Have you found someone whose baggage you can handle? Then you’re well on your way to commitment: the state of being sincerely and steadfastly bound, emotionally and intellectually, to another human being. Anthropologists have found that people who are falling in love experience a heady rush of chemicals and hormones that obscure logical behavior. This could explain the sweetness of courtship.
This also explains the immediate post-commitment honeymoon period. Why else would a completely rational person start whispering nonsensical words like “schmoopie”? If nothing else, the chemical rush could explain a lot about the fall-off of such zany behavior once the fog fades away and the reality of day-to-day commitment sets in.
In a relationship, no one should presume to have exclusive access to another person unless the arrangement has first been discussed and agreed upon. It’s like calling shotgun—your claim to the front seat means little until it’s verbalized. Of course, this issue is more delicate than the front seat, and like any state-of-the-relationship talk, the “are-we-exclusive?” chat starts from a place where there’s an imbalance of power—whoever initiates the conversation is taking a risk. Before you lay yourself bare, how do you know it’s the right time?
The right time occurs:
• Often after the second date and/or before the first sex encounter. (Experts concur that this “right time” happens on average after about four to six weeks.)
• After at least two of the following become standard operating procedure: the consistent use of “we” over “I” by both parties; checking with each other before making weekend plans; introducing each other to a third party as “my boyfriend,” “my girlfriend,” or “my main squeeze”; meeting members of each other’s families.
• When you don’t want to date anyone else, at least for the time being.
• When you agree on “the right thing to do” when confronted with the following scenario: A supermarket cashier gives you an extra $20 change by mistake. (Agreeing on this point shows that your values are well-aligned.)
• When you know two of the following facts about each other: middle name; three formative childhood stories; and one deep, dark secret that no one else knows.
• When your gut isn’t telling you to hire a private detective when your paramour claims never to have been through a sex-change operation and/or in jail.
ETIQUETTE TIP
Once you do go exclusive, you must inform everyone else you’ve been dating that you are no longer on the market. This is best done by dropping “my boyfriend” or “my girlfriend” into your conversations. Confirm their suspicions with a simple, “Yes, we’ve decided not to see other people.” Or, if you are the overzealous type and your new S.O. is not easily embarrassed, you could consider hiring one of those planes to fly a banner reading, “Norm and Dotty: Each other’s one and only (until further notice).”
Once you’ve decided your new S.O. is It for Now, you need to broach the topic officially. Relationships thrive most when both partners take turns stepping up to the plate. Set an example by doing so now. But how, when, and where should you go about it?
1. Respect the gravity of The Talk by not launching into it while you’re naked or scantily clothed. No need to wear business attire, but you should be fully clothed, with shoes. (You’ll be prepared should The Talk go sour—see step 7.)
2. Wait until you’re alone. Do not conduct The Talk in front of others, no matter how close they may be. (Pets are okay.)
3. Do not have The Talk while either of you is trying to fall asleep. Be sure that both of you are fully conscious.
4. The Talk should take place face-to-face, in a quiet atmosphere, so you can hear each other clearly. (Warning: “exclusive” can easily be misheard as “obtrusive” or “elusive.”)
5. Get your partner’s attention with the classic, “Can we talk seriously for a moment?”
6. Maintaining steady eye contact, begin by telling your partner how much you enjoy spending time together. Then get immediately to the point: Say, “I’m not interested in seeing anyone else. What do you say we go exclusive?”
7. If your S.O. says yes, great. Celebrate with a special night out. If not, well, you took your best shot. You should probably move off the couch and out the door. (Good thing you already have your shoes on.)
This term, coined by author Cindy Chupack, refers to a form of relationship-level leapfrogging, when one partner constantly uses “we” before the two of you have even established that there is a “we.” The most egregious example of premature we-jaculation is when you’re introduced as a boyfriend or girlfriend before you’ve had The Talk (see this page). If you’re ready to commit to this person, premature “we-ing” can be sweet—it’s an affirmation that your feelings are mutual. But if they’re not mutual, the “we-ing” can seem creepy and proprietary. What do you do?
1. Try to act as natural as possible in the moments after your partner has dropped the “we” bomb. Smile and tell the person to whom you’ve been introduced that it’s nice to meet him or her.
2. Before addressing the issue, wait until the innocent party is out of earshot.
3. Be direct with your partner. Say, “ ‘Girlfriend,’ eh? Don’t you think we should talk about this first?” Of course, this opens up a whole new issue. (See “Going Exclusive,” this page.)
4. If your date claims that you have talked about it and you just don’t remember, this may be a good reason to part sooner rather than later. (You would obviously remember such an important conversation.)
5. If they’re understandably embarrassed by your reaction, you can console them with an ice-cream cone and a white lie, such as, “It’s not you. It’s me. I have a ten-date rule.”
Should this scenario lead to a conversation during which your date says she’s ready for a commitment, but you’re not so sure, consider stalling. Adapt one of the following phrases that come in handy when you’re trying to dodge a work commitment:
• I am in the middle of several projects.
