tell your partner early, before she’s very turned on—say, when she’s just started nuzzling your neck.
2. Be sure to make your explanation an “I” statement, such as “I’m just so tired,” or “That hike just really wiped me out.”
3. Make a rain date to reinforce the idea that it’s not about your lack of attraction for your partner. Say, “How about I wake you up tomorrow morning with a special treat?,” or “I’ll make it up to you later, I promise.”
How would we know how we fit in with the rest of society if we didn’t get daily reports on the foibles and personal habits of others? Dishing serves a common good by reassuring its purveyors that they are not the only ones who, say, bite their toenails or have partners who refuse to pee in front of them. Still, one should be careful that the chattering remains between friends who will treat the information with respect or, more important, keep the information to themselves. Here are some basic guidelines for kissing and telling:
1. If an S.O. ever asks you not to dish about a detail of their past or a shared interlude, you must respect their wishes.
2. It’s okay to dish to others if you need perspective on a problem or incident or if a good friend needs perspective on something that has also happened to you.
3. Choose your dishees wisely: Pick one to three friends whom you trust with your most private thoughts and stories.
4. It’s also okay to dish if the chatter places the unknowing participants in a flattering light.
5. It’s forgivable to dish if the story is extremely funny or extra-scandalous and you have a very good friend who needs cheering up.
6. The longer you date someone, the more tight-lipped you should become. Revealing all of your shared intimacies isn’t fair to your S.O. Your primary relationship will begin to feel like a leaking boat.
7. When someone who’s dishing to you says, “I’m going to tell you something, but you can’t tell anyone else,” you should stand by your word. Crossing your fingers doesn’t count.
A one-time-only guest should be afforded the same level of courtesy as a regular guest. The frequency of the visits is of no accord, and it shouldn’t affect the way the guest is treated. Neither should the evening’s outcome: Whether the two of you make out and cuddle or whether you go all the way, everyone merits equal treatment. This person may be someone you hardly know, but you need to make certain this guest is on the same page as you are about your activities, and that he or she feels safe and secure. (The guest also has some responsibilities, such as not overstaying her welcome and not picking fights with her host’s adorable cat.)
The term “one-night stand” comes from the days when touring theater companies performed for single nights in towns whose limited populations could fill the concert hall only once. Modern one-night stands usually don’t require an audience, but they do involve a one-night-only performance. That’s fine when both parties are expecting a one-night stand. But problems lurk when one party doesn’t agree to or understand that it’s a limited engagement. When the encounter occurs in a place far from home, say on a business trip, with a person you’re likely never to meet again, it’s not so much of a problem. But when it’s closer to home, and especially when this person is someone you’ll be seeing again, it’s important to establish boundaries up front.
Here are some brief ground rules that should be followed before things get too hot and heavy:
1. If it looks like things are heading toward home base, you should stop and say, “Are you sure you want to continue?”
2. If your partner responds with, “Yes, I’m so happy you’re my boyfriend,” you will need to stop and let this person know that you consider this only a one-night thing, not a relationship-starter. Say, “I thought it was clear. I’m sorry. I’m not looking for a girlfriend.”
3. If you are slapped, mumble your apologies and leave quickly.
4. If your partner indicates that she thinks you’re kidding, and says, “Yeah, right. Me, neither. Ha!,” you will need to cease all sexual activity immediately and clear up the confusion: Your actions must be in line with your words.
5. Should your partner agree that this is a one-time-only encounter, you’ve got the green light: proceed.
The one-night stand participant is obliged to make a post-stand courtesy call. Nodding to tradition, it’s usually the man who asks for his stand-mate’s phone number or e-mail address as they’re saying goodbye the morning after, but it’s also entirely acceptable for the woman to make the call, especially if she was the initiator. Here’s how to go about the follow-up:
1. In the afternoon of the following day, make a phone call or send an e-mail to your stand-mate.
2. Casually ask after the person: “Hi, I’m calling/writing to say hello, to see how your day went …”
3. Based on your comfort level, you might allude to the previous evening’s activities: “Are you as tired as I am?”
4. Express thanks for the night before without getting graphic (chances are you’re at work). Simply say, “I wanted to call and thank you for last night. I had a great time.”
5. If you’d like to see your stand-mate again, this is your opportunity to ask for a follow-up date.
6. If not, this is where you should definitively end the conversation. End with well wishes, possibly for something specific that you learned about the person during the course of your short affair: “Best of luck with your modeling career. I’ll look for you on the pages of Vogue.”
• Spare toothbrush
• Extra contact lens case
• Towels
• Condoms in different sizes
• Extra pillows
• Tylenol
• Coffee
• Breakfast food
ETIQUETTE TIP
Though it’s economical to buy in bulk, it’s not advisable to keep an economy-size roll of condoms in the bedside table. Unspooling the massive wheel might intimidate, alarm, and just possibly cool the passions of your nighttime guest.
A variation on the overnight guest is the booty call, when occasional hook-up buddies or former flames call on each other for some instantaneous action. The booty call happens late at night, when the bars are about to close, or when one of the people involved has just returned from a disastrous date. Either way, the call comes with an air of desperation and the understanding that there are no strings attached. Beyond these rules, what are the booty call guidelines?