• I am not comfortable with that.
• I am not taking on any new responsibilities.
• I am not the most qualified person.
• I do not enjoy that.
• I do not have any more room in my calendar.
• I hate to split my attention among projects.
• I have another commitment.
• I have no experience with that.
Okay, now you’re exclusive. It was (relatively) easy to attain that status, but how easy will it be to maintain? What are the terms of this particular contract? Here’s a list of ground rules:
1. All signifiers of relationship status need to change from “single” to “in a relationship” on online networking sites such as Friendster, MySpace, and Facebook.
2. Any online profiles posted on dating sites must be suspended or hidden.
3. You can eye others and casually flirt—and you can take pride in the fact that a hottie just asked you for your number—but you must refuse others’ advances. Above all, you may not do any flirting in the company of your partner.
4. Monogamy means no dating/kissing/sleeping with other people.
5. Your partner has veto power over all weekend plans, within reason (and vice versa).
6. You have a standing date with each other for the following holidays: Valentine’s Day, each other’s birthdays, work functions that require an escort, long weekends like Memorial Day and Labor Day, and New Year’s Eve.
7. Dissolution of the “exclusivity agreement” must be made in person and verbally (not texted or e-mailed or faxed or left on an answering machine).
Without a doubt, a clear declaration of exclusivity is always the best way to go, but some couples enter into the state of exclusivity without uttering the actual words. You could call this “common-law exclusivity.” You qualify if you’ve been attached at the hip for a few months, call each other “boyfriend” and “girlfriend,” and have talked about your future—in other words, you’re acting to all appearances like a committed couple. With this comes an unspoken understanding of monogamy.
Anyone who cheats on a partner after acting exclusive—and who cites the absence of The Talk as an excuse—should not be trusted. How do you make your partner aware of her transgression?
1. If she says to you, “But we weren’t exclusive,” you may want to proffer a list of rhetorical questions, including: “Were you calling me your boyfriend? Were we having sexual relations? Did you bring me home for the holidays?”
2. These questions will wash over your partner and lead to a moment of clarity. She will realize, “Hmm, we may never have talked about our exclusivity, but anyone with any sense would know that we were exclusive.”
3. At this point, shame may follow clarity. Perhaps she’ll grovel for your forgiveness. Or she could continue to claim ignorance of the “common-law” rule. Either way, you need to walk away from the cheater and let her know why: She has broken one of the cardinal committed relationship rules. Cheating is always rude.
If you met online, or even if you met in a brick-and-mortar location but one or both of you has/have profiles posted online, once you become exclusive, it’s time to either hide your profile for the duration of the relationship or cancel your account altogether. This is the virtual version of informing your in-the-flesh suitors that you’re no longer on the market.
Of course, it’s not uncommon to hear of people who’ve been caught with active profiles: This may be a red flag that you’re entangled with a “professional online dater,” for whom an endless online supply of potential mates fuels a chronic grass-is-greener mentality. What do you do if you catch your partner red-handed?
1. If a friend has told you about coming across the profile, go online to see it for yourself.
2. Check the activity level of the profile—has the user been active in the last 24 hours or in the last three months? Does his status read “single”?
3. When you lay out the facts for your partner, do so over the phone or in person (e-mail or text messaging makes it too easy for the other person to stall and avoid confrontation).
4. Calmly tell him exactly what you’ve discovered. Say, “I saw your profile up on Find-a-Date. It says you’ve logged on in the last 48 hours. What’s the deal?”
5. Pause to indicate that you’re waiting for an explanation. Do not speak until he’s replied. (This is called the “silent-but-deadly” strategy.)
6. There aren’t many excuses that will hold water in this situation. One might be, “I keep my account active so I can check out my friends’ dates and give them feedback.” But don’t offer up any excuses. Let the skunk speak first.
7. Keep in mind that this crime is more of a misdemeanor than a felony. Since you can’t prove that he’s actually gone on dates since you became exclusive, you should consider letting him slide—as long as he removes his profile in the next 24 hours.
Relationship experts say that communication is the cornerstone of a relationship. And really, it would be quite difficult to conduct a relationship without it. How else could you declare exclusivity or tell your partner exactly what you want in bed? More important, how could you give each other the silent treatment if you hadn’t been conversing frequently in the first place? Now, we’re all aware that communication has evolved through the years. There were the centuries of grunting and beating our chests, and then the Romantics came along and penned sonnets and sweet songs. Today, screens and keyboards characterize communication. This new technology brings new considerations to the fore, but many of the basic principles from caveman days still apply. (Presumably, even cavemen didn’t want to know every little detail about their partners’ past boyfriends.)
You may have noticed that text messaging and IM screens are small. Many have a capacity of 160 characters or less. This lack of space will only trivialize serious sentiments and heavy-hitting declarations. So what should you use them for? Here are some basic rules:
1. Never ask someone out on a first date via TM or IM.
2. Never say “I love you” for the first time via TM or IM.
3. Do use TMs and IMs to send scheduling notes, such as “I’m running late,” or “I made the train.”
4. TMs and IMs are also useful for flirting, including sending quick “Thinking of you” messages when you’re stuck in a long meeting.
5. Make use of symbols and shorthand only if you’ve gauged the TM-savviness of the other party and you’re comfortable they can translate the jargon into plain English.
6. Double-check the digits before you hit “Send” to make sure your message doesn’t go to the wrong person.
7. More than three “Xs” (kissses) at the end of a message is too many.
8. Never use CAPS.
9. Never text under the influence. If you think you might use your phone to declare your love inappropriately, give your phone to a friend for safekeeping until your blood alcohol level is free and clear.
10. If the other party does not reply within an hour, do not continue to barrage them with messages; instead, pick up the phone and try to reach them on a regular landline.
ETIQUETTE TIP
When you’re dating, TMs and IMs are no substitute for cards and presents on holidays and birthdays (although they can be used to send supplementary good wishes).
Digital modes are great for some kinds of communication, but it’s a bad idea to fight over e-mail, TM, or IM for the same reason it’s a bad idea to use these as the sole method of communication. Just as it’s easy to project your own fantasies onto an unseen person, it’s easy to misinterpret the intentions of an invisible sparring partner. A breezy, sarcastic comment might come off as insulting and obnoxious when there’s no raised eyebrow, chuckle, or elbow nudge to provide context. This is especially true when a relationship is going through a difficult phase and either partner is more sensitive than normal. What do you do when you realize you’re in the middle of a text fight?
1. Assess whether you’ve gone from communicating to flaming. Are any of the following signs in evidence?
• Your breath is getting shorter and your chest tighter.
• The messages are so nasty, you gasp aloud.
• The back and forth of messages is instantaneous, because both of you are so pissed off, you’re crafting your next comeback before you receive a reply to the last one.
2. If one or more of the above is happening, realize that it’s time to cease and desist.
3. When it’s your turn to type next, write, “Calling you now.”
4. Pick up the phone and talk things through in real time.
5. If your partner doesn’t pick up the phone and instead tries to continue the text fight, take the high road and refrain from replying no matter how many times he baits you.
6. When you are next face-to-face, initiate a talk about what happened and when things spun out of control. You may want to come up with a signal for the next time things are getting out of hand, such as “May Day, May Day” or an abbreviation, “MDMD.”
When it comes to talking about past relationships with current partners, people seem squarely ensconced in one of three camps: spill all, spill none, spill only what’s relevant to your current relationship. Whatever camp you’re affiliated with, the general rules involve moderation above all.
1. Do not speak floridly of past loves. This would make even the most confident of us feel insecure and threatened.
2. Do not speak derogatorily of past loves. This will brand you a lout.
3. Intimate details of past love acts should be kept to oneself.
4. Photos of exes should be kept filed away in drawers or cabinets, never out on display.
Sharing Timeline
Date Two: If applicable, fess up to past marriages. Also, allude to the number of long-term relationships you’ve been in.
Date Three: Trade funny stories of first loves and/or traumatic high-school dates or breakups.
Date Ten: Trade losing-it stories.
Month Three: Share the reason your last major relationship ended.
Month Four: Snoop in your S.O.’s drawers while she’s in the shower for signs that she still has a thing for her ex.
Month Five: Trade your numbers (called “man-totals” for those who bed men): i.e., the number of people each of you has slept with. Suspect that your S.O. is fudging the number. (Immediately regret having this conversation.)
Month Six: Share the real reason your last major relationship ended.
Month Seven: Compare your S.O.’s lack of dishwasher-loading skills to those of your ex. (Immediately feel bad about it; apologize.)
Note: Running into an ex accelerates the above timeline and brings up all kinds of questions that might otherwise have remained undisclosed until a later date. This cannot be helped.
Smoochie? Honey? Babycakes? Muffin Head? A few months after the Exclusivity Talk is wrapped and in the can, and you’re tossing “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” around with abandon, the next issue arises: pet names. When you’re hanging out on your own, you may want to baby talk to one another or express your growing tenderness by coining tender nicknames. Here are some rules to help you through the process and help you maintain your dignity in polite society:
1. If a person highly objects to a pet name, he should be given another.
2. Pet names should never be mean-spirited (e.g., Bubble Butt, Dumb Ass).
3. Drippy names (Bunny, Smoochie) are inappropriate for public use, as are X-rated names (Sweet Tits, Love Machine). These count as excessive PDA (see this page).
4. Refrain from using names that infantilize (Buttercup, Baby) your S.O. in front of her coworkers.
5. Generic pet names (Honey, Sweetie) are alright for public use—but only in moderation.
6. Never baby talk to each other in public.
7. Do use pet names while you’re fighting—it’s a good way to cut down the hostility. You can’t be mad for very long at someone you’re calling Sugarlips.