1. A booty call should be extended only when both parties are single. Don’t jeopardize someone’s relationship by propositioning them when you know they’re currently monogamous.
2. Never booty call someone who wants to be in a relationship with you or who has already been in a relationship with you that ended ambiguously. Booty calling will get their hopes up, and this is unfair.
3. A booty call may be communicated by text message.
4. That the call is for booty will be immediately obvious by the timing of the call. If someone calls at 2:00 AM and asks, “Can I come over?,” they’re not interested in borrowing sugar. There’s no need to be explicit during the call—the intent is implied.
5. Call the following day to say thank you and to confirm that you value your booty-call partner. You might say, “Thanks for last night. It’s always great to see you.”
Tidbits of gossip are more special when they’re scarce but juicy. They become crass and annoying when a friend has the tendency to dish way too much. Sometimes you really don’t want to hear any more about the five new positions he tried over the weekend and the chandelier he and his wild sex partner broke when they were swinging from it. How do you muzzle the TMI friend?
• Try to change the subject. Use a segue from the TMI friend’s anecdote. For example, “Oh, a chandelier? Over the weekend I saw the most beautiful chandelier made from Austrian crystal.”
• Don’t react to the stories. Instead of registering shock and awe, act blasé about the sexual fireworks the friend is describing. Say, “Huh, sounds interesting,” and yawn.
• Try to one-up the TMI friend, since what they really want is to be known as the superlative. Make up a doozy of your own: “Oh that’s nothing. One time my ex and I were so out of control, we broke through a wall!”
• As a last resort, be straight with the TMI friend. Confide that “I really don’t want to know this much about your sex life.”
When a new relationship escalates from like to lust, a couple may find it difficult to keep their hands off one another. To the newly smitten, private and public are mere words, since they only have eyes for each other. There’s nothing wrong with expressing yourself in this manner—but there is something very wrong when people who don’t want to watch can’t help but watch. In order to coexist peacefully with a potential audience of watchers, new lovers in populated spots should observe some basic rules:
1. No open-mouth or French kissing, unless you happen to be in a train station or airport and are saying goodbye for what will be an extended period of separation.
2. No touching of (or near) genitals.
3. No butt-touching, and that includes putting your hands in each other’s back pockets.
Relationships often suffer from imbalances—one person’s more in love, one person needs more attention, one person is more into PDA. What do you do if you’re on the more modest end of the PDA continuum?
1. Let your partner know that you like touching and hugging, but you just don’t feel comfortable doing so in public, where other people can see.
2. Give your partner some options. Say, “This doesn’t mean we have to cut it out altogether. I still want to be able to express my affection for you, no matter where we are.” Detail the gestures you don’t find objectionable. These might include hand-holding, quick pecks on the cheek, closemouthed kisses, an arm around the shoulders or waist.
3. Let her know that pretty much everything else is off-limits, unless you’re in private.
4. If your partner initiates an off-limits display, such as slipping you some tongue during an alleged close-mouthed kiss, pull away immediately to remind your partner of your boundaries. Say, “Did you forget, sweetie? I’m not comfortable doing that in public.”
5. Then initiate your own move from your approved list of “dos”—a kiss on the cheek or a hand-hold—so that your partner doesn’t feel rejected.
Public sex is PDA’s more dangerous, reckless cousin. Public displays of affection are a nuisance, but they’re sparklers compared to the full-blown fireworks display that is public sex. And fireworks are mighty tough to pull off in a subtle way when you’re on a public beach, in a parked car, in a park, or trying to attain membership in the mile-high club. Still, you’ve got to be subtle if you don’t want to risk offending innocent bystanders, or, worst-case scenario, end up handcuffed—and not in a fun way.
Some rules:
1. If you can’t make it snappy, don’t even attempt it. You need to get in, get off, and get out.
2. Make it extra-quick if you’re hogging a room that people might need to legitimately use, such as a restroom, the study room in a college library, or the bathroom at a crowded party.
3. Clean up after yourself. Leave the area as you found it. That includes wiping up sweat and other fluids and discarding your condom and condom wrapper appropriately.
4. Keep the noise down so as not to disturb anyone who might pass by. Presumably, you know which of you is a screamer. The other party should share responsibility for keeping the screamer quiet, by clapping a hand over the louder partner’s mouth when the moment of truth is near.
5. If there is a chance that someone might see you, consider using the clothes you’ve discarded to cover your private parts while you’re in the act.
If you are in a public restroom, a security guard or flight attendant or pissed-off party guest who has to pee might hear you, knock on the door, and demand, “What’s going on in there?” What do you do?
1. One of the guilty parties should make moaning sounds, as if they’re ill.
2. The other should yell back, “She got sick all of a sudden. But it’s okay. We’ve got it under control.”
3. If they say, “Why are you in there?” or “Why is the door locked?” reply that your partner was embarrassed and wanted privacy. Remain vague: “She didn’t want anyone to see her getting sick.”
4. Get dressed and wet the pretend patient’s face and hairline so that she looks clammy and ill.
5. When you emerge, your partner can walk doubled over, clutching her stomach. Reassure whoever’s standing outside: “She’s okay. This happens all the time.”