It’s easy to see how it can happen. Two people in the first blush of love are all schmoopie with each other, and they’re spending every free moment solely in each other’s company. When they take their relationship out for a stroll, it’s difficult to snap back to reality. One partner might be able to maintain a dignified demeanor, but the other will keep slipping into schmoopie-talk and murmuring, “But sweetie-weetie-woo, I wuv wuv wu. You’re my ittle-wittle baby-bear,” even as passersby are rolling their eyes and projectile-vomiting into sidewalk sewers. What’s a boopie-woopie to do?
1. Take immediate action. Scan the area for a private place where you can conduct an intervention.
2. Once you’ve located the spot, steer your blubbering S.O. directly to it. This shouldn’t be difficult, as you’ll already be holding hands or clutching each other tightly around the waist.
3. Face your S.O. and take him by the shoulders.
4. Gently shake him.
5. Say, “Listen, sweetie, I love you, too, but we can’t talk to each other in public the way we do when we’re alone. I understand the urge. It’s hard not to call you my boopie-face all the time. But you have to cut it out when we’re in public.”
6. He will no doubt look forlorn and disappointed, so whisper a sweet nothing into his ear to cheer him up.
7. If he slips again into schmoopie-talk, give his hand a squeeze and shoot him a meaningful look to remind him of your talk.
Everyone’s had the friend who seems to drop out of existence once she starts dating someone seriously. And everyone has the friend who is suddenly dragging their new partner to every gathering of her prerelationship social circle, including Ladies’ Poker Night. Neither extreme works very well—both methods alienate the friends, not to mention creating animosity between the friends and the S.O. for no good reason. The best way to integrate your new love into your old group is to go your own way as a couple when appropriate and to include your S.O. in group activities when appropriate. Keep these suggestions in mind:
1. Being a couple is not a good reason to exclude single friends from plans. The “third-wheel” or “fifth-wheel” concept is a myth. Couples can coexist harmoniously with the uncoupled, unless they insist on making obnoxious comments like, “Hey, Jim, do you think you’ll ever find a girlfriend?” or “Oh, Jim, [sigh] I just wish you could find as much happiness as we have.”
2. You may have had a flirty relationship with one or more of your friends. Put an end to the flirting, especially when your partner is present.
3. Do not abandon a friend-in-need for your S.O. For example, if a good friend needs a ride to the ER because her appendix just burst, you should drive her and cancel the dinner date with your S.O.
4. Don’t assume that it’s always okay to bring your partner to social events, especially a small gathering. Ask permission of your host first.
5. There is no exception to the “secret” rule. If a friend confides in you and asks that you not tell a soul, this includes the person you’re dating.
6. Likewise, neither your new partner’s performance in the bedroom nor his for-your-eyes-only quirks are conversation fodder for your larger group of friends and acquaintances. (For your closest friends, maybe, but only when the disclosure is in the interest of seeking or dispensing advice or support.)
7. Do not expect your new partner to give up nights out with his friends and/or previously established regular engagements.
The first meeting is mostly symbolic. They’ve heard about you, and you’ve heard about them, so both parties are entering into the meeting with certain assumptions and expectations. Each of you is vigilant for different reasons (what if they don’t like me? what if we don’t like him?). And you probably don’t know the extended backstory to the group’s dynamics and history. There could be unrequited love, rejections, jealousies—all of which can contribute to their reception of you, the new guy. Simply try to be unobtrusive, and observe these rules for a flawless debut:
1. Wear neutral clothes—nothing too flashy or sexy. This will prevent the friends from making damning judgments based on your appearance. The worst they’ll be able to come up with is “He dresses a bit boring.”
2. Drink coffee or some other caffeinated beverage (although not so much that your hands shake) before the meeting in order to maintain an upbeat, energetic vibe.
3. Assess the greeting customs of the group. If they hug and kiss each other on the cheek when they say hello, stick out your hand for a handshake. If, on the other hand, they stay seated, nod at each other, and grunt, you should hang back and refrain from making a gesture that might be construed as too formal or touchy-feely.
4. Maintain eye contact while you’re talking. Nod and lean forward to show that you’re engaged and interested in what they’re saying.
5. Refrain from making controversial statements, such as generalizations about race, gender, nationality, vegans, conservatives, liberals, or New Jersey.
If your partner shows no inclination to introduce you to her friends, even after you’ve introduced her to all of yours, you may have a different problem to confront.
1. Introduce the problem. Say, “We’ve been seeing each other for a while now, and things are going great. Don’t you think it’s time I met some of your friends?”
2. If she agrees, all is fine. Set a time and date.
3. If she doesn’t, and isn’t forthcoming with a reason, you need to pin the problem down immediately. It’s best to get these things out on the table. Take into account that this could be tied to something that’s difficult for her to talk about—for example, perhaps she used to be a he, and all of her pre-sex-change friends have fallen by the wayside. Maybe she’s a serial dater and has no friends, just a string of ex-boyfriends. Maybe you’re a dead ringer for her last ex—or for her father—and she’s afraid her friends will tell you.
4. Indicate in a lighthearted way that you’re beginning to feel unworthy: “Is it that you’re ashamed of me?” you might say, with a smile. Or, “Do you think your friends won’t like me? I’ll do some party tricks for them—no one in their right mind can resist my Barney impression.”
5. The reality that her reticence might be causing you self-doubt will likely extract some kind of explanation.
6. If it doesn’t, you may need to resort to a much more advanced “relationship talk” that gets to the heart of why she insists on maintaining such a compartmentalized existence: you in one corner, her friends in the other.
Some people never remain friends with their exes. Some people keep their exes at arm’s length, texting or calling only when they want some ex-sex (see this page). Then there are those who insist on remaining friends—actual friends!—with their exes. They still have each other’s numbers on speed-dial. They still have standing weekly dates to watch a certain TV show together. When she has a leak in her roof, he comes over to patch it. Even worse, she goes to him for relationship advice. “He’s like a brother to me,” she says. Yeah, a brother she used to sleep with. How do you assert to them both that you’re Numero Uno and that you’re here to stay?
1. The next time the two of you are hanging out at her place, draw attention to a flaw in one of the ex’s latest assists. Point at a hanging plant and say, “Oh, did Peter install the hook for that hanging plant? The base isn’t flush with the ceiling. You want me to fix it?”
2. She’s not going to say no to a home improvement, especially if she understands the subtext, i.e., that you’re trying to assert your manliness by demonstrating your proficiency with tools.
3. When you’ve completed the task, say, “Next time you need something done around the house, give me a call, okay? I’d love to do it for you.”
4. Should she rebut with, “But Peter always does that stuff for me,” you can say, “But I’m your boyfriend, sweetie. That’s my job. Peter can do it for his girlfriend—if he ever finds one.” (You might want to say that last part under your breath.)
If the two continue to act like boyfriend and girlfriend when you’re out as a group, how should you tactfully point out that you’re feeling like a useless appendage?
1. Say something before you meet up with the group, so that she knows how you feel. “I think it’s great that you two are still so close,” you might say, “but it makes me feel left out when you’re huddled together, away from the group.”
2. If you’re out and they’re huddling, walk over to them, put your arm around your partner, and say, “What’s going on you two? You want to share with the rest of the class?” This will be a pointed reminder of your earlier plea.
3. If your partner still spends more time with him than with you, you need to ask her directly, “Is it possible you want to get back together with Peter? Because that’s how it looks.”
4. If she says yes, well, it’s good you brought it up sooner rather than later. If she says an adamant no, then you’ll need to work together to make sure both of your needs and expectations are being met.
If you’re meeting the parents, you can be sure your S.O. is plenty enamored. Still, don’t take the meeting for granted. Many full-fledged adults continue to be highly influenced by what their parents think, so you will need to make a positive impression. These people could be your in-laws one day, and it’s hard to shake a negative first impression. Here are some basics for your first meeting:
1. If you’re at a loss for what to call them, let them introduce themselves to you. If they say, “I’m Mary and this is John,” feel free to use their first names.
2. If you’re not sure what to talk about, be understated and a little shy. Let them take the conversational lead.
3. Open with a compliment, the more specific the better. And phrase the compliment so it demonstrates your knowledge: “What a lovely painting. The brushstrokes are reminiscent of a seventeenth-century Dutch painting I always stop to admire at the museum,” is a conversation starter, whereas “Your home is beautiful” hangs limply in the air.
4. Bear a small gift—a bottle of wine if they’re hosting you for dinner; a coffee-table book on a topic you know they like; flowers, if you’re a weekend guest.
5. Avoid drinking an excessive amount of alcohol. You know your limits—adhere to them.
6. Offer to help—in the kitchen before dinner or afterward with clean-up.
7. No matter how down-to-earth and cool they seem, never let your guard down. For example, if his dad alludes to all the pot-smoking that went on in his college dorm in the ’60s, don’t spout off on the perfect growing conditions you’ve created in your dorm room for growing hydroponic buds.
1. Establish some safe topics with your S.O. beforehand. These will include anything the parents enjoy talking about—their antique collection, the history of foxhunting, etc. If need be, read up on one or two of these topics.
2. Devise a signal you can flash your S.O. if you feel as if your ship is sinking, like an ear tug or clearing your throat, so she can come to your rescue.
3. Mine the childhood stories your S.O. has shared with you. Reframe them as possible conversational topics, such as, “Jen tells me you’ve been going down the Shore every summer for a family vacation. I don’t know it very well. What’s your favorite town there?” One family story will inevitably lead to another. And the mood will lighten as your S.O. and her parents reminisce about times past.
4. At least you can agree on one thing—your S.O.’s fabulousness. Ask to see childhood pics of your S.O. Or ask a question about your S.O., such as, “So, how did you raise someone with such great manners?”
5. If none of the above is working, employ the signal you devised, and let your S.O. take the conversational lead.
Sometimes you just can’t win. No matter how much you try to dazzle the parents, they could be dead-set against liking you. Maybe they loved the ex-girlfriend he was with before you, or maybe they think your family comes from the wrong stock. Whatever the reason, they don’t think you’re good enough. But you still love your S.O., so you’ll have to find a way to get along. Here’s how to make it through a tense family gathering:
1. Beforehand, practice keeping your reactions neutral. Perhaps you can ask your S.O. or a friend to help you rehearse by reading to you from a list of snarky comments, such as “David, have you heard from Anne-Marie? She was such a lovely girl. It’s a shame you broke up with her.” As they read, practice keeping your facial muscles relaxed and still and your eyes from rolling.
2. On the way to the gathering, think of a few noncontroversial topics for possible subject changes. These topics should have nothing to do with you. They can include the weather, your S.O.’s parents’ last vacation, or the price of gas.
3. Once you’re there, take the high road. Remain civil, cheery, and polite. If a zinger is thrown your way, send it back with a kiss. For example, if the mother looks you up and down and says, “Oh, dear, I think you spilled something frightful on your sweater,” just smile, laugh breezily, and reply, “Oh, Patricia! You have such a great sense of humor. It’s supposed to look like that—it’s the pattern.”
4. If there are others at the gathering besides you and your S.O., make them your allies so that you’re not stuck interacting with the parents the entire time, and so that you’re not completely dependent on your S.O. Disgruntled siblings and their own downtrodden S.O.s are great options since you’ll immediately have something in common.
Never tell your friends or family anything negative about your new amour, at least not until they have a chance to meet and get to know your S.O. They want what’s best for you, so if you provide them with evidence that your S.O. is flawed, they may worry and linger on this point. Even if it’s just in the back of their heads, it can sully their overall impression—and cause strained relations in the long run.
Certain obstacles will inevitably arise after a few months of exclusivity. What follows are some of the most challenging. After the honeymoon subsides and reality creeps in, you may start to second-guess the relationship. That’d be a mistake. All relationships have rough patches. It’s just a matter of knowing how to smooth them over. Here are a few essential survival strategies.
Relationships themselves have different personalities that are shaped by the two people inside the relationship. For example, when one navelgazer hooks up with another navelgazer, the two sensitive souls will emote often and deeply.
Him: Honey, I’ve felt very distant from you these past five hours.
Her: Do you think it’s because your father was so unavailable emotionally throughout your adolescent years?
Him: No, Sweetie, I think it may be a remnant of the agoraphobia I recently overcame with the help of that rebirthing ceremony.
Her: I’m so glad you’ve realized that, because now we can move onto the next phase of our highly evolved relationship.
The above couple didn’t even have to start out with, “I think we need to talk.” They just launched right into a Relationship Talk. But for those who don’t emote so readily, here are some RT rules.
1. Some topics that are RT-worthy include exclusivity (see this page), requests that one partner modify her behavior in some way, feeling underappreciated, considering polyamory, and the decision to move in together.
2. The RT should occur when you have time for a lengthy discussion with no interruptions: not when you’re on your way out the door to a scheduled event or appointment, and not late at night, when one of you is trying to fall asleep.
3. It should be held in the right setting: not in public, where you might feel inhibited, and not in the car (too dangerous, should tempers flare).
4. There is no “right” number or frequency of relationship talks, but you might want to agree on a regular state-of-the-union that can occur from once a week to once every few months.
5. Should one person’s temper spiral out of control and should one partner begin to throw valuable and/or breakable objects that could puncture the other’s skin, the other partner should call a Time Out. Before the talk, both parties should agree that the words “Time Out” will be honored.
6. Cell phones should be turned off (not just to “Vibrate”) during the talk.
7. If the talk doesn’t fulfill one partner’s expectations, the other should be open to scheduling another supplemental talk.
When couples marry, there’s an infrastructure already in place that dictates what kind of gift is given after a year (paper), two years (cotton), three years (leather), and so on. Conveniently, too, once you’re married, your S.O. can’t jump to the dump (see this page) if you give a crappy gift. But since no such guarantees or guidelines exist for long-term relationships, things can get complicated—especially in the early days, when your patterns aren’t yet established. What if you give too little? How disappointing. What if you give too much? How embarrassing. How to maneuver through this minefield?
1. Anniversary gifts should not be expected until month 6, at earliest. Waiting until a year has passed to mark the occasion with a gift is also perfectly acceptable.
2. Your anniversary should be calculated according to your first date, not the day you met.
3. When celebrating an anniversary, there should be only one celebration—not a series of celebrations marking the night you met, your first phone call, your first date, your first “I love you,” etc.
4. Should a holiday—say, Valentine’s Day or a birthday—happen while you’re still in your first three months of dating, a dinner out or a small, moderately priced gift is appropriate.
5. Establish a mutual spending limit before a major gift-giving holiday to preempt the possibility of a gross divide.
6. Once you’re an established couple, consider creating a “presents folder,” into which you slip ads for things you want or wishes jotted on pieces of paper for easy consultation and guaranteed gift satisfaction.
7. In the weeks preceding an occasion that calls for gifts, listen for hints that may be embedded in dialogue with your S.O., e.g., “Jan called me today. Tom sent her an amazing arrangement from that flower shop on 16th and Pine. They really do beautiful work.”
8. When your partner gives you a gift you like, reinforce the commendable performance with an effusive reaction and some extra attention.
No matter how many guidelines you follow, taste is subjective, and a gift that’s appropriate in every other way can still offend. Say you’re a minimalist but your S.O. thinks you just haven’t gotten around to buying anything for your walls. So she gifts you a painting of dogs playing poker that you would never hang in a million years, not even in the unfinished basement you visit twice a year. What do you do?
1. Mask your initial revulsion as you’re opening the present. Let your mouth hang open in shock, but channel the shock into faux glee, as in, “Holy … moly! That is one unusual painting.”
2. Ask some questions such as, “Where did you find this?” and “Where were you thinking I’d put this?” to bide time and regain your composure.
3. As your S.O. is answering the questions, consider your options. If your S.O. is the fragile type, you’ll need to come up with a white lie. If not, you could tell the truth gently: “This is so thoughtful, but it’s just really not my taste.”
4. If you don’t think your S.O. can take the truth, you might go with the white lie: “It’s so funny, my sister has the same exact painting. And I’m just worried that if she sees it in my house, she’ll think I’m copying her and she’ll get bent out of shape.” Or, “I had a really traumatic childhood experience with a dog who liked to play poker.”
5. Consider seriously whether you can truly be compatible with someone whose tastes are so antithetical to yours.
Yes, it’s nice for the person who initiates the date to treat and for the other person to offer to pay the tip (see this page). At some point, though, it’s not right to assume that one person’s going to continue to pay every big check. To be treated and regarded as an equal partner, a person needs to act as an equal partner.
1. After date 4, it’s time for the treatee to take a turn as Sugardaddy.
2. An exception to this rule is when one person makes much more money than the other, or if one’s a student or unemployed.
3. If either of these exceptions is in play, the poorer party could reciprocate in other ways, like taking on a heavier regime of household chores or designing their S.O.’s Web site for free.
What if you want to reciprocate but you’re in a low-paying job and you’re still paying off student loans? Can you do it on the cheap so it still looks like you’re a (relatively) big spender?
Sure, here’s how:
1. To indicate that you’re ready to take the wheel, initiate and plan the next date.
2. Do not pick a date activity that’s free or cheap. The monetary value of the combined events should roughly match those of the dates to which you’ve been treated.
3. When it comes time to pay, the other person may automatically reach for the check. Anticipate this move and intercept the bill.
4. After grabbing the bill, reach for your wallet, look inside, and stage-whisper, “Oh, drat! I forgot my credit cards and I don’t have any cash. Would you mind?”
5. All the way home, repeat, “I am so sorry. I’m such an idiot. What can I do to make it up to you?”
6. You can’t pull this off more than once, so for the next date, do pick an activity that’s free or cheap, like cooking up a picnic to bring to Shakespeare in the Park.
“Love” is a weighty little word, not something that should be bandied about carelessly. In a perfect world, you wouldn’t have to think so much about when to say it and where to say it and what to do if they don’t say it back. But you are only human, after all, and it’s likely you’ve been burned before by the unreciprocated “I love you.” It makes sense to be wary. Once you’re ready to take the plunge, here are some dos and don’ts:
1. If you want to ease into the “love” phase gradually or gauge your partner’s reaction to the general concept, it’s alright to start with the more ambiguous, “I think I’m falling in love with you.”
2. “I love you” should not be uttered for the first time during sex.
3. “I love you” should never be used as a means of persuading someone to go to bed with you.
4. You may say “I love you” for the first time while you’re intoxicated, but you will need to repeat the sentiment the next day when you are sober, so your partner isn’t left wondering whether or not it was the alcohol talking.
5. When you do say “I love you,” say it clearly and loudly and not into your partner’s deaf ear, so there’s no confusion.
6. “I love you” doesn’t demand reciprocation. If your partner is the initiator, do not return the sentiment unless you are sure that you feel the same way.
7. “I L-U-V you” should never be used as a consolation prize for someone who’s just told you they love you. In fact, anyone who says this should be dumped immediately.
Top 10 Signs Your Declaration of Love Is Not Going to Be Reciprocated
1. He says, “I love you, too, but I’m not in love with you.”
2. She simply pretends not to have heard you.
3. He gives you a pat on the head and says, “That’s nice, dear.”
4. She believes love is a bourgeois concept meant to perpetuate capitalist overconsumption.
5. He’s just not sure he knows what “love” means.
6. She replies by saying “we need to talk.”
7. He clamps his hands over his ears and says, “Na na na na na na, I can’t heeeear you. Na na na na na na na na.”
8. She starts to sob.
9. He disappears the next day with no trace.
10. She looks at you and asks, “How can you be so sure?”
There comes a time in a relationship when that funny sucking noise he makes while he’s working on the computer goes from cute to mind-blowingly irritating. When do you accept the foibles, and when should you step up and make a fuss? Experts say that intensity and consistency are the key factors here—if the sucking noise still irritates the heck out of you on a good day, it might have the potential to turn into a serious problem, especially on a bad day.
1. If there are three things that are annoying you, pick the one that annoys you the most instead of letting loose with a barrage of complaints.
2. Tell your S.O., “Honey, I just have to confess that I find those sucking noises you make really annoying. They kind of make me want to jump out of my skull.”
3. Offer a solution, “Do you thing you could try chewing gum or a toothpick so you’re not constantly sucking on your teeth?”
4. Every time you see him making an effort, give him positive reinforcement: a cookie, a “thank you,” or some physical affection.
In this age of serial monogamy, every new relationship has a moment when one person mistakes the current partner for an ex. This might happen during sex, when the wrong name is blurted (see this page). Or it might happen that one partner says, “Remember the time we …?” when the “we” in question did not in fact involve the current partner. For example, partner A might recall a favorite Muppet Show episode, and partner B might reply, “But I thought you hated the Muppets!” But as soon as B’s words are out of his mouth, he realizes it was actually his ex who hated the Muppets. How do you wiggle out of this awkward situation?
1. First, see if your partner even registered the mistake. If she hasn’t, there’s no need to own up; doing so would only lead to trouble.
2. If she’s protesting and looking at you askance, quickly hit your head and say, “Oh my gosh, I’m such an idiot. I was thinking of my friend, George, from work.”
3. She might be a little suspicious and say something like, “George? You talk to George about the Muppets?”
4. Answer, but change the subject swiftly. You want to avoid telling too many white lies—it’ll be too hard for you not to contradict yourself in the future. Say something like, “Yep, it came up last week at a meeting. So, yeah, I loved that episode, too, the one with John Denver? What was your favorite part?”
The first weekend getaway is a big step for a couple to take, because it will surely accelerate the relationship. Just saying you want to go away together for a weekend is like saying you’re ready to ramp it up a notch. But when should you plan the first one? How many dates should you have already had? Who should plan and who should pay? Here are some basic guidelines to consider:
1. Know your partner well enough to know that she is not a serial killer or identity-stealer. You should have gone on a few dates, but you should also have met a few of your partner’s friends and had a few sleepovers at your partner’s apartment.
2. Be secure in the knowledge that you have enough to talk about to get you through a long car trip and through a weekend spent in front of a fire, in case the weather is bad and you can’t ski or hike or do any of the activities you’d planned.
3. Either partner can bring up the idea of the getaway. Since it’s going to be a casual weekend, and because you don’t want to freak the other person out, bring up the idea casually: “I hear the fall foliage is great this time of year. Want to drive up to Vermont for the weekend?”
4. Be prepared for the expectation that you will have sex. If you’re not ready for sex, or if you think your partner might in fact be a serial killer, say no just as breezily as you were asked. Simply say you have other plans for the weekend.
1. The initiator should pay, unless he’s particularly hard-up, in which case he should say, “Do you mind covering the car rental, and I’ll pay for the B&B and everything else?”
2. The noninitiator should offer to share some of the cost.
3. Whoever books the hotel/B&B should check with their partner as to what kind of sleeping arrangement they’d prefer: One double bed or two? Two separate rooms?
4. Once there, neither one of you should snoop in the other’s toiletry kit, even if it’s really tempting because you’re sharing a bathroom and his kit is right out on the counter.
There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it: If you’ve promised monogamy, committing adultery is out of the question. Monogamy implies no extracurricular sexual activity. But what if your partner is cheating in a different kind of way: with an Office Boyfriend or an Office Girlfriend, someone with whom they work closely every day, someone who lunches with them and goes on business trips with them? Sometimes you feel like the office S.O. knows more about your partner than you do, and you can’t help but be jealous. What do you do?
1. It’s possible that your S.O. doesn’t realize how annoying it is when every other story he tells you is about his coworker. You should point it out to him in a good-natured way: “Honey, I think it’s great that you have such a good support system at work, but I’m beginning to get jealous of Meg. Do you talk about me to her as much as you talk about her to me?”
2. Inquire about her dating status: “So, is Meg married? Does she have a partner? What’s he like?” Talking about her in this context will suggest to your S.O. that there might be more people involved than just the three of you.
3. The next time there’s an office party, make a beeline for the Office Girlfriend. Observe how she and your partner interact. Do they finish each other’s sentences? Do they speak to each other in shorthand? Does he refresh her drink, pull her chair out for her, and do other “boyfriend-type” things? Or are you his first priority?
4. If he remains attentive to you alone, you can stop worrying for now. But still let your partner know that you don’t cotton to adultery, and if you smell her perfume on him, he’s outtie.
5. If their interactions are more intimate than you feel is appropriate, you’ll need to confront your partner with your suspicions; any confirmation of his feelings for the Office Girlfriend will give you the information you need to make a fast break.